Counseling

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

Alright ladies, questions:

I'm going to individual counseling. I went for a while for my ED but I quit going because 1. it was 125 a week and 2. I was awkward and not sure what to do/say.

Now. I have some issues. Some past issues that make me fight like a nasty honey badger, and some issues with how my parents treated me/how exH treated me, etc. I want to be better, so I am going.

Also, BF and I are going to counseling. We want to learn to fight productively and not just yell at each other. We also want to make sure we're on the same page about things (even if we disagree), and BF has some issues that make him the way he is too, and with no insurance, this is a good way to get him some help.

How do I start with a counselor? Do I say 'Look, I have some issues, I don't know 100% what they are but I know I'm angry and don't want to be. Halp!'? So I just follow a counselors lead? Do I make a list of things that I know I harbor anger for and know affect me?

How do BF and I start? We have a good relationship, but I want it better and it's sort of a pre-marital counseling for us. Do they usually know what they're doing and therefore they will ask all the right questions?

So for those of you who have been through counseling......counsel me

buddysmom80 · May 2013

I've never had couples therapy but I've had one-on-one sessions. Here is my .02.

First you have to see if the couselor takes your medical insurance, because if they don't it's a PITA. I found a therapist that was awesome for me, but was considered out of network with my insurance (her "main" office was in Manhattan) so I was paying 50% and it started adding up a lot.

Once you see who is in your network, like Sak said (or laurenb, whatever lol) suggested, it pays to shop around. You have to be comfortable with who you're speaking with or you'll never resolve anything.

I would think that you would speak with a therapist first one-on-one to work out whatever issues you have and how to cope. After that you would work things out as a couple My therapist gave me awesome ideas on how to hash things out constructively and not blow EVERYTHING out of proportion. She also called my PCP and had her write an Rx for xanax which helps with the anxiety out of nowhere problem I've seem to developed over the past ten years.

Therapy was tough for me, I had to dig up a lot of shlt from the past and it was painful, but in the end it helped me figure out why I was making the decisions I was and why I was reacting to things the way I was.

Good luck!

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Counseling:
[QUOTE]I'm not very familiar with couples' counseling and how that works, but I am intimately familiar with the one-on-one. I would start with what you mentioned, making a list of what affects you and also list what you would like to get out of the experience. Have you already found a counselor? I was able to see one through the university grad program and I felt like he was incredibly helpful, but then he graduated and I got stuck with some douchecanoe so I stopped going. If you haven't already found one, I would suggest contacting several and doing phone consults. I think www.psychologytoday.com can give you a list of people and their specialties and you can send an introductory email to establish contact. Once they get an idea of where you're coming from, they will be able to address topics that they think are relevant. I'm also a big fan of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbooks, but I'm not sure what topics they cover. I have the ones for depression and anxiety, but they might have one about anger.
Posted by laurenb09[/QUOTE]

Cool. Thanks for the help, Sak. c:

I have not found one yet, that was another thing that I was nervous about. I will check the website, and I love doing research for some crazy reason, so I'll do some good checks and consults before I settle on giving someone like 150 a week. Hah.

I'll check out the CBT books as well. I have a lot of anxiety and depression, and I think that feeds my anger. A large part of the reason that I haven't gone so far is because I've done so much psychology work in college (it's my major) that I felt I could sort of self-diagnose and therefore do self help, but now I have realized it's much bigger than that and I am (very difficultly) admitted defeat and getting help for the sake of my sanity and my relationship.

Thanks again for the good things to think about!

CLoGreenEyes · May 2013

A list of things you want to work on/that concern you would definitely be a good starting point. In my experience, counselors generally start with a, "What brings you here?" kind of deal, so it's good to be able to articulate at least that much. From there, they will usually be able to ask better questions and give information.

Same for you and your BF. I don't know how pre-marital counseling works, but having a general idea of what works well for you both, what you both want to improve, and things you want to discuss can't ever hurt.

