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Getting in Shape

NWR/NGISR-MOH/fiance issue

My MOH was in town for my shower and she accidentally insulted my fiance. 

Some background: my MOH is a really nice, caring woman. I've known her since high school. She does have a background of saying inappropriate things and not knowing when to let a subject go. Every so often, she tells me a story of someone she is in a fight with, and while I sympathize with her, I think to myself, "why the heck would you have even said that and why didn't you just apologize and let it go instead of digging yourself a deeper hole?"

So, after the shower, we had a bunch of people over and she was asking him if he was going to learn to cook. He explained that his crazy work schedule makes it hard to cook. (he is not some slacker that thinks everything is a woman's job or something; he tends to do the type of housework that can be done at any hour due to his hectic schedule and he also picks up food for us or takes me out several times a week so it's not like I'm cooking every night). She then just kept harassing him that he should find time and that her husband comes home after a 12 hour shift and grills food for them. Whatever explanation he had, she had a rebuttal. I had to just change the subject. 

He told me afterward that he was really insulted and embarrassed by how she was going on and on about this, basically calling him a slacker, in front of a bunch of people. He wanted to contact her directly, but I felt that would really make things uncomfortable so he agreed not to. He doesn't want me to approach her about it though. I feel like I should probably say something to her before she starts in on it again, which is highly possible because she brought it up to me again when we were alone.

How would you go about trying to fix this?

Re: NWR/NGISR-MOH/fiance issue

  • Lobsters25Lobsters25 member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    Ughhh, first, I am sorry you have to deal with this!

    I think it's something for you and FI to decide together, because these situations are likely to happen in life, so it's good to come up with a 'family' approach now.
    I personally would let H say something to her - but after running it by me since I would know her triggers - and so we'd come up with a level-headed, non-defensive response together, for him to say to her.  I think we'd take this approach because I am very independent, and want H to be, too, and so I don't ever want to be the people who stand up for the other one, I want each of us to hold our own ground.  I know he'd always have my back, and I'd have his, but that's only when we need to call in the reinforcements, or when things get to an unfixable point.
    But some couples prefer a united approach, or a 'you know him/her' better approach, and I don't judge (okay, I judge if a woman can never stand up for herself, let's be real, but that's not the issue at hand.)  It's all about what works for you guys.
    Anniversary
  • I disagree with Lobsters that your FI should bring it up with MOH. I think you should address this issue with her yourself.

    "MOH, thanks so much for coming to/throwing my shower. I hope you had as much fun as I did. I do want to bring up something that happened at the shower - when you were talking with my fiance he felt like you were attacking him about his lack of cooking. I understand you were just trying to have a conversation, but in the future I need you to drop this issue. FI and I have our cooking dynamic figured out and it works for us - thanks for your concern though." then change the conversation to something more pleasant ("oh, how wonderful the food was" etc.)

    Your FI should feel free to defend himself in the future, but with the above conversation you may be able to pre-diffuse a futrue situation between the two of them.
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  • entropic is so good at wording things nicely, and I certainly do understand both sides (you saying it vs him saying it) - so I'm glad you're getting multiple perspectives :)

    I think that's a great way to address it if you do opt to go that route.

    ps why is the font all weird
    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re: NWR/NGISR-MOH/fiance issue:
    [QUOTE] From how it sounds, I think even if MOH dropped this one issue, she'd bring up others in the future if you don't shut that down now.
    Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

    That is actually a fear of mine I didn't express. Being pushy is part of her personality. She has had at least 3 people unfriend her on Facebook because she pushed them about breast feeding. She pointed out or I saw some of those conversations and even in writing could see the other person getting annoyed and her just not backing off. I think she has trouble recognizing when people are uncomfortable or annoyed. I swear she's a very nice person though. Very loyal and always there for you.
  • @Lobsters, you're right. It really is a family decision. I just felt like it was something I wanted to talk about and couldn't really bring it up with people that might have any emotional stake in it. I wish he would have just told her to mind her business when it first happened so there wasn't this lingering issue. I think this type of thing is best addressed on the spot. I feel like it would be awkward for him to send her this belated e-mail or call her (especially since he's never once called her on his own) to talk about this. We had decided that nobody was going to contact her about it, but now that she brought it up with me again, I'm really concerned she will bring it up again if she isn't told. However, I really don't want to tell him that she brought it up again and reopen the wound.

    @Entropic, I love how that sounds. I think it sounds very nonconfrontational. I think if I was on the listening end of that, I wouldn't feel like a complete jerk (and I don't want to make her feel like a complete jerk).
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