If you want to elope, please do not cave to other's pressure. Now I have cold feet.

Louddog · May 2013

Hi all,

Got engaged Jan 2013.

I have never wanted a wedding.

Begged to elope to avoid the stress of wedding planning and facing my abusive and very dysfunctional family

Then tried to bargain for a destination wedding or just a small ceremony (30 people + photographer) followed by a lunch. No attendants, band, cake, etc.

Got sandwich pressured by fiance and parents into having a big wedding 5 months later - June 2013.
(I caved because I wanted to make my fiance happy and I my dad, who had cancer, wanted so bad to walk me down the aisle. I thought having all his family and friends there would be a nice last goodbye for him.)

Which is located in my hometown 500 miles away from where I live and that I'm having to plan

With one recently dead father (March 2013)

And one narcissistic motherzilla with congestive heart failure and newly developed afib (who's health is really not well enough to plan this wedding either)

With all family-member bridesmaids I really don't know (but my mother wanted in the wedding and I didn't have anyone else to ask)

None of my few close friends that can attend (due to work schedule, kids, can't afford the travel costs).

For my mother this wedding-planning has been a distraction from my dad's death. For me it has been a constant reminder!

I've repeatedly expressed my disgust and unhappiness about this wedding to my fiance and mother, but they wouldn't listen

I expressed it repeatedly again before the invitations were sent out

I am now miserable and crying daily.

I will be walking myself down the aisle and will feel very sad that entire wedding weekend.

I hate being the center of attention - especially around certain toxic family members. I'd rather be totally invisible
.
If I start to emotionally crumble, there will be nowhere to hide in my big fluffy white dress and big reception room.

I want to marry my fiance but I am DREADING this entire wedding weekend. Actually the entire week leading up to the wedding too.

I want out and am disappointed in myself for not beeing strong enough to stand up to pressure to have this wedding - after my dad died

I've become a serious candidate for a runaway bride.

And if I cancel at this point, I fear my fiance will end our relationship

And now the seeds of resentment towards my fiance have begun.

I resent him for insisting on this wedding despite his knowing about all the severe abuse and family feuds by my older siblings, how it lead to my father's death, and how traumatic this has been for me. I resent that he wouldn't compromise to a small ceramony and lunch. I resent him for pressuring me to have the wedding by June (giving me only a few months to plan it) so that his sister (who's family vacations in Panama from mid-June to mid-August) would not incur the expense of an extra international flight. I resent that I consequently spent January racing around looking for a church, venue, dress, etc, to accommodate his early June wedding demand instead of spending that precious little time left with my dad. I resent that immediately after my father died in March, he was pressuring me to continue forward with this June wedding....and I don't like my future MIL said "now that you dad is out of the way, we can get on with this wedding." I resent him for not truly listening to me. I am wondering if he prioritizes his family's wants over my emotional health and if that is how it will be when we are married.

I feel like a prisoner in my own wedding. Or an enslaved circus performer. This wedding has been so incredibly emotionally painful for me.

Please don't make the same mistake as me.

VarunaTT · May 2013

I can't read all of this. But all I can tell you to do is run. You never stand up for yourself, you let other people dictate your feelings/emotions/thoughts/actions and you've found an enabler FI.

Girl. Run to a big city. Find a new job. Find a new life. Get some therapy to not ruin new life. Run.

dharmabunny · May 2013

You're been clotheslined between abusive narcisstic mother, a shamelessly narcissist FI that does what he wants with absolutely no regard for you, and throw in the cancer card to boot for extra manipulation potential.

That is not marriage. That is not even a healthy relationship worth hanging onto. This is appeasement. You've probably been raised with that. You realize this isn't normal family function, right?

Your subconscious screaming at you. I highly recommend paying attention and run now, hit the life reset button, ditch the baggage (and FI is one ugly Samsonite), get some therapy for how to have a healthy relationship, find you.

Louddog · May 2013

Who is my fiance enabling?

You are right that got myself in this situation by not standing up for myself, but it is not true that I "never" stand up for myself. I have been to therapy and I have stood up for myself a lot in my family. If my father hadn't of been terminal and died, my actions would have been different. I was still in shock days after my father's death and I should not have been making wedding decisions. A huge source of my pain regarding this wedding is his very recent death.

