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Wedding Woes

Fiance hates my father

Lets start with a little background. My Father is a pastor, my fiance (we are getting married this Saturday) is an atheist. I am a Christian but not to the same extreme that my father is. My fiance hates my dad and the fact that he is constantly talking about religion. It's not even that my dad is constanly badgering him about not being a Christian so much as in my dad's life everything comes back to God so every story he tells, every anecdote he has involves his religion. My parents just flew in for the wedding yesterday and they have only spent a couple hours together since but my Fiance feels he needs to decompress after every meeting by telling me how much he dislikes my father. I agree that my father can be overbearing and that he insert religion into conversations where it is not invited. I have tried several times to stop him when I see this happening. The thing is I am not going to tell my dad he can't mention religion at all because it is who he is. If i were to do that I would likely sever the relationship completely for good. Unfortunately I don't know how to deal with my fiance concerning this. I try to empathize but its irritating that three days before the wedding with all the stress I already already have that every time I am alone with my fiance, or i ask him how he is doing all he wants to do is tell me how terrible my father is, that he is ridiculous etc. I love both of them and want them both to be part of my life, and although my father can be obnoxious it is well intentioned. I'v told my fiance to just sidestep the conversations if he is uncomfortable but he says he doesn't know what to do without blatantly telling my dad he thinks he's nuts. If anyone has any advice on how to enjoy the few days left before my wedding without alienating two of the most important people in my life please help!

Re: Fiance hates my father

  • I've never really had a situation like that happen before but I can try to give some advice. Maybe just talk to your fiancé and tell him that this is who your dad is and most of the things in his life do involve his religion. I would tell him to grin and bear it. I don't want to sound mean, but just explain to him that he is your father and he is who he is. Or, if you don't feel comfortable with that approach, talk politely to your dad. You know both of them best so I'm sure you'll figure it out. :-)
  • you realize that you're not going to be dealing with this for the next few days, you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your marriage/father's life, right?

    how has this not come up before now?

    does your dad know that you're marrying an atheist? not just a non-Christian, but someone who does not believe in God? 

    have you discussed how you will raise any children, in terms of religion? have you discussed the impact that Pastor Grandpa will have on this?

    People who are constantly referencing everything to their religious beliefs are obnoxious. Your father would drive me crazy, too. I can sympathize with your H. 

    I think that this is one situation that you need to extract yourself from. Your FI needs to determine how he can best deal with this - whether it is minimizing the amount of time he spends with your dad and just dealing the rest of the time, or getting into a theological debate with him at every opportunity - it's up to him, leave you out of it. If you think that your dad is being ridiculous, then you should tell him, and let him know that the constant religious talk is alienating people - you don't have to mention your H, specifically - a lot of people find that offputting. 



  • This isn't going to work.

    I mean, it's just not.  There's one thing about an atheist marrying a believer, but a believer with a minister for a father?  The ONLY way for this to work is for you to tell your dad to knock off religious talk around your husband.  While I think your husband is trying to be respectful by not telling your father to STFU (or worse, he sounds like a New Atheist, which might be pretty damn brutal on your dad, in all honesty), he's failing in not putting the pressure on you, either on accident or on purpose.  Since your soon-to-be husband is supposed to be your first family now, you need to keep the peace and DAD needs to not talk religion as much as HUSBAND needs to not talk about Crazy Damn Christians to dad OR you.  Neither one of them will succeed 100% of the time, but they should strive for around 85%.

    Also, DAD needs to realize not everyone wants to hear about his god, while HUSBAND needs to realize not everyone is sermonizing/coverting/witnessing when they talk about their god(s).

    As an atheist myself, in a very conservative Christian community, who's husband is also atheist to the incredible horror of his parents, I really have compassion for both of you.  But it's going to take both men not feeling so aggressive about their faith/non-faith territories with each other.
  • I really think that should be whose.  I'm halfway into a bottle of wine after running through, so at this point...no damn idea.
  • How does your dad feel about your husband?  Maybe dad is constantly talking about religion to your husband because he is very concerned about your marrying an atheist? 

    Have you and your husband agreed to raise your kids as atheists or Christians?

    If these arguments continue between your husband and father, how will you react if your husband eventually refuses to spend time or holidays with your family?

    I am concerned too for you that this marriage is not going to work.  I think differences in religion can eventually drive a wedge between a marriage.   
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    First off, I know many, many pastors.  Half of the time, they don't realize that they are turning the conversation to God - it just seems a natural response.  It is like I am with rabbits.  I love rabbits, I have been around them all my life, and I recognize that sometimes I talk about them too much.  If I ever came across a rabbit-hater, I'm sure I would drive them nuts, but I'm not trying to, and I definitely wouldn't be trying to make them love rabbits.  When something is an important part of your life, it naturally comes up in conversation.  That's just an example, but your FI needs to recognize that your father isn't doing this to anger him, he is doing it because religion is a part of who he is.

