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Family stuff vent

So, I'm pretty sad right now about some family stuff. I texted BF to let him know what's going on, but I don't want to keep him up talking, and I really wouldn't know what to say about it anyway. I just kind of want to put it out there and whine a little. So if anybody here is awake anyway, vibes, perspective, and/or distractions of any kind are welcome.

Both of my younger brothers are heroin addicts and have been for five or six years. The one has been doing well recently and has a job, is trying to save up for a reliable car, etc. The other, who has been living with me and my mom, is more volatile, and he is also a type I diabetic and does not take care of himself in that respect. He had been doing better with stuff like blood sugar checks, learning to drive, and job-hunting, but over the past week or two he has been acting very "use-y," for lack of a better word. Come to find out he has been doing crack, heroin, and everything else he can get his hands on. Although nothing of mine has gone missing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has stolen money or pawned something to pay for it, as that is how he has funded everything in the past.

I was in my bed doing a word search and starting to get drowsy when I found all of this out just a little while ago. My mom and her friend came up to his room and I could hear my mom crying, so I went out to see what was up, although I pretty much could figure it out from context. She is kicking him out, which is probably a very overdue course of action, so things are changing here.

I am just very sad, angry, and disappointed all at once. My other brother was kicked out when he turned 18, and so much shit went down after that - arrests, homelessness, etc. Now that this brother is 18 and newly out on his own, especially with the diabetes, I am really afraid for him. While anyone can see that he needs a kick in the ass, I just don't know if he will get the message before he ends up irreversibly hurting himself. I am also irrationally angry with the people he has used with; I have got to remember that these are all his choices and that he's not the cute little brother I grew up with and love and am quite close to. He decides for himself, and obviously the gravity of his decisions are totally lost on him.

So that's what's up. Thanks for reading what the new girl has on her mind. Hopefully I can sleep now after getting that off my chest.

Re: Family stuff vent

  • I really haven't got any advice, but I'm sending vibes and prayers your way!

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  • Oh I'm so so sorry honey.

    Addiction is a tough one to handle...especially when the addict is a beloved family member.  I myself have not dealt with severe drug addiction within my own family, so I am not the best person to give advice on this, but I'll tell you what I do know.

    1)  You can't save your brother.  Your brother has to save himself here.  And that helplessness has got to feel awful.  Al-Anon might really be worth it for you.

    2)  Enabling an addict is never a good plan.  If he is using, and has a history of theft when he uses, your mother was right for kicking him out.

    3)  The girls on this board are wonderful, loving, smart, and supportive.  We are here for each other through everything.  That's why I've stuck around for 3 years.  We're all glad to listen and give advice and hugs where we can.  We're here for you.

    My heart goes out to you.  I hope your brother will soon get the help that he so desperately needs.  <3
  • That is so tough OP.  Hugs.  I have no advice but I will be praying and thinking about you and your family.  
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

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  • I don't have any advice, but know I'm thinking about you and praying for you.
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  • I feel you, Ama. My parents had to kick my brother out when he was 19 for bringing home strange people in the middle of the night and the men would sneak into my room and the women were prostitutes. That was 8 years ago and a felony later, he's still homeless and out of touch with reality. 

    I know how hard it is to send him off into the unknown, but in the end, you can't do anything to "save him" or to make him see the error of his ways. He has to be the one that wants to change and improve his life. Hopefully he knows the story of your older brother and knows in his subconscious that recovery is possible. 

    In the mean time, the best you can do is pray for him or wish him well and be there when he's ready to pick up the pieces of his life. You're a great sister and daughter, so focus on your mom because this time is really rough for her. No parent likes to throw their own child on the street. Give her lots of hugs and encouragement. 
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  • *hugs* I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Loved one's addictions are always so difficult to deal with. I will second Shoes suggestion of going to Al-Anon. It can be extremely helpful.


  • I'm sorry. I recently discovered what it is like to feel totally helpless when it comes to a family member destroying their life, and it's awful. My situation is not nearly as serious as yours, but I can empathize a little bit. I wish there was something you could do, and I'm sure it's killing you that you can't do anything. It's okay to be angry.
  • I'm so sorry you have to go through this, sending you a big hug. I had a friend that I was really close with that used to smoke weed, then dabbled with cocaine and from there became addicted to weed that is soaked in formaldehyde. It makes you do crazy things and she was getting out of control.

