How to politely tell someone they can't bring their uninvited teen...

mattileep · May 2013

This is part two of am ongoing drama (see original post here: http://forums-beta.theknot.com/discussion/973298/friends-of-in-laws-who-aren-t-our-friends-at-all)

The new gist is this, MIL's best friend and friend's hubby were/are invited to the wedding. The best friend can't make it because she and her daughter are going to a family reunion, but indicated (via a facebook message to me!) that (quote) "my husband and son aren't going to the reunion." - which I guess translates to mean: husband and son expect to attend the wedding.

Problem - the groom and I were NEVER planning on inviting these people's teenaged kids. We don't know their kids and what we do know about them, we don't like or want at our wedding.

How do I now respond and tell them that the husband can come but not the 19 year old son? And remember - this is the husband of my MIL's best friend - so I've got to handle this well. And I need to be crystal clear since they already have a reputation of being "crashers" *see original post.

hordol · May 2013

Was the facebook message technically an RSVP? Or are you still waiting on a card to be mailed? I would wait and see if they ever mail back the card, and if they don't mail it by the due date I would call a few days later to see what their plans are. I would make sure on the phone you say the names of the husband and wife you are inquiring about (even though she already told you no in FB message, i would still ask if you didn't get an official RSVP back) and don't mention anything about the teenagers. If they say "So and so can't come, so my son and I will be coming" I would just say that you are glad he can make it but the invitation was meant for the husband and wife and that you hope he (or she) understands.

Was this someone that your MIL insisted on inviting or would they have been on your guest list without her input? Some might disagree with this, but I say if they are on the guest list because your MIL requested them, I would have your FI ask her to talk to them about it.

ETA: Ultimately, I agree with the poster below--if I were in your shoes and it wasn't a financial or spacial burden, I would let him come. I doubt one single 19 year old is going to cause trouble by himself. But you do have the right to invite (and not invite) whomever you want so if it is important to you not to have him there, hopefully my advice is helpful.

KDM323 · May 2013

For me it would be easy - we are having an adults only wedding and reception. Not a single child is invited...so therefore, I would follow etiquette and send a proper invitation to the Mr & Mrs of the house. If the RSVP comes back with additional people, I'd call them and explain that there must be some misunderstanding and you apologize and hope that you'll still see Mr. there but kiddo wasn't invited.

And then I'd inform MIL that you had that conversation with her friend.

As an extra precaution, I'd inform your day of coordinator to keep an eye out for the potential of an underage guest arriving...and if for some reason the Mr. does bring the kid, I'd have your day of coordinator let the bar staff know that he is underage and should not be served.

You can't really control these type of people....they're going to be "klassy" no matter what you do. All you can do is follow the proper etiquette and make sure that their misbehavior doesn't reflect poorly on you, cause your venue any legal hassles and try to minimize the impact on your other guests.

Jen4948 · May 2013

Your FI needs to deliver the message, but the message should be that "Sorry, but there seems to be a misunderstanding. Only Mr. and Mrs. Friend were invited-not their son. Unfortunately, we aren't going to be able to accommodate him." No reasons why given.

kerbohl · May 2013

If they make it awkward because the son isn't invited, it is their own fault, not OP's. If the son wasn't on the guest list before, why put him on now just because his mother is acting weird? The invite is for the husband and wife - stick to that, and I don't see why it should be an issue. Yes, these people sound incredibly obnoxious, but they should be able to recognize that not everyone in a family unit gets invited to weddings, so the invite was never extended towards the son, even if the mother can't attend.

lyndausvi · May 2013

scribe95 said:

I assume you counted on two adults and you're getting two adults. I guess I don't understand the big deal. Especially if it's delicate this just wouldn't be a battle that is worth it to me. Maybe the father felt weird coming by himself and wanted a wingman. Sounds fine to me.

this.

I also do not see a 19 year-old-boy dying to go to a wedding of his parent's friends. It might be a non-issue anyway.

Kate61487 · May 2013

Hopefully he'll have other plans on how to spend his 20th birthday and this won't be an issue.

If they do reply with the husband and the son I would have FI call them up (sounds like you can't count on MIL to do it) and say "we're looking forward to hosting you Mr. A. Unfortunately we won't be able to accommodate John" This can be a tricky situation b/c they might push back that it's two butts in two seats regardless. Are you having any under 21 guests? if not that's a GREAT reason to give. If you are having other kids perhaps you can spin it that you're not having other parents' friends' kids, so it would be unfair to your other guests whose children were also excluded. (I would avoid giving any reason - since you don't need to defend yourself - unless they really push you for it)

jemmini6 · May 2013

mattileep said:

This is part two of am ongoing drama (see original post here: http://forums-beta.theknot.com/discussion/973298/friends-of-in-laws-who-aren-t-our-friends-at-all)

The new gist is this, MIL's best friend and friend's hubby were/are invited to the wedding. The best friend can't make it because she and her daughter are going to a family reunion, but indicated (via a facebook message to me!) that (quote) "my husband and son aren't going to the reunion." - which I guess translates to mean: husband and son expect to attend the wedding.

Problem - the groom and I were NEVER planning on inviting these people's teenaged kids. We don't know their kids and what we do know about them, we don't like or want at our wedding.
How do I now respond and tell them that the husband can come but not the 19 year old son? And remember - this is the husband of my MIL's best friend - so I've got to handle this well. And I need to be crystal clear since they already have a reputation of being "crashers" *see original post.

