Potential Bridal Party Issues

KoriB2013 · April 2013

So, I haven't yet asked the nine (yes 9) ladies to be a part of my wedding. Their gifts are on the way, and I'll ask them when those get here and I create boxes full of goodies and a sweet card about how much I love them and want them by my side on my big day.

However, almost everyone has issues with someone else who is a part of the bridal party. My step-sister and MOH do not get along whatsoever. And two other bridesmaids don't like each other either. One of them likes to start drama with anyone her little sister (another bm) doesn't like...

Needless to say, I'm extremely worried that they are going to want to start conflict with every party or event I want them all at. I love them all dearly for different reasons, and their bickering is NOT one of those.

My question is, do I say anything to them about how excited I am to plan and party with all of them and hope it can go as smoothly as possible? Or do I just let it go for now until drama undoubtedly ensues?

Please help!

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

You aren't getting married until the end of Septemeber 2014. Do not ask anyone to be in your WP until around February of next year. Once they are in, you cannot kick them out. And when you ask them, just ask. When you do what you are planning you are pressuring them to say yes.

zitiqueen · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:58238675-a3e0-4be1-bae7-52aa74f6e603">Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I haven't yet asked the nine (yes 9) ladies to be a part of my wedding. Their gifts are on the way, and I'll ask them when those get here and I create boxes full of goodies and a sweet card about how much I love them and want them by my side on my big day. However, almost everyone has issues with someone else who is a part of the bridal party. My step-sister and MOH do not get along whatsoever. And two other bridesmaids don't like each other either. One of them likes to start drama with anyone her little sister (another bm) doesn't like... Needless to say, I'm extremely worried that they are going to want to start conflict with every party or event I want them all at. I love them all dearly for different reasons, and their bickering is NOT one of those. My question is, do I say anything to them about how excited I am to plan and party with all of them and hope it can go as smoothly as possible? Or do I just let it go for now until drama undoubtedly ensues? Please help!
Posted by KoriB2013[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you know what you're signing up for by asking them. That means no complaining about the drama you invited upon yourself later. None of them are going to change their personalities just because you're getting married.

Sierra524 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:58238675-a3e0-4be1-bae7-52aa74f6e603">Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I haven't yet asked the nine (yes 9) ladies to be a part of my wedding. Their gifts are on the way, and I'll ask them when those get here and I create boxes full of goodies and a sweet card about how much I love them and want them by my side on my big day. <strong>However, almost everyone has issues with someone else who is a part of the bridal party</strong>. My step-sister and MOH do not get along whatsoever. And two other bridesmaids don't like each other either. One of them likes to start drama with anyone her little sister (another bm) doesn't like... Needless to say, I'm extremely worried that they are going to want to start conflict with every party or event I want them all at. I love them all dearly for different reasons, and their bickering is NOT one of those. My question is, do I say anything to them about how excited I am to plan and party with all of them and hope it can go as smoothly as possible? Or do I just let it go for now until drama undoubtedly ensues? Please help!
Posted by KoriB2013[/QUOTE]

You knew what you signed up for before deciding on your bridal party. With that being said, they dont ever have to be around each other until the day of the wedding. They dont have to help plan parties or help you with anything, unless they want to. Technically, they just have to be there on the day of your wedding, dressed & ready to walk down the aisle. So if these girls dont like each other, I am sure they will not be wanting to get together for your wedding plans. Please do not try to force them to get along. I dont recommend saying anything either. If you make it a big deal, it will become a big deal. Just pretend like you are not worried & everything will go smoothly.

