• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
May 2013 Weddings

I messed up with my mom (lots o text)

Okay, our wedding is in two weeks.  We are actually doing bachlorette festivities tonight and I feel like a shell.  
Basically, my mom called me Friday morning to inquire about some caterer things and I told  her she actually just emailed me and asked me to call her, so I will do that.  Next order of business. She the tells me that an uncle can in fact make it to our wedding.  He lives in the area, but we never see them on account of our busy schedules.  The usual stuff.  Then the excuse (which justifies it in her head): there was someone in the hospital for a while and they weren't sure if they were going to make it and oh now all of the sudden they can!  I'm thinking rsvp a yes, and if you don't end up coming, fine!  Just let us know, but we still have a seat for you if something changes.  Our per head is different because we are just doing hors d'oeuvres. 
I sigh, open the guest list in google docs, and add not just two, but three more people to our already overloaded list.  I must have just lost it. We are almost 15 people over what I wanted, I knew there would be a lot of people there, and it's the one thing that I am dreading over our day.  Faces I know(barely, or by associations), but FI does not.  My extended family are all passive aggressive and holding grudges or whatever, so we knew they wouldn't be coming out.  His family is on the east coast, and only 9 people are coming out, this includes his mom, dad, brother and sister.  We knew this and planned to invite our close friends, who have seen us at our best and worst, in the beginning and up to now.  I told her over and over this past year I want a small gathering, our friends and family.  "Okay, no problem, whatever you two want" was our reply.  
I've been on the phone 2 hours, dealing with this, then I go to work and lose my shit,  I love  my co workers, they have seen me through thick and thin, as most co workers do.  We go out back and I give them the gist of what is going on.  
More backstory- 
I even asked my mom for a list of addresses, as I don't have updated ones.  I told her I will invite family, and a very small select of *her* friends.  So be choosy!  No co workers, no random family friend that get an invite simply because they told her they hope they can come.  And then they want to bring their 25 year old children and oh can she bring her boyfriend.  Who are these people again?  I get the real answer, finally, that I come up in phone calls, as these things do.  "how are your kids?" "My daughter is engaged"  "That's great news, I hope we can come" then something my mom says which varies between "absolutely!" and "the more the merrier!".  Nothing like, "we'll see, she wants a more intimate..." I mean, anything along those lines.  
She wants to invite her co workers, who know me not because I'm her daughter and she's been working with them for the past 20 years, but because I worked in the same building for a year, over 10 years ago.  So that warrants an invite.  I look at the overflow and there are 16 people, two tables, full of people she invited.  She asked for extra invites- "I just need the card, to give to a few people" and I, in a moment of wanting to please, gave her no more than 8, one table.  So no rsvp cards, nothing.  This is my first mistake.  Not nipping it in the bud and shooting that down.  
When I brought this up to her, she asked, "well how many people are you and FI inviting?  Surely it's more than me.  "How many of his family are coming?" "I can count on one hand how many people I invited."  Um, make that two hands, and a foot, and an extra toe.  
Our rsvps were due in April 15.  We have a lot of out of town guests, so we sent out STDs in October.  Set up the website, and sent out the invites in January. Pretty much all of FI family who could not make it, sent an rsvp saying so.  THANKS! Is this so hard to do, extended passive family of mine?
Two weeks after rsvps are due, she lets me know, not asks, that one family friend wanted to bring their children, in their 20s. She okay'd them right on in.  "Just giving you a heads up!"  Then I get another text from her maybe a week after that, "your uncle is coming, and bringing your cousin, yay for family!  you are so loved!"  mmmf. Then a week after that, she now "asks" if family friend, who is bringing their adult kids, if the daughter could bring her boyfriend.  "I told them it was probably okay, but wanted to run it by you"
After every late rsvp notice, she would resolve, no more yes's, if they show up, we can't guarantee them a plate or a seat, but then someone else calls her (because she can't say no, and she's super proud) and asks or lets her know they are coming.  She cannot say no to anyone but her family- me, my brother, my dad.  Anyone outside of the family?  She's a yes man, bending over backwards, sure-come-on-it'll-be-fine!  I tell her, "this is freaking me out, we wanted a small wedding."  I don't even have the names for her extra friends, she just said, "just put 'The mama's'".  So there are 8 entries on the doc as this.  I tell her this, and that I would like the names.  Never got them.  
