How to honor loved ones who have passed

RM1982 · May 2013

I've been exploring on my blog ideas for how to do a memorial for lost loved ones.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu/2013/05/honoring-those-who-have-passed-during-your-wedding/

What other ideas do you have?

MrsGandthebeag · May 2013

I didn't click on your link but I had my dad's pic in a locket which was attached to my bouquet.

Jen4948 · May 2013

Most of the ideas mentioned in your link are ones Knot posters don't agree with.

I think it's fine to wear, carry, serve, or provide as entertainment things that your deceased loved ones owned or enjoyed, and to give them tributes in a wedding program. Those are subtle, loving reminders of the deceased that don't call attention to the reason why they are not present.

That's where I'd stop. No photos, candles, empty chairs, or moments of silence. Your wedding is not supposed to be a sequel to their funerals or a memorial service, and those particular suggestions do come off as too funereal-especially for those present who didn't know the deceased. And even for those who did, such as widows or widowers, they can be too poignant (and painful) reminders of the reasons those loved ones are not present. Grief and loss are not the emotions that should be evoked on a wedding day.

artbyallie · May 2013

Fishing for blog hits, much?

Anything actually visible at the wedding itself is inappropriate because as PPs noted, it can bring out old grief at what should be a joyous occasion. It is inconsiderate of others who may have known the person, because they may not be expecting to be reminded.

OliveOilsMom · May 2013

You should remove the link to your blog from your original post. You are violating the terms of service.

And PP have it right, you don't want to be upsetting wedding guests with unexpected tributes to a deceased loved one on such a happy occaision.

FIL passed away 7 years before our wedding and while we had a floral arrangement to honor our grandparents and FIL, there was no sign to indicate thats what it was for. He was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful of our church service and that was it. We even restricted the DJ from playing certain songs at the reception so that MIL didn't become upset by them as they were "their" songs - even if they were very common songs.

calliopeia2013 · May 2013

I had a VERY veiled tribute to my deceased grandfathers (two extra white roses in the altar flower arrangement on my side of the altar). Meaningful to me, but I doubt anyone else noticed it, or, if they did, knew what it was about.

Jen4948 · May 2013

In Response to Re:How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]My grandmother recently passed and was a big part of my life and is going to be a very big part missing from my wedding, i have decided to rope off a seat and place flowers where she would have sat. Thats my dedication and honor to her in my ceremony
Posted by J&Z2014[/QUOTE]

Please, find a less morbid way to honor your grandmother. Roping off a seat and placing flowers where she would have sat may well be too upsetting for the person/s who have to sit next to that seat, and anyone else because it calls too much attention to the reason why your grandmother isn't there.

There are other ways listed above that honor her memory without being macabre. "Honoring her memory" isn't what your wedding is about-it's not a memorial service for the dead, no matter how big a part of your life she was.

RM1982 · May 2013

In Response to Re: How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]Most of the ideas mentioned in your link are ones Knot posters don't agree with. I think it's fine to wear, carry, serve, or provide as entertainment things that your deceased loved ones owned or enjoyed, and to give them tributes in a wedding program. Those are subtle, loving reminders of the deceased that don't call attention to the reason why they are not present. That's where I'd stop. No photos, candles, empty chairs, or moments of silence. Your wedding is not supposed to be a sequel to their funerals or a memorial service, and those particular suggestions do come off as too funereal-especially for those present who didn't know the deceased. And even for those who did, such as widows or widowers, they can be too poignant (and painful) reminders of the reasons those loved ones are not present. Grief and loss are not the emotions that should be evoked on a wedding day.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Intersting! I didn't know Knotties were generally opposed to such things.

It's very important for me to include Ilana in my wedding day. As I said, I'm in the position where I am really the only one who was close to her so it's not a matter of needing to balance a greiving widow's desires against a greiving son's.

I personally don't think it's wrong to include a memorial in some way (obviously, or I wouldn't have written the post), but it's definitely good to think about what emotion you want to promote at your wedding and how others will feel about it.

Love the idea of the locket with a picture. That's beautifully subtle and personal.

For me, I feel a need to publically honor Ilana as she should have been a bridesmaid. That's just me!

RM1982 · May 2013

In Response to Re: How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]You should remove the link to your blog from your original post. You are violating the terms of service. And PP have it right, you don't want to be upsetting wedding guests with unexpected tributes to a deceased loved one on such a happy occaision. FIL passed away 7 years before our wedding and while we had a floral arrangement to honor our grandparents and FIL, there was no sign to indicate thats what it was for. He was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful of our church service and that was it. We even restricted the DJ from playing certain songs at the reception so that MIL didn't become upset by them as they were "their" songs - even if they were very common songs.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

Very sorry about that! I didn't mean any disrespect.

RM1982 · May 2013

I'm surprised that people are so opinionated about my own wedding. :-/

This is an idea to explore and I don't understand the "You should never do this" sentiment that seems prevelent.

The question for me is not whether or not I should do it. I am going to do it. I was curious to find out other ways that people have accknowledged a missing loved one.

