Moms and Maids

MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers

My daughter just got engaged.  She is 19, he is 17.  They've been together for 4 years, but friends for much longer.  He proposed with his mother's blessing and a family heirloom ring.  He's known, since he's twelve, that he wanted to marry my daughter.  They've already battled and come through a lot, including illness, long distance, family/friends trying to draw them apart, and many more things that have torn more "mature" couples apart.  They are planning for a Halloween 2015 wedding, after they've both graduated all their schooling.  They have a budget and are saving for it, with enough to have a decent next egg, too.  Some people who have seen them go through all this still are telling them they're too young to think about getting married.  How can I tell these naysaying friends and family members that these "kids" have their heads screwed on better about this than most of those doing the "well, don't worry, things could change by then" when I am so proud and happy for my daughter and FSIL?

Re: MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    The best thing to remember is "Its none of your business what other people think of you" and its true, its not. Don't worry about other people.

    From personal experience however, I was in your daughters position, but by the time I was 20, I was a completely different person and no longer was able to function with the person my partner had become.

    I do hope very good things for your daughter, but bear in mind that as they grow older and into themselves, they may no longer be people who are compatible. 

    I say none of this to be negative, but to add maybe perspective to what your friends and family have to say. 
    Anniversary
    image
  • First off, I'm glad you are a supportive MOB and I'm sure the bride and groom both appreciate it. Second, just tell people that it's Bride and Groom's decision and you fully support them.
  • edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers:
    [QUOTE]The best thing to remember is "Its none of your business what other people think of you" and its true, its not. Don't worry about other people. From personal experience however, I was in your daughters position, but by the time I was 20, I was a completely different person and no longer was able to function with the person my partner had become. I do hope very good things for your daughter, but bear in mind that as they grow older and into themselves, they may no longer be people who are compatible.  I say none of this to be negative, but to add maybe perspective to what your friends and family have to say. 
    Posted by smalfrie19[/QUOTE]

    I completely get it.  I left my childhood sweetheart 3 weeks before our wedding because I couldn't be who he wanted me to be (Rapunzel, locked in a tower...but that's another story).  Keeping my fingers crossed.  :D
  • In Response to Re:MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers:
    [QUOTE]First off, I'm glad you are a supportive MOB and I'm sure the bride and groom both appreciate it. Second, just tell people that it's Bride and Groom's decision and you fully support them.
    Posted by Teddy917[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Teddy!
  • Well, it's such a long engagement that they won't be teenagers, at least. I do think it's a mistake in most cases to marry one's childhood sweetheart without ever having dated anyone else, and I also feel that any 'dating' years before adulthood just shouldn't count, since it's not remotely the same. Not that I have a wealth of experience myself, and H and I got married at 26 and 23 respectively after 5.5 years of dating.

    But I would emphasize that they are waiting a couple more years to get married when anyone comments.
    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to Re: MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers:
    [QUOTE]Well, it's such a long engagement that they won't be teenagers, at least. I do think it's a mistake in most cases to marry one's childhood sweetheart without ever having dated anyone else, and I also feel that any 'dating' years before adulthood just shouldn't count, since it's not remotely the same. Not that I have a wealth of experience myself, and H and I got married at 26 and 23 respectively after 5.5 years of dating. But I would emphasize that they are waiting a couple more years to get married when anyone comments.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

    H and I started dating my senior year of high school.  We were together 9 years before we married.  We have now been together a total of 11 years.  We never broke up and we never dated anyone else in our adulthood.  So it does work out.

    I do, however, think that waiting until both are done school (if college is something they want to do) and are financially stable and have lived together for a bit is a good thing to do.
    Living together is completely different then just dating.  You need to know how that other person is 24/7 and how each other deals with different situations when it comes to joint finances.

    I do know that H and I talked about marriage a lot before we actually pulled the trigger.  We are completely different now then we were in our late teens and early 20's.  Luckily we have grown together and accepted how each other has changed but that isn't always the case.