ETA: I completely agree with GLB. Your plan to present them with these "gifts" and ask them to be your BM is putting a lot of pressure on them to say yes. Maybe not all 9 girls actually want to be a BM for personal reasons. I would just ask them face to face and dont make it a big deal.

aquari0216 · April 2013

so ur buying their gifts beforehand as the 'be in my WP' invite....hmm thats different and i like it HOWEVER....u dont need the drama...cut it down or put your foot down with your expectations that if they cant be grown during this entire period and atleast be cordial then please DECLINE the invite! Youll be stressed enough

AddieCake · April 2013

I get aggravated when people prep for potential drama. Cross bridges when you get to them, not before.

julie650 · April 2013

Is there a particular reason that you need your party to be that big? Is there any way to cut it down to a group that is more likely to get along? If you do this, you might have some serious strain on your relationships with these girls when you're likely to be expected to choose sides.

JoanE2012 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:58238675-a3e0-4be1-bae7-52aa74f6e603">Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I haven't yet asked the nine (yes 9) ladies to be a part of my wedding. Their gifts are on the way, and I'll ask them when those get here and I create boxes full of goodies and a sweet card about how much I love them and want them by my side on my big day. However, almost everyone has issues with someone else who is a part of the bridal party. My step-sister and MOH do not get along whatsoever. And two other bridesmaids don't like each other either. One of them likes to start drama with anyone her little sister (another bm) doesn't like... Needless to say, I'm extremely worried that they are going to want to start conflict with every party or event I want them all at. I love them all dearly for different reasons, and their bickering is NOT one of those. My question is, do I say anything to them about how excited I am to plan and party with all of them and hope it can go as smoothly as possible? Or do I just let it go for now until drama undoubtedly ensues? Please help!
Posted by KoriB2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Generally speaking, the smaller the bridal party, the less stress. We had 2 on each side and it was a breeze. I had someone comment to me that they wished they had done the same (they had 7 on each side). Personally, I'd cut back from 9. Being a guest at a wedding is an honor too.

</div>

[Deleted User] · April 2013

I agree with PP to WAIT!!! Put the gifts away for now & wait to see who is still talking in 6 months. I appreciate that you love all these girls for different reasons. But take this into consideration
-9 different opinions on dresses
-9 different opinions planning your bridal shower & bachlorette party
-The cost of 9 flower bouquests (depending on flowers you're looking at $30-$100 per girls)
-The cost of gifts for each girl being in the wedding party
-The cost of things you contribute to their attire
-Potentially finding 9 guys to be groomsmen
-Flowers for 9 groomsmen (average maybe $10 per guy depending on flowers0
-Gifts for 9 guys
-Finding a limo & the cost of it accomodate all those people (even with just 20 people you'll need a bus that fits min. 30 people so people aren't sitting on top of each other or the girls dresses) unless ceremony, photos & reception all in the same place
-Planning the hair & possibly covering the cost for 9 girls
-Trying to organize 18 people in your bridal party the day of your wedding (hope you're going to pay a wedding coordinator for that)
-The cost of your rehersal dinner because you have to invite 18 people in the bridal party plus their spouse/significant other.

Sorry but the first thing that comes to mind when things come up for me are costs, logistics and stress that will be caused. For me it was about keeping things simple & keeping stress to a minimum & that really helped me to enjoy the planning of our wedding and our wedding day.

Take all of this into consideration

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:188e8345-8106-40ea-a491-35a18b293b52">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP to WAIT!!! Put the gifts away for now & wait to see who is still talking in 6 months. I appreciate that you love all these girls for different reasons. But take this into consideration -9 different opinions on dresses -9 different opinions planning your bridal shower & bachlorette party -The cost of 9 flower bouquests (depending on flowers you're looking at $30-$100 per girls) -The cost of gifts for each girl being in the wedding party -The cost of things you contribute to their attire -Potentially finding 9 guys to be groomsmen -Flowers for 9 groomsmen (average maybe $10 per guy depending on flowers0 -Gifts for 9 guys -Finding a limo & the cost of it accomodate all those people (even with just 20 people you'll need a bus that fits min. 30 people so people aren't sitting on top of each other or the girls dresses) unless ceremony, photos & reception all in the same place -Planning the hair & possibly covering the cost for 9 girls -Trying to organize 18 people in your bridal party the day of your wedding (hope you're going to pay a wedding coordinator for that) -The cost of your rehersal dinner because you have to invite 18 people in the bridal party plus their spouse/significant other. Sorry but the first thing that comes to mind when things come up for me are costs, logistics and stress that will be caused. For me it was about keeping things simple & keeping stress to a minimum & that really helped me to enjoy the planning of our wedding and our wedding day. Take all of this into consideration
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]
There's no reason to assume that he would have 9 groomsmen.