    But you say that religion is a part of what you are.  How long before your FI starts getting miffed at your for your daily devotional reading, or your going to church?  This is a red flag.  It is your FI that you need to be talking to, and you need to tell him and he might not respect yours and your father's beliefs, but if he respects the person he will deal with it without griping and let it go.

  • I find it strange that an atheist is marrying into a Christian family; headed by a pastor father. What does he expect a man that has devoted his life to preaching God's word to tall about?

    You need to sit down with Your FI and discuss all of the points the other posters have brought up. I am kind of giving the both of you a side eye for not discussing any of this before deciding to get married.

    Your Father probably feels like he can convert your fiance and that is why all his stories end with God. Pastors / Priests / Ministers, etc all have a common goal and that is to "save" people, I'm sure that is what your father is trying to do.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    your FI wants to tell your dad that Dad is nuts.

    Is dad nuts?  Is FI intolerant?  or is dad REALLY that annoying?

    At some point, whose side are you on?  (because, realistically, 'middle ground' is inherently shaky and eventually, siding in the middle sounds like it'll be 'siding with daddy')
  • Lyds85Lyds85 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I think your FI needs to get over it. No ones telling him to agree with your father, but that is your father and he knew yall were religious when he got involved. I would tell FI just let it go.
  • Your Father probably feels like he can convert your fiance and that is why all his stories end with God. Pastors / Priests / Ministers, etc all have a common goal and that is to "save" people, I'm sure that is what your father is trying to do.

    That's a pretty narrow minded, bigoted response
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  • How is it narrow minded? Do you really think a Pastor is okay with his daughter marrying a non-believer? How is that narrow minded or bigoted?

    I am not saying her Fiance needs to be saved.
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    they need to have more respect for one another's viewpoints IMO. if yo said your dad was anti-gay and you were in a same-sex relationship, would you see how his constant commenting on his anti-gay viewpoints could upset your partner?

     

    at the same time, he isn't spewing hate speech, so there is a big difference there. but also, your FI is marrying the daughter of a religious person. he'll need to expect some talk about religion every once in a while.

     

    i don;t know if it will work or not, but there is a huge lack of respect on everyone's parts, even yours. and you guys need to make time to realize this and work on it. this issue isn't going away.

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    there is also an insane amount of self-centeredness.  your father's talk about his beliefs isn't about your fi; it's about your father and what he believes.  your fi needs to get over himself.

    i also think it's dckish that your fi complains to you about your father. that's his problem to deal with, not yours. again, with the getting over himself.
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    you say you try to stop your dad from being pusy/inserting religion, when you notice it.

    Can you give an example? Both of him 'inserting' and of how you try to stop it?
    Does your dad recognize this as annoying and off-putting?
    Does he actually respect your attempts to make him knock it off?

    Because what I'm visualizing is putting me on "wow, her dad must be really obnoxious and pushy" alert, while other people seem to be on 'wow, FI is trying to be center of the world" alert.

  • How is it narrow minded? Do you really think a Pastor is okay with his daughter marrying a non-believer? How is that narrow minded or bigoted?

    I am not saying her Fiance needs to be saved.

    The narrow minded was the stereotype that all pastors are just itching to get everyone saved, like they get a pink Cadillac gift for so many souls to Jesus. Trust me, there are plenty of pastors that are content for loving and respecting individuals exactly as they are.

    And this from the agnostic that married the PK.

    Whether this pastor is so wholly in Godlove, it doesn't occur to him otherwise, he's in the active "save" mode, or there's some goading/intolerance going on both ways, it's not like we really know what's going on conversation wise

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  • I agree with Zilla. There needs to be more respect with each other. This is going to take a lot of work on both their parts to make an effort to get along.

     

     

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  • Maybe your FI needs to talk more about his atheism.
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  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    i agree that your FI should stop complaining to you. unless your dad is being disrespectful to your FI, then i think Fi needs to grow a little bit of a thicker skin.

     

    i hate to say it, but we all deal with elders in different ways. some people just have their beliefs and no matter what you say, that is who they are. we just accept it. so like i said, unless your dad is purposefully being hurtful, or the things he says is offensive, then FI might need to chill out a bit.

     

    again, with that said, i do agree that your FI needs to talk about his atheism more.

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    OMG NO.  is there anything worse than an atheist who loves to talk about how atheist he is and how little he believes in good?

    maybe a newly converted vegan.
    Wzz said:

    again, with that said, i do agree that your FI needs to talk about his atheism more.


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  • hmonkey said:
    OMG NO.  is there anything worse than an atheist who loves to talk about how atheist he is and how little he believes in good?

    maybe a newly converted vegan.
    Wzz said:

    again, with that said, i do agree that your FI needs to talk about his atheism more.


