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April 2013 Weddings

First fight as a married couple?

Has anyone had one yet?  We had a big fight last weekend.. it was just like any other fight before we were married.. I have been so tired lately and my stepdaughter is extremely messy.  I am just too tired to clean up her messes all day so I yelled at H about how it's time to make her clean up after herself (she is 10), or he can do it.  This did not go over well because we hadn't seen her in 3 weeks (we usually see her every weekend) and he did not want to have a confrontation with her when he missed her so much - he said I was picking on her.  These messes are not just dishes everywhere, it's like leaving dirty underwear in the bathroom on the floor, throwing towels over the underwear, wiping your nose and putting the kleenex on the ground, not washing hands after going to the bathroom, faking taking a shower... some nasty stuff.  I am not dealing with this crap being pregnant.  I do not need to pick up stuff like that.  After we fought about it, he talked to her.  She was fine for the rest of the day - hope it sticks.  If not, I will do it again.  She is too old to do stuff like that.  She has always been messy like this and H used to just clean up after her because he did not want to make her do "chores" at his house on the weekends.  Now, he just leaves her messes for me!  NO WAY!
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Re: First fight as a married couple?

  • vk2204vk2204 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    I do not blame you at all for being upset. People need to learn to pick up after themselves. I agree with Chi that your H needs to be the one to handle his daughter because you don't want her to be able to use anything against you.

    Maybe you and your H (if she goes back to being messy) can explain that the new baby is coming and everything needs to be super clean for reasons x, y, z... Hopefully that will spark something and get her excited to clean?

    My H is starting to get messy and I seriously want to kick him in the shin. Granted I am not a clean freak, my clothes are all over the bed in the spare room, but he leaves crap EVERYWHERE. Like wrappers, dirty plates on the counter - not in the sink. Stuff like that bothers me. His mom is a cleaning crazy lady and if something was left out after a day she would toss it so I might have to take that approach...
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  • vk2204vk2204 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Oh, as for fighting... we always do. That is just how we operate. I am a firm believer of saying how I feel no matter what it is. I am a very emotional person and if something upsets me I need to say something at that moment or it will weigh very heavily on me. But that works for us - get it all out and move on!
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  • I wouldn't say we really fight per se, but we're not afraid to disagree--and we do it a lot. Usually one of us compromises and it's over quickly, so it's no big thing. H got super drunk over cinco de mayo, however, and we got into a big argument. He gets really lovey/huggy/smothery/clingy/grabby when he's drunk, which I HATE. I hate it even more when I'm sober, too--which I was because I was the DD. He knows this, but when he gets to that point of drunkenness, there's no reasoning with him. So I basically told him to go away and sober up and he got upset because I was "being mean" to him.

    We've since worked it out, but I really did not enjoy talking down the angry drunken man afterwards.

    He gets drunk maybe 4x per year, so I'll keep him for now. Laughing
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  • We had a fight on cinco de mayo, but before that we had several disagreements. We didn't party or really do anything fun, we cleaned out my grandmother's house. I inherited her dining room table, chairs and hutch so H, some of his friends and I helped get it out. My aunt, uncle and dad want to sell the place so it's practically empty. I was really emotional because I have so many memories there. Then I was hit with another whammy when my parents told me they want all my things out of their house, now that I'm married and all. My mom wanted it out by the end of May. They also turned my room into a storage room for some furniture in my Nana's house. So I was super super emotional about my Nana's house and my old room, plus getting rid of my other grandmother's couches that have been with me always (she got them in 1976 and I inherited them when she died) that I just snapped at H when he said I wasn't helping out with anything. I later appologized for snapping and he appologized for kicking me when I was down. I do get too attached to things, but that's just who I am and it's one of the reasons he loves me, so we're good now.