And if someone's approach doesn't seem to be working for you after some sessions, there is no shame in switching. I saw two counselors short-term during college. The first one was super nice and all, but he didn't say ANYTHING except for, "Wow, tell me more," and then relate meaningless anecdotes when I couldn't think of anything else to say. It didn't hurt his feelings when I started talking to someone else who was much more helpful to me - the new guy did a lot of journaling exercises, creative stuff, and let me reflect on certain topics between sessions so our conversations could be more directed and productive. Just think about what approaches might work for you and keep those in mind as you attend.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I started going to individual counseling last November but it was through a Christian counselor. He was referred to me by my Pastor and he was able to help me through all types of issues whether it was relational, emotional, financial, etc... I started off by filling out an application and answering some questions about why I'm seeking counseling. He didn't even ask me in person why I'm there, it really all just came out eventually. My counselor was extremely patient and on my first visit he sat me down and just told me to tell him about myself. After that he started asking more specific questions in regards to what I told him which eventually lead to talking about some of my issues. Sometimes it helps to just be upfront and say I'm angry or I'm sad about such and such and I don't know how to handle this.

I felt like my counselor could read my mind without me even saying anything. In my opinion giving as much detail as you can about an issue will help your counselor to direct solutions or methods of improving that are more specific to your situations.

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

Okay. So it sounds like having at least the reason that I want to be there will help quite a bit. I think letting them know 'I'm bitter about x, y, and z, and I believe it affects the way that I fight and argue. Even if it doesn't, I don't fight and argue productively and I harbor a lot of resentment towards others and myself.' Bam. Can't believe I just cranked that out.

As for couples counseling, I think I'll approach that in a similar manner - 'When we argue it takes a long time to make it productive, I blow up at everything and can't back away from a fight, and we want to make sure that we understand and accept the most important aspects of each other that are necessary to make a marriage work'.

Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to switch counselors if I don't jive with the first one (or the second). That's great knowledge to have. I guess I felt shame for a while of going to a counselor and therefore I should have been doing this a long, long time ago. I'm a prideful thing. Thanks for the reminder about insurance too. I have BCBS luckily so it's taken just about everywhere, but I really do need to find someplace with a low/zero copay. Like I said, shelling out 125 a week even for my mental health isn't an option to me right now.

thelamarrs · May 2013

I've been going to therapy for a while now and I can honestly say that you should be upfront and hoenst with your counselor from the beginning. Tell him/her that you're not sure where to start, what to say, etc.

I'm a super open book and felt no qualms about talking about what was on my mind from the start so that's where we started.

I found therapy incedibly cathartic, calming and helpful. I actually got diagnosed with ADHD, which I would have never thought I would have, and it changed school for me completely. Not to mention he helped me put a lot of things in perspective. He opened my eyes to problems I had thought I put to rest and helped me settle problems I never thought would be solved.

rel1988 · May 2013

It sounds like I am in a pretty similar situation to you. I was in a verbally abusive, unhealthy relationship for 7 years and 2 years later it is still hard to forget and get past things sometimes. FI is the complete opposite of my ex and he can't grasp someone treating another person the way I was so he doesn't understand. Where I struggle the most is in relationship arguments just like you. My way of coping however the is the opposite--I completely shut down, shut out everyone and try to run away from my problems.

Do you belong to a church? As part of our agreement to marry us, our Pastor requires us to attend "pre-marriage" couseling. I have found it to be exactly what I have needed. While I know Pastors aren't certified therapists he has really helped me tackle my issues. He started off the sessions by asking us to define love, what we provide for one another in the relationship, what we want to get out of the relationship, etc. He is very easy to talk to and has directed all of the sessions so we just follow his lead. Best of all, it's free as I couldn't afford $150 a week even if I wanted to! I don't know if this would be an option for you, but just wanted to throw it out as a suggestion. Best of luck!!

