NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party

kjtollefson · May 2013

Hello all! I've been lurking around for awhile, but this is the first issue that's come up since I've been on the Knot and I'd like some input!

Here's some back-story: my BF and I have been together over two years and he's moving in with me in a week and a half. Yay! Exciting! We looked at rings about two months ago, found *the* ring, but we're not in any rush to get engaged (he's finishing up his semester of his grad program). I only told my two best friends (both of whom live across the country from me!) that we'd been looking because I didn't want to be *that* girl and tell everyone and then have it possibly be months and months before we got engaged.

My mom (who I have a decent relationship with, but not close enough to tell her that we had gone ring shopping) recently asked me if my BF and I were going to get engaged soon, etc. It was only then that I told her we found a ring and that it's up to him when we get engaged, yada yada yada.

This is where the issue is. I was my sister's MOH at her wedding 5 years ago--we made a little pact when I was six and she was nine that we'd be each other's MOHs--, but shortly after she got married, she and my brother-in-law moved to the UK (they were stationed there with the military) and our relationship has definitely dwindled because the distance. Since I've been dating my BF, my sister has met him once. Literally once, for one day. My mom told her about my BF and I ring shopping, and she called me telling me that she's excited to be my MOH. I told her that I'm not even engaged yet and I'm trying to not think about all this wedding business until it happens. In the last five years, the closest thing to a sister I've had is my best friend from college. While I'm not trying to plan my wedding in any sense before I get engaged, this has me thinking: is it okay to replace my sister with my best friend as MOH? I tried to keep this as DL as possible (seeing as we're still not engaged), but what do you say to people who just *assume* they're going to be in the bridal party/invited/etc? I'm starting to get it a lot and it's driving me wild!

thejucheidea · May 2013

I think it's gonna come down to how much drama you can tolerate. I didn't want my sister in my bridal party because we're not close at all, but my mom really wanted her to be in it, so I acquiesed. Still sucks, but I'd rather deal with one day than years of grumbling.

I definitely wouldn't have your sister be your MOH if she's not your best, however. I'd save a place in the wedding party, but not the most honored position. That's for your best.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

KJ - Nice to meet you.

As you know, the ladies on this board don't condone preplanning, so you're going to get a whole lot of "don't worry about it until you're engaged" responses.

With that said...I will also caution you that you might have longer than you (or your family) thinks before you're engaged. My FI had purchased the ring more than a year before we actually got engaged, and we had looked at rings at least 4 months prior to that. So this would be my approach:

1. Stop telling people that you've looked at rings. It will only fuel the fire on other people asking questions...and make you less and less patient while waiting.

2. Tell your mom/sister/friends that you are not engaged yet and you want to enjoy your relationship as it is now - dating. When you do get engaged, they'll be the first to know; but until then you don't want to talk about wedding ideas or begin planning in any way.

3. Don't make any commitments regarding a future wedding. You don't have to decide right now who your MOH will be (or any other WR decisions for that matter either!). There could be quite a bit of time before you actually begin planning anything, and trust me - it's harder to take things back than to wait on those decisions.

Otherwise just enjoy your relationship and try to keep your mind active with other things!

audrewuh · May 2013

Don't tell people that will cause drama that you're "about to be engaged." Just enjoy drama free, wedding free life right now with your BF. You'll have to cross these bridges when you get to them, and my dear, you aren't within reach of that bridge yet.

It'll also be great practice for when you DO get engaged. You can't tell everyone about your plans bc someone somewhere is going to judge and you'll get your feelers hurt.

kjtollefson · May 2013

In Response to Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party:
[QUOTE]Don't tell people that will cause drama that you're "about to be engaged." Just enjoy drama free, wedding free life right now with your BF. You'll have to cross these bridges when you get to them, and my dear, you aren't within reach of that bridge yet. It'll also be great practice for when you DO get engaged. You can't tell everyone about your plans bc someone somewhere is going to judge and you'll get your feelers hurt.
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

That's exactly what I thought I was doing by barely telling anyone. When I do have a day where I can't stop thinking about it (it happens!) I call my best friend and she calls me on my crap (haha!) and I get back to reality--just being happy in my relationship with my BF. I'm super excited he's moving in and that's more than enough for now.

My mother's name, however, is spelled d-r-a-m-a, which is why I resisted telling her until she flat-out asked me about it. I emphasized that I didn't want to tell everyone until it happened. Now that she's told my sister, my mom is telling all her friends (who are like family), even though I ask her not to. This means that I'm fielding questions left and right, and I feel like I've said, "We're not engaged yet, so I'm not planning anything until it happens" too many times. Is there a better way to respond to these people?