VarunaTT · May 2013

He's enabling your behavior, which is to not stand up for yourself and let other people tell you what you should do. You belittle your own desires and wants to what the people around you, tell you they want. WHY are you having a wedding that is the antithesis of what YOU want and is not even the compromise version you threw out?

B/c that's what you do. And you found an FI who will help you keep doing that.

Louddog · May 2013

What I am say is that if my father had been healthy, I would have not agreed to a big wedding or a 5 month engagement!

When he was terminal but still alive, I was more open to a wedding because it was one last special occasion to share with him before he died. The positives outweighed the negatives. I did not like that my fiance increase the stress by pushing for a June wedding date, but I acquiesced because I wasn't sure of how much longer my father would live

But now that he's dead, it just created way more negatives for a wedding. At his funeral, I was still in a numb shock. I was pressed to make a wedding decision before I experienced how painful the mourning process was going to be. Yes, it concerns me that my fiance has not been more accepting of how much this is hurting me. I've wondered if he just doesn't understand because he's never experienced the loss of a parent. Or if there is a problem here. It also bothers me that when I have repeatedly expressed my hurt to him, he will apologize but then seems annoyed or angry with me for not being excited about this wedding.

keochan · May 2013

From what you've posted, there is a big problem here. I, personally, would run, far and fast.

kerbohl · May 2013

You need to postpone. If your FI gets angry, point out how insensitive he is being. You lost your father - this is a big deal and you need to mourn. What difference should it make for your FI if you get married in June or in October, or even next year? You need to take time out for you, to heal. Your mental well-being is more important, and this wedding is making you miserable because it is a reminder that your father isn't there. Weddings should make you happy, and it still can, but getting married so soon after his death is too much for you. FI and his mother should step back and recognize this.

Djinxs · May 2013

We had a two year long engagement just because we moved cities and changed jobs! If someone close to us had died... we definitely would have postponed. There's no need to have such a short engagement if you don't feel it's what you want or need.

Secondly, you need to sit down and look at this wedding and say to yourself 'why am I having this big wedding?' If the answer (now) is that you're only doing it for your FI's sister's travel plans and pushy people in your life, take a minute to reevaluate. You say that all you can see for your wedding weekend is misery and reminders of your father. It's time to stand up for yourself now and say no. Talk (calmly) with your FI and explain that it's just too painful right now to do the full-blown huge wedding thing. Even if the invites have gone out, send a follow-up card saying that it's had to be postponed. People will understand.

If he gets mad or doesn't understand that you don't want to look back on your wedding day, the day you two start a new life together, as a day of misery and grief then you need to take a hard look at whether or not that's the sort of person you want to spend your life with. Because it's most likely never going to change.

Also, I'm really sorry about your dad. Hang in there!

Lyds85 · May 2013

I think you should postpone. Give yourself time to figure things out.

lizybeff · May 2013

Postpone the wedding. Nothing good will come of rushing it. And the resentment you feel towards your fiance is serious, I doubt that will just go away.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

If your FI wanted this wedding, why isn't HE the one planning it and dealing with your douchebag mother?

I think you should dump him, too.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

Ditto PPs. Run. Run far away, run fast. Get away from your mother, your FI, your FMIL, everyone. This man doesn't love you -- if he did, he wouldn't be putting you through this. What's next? You have to schedule the conception and delivery of your children to work around his family's schedule? No. He's not worth it, he's not worth you. Leave him. Or give him an ultimatum -- a wedding on YOUR terms, not his, or you leave.

Lyds85 · May 2013

Only you truly know your situation and what is best for you. I'm not sure if leaving him is the right answer but one thing is certain: You need to give yourself time and space to figure this out. DO NOT go through with this as is!

Englishteacher26 · May 2013

This isn't a good situation. You need to run before it is too late. If your fiancé truly understood how you felt, he wouldn't have let your family coerce you into this and he would've just eloped with you. I'm not saying he doesn't love you or doesn't care about you, because you are the only person who can truly judge that, but, this doesn't sound healthy.

If you want to elope, please do not cave to other's pressure. Now I have cold feet.

Re: If you want to elope, please do not cave to other's pressure. Now I have cold feet.

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