    Finally everyone cut her off and I had to as well. It was the toughest decision I had to make because we were so close and I was really close with her daughter as well. But, I couldn't enable her, I couldn't be the one driving her to her spot to get drugs because if I got nailed by the police it'd be guilt by association.

    It got so bad, she intentionally neglected her daughter to the point that when she and her H had to go to family court she told the judge: "I'm a drug addict, I leave my kid at school, I neglect her, please let my H take her". The court awarded her H sole custody of their daughter with supervised visits.

    Today I don't really hear much about her. I know she had another kid with an addict that was living with her. It's a sad situation, but hopefully her life can turn around. It still hurts me abandoning her as a friend but it was for the best.

    I know it hurts to let someone you care about just float off into no-man's land especially if they have other health conditions as well. But, if you let your brother stay under your roof you're only telling him: "hey it's okay to be an addict we'll support you on that". I know what it's like to feel helpless but the addiction is a far bigger monster than anyone can tackle. Like the PP's suggested, if you guys need it, either Al-anon or therapy may help.

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  • I don't have any advice, but you and your family are in my thoughts.
  • I'm so sorry.  that is an awful situation.  :(  I don't have any advice, except that my H's step-father has been abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) for 24 years.  he sold H's SSN for drug money.  he disappears for months at a time, only to come back without any word.  we both wish that H's mom would quit enabling him and just leave him, but she thinks loving him will change it.  it's so hard to watch it all happen.  it's not my blood family, but I've had a small taste of what addiction can do to a family.  I really hope that your brother can sort his life out!
  • Awww, I knew there was a reason y'all are so awesome - several, actually! Thanks so much for the thoughts, stories, and kind words, everyone. It is incredibly hard to let go, but my mom and I were definitely doing him no favors by letting him stay here and take advantage of it. I love him like crazy and we have always been close, but this is definitely the best thing for him.

    I'm definitely going to check out Al-Anon - I have been meaning to go to a meeting for months but never made it a priority - and in the meantime just hope and pray that he'll learn to stand on his own two feet and get it together.

    Have a lovely Tuesday, ladies, and thanks a million <3
  • Hugs from me...you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers as well.  You can't force your brother to get better and, though it is scarey to watch someone you love fall, sometimes you have to find the inner strength to let them hit the bottom.  I pray he can come back to the top after he hits that bottom but you and your mom are doing the right thing by not enabling him.
  • RWS2011RWS2011 member
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    Hey Amapola, I am so sorry that you and your family are going through another difficult time.  It makes sense that you are more concerned for your younger brother given his health issues.  If you don't mind saying, what state do you live in?  PM if you don't want to post it.  I ask because while you can't save or fix him, there may be some nonprofits or social services you can access both for him and for your family as your mother takes this step to remove him from the home. 

    Also, don't feel bad about focusing on some self care/pampering.  When we take on heavy burdens, it is easy to let other things go.  Be good to yourself!  Lastly, I offer you all the hugs and vibes.
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  • I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I've never personally dealt with anyone with drug addiction but what you and your mother should do is Nar-Anon (<-- click it!) meetings! It's kind of like Al-Anon, which is for families of alcoholics, but for family members of users. :)

    My mom and I went to Al-Anon when I was younger and they helped a lot! Just remember that your brother has made his own life choices and that he needs to understand the consequences of his actions. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever need to chat! 
  • Amapola, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I have a lot of drug addiction in my family (mainly cousins, aunts, and uncles--I can't even imagine how hard it must be living with it in your own home and having it be your own brother), and I've seen a lot of my relatives get worse and a lot get better.  The one thing that seems pretty consistent is that none of them have gotten better without tough love, and without enduring terrible hardship.  In most of their cases, the best thing to happen to them was going to jail.  I know it sounds terrible, but it probably saved their lives.

    I truly believe that your mom did the right thing by kicking your brother out.  Hopefully he'll hit rock bottom and get the help he needs.

    Sending you hugs.  Try to stay strong.
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  • I'm so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through.  I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you and your mom and sending positive thoughts your way.  *hugs*
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