CASK85 · May 2013

In Response to Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party : That's exactly what I thought I was doing by barely telling anyone. When I do have a day where I can't stop thinking about it (it happens!) I call my best friend and she calls me on my crap (haha!) and I get back to reality--just being happy in my relationship with my BF. I'm super excited he's moving in and that's more than enough for now. My mother's name, however, is spelled d-r-a-m-a, which is why I resisted telling her until she flat-out asked me about it. I emphasized that I didn't want to tell everyone until it happened. Now that she's told my sister, my mom is telling all her friends (who are like family), even though I ask her not to. This means that I'm fielding questions left and right, and I feel like I've said, "We're not engaged yet, so I'm not planning anything until it happens" too many times. Is there a better way to respond to these people?
Posted by kjtollefson[/QUOTE]
Tell them to MYOB. It sucks that your mom had to blab to a bunch of people. . .

As for the sister thing, I agree that you shouldn't worry about it until you're engaged, but that said, I had my best friend as my MOH and my sister was just a BM. She seemed ok with it even though we had talked about her being the MOH previously. We live 600 miles away and drifted apart much like your experience.

audrewuh · May 2013

In Response to Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party : That's exactly what I thought I was doing by barely telling anyone. When I do have a day where I can't stop thinking about it (it happens!) I call my best friend and she calls me on my crap (haha!) and I get back to reality--just being happy in my relationship with my BF. I'm super excited he's moving in and that's more than enough for now. My mother's name, however, is spelled d-r-a-m-a, which is why I resisted telling her until she flat-out asked me about it. I emphasized that I didn't want to tell everyone until it happened. Now that she's told my sister, my mom is telling all her friends (who are like family), even though I ask her not to. This means that I'm fielding questions left and right, and I feel like I've said, "We're not engaged yet, so I'm not planning anything until it happens" too many times. Is there a better way to respond to these people?
Posted by kjtollefson[/QUOTE]

Besides "You're being rude as hell.! GTFO my relationship." no, there isn't a better way.

You should practice bean dipping:

Nosey person 1: "ZOMG You're getting engaged!! Where's the wedding? What date should we save? I can't wait to go buy a dress!"

KJT: "You're too sweet! BF and I aren't making any plans since we're not engaged. We're really enjoying this time in our relationship. How is Auntie Marie/work/child/dog/husband/wife/bicycling/play writing doing?" <-- changing the subject, AKA bean dip ("have you tried the bean dip??"), is your best strategy for getting out of that convo.

Belle2188 · May 2013

When the time comes, choose the person you'd rather have standing beside you on your wedding day. If it's not your sister you can probably expect some hard feelings, but hopefully she's mature enough to let it go and just be happy for you. In my own personal opinion I would always prefer to choose family--friends can sometimes come and go but your sister will always be your sister. That being said, I don't have a sister and will probably end up choosing a friend that desperately wants to be my MOH and has cornered me similar to the way your sister has, so all in all I'm the wrong person to ask about that!

Regardless, like everyone has said, just forget about it until you're officially engaged and try to change the subject when people bring it up. I can totally understand why you'd want to talk to your close friends about it--I don't see a problem with that. Quite honestly I tried not talking to anyone about going ring shopping and all it took was one too many glasses of wine with BF's sisters for me to realize what a bad idea it was to let all of it fester inside my head! Just make sure you're only talking to people you trust not to take it out of context, and try not to engage your mom with wedding talk anymore.

ravenray · May 2013

The others have already given great advice; I just want to add one more piece of advice. When you are engaged, don't choose your wedding party until about six months out. Especially if you have a long engagement, so much can change in that time period that it is important to wait. GL on bean dipping your family, I know how hard that can be!

cu97tiger · May 2013

I had my sister as my Maid of Honor and my BF as my Matron of Honor. My sister had the same at her wedding.I wasn't hurt, and I don't think she was either. But like someone else said, it could be awhile before you have to make these decisions and your relationships could change again, so if you can, just put thisout of your mind for now.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2013

Try not to worry about this until you're engaged. And discourage your family from talking about wedding related topics until you're engaged.

Then, when the time coms, put who you want in your BP. Your sister will have to put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

kjtollefson · May 2013

Thanks everyone! It was driving me so wild--I was trying to not think about it, which is hard enough as it is, without having to field questions about something that isn't in the works yet--that all I wanted to do was punch the next person who asked me about it in the throat. Not really, but a girl can dream!

NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party

Re: NEY and People Dibbing Bridal Party

Choose Another Board

Search Boards