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So this annoys me

avolker1avolker1 member
100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
in Chit Chat

What's with people assuming the groom doesn't help with the wedding planning?

We are both travelling to NJ the week before the wedding (we live in CA) so we can visit with family and friends and tie up any loose ends and just relax before the wedding.  So a good friend of mine asked if I want him coming with me to NJ that early, or if I want a few days to do things without him, i.e. wedding errands and whatnot.  I was actually offended by this; it makes it seem like he would just be a burden to me and that he has no part of this wedding.  A couple people also have said that I'm crazy to have a bachelorette party on the Thursday night before the wedding (wedding is on Saturday) because OMG what if something comes up and I'm not there to handle it??! I actually told FI about that sentiment and he was legitimately annoyed and hurt that people think he isn't equipped to deal with things.

And one more; we were at FI's parents' house for Mother's Day and his mom asked what FI will do for that whole week we are in NJ while I am doing wedding stuff.

Do people not realize that it takes two people to get married? And that FI isn't just along for the ride? It just irritates me.

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Re: So this annoys me

  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Not all grooms enjoy wedding planning. Not all brides enjoy wedding planning. Just like some brides DO enjoy it and some grooms DO enjoy it. I don't think there's anything wrong a bride and/or groom not wanting to do very much planning, which is where wedding planners can come in handy.

    It's a common assumption that the groom won't be very involved, though - but considering the ratio of women to men on here, I think that the assumption isn't completely nuts.

    My fiance doesn't want to plan much. I run things past him so he can say "yes" or "no" or "I don't care" - and it's working out just fine for us.

    When your FMIL comments on your fiance's involvement, just say, "Isn't it wonderful that he's so excited and is doing so-and-so? We can't wait to get married." 
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  • avolker1avolker1 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    zoberg said:
    Not all grooms enjoy wedding planning. Not all brides enjoy wedding planning. Just like some brides DO enjoy it and some grooms DO enjoy it. I don't think there's anything wrong a bride and/or groom not wanting to do very much planning, which is where wedding planners can come in handy.

    It's a common assumption that the groom won't be very involved, though - but considering the ratio of women to men on here, I think that the assumption isn't completely nuts.

    My fiance doesn't want to plan much. I run things past him so he can say "yes" or "no" or "I don't care" - and it's working out just fine for us.

    When your FMIL comments on your fiance's involvement, just say, "Isn't it wonderful that he's so excited and is doing so-and-so? We can't wait to get married." 

    True, I know in many cases it is the bride who wants to, and does most of the planning.  I will admit I've taken the lead on most of it, but I always get his input, and there are certain aspects he was very excited about like the music.  And I will need his help getting things together the week before.  I guess it's more of an irritation to me because people keep implying that he will just get in the way or is incapable of helping.  I hate when I'm told, "It's YOUR day" as if his opinion or preferences don't matter.  Overall, I've just been very surprised at the responses I've been hearing from people.  I told my friend that it's his wedding too and that what he wants matters just as much as what I want.
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I understand why that's frustrating, especially when you're being inundated with those types of comments. I've gotten the same comment from people but regarding bridesmaids - I keep being told (even by my bridesmaids) that it's MY day and I should make them do whatever I want and spend whatever money I want them to spend. I don't want to do that to them! I told them that they could wear whatever type or color of shoe that they wanted, and they didn't like that answer, so they got together and decided that they'd all pick up silver shoes.

    It seems like the wedding industry is starting to zombify some people.
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  • avolker1avolker1 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Yeah, that is frustrating.  It sounds like you're trying to be a very easy-going bride and they are expecting you to put them to work.  I can't stand all the stereotypes of what a wedding should be.  How about I just want to get married and celebrate with our family and friends and not be an a-hole?
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't think ppl are implying that your FI is incapable of planning or making a decision, I think it is more like most ppl assume the grooms want no greater involvement other than showing up for the ceremony on time.

    I actually ticked by FI off and offended him because I didn't include him in some of the early planning regarding ideas for floral arrangements, cake design, etc. I assumed he didn't give a fig about "design" crap. . .whoops! He atually has a very good sense of style and design, I was pleasantly surprised.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • avolker1avolker1 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary

    Yeah, you're probably right that people are just thinking the groom will be uninterested.  But the fact that people think he can't take a call from a vendor if I'm at my bachelorette party is ridiculous to me.

    It's funny because when we met with the florist, she kept directing all her questions at me or my mom, even about the boutineers (no idea how to spell that) and FI stepped in and goes "well I like this but not this and I like it this way", and I think the florist was pretty shocked.  Same thing happened while renting tuxes.  The sales woman and FI's dad kept asking what I wanted and I just kept repeating, you guys are the ones who have to wear it all day and night, it's up to you. 

    I'm guessing there are plenty of guys out there who are interested in the details but might not say much because they feel it's supposed to be a bride thing.  Like yours, my FI also has a great eye for design and especially colors.  He's the one who came up with the whole concept of our save the dates.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    People like to project their own experiences on other people.  Back in the day men pretty much did just show up at the church in an outfit picked out by his bride.    These were also the days were the bride's parents were paying, so the groom didn't have a say with their money.   

    Times change, people's views however take longer. 

    We also got married in NJ from OOT.  We also arrived a week early.  No one questioned us about the subject.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • avolker1avolker1 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    lyndausvi said:
    People like to project their own experiences on other people.  Back in the day men pretty much did just show up at the church in an outfit picked out by his bride.    These were also the days were the bride's parents were paying, so the groom didn't have a say with their money.   

    Times change, people's views however take longer. 

    We also got married in NJ from OOT.  We also arrived a week early.  No one questioned us about the subject.
    Nice to see another OOT NJ person.  I guess I shouldn't be that surprised since it's what many people expect.
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  • winelover123winelover123 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    My caterer/DOC was really surprised when we went in for our tasting and FI answered all of her questions - including what our wedding colors are. I was happy - it meant that I could eat without having to stop :-D I think quite a few grooms don't really get into wedding planning, so people automatically assume that no groom ever cares about planning.
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  • mellipangelmellipangel
    First Comment
    Honey, I totally concur. My fiance was very active in the planning of our wedding. Certainly not at the beginning, but I definitely made him get involved. It's a two part process, and at the end of the day he somewhat enjoyed it. It's all about the attitude! 

    Just have a nice chat, let him know how you feel and you'll be all good!
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