I serious need of some advice about my MOH

Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH

• aRachel21 member

  

  April 2013

  I can't understand most of your post. But it seems like you MOH is going through a divorce and does not have time to worry about your wedding that's in a year and a half! Try to be considerate of what she is going through. It's not all about you.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:f2de7b49-2827-42f3-b513-bfa2b90e63ce">I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm having an issue first off my wedding is October 4,2014 I know a ways out . my maid of honor has been my good friend sicne I was a kid but we have gotten older and grew a part for sometime and just three years ago I was in her wedding as her maid of honor which i'm sad to say is now failing and the papers are being signed  for their Divorce. I'm trying to be sympathitic like every girl should for her friend but i'm also trying to do wedding stuff and give her a chance to meet  the other girl's and get to know the rest of the wedding party. The last time I seen her or really talked to her besides text was when we went to go try on dresses for me in January. I've reached out to her tons of times and tryed to talk to her but she always says she doesn't have the time , is busy or jsut aovids my text and msot of the time it's nothing to do about wedding stuff mroe or less jsut tryign to be a friend and she how she is. I got my dress in a couple days ago I know really early but originally it wasn't do her till July but it came in Early since DB was Disconituing I had to have it I was going to have her keep the dress at her place like we had talked but when I texted her to ask her how she was doing she bite off my head and said she was really busy and didn't have time for much of anything right now so I felt bad for her and didn't even ask her. So I had to bring the Dress back to my home luckily I bought the white bag from DB to protect it and you can't see through it. I know she is going through a rough time and I have a lot of my wedding stuff plannned but I feel like every time I invite her somewhere she blows me off she has blown me off four tiems now for things. She is a good friend of mine but she has also changed alot not jsut from the divorce going on but jsut in general. If you where in my SHoes what would you do? I mean i've texted her emailed her asking her to call me and nothing am I being shelfish  should I just leave her alone to come to me or how much time should I give her before I need to decide if it's time to see if she wants to still be in the wedding just maybe not as the maid of honor so there isn't so much pressure for her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  Posted by TC2BE2014[/QUOTE]
  
  JIC

  
  

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• FizzySips member

  

  April 2013

  First, I would spell check and separate coherent thoughts into paragraphs for easier reading comprehension. Then, try to connect with her on a friend level NOT just about the wedding. She's clearly having a hard time and maybe could use a friend who can show some compassion for her. Go out for lunch and talk about something other than her divorce and your wedding. Tell her (yes, call her) and let her know that she is important to you as a friend (not just as your MOH) and when she's ready you want to be there for her. What would you want if you were in her situation? Do that.

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• Peledreamsofrain member

  

  April 2013

  Divorces can be devistating, and even come with a loss of personal identity for a while. Your friend is trying to scrape her life back together, and it's probably extremely painful to interact with someone who has everything she is losing. She's trying not to resent you, but honestly she doesn't have much of herself to give to you right now. Don't kick her while she's down by demoting her. The title of MOH isn't about what she can do for you, it's an honor you are bestowing. Rip that away, and you've publically insulted her. I'm not attacking, just explaining exactly what that action is in reality. She won't forgive you and you won't look like the good guy.

  Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• KatWAG member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:f2de7b49-2827-42f3-b513-bfa2b90e63ce">I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm having an issue first off my wedding is October 4,2014 I know a ways out . my maid of honor has been my good friend sicne I was a kid but we have gotten older and grew a part for sometime and just three years ago I was in her wedding as her maid of honor which i'm sad to say is now failing and the papers are being signed  for their Divorce. I'm trying to be sympathitic like every girl should for her friend but i'm also trying to do wedding stuff and give her a chance to meet  the other girl's and get to know the rest of the wedding party. The last time I seen her or really talked to her besides text was when we went to go try on dresses for me in January. I've reached out to her tons of times and tryed to talk to her but she always says she doesn't have the time , is busy or jsut aovids my text and msot of the time it's nothing to do about wedding stuff mroe or less jsut tryign to be a friend and she how she is. I got my dress in a couple days ago I know really early but originally it wasn't do her till July but it came in Early since DB was Disconituing I had to have it I was going to have her keep the dress at her place like we had talked but when I texted her to ask her how she was doing she bite off my head and said she was really busy and didn't have time for much of anything right now so I felt bad for her and didn't even ask her. So I had to bring the Dress back to my home luckily I bought the white bag from DB to protect it and you can't see through it. I know she is going through a rough time and I have a lot of my wedding stuff plannned but I feel like every time I invite her somewhere she blows me off she has blown me off four tiems now for things. She is a good friend of mine but she has also changed alot not jsut from the divorce going on but jsut in general. If you where in my SHoes what would you do? I mean i've texted her emailed her asking her to call me and nothing am I being shelfish  should I just leave her alone to come to me or how much time should I give her before I need to decide if it's time to see if she wants to still be in the wedding just maybe not as the maid of honor so there isn't so much pressure for her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  Posted by TC2BE2014[/QUOTE]
  
  First and foremost, spell check is your friend.
  