    Yes.  A pastor who talks about his god all the time.

    You're right, though - all three are people I wouldn't invite to dinner.
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  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    well, if dad wants to talk religion, why not get involved with a different viewpoint?
  • I don't get why the religious viewpoint, once again, is the one to be coddled and protected.  Both of them have viewpoints that are deeply personal and should be respected.  If they can't have equal conversations about it (and from what OP said, I don't think that can happen on either man's part), they need to not converse about it.  That is respect and compromise, not one person's viewpoint getting to "win" while everyone else shuts the hell up.

    I don't speak to my father about my religious or political viewpoints, b/c we don't agree at all.  It's not hard to find other things to talk about.

  • VarunaTT said:

    I don't get why the religious viewpoint, once again, is the one to be coddled and protected.  Both of them have viewpoints that are deeply personal and should be respected.  If they can't have equal conversations about it (and from what OP said, I don't think that can happen on either man's part), they need to not converse about it.  That is respect and compromise, not one person's viewpoint getting to "win" while everyone else shuts the hell up.


    This needs to be embroidered on a sampler and hung on the wall.
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    VarunaTT said:  I don't get why the religious viewpoint, once again, is the one to be coddled and protected.  Both of them have viewpoints that are deeply personal and should be respected.  If they can't have equal conversations about it (and from what OP said, I don't think that can happen on either man's part), they need to not converse about it.  That is respect and compromise, not one person's viewpoint getting to "win" while everyone else shuts the hell up.

    Well the thing is though, that not only is this OP's father's religion, it is also his job.  I don't know if he is doing this on purpose because the FI is an atheist, or just because it is something that is always on his mind.  It just doesn't sound like FI is respecting the fact that this is a pastor - does he really expect a pastor to never bring up his religion?  I'm not coddling the Christian viewpoint, I just am seeing the FI as being a bit silly for getting angry at a pastor for bringing up religion. 

    However, if the father is indeed bringing up religion with an ulterior motive to change the FI's mind about being an atheist, then yes, I agree that he shouldn't be trying to change his future son-in-law, but that is something that OP will only know if she has a talk with her father about this. 



  • VarunaTT said:

    I don't get why the religious viewpoint, once again, is the one to be coddled and protected.  Both of them have viewpoints that are deeply personal and should be respected.  If they can't have equal conversations about it (and from what OP said, I don't think that can happen on either man's part), they need to not converse about it.  That is respect and compromise, not one person's viewpoint getting to "win" while everyone else shuts the hell up.

    I don't speak to my father about my religious or political viewpoints, b/c we don't agree at all.  It's not hard to find other things to talk about.

    Is your father a pastor? If not, the situations are not comparable.

    The topic creators Father is not just religious, he is a person that has devoted his life to spreading his God's word. If her father has always invoked God in everything he does, why should he have to stop?

    I find overly religious people to be highly annoying and often to be obnoxious and hypocritical. Especially Christians, they act like they have the moral high ground in any conversation they have, especially when they preface hateful comments with "I'm a Christian" that usually lead to shaming gay and or atheist people. But I would not marry into a family that was headed by a Pastor.

    Her FI is, and he should learn to deal with it. Her father isn't going to change and he shouldn't have to.

  • No, my father isn't a pastor.  However, I am an atheist, an out spoken one, who lives in a community that is highly homogenized majority Christian.  I've got some experience dealing with this issue.  I also don't have to qualify my damn opinion.

    People have all sorts of things that are deeply personal to them:  their faith, their culture, their gender, their experiences, etc.  There are some that are offensive to other people (I wouldn't sit quietly while someone told a racist joke, for example).  For the sake of harmony, sometimes both people need to just shut their damn mouths about it.  If neither one is speaking up about the offending subject, no one feels the need to defend it.  You disagree, you respect each other and love each other in spite of disagreeing and you continue the relationship.  That's what adults are supposed to do. 

    A pastor can talk about work w/out having to quote Scripture or tell his god stories, I know this for a fact.  My BFF is about to join seminary and we manage our relationship, albiet with a bump or two sometimes, just fine.

    And the things you're attribriting to christians is really just annoying and small minded of you.  I suggest reading Faitheist if you're interested in broadening your horizons at all.

  • VarunaTT said:

    I find overly religious people to be highly annoying and often to be obnoxious and hypocritical. Especially Christians, they act like they have the moral high ground in any conversation they have, especially when they preface hateful comments with "I'm a Christian" that usually lead to shaming gay and or atheist people.

    No, not prejudiced at all
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    as a liberal who married a conservative, i am team varunatt on this. even when dh worked in politics, he could tell me about his day without saying things like "... and that's why poor people suck."
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  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    dad sounds insufferable with all the religion talk all the time, if you ask me.

     

    andplusalso, it sounds more like she wants to respect her dad because he is her father, not for any other real reason. lame.

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