teachmegs1 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:55ca386a-da4b-4922-82be-3695a90d813a">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE](Sigh) There will not be "drama" or "issues" in a wedding party that are not of a BRIDE'S making. Why? Because all a bridesmaid has to do is get her dress and show up for the wedding. This does not involve contact with each other UNLESS a bride is foolish enough to insist that bridesmaids that she already knows dislike each other go on a group shopping trip or other outings together. They will stand in a line during the bride's ceremony. This does not involve speaking to, or socializing, with each other. They are adults and can manage this. There. That was easy. Wasn't it?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I kind of disagree with this statement. I've had some issues amongst my bridal party and it was in no way due to what I created. I asked them to be apart of my day, we either went together or separate to get the dress and that's all that I was involved in. The issue arose when they decided to throw me a shower, and plan my bachorlette party. None of these events were my doing as far as creating them myself or bringing it upon myself. The bride doesn't create all of the drama when things go wrong in a wedding party. Believe it or not, sometimes the bride isn't the one being a 'zilla, it's a bridal party member.

Sierra524 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:6171bf31-c5ae-43b6-bff0-fa9a8296b36e">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues : I kind of disagree with this statement. I've had some issues amongst my bridal party and it was in no way due to what I created. I asked them to be apart of my day, we either went together or separate to get the dress and that's all that I was involved in. The issue arose when they decided to throw me a shower, and plan my bachorlette party. None of these events were my doing as far as creating them myself or bringing it upon myself. The bride doesn't create all of the drama when things go wrong in a wedding party. <strong> Believe it or not, sometimes the bride isn't the one being a 'zilla, it's a bridal party member.</strong>
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]

I agree with this part. I have a BM who is way more of a zilla than I am. I told her I dont think we are going to have a limo (budget issues) & she flipped saying that we NEED one.

winelover123 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:188e8345-8106-40ea-a491-35a18b293b52">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP to WAIT!!! Put the gifts away for now & wait to see who is still talking in 6 months. I appreciate that you love all these girls for different reasons. But take this into consideration
-9 different opinions on dresses
-9 different opinions planning your bridal shower & bachlorette party
-The cost of 9 flower bouquests (depending on flowers you're looking at $30-$100 per girls)
-The cost of gifts for each girl being in the wedding party
-The cost of things you contribute to their attire
-<strong>Potentially finding 9 guys to be groomsmen </strong>
-<strong>Flowers for 9 groomsmen (average maybe $10 per guy depending on flowers0</strong>
-<strong>Gifts for 9 guys</strong>
-<strong>Finding a limo & the cost of it accomodate all those people (even with just 20 people you'll need a bus that fits min. 30 people so people aren't sitting on top of each other or the girls dresses) unless ceremony, photos & reception all in the same place </strong>
-<strong>Planning the hair & possibly covering the cost for 9 girls </strong>
-Trying to organize 18 people in your bridal party the day of your wedding (hope you're going to pay a wedding coordinator for that)
-The cost of your rehersal dinner because you have to invite 18 people in the bridal party plus their spouse/significant other.
Sorry but the first thing that comes to mind when things come up for me are costs, logistics and stress that will be caused. For me it was about keeping things simple & keeping stress to a minimum & that really helped me to enjoy the planning of our wedding and our wedding day. Take all of this into consideration
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

The bolded really don't matter - that's overthinking it. You don't need 9 groomsmen and you don't need a limo. The WP can also coordinate with each other to drive to the venues. I'm not hiring a limo for the BP - FI and I will be lucky if we get a special car to take us from the wedding! If you don't care about hair and makeup, the cost of hair and make up is on your BMs if they choose to get it done. No coordination or cost required from the bride and groom.

