August 2013 Weddings

Asking a bridesmaids to not be in the wedding

I am in a huge bind with one of my bridesmaids. Keep in mind when I asked her back in November of 2012, she was nothing like she is now. For starters, she is going through a divorce (this is not the reason) and her soon to be ex and her are going at it big time. They cannot stand one another now. I haven't seen her since mid March and she lives about 10 minutes away from me. We use to see each other multiple times a week. Her husband and my fiance are good friends as well. While not seeing her sucks, this isn't a reason to kick her out I know. I understand people fall out of touch. However, when I did see her back in March, she was talking about how much she parties now, how she is seeing a bunch of different guys, and is just completely different now. She has children and is acting this way... All she wants to talk about is partying and how drunk she got, who she went home with, etc. This is not the person who I asked to be my bridesmaid. Then my fiance tells me a couple days ago that she got caught shoplifting. I asked how he found out, and he said that her ex husband told him. I immediately thought ok don't believe this, he may just be bitter and making things up. However, I looked in our local newspaper and sure enough I saw that sentencing in there. Plus she has been writing cold checks as well. I just don't feel right about having someone like that in my wedding party. But I have no clue what to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like there is no other way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

Re: Asking a bridesmaids to not be in the wedding

  • Are you prepared to end the friendship with this girl? Because kicking someone out of your bridal party (which is essentially what it is - it's not like you can "ask them to step down" and they can say no!) is a friendship ending move.

    It sounds like your friend is going through some major issues. She's getting divorced and she sounds like she's not handling it well at all. If this is your friend, why not trying to talk to her about how worried you are about her and what she's doing? Step away form the wedding for a few and focus on your friend's obvious problems before you rush to kick her out.
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  • I'd definitely try to talk to her about whats going on in her life. You seem to care about her, and I doubt you want to lose her as a friend for good. She must have some pretty dark stuff going on in her head to be acting out this way, especially when she has children to take care of.
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  • thecatmthecatm member
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    Yes, kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship ending move. Have you tried to reach out to her at all? I know that when I went through one of the worst breakups of my life years ago (We were engaged and had been together for 7 years) I was definitely in a dark place while trying to pull myself together again. I wasn't acting like myself by any means. She might just be lost and stumbling, maybe what she really needs is some support.

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  • thecatm said:

    Yes, kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship ending move. Have you tried to reach out to her at all? I know that when I went through one of the worst breakups of my life years ago (We were engaged and had been together for 7 years) I was definitely in a dark place while trying to pull myself together again. I wasn't acting like myself by any means. She might just be lost and stumbling, maybe what she really needs is some support.

    I completely agree with all of this.  Definitely talk to her to see how she's doing and if you can help her at all.  Once you remove her from the wedding you likely remove her from your life.
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