  Second, stop talking about your wedding. Your wedding will never be as important to her as it is to you. She is going through a divorce. That is a huge emotional undertaking.
  
  There is nothing that needs to be urgently planned for a wedding that is taking place in 18 months. Stop your wedding planning for a few days and focus on her, completely. Call her, take her for coffee, etc
  
  And why does she need to meet the rest of your bridal party? She can meet them at the rehearsal.
  
  Stop focusing on you and focus on her. She is your nearest and dearest friend, remember?

  

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• misshart00 member

  

  April 2013

  I would not talk to get about your wedding for at least another year. Be a friend to her and maybe give her a little space. Call and see if she wants to have coffee.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:f7a4b47a-5b64-42da-a41e-ab058ca8f766">Re:I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:I serious need of some advice about my MOH : FIrst of i never said it was all about me and yes she is going through a divorce what i'm worried about is the fact that she is not returnign calls or text i worry about herin general. i'm not being shelfish at all if anything I've been more then accomdating what<strong> i was trying to ask is how much time do i give her to deal with her own personal issues</strong> before i start thinking about more wedding things she has missed alot of things already and i'm tryign to find out the best way to go about it. Thanks though but if you think I'm a shelfish person because of your comment about it's not all abotu me you obvisouly have not read the post all the way. I'm trying to find the best way to go abotu this your are entilted to your comment but realize that i'm being very considerate of what is going on in her life but she is worryign me because she wont talk to anybody and she ignores alot of people calls i'm jsut wondering how much time should i give her or should i jsut stop tryign to contact her and let her contact me when she is ready and hope that it's not a month or two before the wedding.
  Posted by TC2BE2014[/QUOTE]
  
  For the bolded, you give her as much time as she needs.  She is going through a really hard time and no one, not even her, can tell you how long it will take for her to be ok again.  So you need to give her as much time as it may take for her to deal with her issues and with her divorce.
  
  Your wedding planning can still go on even if she is not involved.  She should be your friend first and your MOH second.  Since your wedding is 19 months away there really isn't much she needs to be doing now.  BM dresses do not need to be purchased until about 6-8 months out (if that, depending on the shop you go to) and that is really the only requirement that she has to fulfill.  She does not have to help you plan your wedding or throw you parties or tie bows on favors.
  
  Take a moment and step into her shoes.  You are going through a rough divorce, is wedding planning and such really something that you would be at all excited about or even want to participate in?  I am sure, as your friend, she is very happy for you and your future but being around wedding stuff is most likely very difficult for her at this time.
  
  Keep being a friend.  Do not discuss the wedding with her unless she asks about it.  Even then keep your answers short and sweet.  Don't not call her but give her some space.  Make sure she knows that you are there if she needs you.
  
  I understand that planning your wedding is your main priority right now but don't let it overshadow everything else in your life.  Your wedding is one day, but your friendships/relationships are for much longer then that.  You don't want to have a gorgeous wedding but then no one around once it is over with.

  
  

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  April 2013

  Please use paragraphs, sentences, and proper punctuation. It is nearly impossible to get through your posts the way they are now. And before you spout off about how this isn't school blah blah blah, all those things you learned in school? They were for use in real life. You are judged in life by how you communicate and present yourself. End of story.
  
  What I think I got from this is that your friend is going through a divorce and you are upset that she isn't all about your wedding and wanting to talk wedding with you and is ignoring phone calls and texts. You need to back off the wedding stuff and be there for her as a friend. Divorces are devastating and difficult. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be going through that while you are over here "wedding wedding wedding." She is your MOH but she should be a good friend first, so you need to put your wedding on the backburner with her and be there for her as a friend.

  
  
  
  
  

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• gmcr78 member

  

  April 2013

  From what you say, OP, it sounds like you aren't just contacting her about wedding related stuff, but also just in general, which is good, if that's the case.  That said, she's going through a rough time right now, and may just need some space.  If I was in your shoes I'd probably send her a card with a note that just says I'm thinking of her and here for whatever she needs, and back off a bit.  That doesn't mean cut off all communication, but try to give her some space to get through what she's dealing with in the way that she needs to.
  Your wedding is pretty far off, so I wouldn't worry about that.  Unless she tells you she no longer wants to be part of it, she's still your MOH.  Don't even bring it up, it's not an issue that needs to be handled.