OP, wait to ask ANYONE to be in your bridal party. In all seriousness, you know there will be drama so if you're bent on having all 9 girls as BMs, cut down on it by cutting down on the time they will be (officially) your BMs. Less time for crazy!

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:4884dbbb-6371-412b-8b40-bd0c2a628b2e">Re:
Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:

QUOTE](Sigh) There will not be "drama" or
"issues" in a wedding party that are not of a BRIDE'S making. Posted by
RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE] Then they're behaving like children, and the bride tells them so and stays out of it. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I think her point (and I agree) is that it is not always the bride's fault when BMs don't get along. She can stay out of it all she wants but that is not going to stop the "drama" going on with the BMs. It's not her problem but her staying out of it does not magically
make it disappear.</div>

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

This is all just silly. If inviting 9 girls that can't be trusted to behave like adults to be your BMs will create drama, don't do it. Simple.

If you go ahead, and you know they have the mental capacity of two pre-teens fighting over a Twilight poster, then you basically reap what you sow.

It's like deciding to pick up a rabid frothing squirrel. Congratulations, the logical conclusion of your decision to pick it up happened. You now have several bites and rabies.

KoriB2013 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:70f92694-bd0c-4567-917f-1fbaacf6abc1">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't getting married until the end of Septemeber 2014. Do not ask anyone to be in your WP until around February of next year. Once they are in, you cannot kick them out. And when you ask them, just ask. When you do what you are planning you are pressuring them to say yes.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I really didn't realize that there was a time to ask them. So, thanks! I'm young, and all of my married friends just went to the courthouse or had a shotgun wedding. So, I don't have too many people helping me out on when to do what. And since we have such a long engagement all of the pinterest posts about time lines are also different, I guess. Maybe not? </div><div>My 'gift' for them is just their invite to be in the wedding (including why I would love them to be there), a picture of us, and a couple little things. Definitely will be given to them in person. :) </div>

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:0a52372c-ac1a-47b1-a167-75159fff9322">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people are not getting it. Although it shouldn't be necessary.....if it is....tell the maids to stop contacting it each other. "All you have to do is get your dresses and stand beside me on the wedding day. It isn't necessary for any of you to contact each other in order to do that. Grow the F up, knock it off, and quit using me as an excuse for your infantile feud." I realize some of you ladies are a generation or two behind me, but all my friends know this is one reason why <strong>I dislike most women on principle.</strong> This kind of thing wouldn't even get started. They'd be out of my circle of friends and they know it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Wow. I have to ask then, if you dislike women on principle, why in the world are you are such an estrogen heavy website?

And I have to say I find this statement to be incredibly offensive.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridal-party-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d248bcb-369d-4dac-862c-2ba25390e78bPost:87977bfb-258b-41eb-a337-828545038254">Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Potential Bridal Party Issues : I really didn't realize that there was a time to ask them. So, thanks! I'm young, and all of my married friends just went to the courthouse or had a shotgun wedding. So, I don't have too many people helping me out on when to do what. And since we have such a long engagement all of the pinterest posts about time lines are also different, I guess. Maybe not? My 'gift' for them is just their invite to be in the wedding (including why I would love them to be there), a picture of us, and a couple little things. Definitely will be given to them in person. :)
Posted by KoriB2013[/QUOTE]

Hang around Kori. I learned a lot from these boards while planning my wedding. The reason you should wait it because a lot can change in a year, including relationships and you don't want to be stuck with someone in your WP you really cannot stand anymore. Knowing that the women you want to ask do not get along, that is another reason to wait.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

It is still an incredibly sexist attitude to have. You don't have to be a man to be sexist about women.

And I have joined countless professional women's organizations and have played on more women's sports teams than I want to tally up right now and not one of them is what you have described. You know the saying that if one person has a problem with you, it may be them; If two have a problem with you, it may still be them; If three or more have a problem then the problem is you?

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