As of now, it seems like you don't know exactly what they mean by that. I'd send the invite as you normally would have and wait until you get their RSVP to see if they are intending to attend with the son or not. If not, then it's a non-issue. If yes, then you can call and explain that the invite was only for the adults and unfortunately you can't accommodate the son.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

drexelkathy said:

As an extra precaution, I'd inform your day of coordinator to keep an eye out for the potential of an underage guest arriving...

The son is 19. . . he's not a child or under-aged. He's an adult. He still might not be invited, but he's an adult, lol.

keochan · May 2013

cmsciulli said:

drexelkathy said:

As an extra precaution, I'd inform your day of coordinator to keep an eye out for the potential of an underage guest arriving...

The son is 19. . . he's not a child or under-aged. He's an adult. He still might not be invited, but he's an adult, lol.

They mean in regards to the bar, which was an issue the OP brought up in her previous thread

LavenderHoneyBee · May 2013

Honestly - is this random 19 yr old going to ruin your wedding? No. You won't even notice. It looks like the family really wants to support you, and the husband doesn't want to come alone. I think you should just suck it up (it's not like they added extre people to the reservation, they are swapping one for one).

It's not ideal, but I think you should be gracious and let this one go. It won't be worth the drama.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

keochan said:

cmsciulli said:

drexelkathy said:

As an extra precaution, I'd inform your day of coordinator to keep an eye out for the potential of an underage guest arriving...

The son is 19. . . he's not a child or under-aged. He's an adult. He still might not be invited, but he's an adult, lol.

They mean in regards to the bar, which was an issue the OP brought up in her previous thread

AH, gotcha. Then yes, warn your site coordinator so he/she can give the bartenders a heads up.

AddieCake · May 2013

scribe95 said:

I assume you counted on two adults and you're getting two adults. I guess I don't understand the big deal. Especially if it's delicate this just wouldn't be a battle that is worth it to me. Maybe the father felt weird coming by himself and wanted a wingman. Sounds fine to me.

This. It seems like a lot of drama over no big deal.

phira · May 2013

On the one hand, at least this "best friend" won't be there, and I'm not sure one 19-year-old kid is going to ruin your wedding.

But on the other hand, these people keep learning that they can ignore your boundaries. MOH says, "No, your daughter is not invited," and then this woman brings her daughter anyway. Very rude! And these are not the kinds of people I'd be willing to accomodate on such an important day in my life.

This is your fiance's "side" of the guest list, so he should be the one to handle the situation. Basically, I would send the invitation to the "best friend" and her husband, and if the RSVP comes back with any indication that the son is attending, your fiance needs to contact them and clear up this misunderstanding.

Simply: "Hi, So-and-so. We just received your RSVP card and we're excited that we will see you at the wedding. Unfortunately, there seems to be a misunderstanding; the invitation was meant for you and [spouse]. I hope that you will still attend, but your son was not invited."

Worst case scenarios: either son shows up anyway, so you have someone (wedding planner, member of the wedding party, venue security, whatever) ask him to leave, or the "best friend" and her husband are so insulted, the husband doesn't show up either.

I dunno. This is definitely not something I would let go. I'm just not like that!

kerbohl · May 2013

phira said:
Worst case scenarios: either son shows up anyway, so you have someone (wedding planner, member of the wedding party, venue security, whatever) ask him to leave, or the "best friend" and her husband are so insulted, the husband doesn't show up either.

I understand your reasoning behind this, but I was at a wedding where someone mistakenly brought a nursing infant to a no-children's reception (apparently bride was not aware that nursing mothers are an exception to the rule) and they were asked to leave. Major drama and repercussions that are still going on. If you have someone ask the son to leave when he has already attended the ceremony, it will likely cause serious drama. I hope they wouldn't, if the FI explained that the son was not invited, bring a wedding crasher (which is essentially what the son would be), but if they do and there is an extra meal, at that point it might be best to just let him stay.

kerbohl · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Huh, - " apparently bride was not aware that nursing mothers are an exception to the rule"
Brides MAY make exceptions for nursing mothers. They are under no obligation to do so. The mother was wrong.

I understand where you are coming from, but I didn't reveal (nor plan to) all the facts behind this particular instance.
I just don't trust kicking out a guest who is already at the reception if it will cause worse family drama. The situation should be taken care of before the day of the wedding, and if the guest still refuses to listen and brings the son, at the point kicking them out might make things worse later.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

kerbohl said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Huh, - " apparently bride was not aware that nursing mothers are an exception to the rule"

Brides MAY make exceptions for nursing mothers. They are under no obligation to do so. The mother was wrong.
I understand where you are coming from, but I didn't reveal (nor plan to) all the facts behind this particular instance.
I just don't trust kicking out a guest who is already at the reception if it will cause worse family drama. The situation should be taken care of before the day of the wedding, and if the guest still refuses to listen and brings the son, at the point kicking them out might make things worse later.

That's unreal. Who would ask someone to leave? Oh that's right, someone who is way too impressed with themselves and probably kicked and screamed and yelled "MY DAY" all day. Seems like the bride was more of a baby than the child.

kerbohl · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

YOU said the BRIDE didnt know the rule. YOU are mistaken. YOU can say you do not like how Bride handled it, but that's all you can say.

I said I'm not talking anymore about the situation, which you don't know the background about. I was using it as an example for why it isn't wise to kick someone close to the family out after they already attended the ceremony and are at the reception.

How to politely tell someone they can't bring their uninvited teen...

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