Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people

Erinlf22 · May 2013

My FI and I are paying for almost all of our wedding. Originally our guest list was 190 people. My family is 100, his 40, rest are friends. His mother now has 40 guests that she wants to add to the list (making 230) because she feels that since my side is so much larger she has that right. We had to limit our guests to aunts/uncles, cousins, no extended family beyond that since my family is so large. These 40 guests that she wants to invite are her friends, neighbors, and coworkers. She keeps saying that we shouldn't care because after they all give us a wedding present we won't loss any money inviting them.

I personally think she's being ridiculous, but Idk if I should just bite my tongue and invite them to avoid getting in an argument. We have a great relationship and have always gotten along. I should mention that his parents have agreed to pay for the DJ and rehearsal dinner, but we are paying for the rest.

OliveOilsMom · May 2013

In Response to Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are paying for almost all of our wedding. Originally our guest list was 190 people. My family is 100, his 40, rest are friends. His mother now has 40 guests that she wants to add to the list (making 230) because she feels that since my side is so much larger she has that right. We had to limit our guests to aunts/uncles, cousins, no extended family beyond that since my family is so large. These 40 guests that she wants to invite are her friends, neighbors, and coworkers. She keeps saying that we shouldn't care because after they all give us a wedding present we won't loss any money inviting them. I personally think she's being ridiculous, but Idk if I should just bite my tongue and invite them to avoid getting in an argument. We have a great relationship and have always gotten along. I should mention that his parents have agreed to pay for the DJ and rehearsal dinner, but we are paying for the rest.
Posted by Erinlf22[/QUOTE]

What does your FI think about these extra people? You need to discuss with him and decided together what to do. Then your FI tell his mother the results. You deal with your family and he deals with his. These extra people have no impact on the DJ and RD, so just because FILs are paying for those items, they don't get a say in the guest list.

ETA: quoted OP

cmacch · May 2013

Nope. You don't have any obligation to invite these people. If you want to preserve your relationship with her, have your FI talk to her. Have him tell her in no uncertain terms that there isn't enough room in your budget and you're not going to count on the POSSIBILITY of monetary gifts to make up for it. If she offers to pay for them to come that's another story, but you don't necessarily have to say yes to that either.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

You need to discuss this with your FI. Almost every single guest list for every wedding will be lopsided in some way so just because they don't have as much family does not give her the right to invite extra people.

Make sure you and FI are on the same page and then have FI talk to his Mom with your decision. Since you are paying for the majority of the wedding you should not feel obligated to includes those extra people. Also adding 40 people is a lot more expensive then if she asked to add 4 additional people.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are paying for almost all of our wedding. Originally our guest list was 190 people. My family is 100, his 40, rest are friends. His mother now has 40 guests that she wants to add to the list (making 230) because she feels that since my side is so much larger she has that right. We had to limit our guests to aunts/uncles, cousins, no extended family beyond that since my family is so large. These 40 guests that she wants to invite are her friends, neighbors, and coworkers. She keeps saying that we shouldn't care because after they all give us a wedding present we won't loss any money inviting them. I personally think she's being ridiculous, but Idk if I should just bite my tongue and invite them to avoid getting in an argument. We have a great relationship and have always gotten along. I should mention that his parents have agreed to pay for the DJ and rehearsal dinner, but we are paying for the rest.
Posted by Erinlf22[/QUOTE]

40 additional guests is a lot. Not only the additional costs for the caterer/bar fees, but that's probably 5-7 additional table rentals, 5-7 additional centerpieces, 40 more favors, 40 more chairs, etc. etc. etc.

Your "sides" don't need to be even. I would talk to your FI and approach FMIL with a united front and, assuming your FI is on board, tell her no.

MuppetFan · May 2013

If she's not paying, she doesn't get a say. It's silly that she's using the gift she's going to give you as rationale. Does she give you less if you invite less people? Why is she allocating her gift to your wedding for you?

Your sides don't need to be even, but it is way off. It's silly if the reason she is looking to invite these people is only to even it out and make her family seem more represented.

Your fiance, however, does get a say. What does he want? Does he care if the people coming are present?

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]If she's not paying, she doesn't get a say. It's silly that she's using the gift she's going to give you as rationale. Does she give you less if you invite less people? Why is she allocating her gift to your wedding for you? Your sides don't need to be even, but it is way off. It's silly if the reason she is looking to invite these people is only to even it out and make her family seem more represented. Your fiance, however, does get a say. What does he want? Does he care if the people coming are present?
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

I think she is saying the gifts that the extra GUESTS will give.

AddieCake · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : 40 additional guests is a lot. Not only the additional costs for the caterer/bar fees, but that's probably 5-7 additional table rentals, 5-7 additional centerpieces, 40 more favors, 40 more chairs, etc. etc. etc. Your "sides" don't need to be even. I would talk to your FI and approach FMIL with a united front and, assuming your FI is on board, tell her no.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]
This.