  • edited May 2013
    Haha oh yah.. we've actually fought a lot. Not so great for a first month of marriage, but we lived together so long before that it's not that typical honeymoon stage right now. But half of it is because I've been working really hard to get so many things done aka: getting banks combined, insurance combined, get life insurance, get him in for a very much needed doctor appointment, my name change stuff... and everything requires his help. I can't do anything on my own because everything is in his name so I need his help to get me into everything. And he's been putting up such a fight, it's been like pulling teeth! I realize I've done a lot in a short time, but it will make it so much easier, and us saving money, in the long run. I wish he was someone who was just like, ok I know I need to do this, how can I help? But alas, he is not. Grr!!  Plus lately, he's been almost lecturing me in a rude tone occasionally in front of people.. when we are alone, who cares- but not in front of people! So that caused a fight and we are working on that.  I tell yah... drama lol

    As for your stepdaughter, oh she is way too old to be acting like that! It's a good thing your hubby is taking care of that, you don't want to become that mean stepmom. Hopefully she steps up, if not- just keep talking to him and having him talk to her! It'll be good for her!
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  • Thanks everyone!

    I agree 100% that I am not going to be the one getting on her about stuff because it is H's job.  My stepmom never overstepped any boundries with me, although I am sure she complained to my Dad and he took care of it.  That is the way it should be.  I am going to make sure H knows it's important and unacceptable for her to be dirty like this.  Even if I have to talk to him every single weekend about it.  Chi - she did hit puberty about 2 months ago, and that was the breaking point for the fight this weekend.  She did not wrap up her stuff properly and when I saw it, I got sick (being pregnant, everything makes me extra sick) so I told H it has to stop.  I felt bad having him talk to her about it because that probably embarassed her, but she also has a 17 year old brother that does not need to see that stuff.  That talk worked and she fixed that.  I am hoping for the best and I love your house rules thing.  I am very on board with that!  Great idea :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    110 Invited! image | 65 Have their dancing shoes ready! image | 35 Don't wanna dance. image | 10 Must still be looking for their dancing shoes! image
    RSVP Deadline: February 28th
  • edited May 2013
    I don't blame you at all either - a 10 year old is fully capable of cleaning up after herself.  I know my parents got divorced when I was like 5 or 6 and by 10 I was doing my own laundry and had a list of chores to earn my allowance.

    However, if a 10-year-old is, shouldn't my DH be?!?  We have gotten into one little tiff about him leaving dirty socks, undershirts, underwear, jeans, etc. along his side of bed when the effing laundry basket is FIVE FEET AWAY IN THE CLOSET!  UGH!  Stuff like that I just say that I can do the laundry that is in the basket, but I refuse to pick up after him like he is a child.  I'm his wife, not his mother.  

    The other big fight we had was a day or two after that NBA player came out as a gay man in professional sports, and ESPN put some religious nut on their SportCenter program that night who was talking about how this guy is living in sin and so on and so forth.  Now I'm not sure how you all feel (and don't want to turn this in to a debate) but I just commented on how it makes me sad for humanity that a man like that is famed and paid to say hurtful, hateful things about someone he doesn't know.  DH and I got into it basically because he said I'm hypocritical for judging the guy on TV for judging the NBA player.  That I'm being judgemental saying that he shouldn't feel that way, or at the very least if he does he should keep his opinion off TV.  Ugh, it did not go well and it definitely made me feel married.  Like I was SO angry he could defend this a-hole, but yet, I have to accept that we're not going to agree on everything and move on because I'm married to him for the rest of my life.  We talked about it later after we had both calmed down and DH said he doesn't agree with the guy either, but he was just making a point about how "you liberals can be so hypocritical too..."  I swear, discussing politics in our house shoud just not happen anymore!  We both get passionate about what we feel, and for him that results in heated discussions, which I take waaaaaay too personally.

    ETA: I closed my other account because my username had my maiden last name in it - this is "lamoeller" so you know I'm not just some creeper creeping on these boards :)
  • Glad you guys worked it out! We had our first today actually. He works with his father and his father scheduled a few jobs for tomorrow even though tomorrow we have our anatomy scan where we find out the gender and get to see all of baby's little details. Our phones are linked and I saw his Dad's hair appointment pop up on the reminders. With my hormones I immediately got upset and asked DH why it's okay for him to schedule work around his haircut but not the baby's biggest appointment. He took my question as disrespecting his father and got angry. We talked it a through and are good now, but whew!!.
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