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• KatWAG member

  

  April 2013

  Give her as much time as she needs. It could be a week and it could be a year. There isnt a hard and fast rule reagrding how long it takes to get over a divorce. Just keep inviting her out to non- wedding events and eventually she will come around.
  
  She shouldnt have any wedding related duties, so if the next time you see her is at your wedding, that should be fine.
  
  JIC= just in case

  

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• TC2BE2014 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:59bcaabb-f1c2-4e6d-839b-82b7d6bf55db">Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]From what you say, OP, it sounds like you aren't just contacting her about wedding related stuff, but also just in general, which is good, if that's the case.  That said, she's going through a rough time right now, and may just need some space.  If I was in your shoes I'd probably send her a card with a note that just says I'm thinking of her and here for whatever she needs, and back off a bit.  That doesn't mean cut off all communication, but try to give her some space to get through what she's dealing with in the way that she needs to. Your wedding is pretty far off, so I wouldn't worry about that.  Unless she tells you she no longer wants to be part of it, she's still your MOH.  Don't even bring it up, it's not an issue that needs to be handled.
  Posted by gmcr78[/QUOTE]
  
  
  Thank you thank you. You are the only one who realized what i was getting at i'm not contacting her about wedding things but just in general and she doens't want to really talk. She has something going on with the church this weekend and I asked her if she needed any help with planning so we could just do that and she declined. I'm trying my best to be the friend her i'm by far not a bridezilla I even told her that I could come out that way but not for a bridal show that we where originally going to try to go to a couple months back but to just hang out with her maybe catch a show or something spend some time together and still got nothing back I'm just lost that's all she is my best friend and her husband was a close friend also and now I fee like i'm losing both of them . I'm getting all the mean comments about how it's not all about me do you think if I thought it was all about me I would be so worried about her. Thanks for the card idea I will try that next.

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• MuppetFan member

  

  April 2013

  Bah, I wish I scrolled down first to SM's response. I had a really tough time reading that.
  
  OP - Your wedding is so far away that none of these details really matter. You have no need for her to do anything until next year when you pick out bridesmaids dresses and she has to buy one. She has no obligations to you other than to stand beside you at your wedding. You have made it clear to her that you are available. She has made it clear to you that she wants space. Give it to her.
  
  Place yourself in her shoes. When I was getting a divorce, all of my friends were either having babies or getting married. I was ending my marriage and not having the babies that I wanted. I was miserable and vulnerable and jealous and just really hurt. I was happy for my friends but I didn't want to be near them for a while.
  

    
  You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  
  

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• winelover123 member

  

  April 2013

  I couldn't understand everything you said because of the massive run on sentences. I'd leave her alone for awhile. She probably just wants to just be alone for a little while. Send a text once a week or something letting her know you're there for her so the lines of communication are still open, and when she's ready she'll contact you. Other than that, stop talking wedding with her. Your wedding is in a year and a half - go crazy with pinning ideas, but no one else is really going to care about an event so far away right now.

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• MsYeck member

  

  April 2013

  I would give her 3 months of alone me and 6 months where I do t say a darn thing wedding related to her

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• julie650 member

  

  April 2013

  First of all, I don't get why everyone is being such jerks about the spelling. If you can't understand it, than use the back button. I'm sure she didn't write that way to be malicious, it's probably her level of writing. You don't need to meet a certain criteria in terms of proficiency with the English language to use the boards, no one is making you read it. Stop being so condescending to her, it helps NOTHING except bring someone down who might not be able to do anything about it. Now, OP...it sounds like you just need to back off for a while. Not necessarily about wedding things, but everything in general. It seems from what you say that she is trying to make it clear to you that she needs her space. Just because she isn't talking to you doesn't mean something is seriously wrong, it just means that she may want to focus on herself or family for the time being, it's just part of healing. Your wedding is a ways away, you have plenty of time to back off for a while. Wait a few months and contact her again to see how she is, assuming she hasn't contacted you herself already.

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• Pookieson member

  

  April 2013

  I would let her know that you are there for her and thinking of her and give a few weeks.  Try to contact her again just seeing how she is.  After a couple months if she is still avoiding you, maybe surprise her and ask if she wants to go out and have some coffee.  If she wants to talk divorce and vent, she should be able to, you shouldn't talk about the wedding.  It can take months to even function after a divorce, especially if your BFF is getting married.  Do not demote her, I don't care if she doesn't go to party's, help you plan or pick out a cake, all she has to do is buy a dress and show up.  That should be the most important thing to you.
  