    But I do have to say, OP, that it is great that you are so supportive and are backing them up on their decision.  Having a great support system gives every relationship a better chance of survival.

  • As far as their opinions, there's not much you can do.  My opinion is that it's not a good idea this soon, but that really doesn't matter.  That's why its an opinion, not a fact.

    I wouldn't try to stop the naysayers, because there will always be naysayers, and it's best that your daughter and FSIL learn to listen and ignore all of it now.  I would find a nice response (like those posted above) about how the family supports it and thats all that matters (maybe with just a teeny tiny twinge of sarcasm, mostly to make it easier on you to brush it off).


  • I'll admit that I'm a naysayer who can't wrap her head around a 15-year-old girl dating a 13-year-old boy.

    jendemeyer
  • In Response to MOB wondering how to deal with naysayers:
    [QUOTE]My daughter just got engaged.  She is 19, he is 17.  They've been together for 4 years, but friends for much longer.  He proposed with his mother's blessing and a family heirloom ring.  He's known, since he's twelve, that he wanted to marry my daughter.  They've already battled and come through a lot, including illness, long distance, family/friends trying to draw them apart, and many more things that have torn more "mature" couples apart.  They are planning for a Halloween 2015 wedding, after they've both graduated all their schooling.  They have a budget and are saving for it, with enough to have a decent next egg, too.  Some people who have seen them go through all this still are telling them they're too young to think about getting married.  How can I tell these naysaying friends and family members that these "kids" have their heads screwed on better about this than most of those doing the "well, don't worry, things could change by then" when I am so proud and happy for my daughter and FSIL?
    Posted by Gunivera[/QUOTE]

    Yep.

  • My Fh and I started dating when we were 14. We got enegaged at 21, we are getting married in 5 months at 23, we have had negative comments through out our entire relationship. What I have learned is to each his own. When we got engaged, one of his uncles actually said to his dad, dont you think their too young, after we had already been together for over 7 years, and had been living together for 2. Theres always going to be be someone.... just stay behind them and who cares.  
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  • Maggie, I certainly didn't mean that it can never work out, just that the odds are against it. And I definitely agree with your points about education and living together. I think an even more important thing to do before getting married is to live alone. I hated living by myself and paying all my bills and so on, but it was good for me to do that for a couple years before H moved in when we got engaged. I think everyone needs to prove that they're capable of being an adult on their own first.
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    jendemeyer
  • All you can do is continue being supportive.  A young relationship can mature and its up to them to either embrace and grow together rather than a part.  If they have supportive families that is even better, so kuddos to you for supporting your daughter.  People will talk no matter what, so just let it go and continue to be there for your daughter and FSIL.
    image

    Anniversary
  • I'm glad you're being supportive. There will always be naysayers. Just ignore the naysayers.  I'd definitely encourage them to become financially stable and independent before marriage, though.




  • KaySea6213KaySea6213 member
    100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    I'm 19 and my FI is 21, we have been together for 7 years now. I caught MIL and Mom talking at the bridal shower about much they support us. I'm not sure what my MIL says to people when they mention our age, but if I ever express worry about what someone has said about our age she just hugs me and says "it's your life, and you know what's right for you." My mom is always the person that steps in and says that we've been together longer than she and her husband. I think it's really clear to see the love we share.

    While all this is true and important, we have changed so very much from the people we were two years ago, and even a year ago. Our relationship, and our struggles, have helped mold us into stronger, more moral, more thoughtful people. When it comes to young relationships, change is bound to happen. It takes recognizing that, and a lot of work, to help grow into the people you one day want to be.

     If you have faith that's all you can say. I hope everything works out for your daughter and her FI, they are very lucky to have a supportive influence like you in their lives.

    (P.S. A lot of our changing came from moving out on our own and adopting two dogs. We also pay all our own bills and rely solely on ourself for money. It's a lot to take on while being in school, and the pressure has changed us. Overall though it's true what they say, you don't really know a person until you live with them.)
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