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Counseling:
[QUOTE]It sounds like I am in a pretty similar situation to you. I was in a verbally abusive, unhealthy relationship for 7 years and 2 years later it is still hard to forget and get past things sometimes. FI is the complete opposite of my ex and he can't grasp someone treating another person the way I was so he doesn't understand. Where I struggle the most is in relationship arguments just like you. My way of coping however the is the opposite--I completely shut down, shut out everyone and try to run away from my problems. Do you belong to a church? As part of our agreement to marry us, our Pastor requires us to attend "pre-marriage" couseling. I have found it to be exactly what I have needed. While I know Pastor's are certified therapists he has really helped me tackle my issues. Best of all, it's free as I couldn't afford $150 a week even if I wanted to! I don't know if this would be an option for you, but just wanted to throw it out as a suggestion. Best of luck!!
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

Sounds like we're in a similar boat, rel. I'm so used to having to fight tooth and nail with exH that that's still how I fight. BF tries to take it in stride, but we both know that we can't do this for the rest of our lives. It's to the point now that I know that even if BF and I split up, I cannot maintain a healthy relationship with anyone else, because of what that asshole has done to me (and I allowed him to do). So a lot of the individual therapy will work on that for me.

I went through pre-marital with the first H, and BF has gladly agreed to do couples counseling now, and then if we really need it, pre-marital (although we kind of consider this it). I just recently got back to being involved with my church because I had been away from home for so long, and BF just started going about a month ago. So while I absolutely can ask my pastor for suggestions, I still feel a little awkward (church had a pastor switch about a year ago while I was not living in this town, and I don't really know him). It surely can't hurt and I'd love to know his suggestions. Thanks again for mentioning!

GoldenPenguin · May 2013

Everyone has given you really good advice on how to start - I just wanted to add that going to a one-on-one counselor was the best thing I ever did for myself. I would not be CLOSE to the person I am now had I not gone to her.

Good luck

(and don't forget to fart.) :-)

rel1988 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Counseling:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Counseling : Sounds like we're in a similar boat, rel. I'm so used to having to fight tooth and nail with exH that that's still how I fight. BF tries to take it in stride, but we both know that we can't do this for the rest of our lives. It's to the point now that I know that even if BF and I split up, I cannot maintain a healthy relationship with anyone else, because of what that asshole has done to me (and I allowed him to do). So a lot of the individual therapy will work on that for me. I went through pre-marital with the first H, and BF has gladly agreed to do couples counseling now, and then if we really need it, pre-marital (although we kind of consider this it). I just recently got back to being involved with my church because I had been away from home for so long, and BF just started going about a month ago. So while I absolutely can ask my pastor for suggestions, I still feel a little awkward (church had a pastor switch about a year ago while I was not living in this town, and I don't really know him). It surely can't hurt and I'd love to know his suggestions. Thanks again for mentioning!
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

I didn't know what to expect from pre-marrital and I've never been to couples counseling but I imagine that are pretty much the same. We spend most of our time discussing communication, respect, love and intimacy. The only additional component is financial which is something that would relate more to a marriage, but otherwise I don't see any potential differences.

We started attending this church a year ago, right when our current Paster and his family came in. Throughout the year we have become pretty heavily involved in the church and religion now plays a much bigger roles in our life. It's interesting to hear you say you would rather know the Paster vs someone you're not as familiar with because I am the total opposite! When we started I was so nervous he was going to form opinions and decide he didn't like me anymore and I thought I would have felt more comfortable opening up to a stranger. I would definitely ask him for suggestions! There might even be a therapist or counselor who is a church member who you would have common ground with.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2013

I've never had couples counseling...just premarital "counseling".

For regular counseling, I usually just go in and tell them what problems I'm having. Take a session or two to give them the appropriate history. And take it from there.

