Frustrated....with myself?

FutureMrsReyna · May 2013

So I've been on TK for a while..mostly lurking and commenting here and there..but I've finally gotten to my breaking(?) point.

Here's the deal...

My BF and I have been together for what will be 6 years the 27th of this month...we have lived together for about 4 of those years and have 2 children together. We lost our first child at 25 days due to him being 3 months premature...we got our own place together durring our second pregnancy because after what we went through the first time he didnt want to be away from me. we lost several loved ones throughout our time together, open heart surgery for my dad, and his mom who was recently diagnosed with cancer has moved in with us and our 3.5 year old because none of her other sons will deal with her crappy attitude....So when I say we've been through a lot...I really mean it.

Through all of this we have touched on the Marriage thing a hand full of times...I never felt that I needed to be married to have a good relationship or be a good mother. I always dreamed of getting married but was never really in a rush to do it...especially after everything that has happend in my life, I feel that there are bigger things to focus my energies on. But the older I get, I'll be 27 this month, and more of the people around me are getting married...I'm pretty envious. I hate it, or shall I say myself, for feeling this way.

The BF and I have a wonderful relationship and our little family is just fine...but I really am ready to go further. The few times we have talked about Marriage the BF is into it, he doesn't start to get weird about it...without being officially engaged, we came up with our guest list, color scheme and even started researching venues...I kinda ditched the whole effort because I felt I about to start planning a wedding that was really non-existant. BF never told me to stop or for that matter to continue. Should I just have continued and moved forward knowing that he would eventually have to pop the question to make it official? By me stopping did it send him the wrong message? I want so bad to talk with him but I dont want to sound whiney about it...I know he will have an honest conversation with me if I inititiated it, but I want it (engagement) to happen naturally. The BF is very the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" type, so I'm afraid that he's content with how things are and feels no push to take the plunge.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with us and our life but I just want it to be more than just BF/GF, I feel that we've earned more than that title and it just sounds very....childish to me. I never thought that I would feel this way about it and it bugs me.

Thoughts?

FutureMrsReyna · May 2013

P.S.

Thank you for taking the time to read my vent.

I apprecite it

Belle2188 · May 2013

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way that you do. Honestly though, you don't need a ring and a big proposal to be engaged (not that I'm saying you don't deserve one), and your second to last paragraph sounds a bit like you already are. I understand your wanting to wait for it to happen naturally, but I really think you need to initiate a discussion--it's possible that he thinks he can skip over that part because you've already begun planning together.

It doesn't sound at all like it's an issue of whether or not he wants to marry you, so just have an honest conversation about it and take it from there.

annmarie714 · May 2013

Sorry about your struggles. While not easy, life happens and I'm glad you are in a relationship with someone who is a partner and supportive to get through things together. It's not silly to want to make more of a commitment to one another, it's a natural evolution of some relationships (some people don't want to get married, so that's why I said "some relationships").

You both made the decision to get married...therefore, you're engaged. It doesn't take some big shindig and show of a "fairytale" proposal to be engaged. It also doesn't take a ring to be engaged. I would sit down with your FI and have a honest conversation with him. Talk about your relationship goals, timelines (not ultimatums, you're engaged so talk about a date that works for both of you), what you expect your wedding to be and what he expects it to be. Does he want a smaller ceremony, or a big fancy wedding complete with big church/reception hall and a party? What kind of wedding do you want? Do you both want to do a JoP? If you choose the JoP, you do NOT get a PPD after the fact. Plan a wedding you can afford and that is realistic to your lifestyle.

CLoGreenEyes · May 2013

I don't blame you for stopping planning until you have more clarity on the situation - I think that was a good move. It sounds like he is open to the idea of getting married, and he seems to be a great partner to you, so...RELAX.

I hear what you mean about wanting things to happen "naturally," but I think most of my friends' engagements/marriages grew out of one, or several, frank conversations about their futures with their SOs. We ladies dream of being surprised and never seeing a proposal coming, but now we have an awesome opportunity to actually play a hand in our future and be partners in deciding whom and how we will get married - to me, giving up some of the element of surprise is worth it. And in your case, where I think you are just trying to get a handle on his feelings about marriage and his idea of a timeline, I do not think you are pushing him into anything - you're just talking.