Erinlf22 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : 40 additional guests is a lot. Not only the additional costs for the caterer/bar fees, but that's probably 5-7 additional table rentals, 5-7 additional centerpieces, 40 more favors, 40 more chairs, etc. etc. etc. Your "sides" don't need to be even. I would talk to your FI and approach FMIL with a united front and, assuming your FI is on board, tell her no.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I completely agree, that's my thinking is that it's not just a plate- it's tables, centerpieces, tip, etc. My FI agrees that she's being ridiculous and he has tried to talk to her about it. However, I guess the biggest issue is that of those 40 people there are about 6-8 that he does think should be invited (like close neighbors he's known his entire life), but she says it's either all or none.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : I completely agree, that's my thinking is that it's not just a plate- it's tables, centerpieces, tip, etc. My FI agrees that she's being ridiculous and he has tried to talk to her about it. However, I guess the biggest issue is that of those 40 people there are about 6-8 that he does think should be invited (like close neighbors he's known his entire life), but she says it's either all or none.
Posted by Erinlf22[/QUOTE]

If she is putting her foot down, all or none. Then just say none. However, if he wants to invite the 6-8 people, he is able to do that without her permission.

banana468 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Motherinlaw inviting WAYY too many people:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Motherinlaw inviting WAYY too many people:In Response to Motherinlaw inviting WAYY too many people : 40 additional guests is a lot.nbsp; Not only the additional costs for the caterer/bar fees, but that's probablynbsp;57 additional table rentals, 57 additional centerpieces, 40 more favors, 40 more chairs, etc. etc. etc. Your "sides" don't need to be even.nbsp; I would talk to your FI and approach FMIL with a united front and, assuming your FI is on board, tell her no.Posted by cmgilpinI completely agree, that's my thinking is that it's not just a plate it's tables, centerpieces, tip, etc. My FI agrees that she's being ridiculous and he has tried to talk to her about it. However, I guess the biggest issue is that of those 40 people there are about 68 that he does think should be invited like close neighbors he's known his entire life, but she says it's either all or none. Posted by Erinlf22[/QUOTE] That's the beauty of you two hosting here. She doesn't get to play the ultimatum game. Your FI can say who us and isn't invited. She doesn't get to set the terms.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : If she is putting her foot down, all or none. Then just say none. However, if he wants to invite the 6-8 people, he is able to do that without her permission.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This. You FMIL is being ridiculous and childish. Do what makes the most sense to you and your FI. If she throws a fit she will just look silly.

hgminor · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : If she is putting her foot down, all or none. Then just say none. However, if he wants to invite the 6-8 people, he is able to do that without her permission.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This. List the ones he wants to invite under your friends column if it's really all or nothing.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Oh boy. I read that part wrong. Thanks for the clarification cmg. Guests don't have to bring you a gift and it probably won't cover their plate...and that defeats the point of it being a gift. She has no right to tell you how to apply their gift to you.

She's being ridiculous. If you and FI are on the same page...stay on that page with her. Definitely invite the 6-8 people he wants to invite. You don't need her permission.

ETA: ALSO, have FI communicate with her so you aren't the bad person

harper0813 · May 2013

Sides do not need to be even. In fact, she doesn't need to know how many guests each "side" is inviting. Just leave her out of that, because she will use it as ammo, unfortunately.

Like cmgilpin suggested so wisely, calculcate the per-guest cost. Then your fiance (not you) should talk to his mom about how much it would cost you to invite these additional 40 guests - total and per person. If you are willing to invite these guests if she pays for them, have him tell her that. Otherwise, unfortunately, your budget doesn't allow you to accomodate those guests.

Good luck!

allychase · May 2013

40 extra people would've meant close to 4000 at my venue. At 95 a head we did NOT get our "money back" with the gifts we received. The most frequent dollar amount from couples we received was anywhere from 100150. So if that's her logic it's highly unlikely, presumptuous and ridiculous that she's assuring you these guests will pay for their seat. As PP have suggested the beauty of you and your FI hosting is that you can do whaaaatever you want and invite whoever you want. If your FI wants to invite those 68 people then by all means do it. You don't need her permission. That's the best part of being an adult. I also don't see how her neighbors and coworkers are an "all or none" deal... ETA there should be dashes between the numbers I wrote.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Can you put your budget in writing to go over with her? Basically showing her that despite her contributions that this is what the different things cost & this is the final budget that you are working with and if she were to add all 40 people it would add xx amount to the expense. Explain how you decided on guests. Hopefully this will help her understand that you aren't picking on her choices and that you had people you wanted to invite too but couldn't.

In regards to getting wedding gifts, tell her that you don't want to count on any monetary gifts you might get because you can't count on people to give certain amounts so you would rather leave that money for other items in the future. You don't want to start your marriage off in debt due to your wedding.

At my wedding we had several couples give us $25, a few nothing and a few that were generous. I'm sharing this to show that you can't count on a certain amount per guest. People give what they can afford to give.

Jen4948 · May 2013

Well, the idea that guests "cover their plates" with their gifts is entitled, stupid, and flat-out wrong. And if one is not paying, one is not entitled to control over the guest list. Nor does one get more guests to "even out the sides."

I think your FI should tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry, but these people are not invited. The subject is closed."

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : I completely agree, that's my thinking is that it's not just a plate- it's tables, centerpieces, tip, etc. My FI agrees that she's being ridiculous and he has tried to talk to her about it. However, I guess the biggest issue is that of those 40 people there are about 6-8 that he does think should be invited (like close neighbors he's known his entire life), but she says it's either all or none.
Posted by Erinlf22[/QUOTE]

Then call her bluff. Say, 'OK, FMIL, you said all or none. We pick none. Discussion over."

Maybe I'm just having a bad week, but I'm totally in favor of calling bluffs and forcing people to confront the ridiculousness of their asseverations.

Jen4948 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people : Then call her bluff. Say, 'OK, FMIL, you said all or none. We pick none. Discussion over." Maybe I'm just having a bad week, but I'm totally in favor of calling bluffs and forcing people to confront the ridiculousness of their asseverations.
Posted by lemclane[/QUOTE]

This. You're not the only one having a bad week, lemclane.

Mother-in-law inviting WAYY too many people

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