Ironically, I'm starting counseling with a new counselor...in about 2 hours.

krispi921 · May 2013

I've done couples counseling with 2 past relationships. (Neither of those worked out, but in each case we waited until things were pretty bad already to being counseling.) The first session is usually a getting to know you meeting. From then, a lot of times the counselor will spend a session for each person getting to know each background. They may want to meet together or separately at times to address each individual's perspective. From there, the counselor can generally guide the sessions and what they want to focus on in each meeting.

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Counseling:
[QUOTE]I've done couples counseling with 2 past relationships. (Neither of those worked out, but in each case we waited until things were pretty bad already to being counseling.) The first session is usually a getting to know you meeting. From then, a lot of times the counselor will spend a session for each person getting to know each background. They may want to meet together or separately at times to address each individual's perspective. From there, the counselor can generally guide the sessions and what they want to focus on in each meeting.
Posted by krispi921[/QUOTE]

Hey excellent! Thanks for sharing your knowledge

Our relationship is not bad, and we really only feel like we need to learn how to fight better (okay, *I* need to learn how to fight better). BF also needs some individual counseling for past issues, but he doesn't have health insurance at the moment and so this is as close as we can get right now.

Thanks for the insight and the 'what to expect'.

kjtollefson · May 2013

I went to therapy about once a week for six months last year--anger, depression, and a mom who is totally borderline personality disorder (just google it, it's awful). I think EVERYONE could use some counseling as some point or another. I met with three therapists before I found "mine" (I found them through my company's EAP system) and we just clicked. I love her. I cannot stress enough how important it is to feel comfortable with a counselor. (Even though I'm not going anymore--I'm cured! Haha--I still meet with her every few months just to catch up and fine tune any issues I'm having, like being nervous for my boyfriend to move in this weekend) Before I met with her for my first real session, however, she emailed me some forms to fill out. These forms weren't "name, dob, insurance" etc etc, but asked me why I was there, what I was feeling (angry, depressed, guilty...) and it helped me formulate why I was really seeking out help. It made jumping into those awkward conversations so much easier to tackle because she had them in front of her and I didn't have to bring everything up on my own. If your future counselor doesn't send you something like that, it might be useful to find something like that online and give to him/her.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I didn't read the rest of the responses because I've got to jet off to my 10-hour training at work.

H and I have done a little couples counseling. our main issues stem from cultural differences and family conflicts, healthy boundaries, etc. mainly it's proactive counseling because we want to be in a great spot when we start popping out lots of babies.

basically, we did our counseling session with a counselor via Skype because she's located in MS. when I arranged the session, I kind of sent her a brief summary of what was going on and why we booked her session. when we started, she asked questions and we both came in with a list of what we wanted to touch on.

I thought it was expensive ($50 an hour, not covered by insurance) but not compared to $125 a week! we normally do 1-1.5 hours and we both love it.

I did try some individual counseling pre-PMDD diagnosis for anxiety, but it was awful. it wasn't with this lady that we talk to now, and it was just AWFUL. we really clicked with our counselor, and I think that makes a huge difference.

good luck!

kmbryant2413 · May 2013

Thank you both very much for your stories. You both made it very clear that I need to click with my counselor, which I did not do when I started counseling for my ED. I kept trying and trying, thinking I was just nervous and it would click, but I'm a very approachable person, and I get along with everyone. I can tell anyone a story, even my own terrible stories, to connect with them. With that lady I just was sweating the entire time, couldn't articulate words, and was made generally nervous.

So, this time, I'm absolutely not going to be afraid to turn some people down until I find the one that I need for my individual counseling. It would be pretty cool if BF and I settled on the same counselor for couples, but I'm not going to force that to happen. Coco - Our situations are pretty similar. I have some issues, and that's my need for individual counseling, but BF is totally on board for the 'proactive' counseling. IMO, it absolutely never hurts, since everyone has issues.

Thank you again ladies for your stories, I'll keep everyone updated with how I'm doing

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