It might not be your thing. You might think it's tacky. You might think you wouldn't want it at your wedding. But this is mine and I cannot let the day go by without giving honor to a girl who I love so dearly.

RM1982 · May 2013

In Response to Re: How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]I'm a widow, and that's why I am deeply disturbed by this recent trend toward "memorials" at weddings. They might be moving to the couple, but they can be a DREADFUL shock to other family members who arrive at the wedding (joyous occasion) are suddenly confronted with an unexpected reminder of their loss. For a grieving spouse, it can be a knife in the heart. Milestone events for the children are difficult enough for a surviving parent. They're already keenly aware that their spouse isn't alive to see this day, which would have meant so much to them. I would flat-out refuse to sit next to that GODAWFUL empty chair with a flower on it where my dead husband would have sat. Dear God! A Knottie came on here and ranted about how "selfish" her FMIL was for getting upset about this, but bragged about how she "compromised" by only making her do it for the wedding. (She was going to do it for the reception, too????) I can't believe she would do something like that to her FMIL that so obviously caused her pain. Another Knottie put up a photo of her grandmother and a candle. Her mother knew, and was okay with it, but her aunt didn't know and burst into tears when she saw it. You can hurt people with this. YOU CANNOT "INCLUDE" A DEAD PERSON AT YOUR WEDDING. They are gone. What you can, do though, is hurt the living horribly. Anything you are doing is for YOURSELF. If you want to do something in memory of your loved ones, there are so many other ways to do this. Have a prayer that mentions "those who cannot be with us on this day." Play a favorite song of theirs at the reception dance. Carry their Bible or wear a piece of their jewelry. That doesn't hurt anyone, but still lets you feel as if they're with you. Rant off.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I saw that post about the "selfish" MIL. I totally agree with you. The feelings of others should definitely be taken into account.

Part of the reason I had the link to the blog was that I had a lot more detail there including a video to show how this is done at Hindu weddings. It's not unusual there. My method of marking a picture with a flower garland is highly traditional.

The person that I'm talking about honoring was not a family member and not someone whose death affected anyone else who is going to be at the wedding in the very deep way it affected me. I'm not sure how I would change my plans if it was a relative or someone that many of the guests were close to.

RM1982 · May 2013

In Response to Re: How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to honor loved ones who have passed : Agree with this post with one exception. I was 49 when I married. My father and DHs father have both passed away a number of years ago. My mother was too old to make the trip. So our guests were our friends and only a few of our parents friends. We had wedding pictures of our parents. Not as a memorial but rather to celebrate marriage. It also was interesting to see how differnt the pictures were - my parents m,arried in 1947 and his in 1960. Our wedding theme was antique wedding in the outdoors. So it fit in for that reason too.
Posted by hutchsl[/QUOTE]

That's really lovely! I like it.

Now this is an idea that I think would cause more pain at my particular wedding! My parents are still married, but his are divorced and not amicably.

RM1982 · May 2013

In Response to Re:How to honor loved ones who have passed:
[QUOTE]My grandmother recently passed and was a big part of my life and is going to be a very big part missing from my wedding, i have decided to rope off a seat and place flowers where she would have sat. Thats my dedication and honor to her in my ceremony
Posted by J&Z2014[/QUOTE]

I think that sounds very nice.

You know your family and friends, while we do not. So you know if it will be an appropriate thing to do or not.

Jen4948 · May 2013

Sorry, but if we think your idea isn't a good one, we're going to say so, and even why.

It's not up to you to decide how we should answer.

And as you saw, many of us don't think it's a good one. If you're going to do it anyway, then you don't need our opinions about it, so quit whining about the opinions you got.

short+sassy · May 2013

I realize this probably wouldn't work for most couples, but my fiancee doesn't like wearing rings and doesn't want a wedding ring at all. But we still wanted one for the ceremony. The perfect answer for me was for him to use my deceased father's wedding ring. I find the idea really soothing because it is a tangible reminder that, although he can't be with us physically, he will be with us spiritually.

And, as importantly, both my fiancee and my mother are fine with and touched by the idea as well.

On a funnier note about mens' wedding rings, when my friend got married she realized...when she was already at the altar...that she had totally forgotten her husband's ring. She whispered the dilemma to her maid of honor who as unobtrusively as possible slithered over to the bride's dad in the first row and asked to borrow his ring for the ceremony, lol.

Ella and Pedro · May 2013

I think (but I am guessing based on my second-hand knowledge of Hindu religion) that perhaps a traditional Hindu wedding and belief system would not view the passing of a loved one in quite the same way as a belief system that did not allow for reincarnation.

Given you are having a blended religion wedding, with non-Hindu guests, I think it's fair to respect their viewpoint, as well-represented here in these comments. Meanwhile, I do appreciate that a Hindu person (is this you, OP?) may not see a person's passing in quite the same light, but yet may still leave them open to mourning.

I like the idea of a flower garland. I just would keep it between you and your passed friend, and your beliefs/gods/goddesses.

How to honor loved ones who have passed

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