  My maid of honor is having a rough time.  She hasn't helped with a THING (and I haven't asked her) I had a hard time getting her in to have her dress sized but I paid for it, having her by me was more important than anything else.  We went out for dinner and drinks and we hang out when we can, but I do not talk wedding with her because of her circumstances.  You need to be a friend.  Your maid of honor's job isn't to throw you parties or fulfill duties, they are the people nearest and dearest to you, if she truly is one, you shouldn't care how long it takes her to come around, she will before your wedding that is 18 months away (oh yeah, and slow down on that....I would be super annoyed to be bombarded with wedding stuff 18 months out).
  
  To the PP...spell check is important because I don't want to decipher a post for 20 minutes to respond to it.  Also, paragraphs help.  I can't spell while I am typing either, that is why I use spell check because I'm a rambler and I type too fast.  I don't double check grammar and syntax, but I get my point across, it is difficult to understand OP's details with it being so jumbled and unintelligible because of errors.

  

  June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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• kmmssg mod

  

  April 2013

  I remember when I went through my divorce and that was 25ish years ago.  I can't underscore who much it can steal your soul.  Even if you are the one who initiated it (like me) you can feel alone, overwhelmingly sad, immense failure, and many other things.

  
  

  Give it a couple of weeks.  Then find the coolest Hallmark card on the planet for friendship (which could be sappy or ridiculously sarcastic, depending on your friendship) and send it to her.  Tell her you love her, you miss her, and you will be there when she is ready for some girl time.  Best card I ever got basically said "Anywhere, anytime, anything." and was signed "Love, kmmssg's way cool friend"

  
  

  This part from a 2 time bride and 3 time MOB - there is nothing at all for her to be doing for your wedding for at least a year and then it's the dress and showing up sober.  If she chooses to get involved in a shower and/or bach party then cool!  If she doesn't, that's cool too.

  
  

  The only think you should be worry about in the next few months is getting your vendors.  We booked our last DD's photographer 15 months out and he only had 2 dates left for the following calendar year.  Take care of those things and enjoy your engagement.  Be standing by for your friend, and things will come together.  Promise.

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• julie650 member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:5812b87a-e452-4ab8-8565-48010d0e6e11">Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]To the PP...spell check is important because I don't want to decipher a post for 20 minutes to respond to it.  Also, paragraphs help.  I can't spell while I am typing either, that is why I use spell check because I'm a rambler and I type too fast.  I don't double check grammar and syntax, but I get my point across, it is difficult to understand OP's details with it being so jumbled and unintelligible because of errors.
  Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I understand where you are coming from, however no one is forcing you to read this particular post. And the way people were being condescending was very hurtful and helped no one. Not everyone has the same opportunity as the next person when it comes to education, we don't know their story, and regardless of their past it doesn't make them more or less entitled to utilize the boards.

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• Pookieson member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:fc386abf-ba9c-4d53-959a-7126f23cbdcc">Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH : I understand where you are coming from, however no one is forcing you to read this particular post. And the way people were being condescending was very hurtful and helped no one. Not everyone has the same opportunity as the next person when it comes to education, we don't know their story, and regardless of their past it doesn't make them more or less entitled to utilize the boards.
  Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]
  
  No one said she couldn't use the boards, we just encouraged spell check.  It is a button.  One click.  Then I can read your post without getting a headache and she can get the advice she came here for.  I'm sure OP didn't think she was a grammar wizard.  FI can't spell either and he's aware of this short-coming, so he spell checks. 

  

  June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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• julie650 member

  

  April 2013 edited April 2013

  It wasn't an issue with spelling though, it was the run ons and the lack of punctuation. Does spell check insert punctuation, fix grammar and reformat?

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-serious-need-of-some-advice-about-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6e89d95c-4960-46f4-8c26-b57b289fb14bPost:fc386abf-ba9c-4d53-959a-7126f23cbdcc">Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I serious need of some advice about my MOH :
  I understand where you are coming from, however no one is forcing you to read this particular post. And the way people were being condescending was very hurtful and helped no one. Not everyone has the same opportunity as the next person when it comes to education, we don't know their story, and regardless of their past it doesn't make them more or less entitled to utilize the boards.
  Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]
  
  If you read her re-post of her original post, you'd know not to make assumptions about education. She writes quite well, when she wants to. PP were asking her to make that same effort that clearly she was capable of.

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• julie650 member

  

  April 2013

  PP...at the time of her original post, making an assumption about education was perfectly feasible because we had obviously not read this current post. Whether it was correct or incorrect, the point still stands that the response to it was unnecessary.

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