Your BF sounds a lot like mine. We place different amounts of importance on being married; he wants it eventually but is also very practical about it and wants to wait until x, y, and z are in place. The first time we talked about it was very eye-opening for me, and there have been many conversations since then. It was incredibly helpful to me to hear his perspective, get his honest ideas about what had to happen before we could get married (both of being out of school, and being able to buy a home), and understand his commitment to me regardless of whether he had put a ring on it yet. After letting his thoughts sink in (they were pretty foreign to a girl who wouldn't mind being penniless and married to the one she loves!), I have been able to accept his perspective and not work on him or being childish about it, as you seem to be worried about - I know where he stands and I trust him to make good on his end of the bargain, so to speak. All of this anecdote is really to say that talking about your future together is not only OK, but it is really important. It would be different to nag, but it sounds like you just need some answers to feel more at-ease.

AddieCake · May 2013

I am truly sorry for the loss of your baby and your other family health issues. I agree you should at least get clarity, but if you are planning a wedding, and he knows about it, you're engaged. You don't need a ring or fancy proposal for that to be true. My husband got tired of waiting on me to find THE ring so he could propose. So one day he just changed our FB statuses to engaged. That was my proposal, and I loved it. Best of luck!

Elle1036 · May 2013

AddieL73 said:

I am truly sorry for the loss of your baby and your other family health issues. I agree you should at least get clarity, but if you are planning a wedding, and he knows about it, you're engaged. You don't need a ring or fancy proposal for that to be true. My husband got tired of waiting on me to find THE ring so he could propose. So one day he just changed our FB statuses to engaged. That was my proposal, and I loved it. Best of luck!

While I agree that you don't need all of the ado to be engaged, I do think some kind of conversation and mutual agreement is necessary. OP clearly doesn't feel that she and her BF have established that yet. It bugs me a little when people say "you're already engaged" to others who clearly don't seem to think they are.

(Also, if my H had just put it out there that we were engaged without clearing it with me first, I would have been pretty pissed.)

OP, I get that you want to let happen naturally and not feel like you're forcing anything, but you also need to be comfortable voicing your feelings to your BF if you guys are going to have a successful marriage. I would just sit him down and say something like "so we've talked about marriage and our wedding a lot and I feel like we're on the same page about what we want, but I was hoping we could clarify things a little bit before we move forward. Are we definitely getting married? Are we engaged?"

loves2shop4shoes · May 2013

It sounds to me like your BF and you have a very fluid sort of relationship. You've been together 6 years and already have 2 kids!

Sounds like it's time for some concrete communication. If you want to get married, say so. If you want a formal ring and proposal before you start planning a wedding, say so. But don't get upset that he is going about things in an unconventional way (like he has your entire relationship!), especially since you have never told him you want otherwise.

Time for a concrete "I want X. And I want a formal proposal." Get to it!

tammym1001 · May 2013

My FI and I were together for 8 years before he proposed. We don't have children, but we do live together and in his mind we were going to be together forever anyways so he didn't see the point in "rushing" to get married (apparently 8 years is rushing in man land). Once I sat down and honestly told him why it was so important to me that we get married he said he understood and wanted to get married, but he wasn't quite ready yet. I felt better getting it all out there and knowing that my feelings were heard. 6 months later he proposed and I was still completely surprised. You can have that conversation and let him know where you stand, but still be surprised when he proposes. My FI told me he had been planning on asking me, but he wanted to find the perfect time. Once I told him how important it was he sped up the process.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

It sounds to me like your BF and you have a very fluid sort of relationship. You've been together 6 years and already have 2 kids!

Sounds like it's time for some concrete communication. If you want to get married, say so. If you want a formal ring and proposal before you start planning a wedding, say so. But don't get upset that he is going about things in an unconventional way (like he has your entire relationship!), especially since you have never told him you want otherwise.

Time for a concrete "I want X. And I want a formal proposal." Get to it!

Yup. Sometimes you just have to tell him what you want and how you want it. You need to get on the same page. Would you like to be formally engaged within the next 2 years? Say so! Married within the next 3-4? Say so! Communicating what you want won't ruin any surprise, it'll make sure you both understand what each other envisions for the future of your relationship. You'll only be whiney if you whine

Frustrated....with myself?

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