I mention to her, I can account everyone on this list, as family or our close friends, but yet, you have two table of friends, mostly family friends, but mostly yours.  I told her I regret not putting my foot down for making her pick a few select friends.  I told her I am seriously skeeving out on all these people who aren't specific to FI and I.  She accuses me of 'snubbing' her friends.  How their feelings would have gotten hurt had they not been invited.  "I talk to them about it all the time!  They want to go, they want to see you."
She always had an excuse to justify more people, and the late rsvps and extra last minute adds. She says about the food, "people are going to take one bite and not eat the rest of the night because they'll be dancing having fun with you!"  She even suggested that I invite my brother's old high school german teacher because I do her hair now and "it would be funny."  I bring this up a few months later to my brother's gf while I am doing her hair and she said "that's funny because he said she was invited and coming" Red flag.  What is she telling people that she isn't telling me?
I understand she is proud, excited.  But when I recite the list to my FI, he asks (genuinely), who are these? Are they family?  I thought we were doing our close friends and family?  Why does your mom want so many of her friends there?  We were kind of hoping she would hang out with FMIL, since she lives back east, and they only just met one time 2 years ago.  I tell her this, "She'll be so busy, though"
So I talk to my dad.  I am incoherent.  I tell him I feel like this is her wedding. I tell him I have half a mind to just take our officiant and marry us in the park, family only, and head back to the venue for the reception.  I have half a mind to tell her to dis-invite these "mama's" because while I know by association, I never got an rsvp, they are the overflow, she barely told me who specifically is coming (for table assignments, her idea, so we can seat her super conservative right wing friend with the family friend who wants to bring their family, too).  We have a website, you can rsvp there, other people have, not any of them.  I tell him (and he knows this) that she has no problem ever telling us 'no', but never to anyone else.  He asks if I can tell her this, I say yes.  He has a good delivery and I trust he will get the message across.  
And he does,  My phone blows up.  She really accuses me of inconsiderate snubbery and how rude I am and how upset they will be.  I tell her nothing has happened, this is only how I feel.  I tell her I've been telling her this from square one and I just got ignored.  She then texts me a few hours later and said she cancelled 4 people and to cancel her hair appt this coming Friday (the 17th, just a week before, no big deal said me never) and that she's done being humiliated. 
She comes to town for Race for the cure today and my brother basically mediated and explained to her why me feeling this way, and what FI and I want is completely acceptable and what she did was a little inconsiderate herself. She says she's not coming, family says don't be ridiculous.  She says if she does come she may as well "just be a guest". I am at a loss.  Went to yoga to try and mind it and I couldn't focus.  Heart chakrah was so emotional.  
Money info:
We are all paying for the wedding.  I am a broke hairdresser with the bacon bringing salary fiance.  I paid for the cake and officiant, he the photographer, rehearsal dinner, parents the venue, food and we all just bought decor stuff here and there (we've been engaged over a year.  Have a house, dogs, etc).  I got deals on most everyone and thing because I work weddings with either hair or photography (or both) or coordination assisting so I have my in with certain vendors.  I insisted we pay, have something waaaay smaller, and a reception just at a restaurant.  They would have none of it, threw down the 'only daughter' thing and went ahead and put down deposits (with no malice, it was all discussed, more insisting, etc).  She never threw any of this my way.  It's not the primary issue and as far as I know, she is not threatening to pull out or call anything off.  
I have a million apologies, and am waiting for her to answer my phone calls.  I don't know what to do, or say or what. I feel terrible, but not as bad as I did when I never said anything before.  I messed up big time.  Her MD gift will be on her door tomorrow (ordered it a while ago) and I just cringe.  
Thanks to whoever read all this.   

Re: I messed up with my mom (lots o text)

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards