July 2013 Weddings

BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?

Okay, headline aside I have a tricky issue I'd love some insight/opionion on. It feels safer to post here instead of the main boards where I know I'll get the "you're an ungrateful person who is the worst ever" responses.

My question is about bridesmaids gifts.

My bridal party consists of five ladies - four are lifelong friends whom I've know for 20 years and one is my sister in law. To date, none of them have shown any interest in my wedding, asked about or offered to help with anything, or made any other attempts to participate in the process.

Two of the bridesmaids never picked up their dresses from DB. One I had to physically go get myself because the drive was "too far" for her (we're talking 20 miles) and the other BM didn't go pick up hers (she lives literally 3 minutes from DB) until I finally text her that DB left a voicemail giving me an end date to when they would hold it (because it had been left there THAT long - and they called me constantly and she knew that and still didn't bother).

My MOH is my best friend and I love her and she is interested in things but not really doing much as far as the "traditional duties" go. She is in another state and a single mom and I appreciate her being there on my big day regardless, but in respect to providing her or anyone else a gift to express my dear gratitude for all they've done to support me in getting married, well, it just feels like a joke.

I am not even having a shower or bacherlotte party unless I plan one myself. I'm bummed that my lifelong friends are not showing more interest but trying to remember this day is about me and my future husband, not about how sh*tty my friends are being. I really will get over it but I'm more and more not inclined to go out of my way for a gift of thanks.

I hope I wrote this diplomatically and logically - I am not a brat, ungrateful, spolied, self-centered etc. I love these people dearly, these people are not interested in my wedding. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thanks for listening :)

Re: BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?

  • I know it's probably disappointing when your friends aren't that excited to talk wedding plans or into throwing parties, but really the gifts you get your wedding party are to thank them for standing up with you on your wedding day and for being your nearest and dearest. 

    You can spend whatever you are comfortable with though as long as it's a thoughtful gift. 

    I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but just because they're not into participating in wedding activities shouldn't mean they're any less of a friend to you if you thought they were close enough to stand with you on your wedding day.  Of course it's natural to want to have the experience of showers and having your friends and family be excited for you, but try not to get too hung up on those things as your bridal party is really just there to stand up with you on your big day.

    It is annoying that they were so difficult about picking up the dresses, and I think you went above and beyond by picking up the one friend's dress.  That's really the only thing they have to do- get the dress!

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  • drg424drg424 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    In Response to Re: BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?:
    [QUOTE]I know it's probably disappointing when your friends aren't that excited to talk wedding plans or into throwing parties, but really the gifts you get your wedding party are to thank them for standing up with you on your wedding day and for being your nearest and dearest.  You can spend whatever you are comfortable with though as long as it's a thoughtful gift.  I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but just because they're not into participating in wedding activities shouldn't mean they're any less of a friend to you if you thought they were close enough to stand with you on your wedding day.  Of course it's natural to want to have the experience of showers and having your friends and family be excited for you, but try not to get too hung up on those things as your bridal party is really just there to stand up with you on your big day. It is annoying that they were so difficult about picking up the dresses, and I think you went above and beyond by picking up the one friend's dress.  That's really the only thing they have to do- get the dress!
    Posted by avolker1[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! I get it - and I think I am more just venting here in hopes it doesn't carry over into my communications with them. I'll of course still get them a gift and be gracious and observe the etiquette, but I still think I don't feel inclined to go over the top - as much fun as that would be.

    Truthfully, I'm still a little upset over my "cancelled" bachelorette party. My MOH rallied everyone about going to Vegas, found a hotel and chose dates and then just started avoiding everyone and me until she finally text me that she had other things going on and to pay for so it was off.

    Again - that's a vent - I have *never* said that out loud (or typed, I guess) so it actually feels good to get that out there.

    Sighs - 70 days left and I will be getting married to my love and that's all that matters LOL thanks for entertaining my neurosis this afternoon! Laughing
  • In Response to Re:BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?:I know it's probably disappointing when your friends aren't that excited to talk wedding plans or into throwing parties, but really the gifts you get your wedding party are to thank them for standing up with you on your wedding day and for being your nearest and dearest.nbsp; You can spend whatever you are comfortable with though as long as it's a thoughtful gift.nbsp; I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but just because they're not into participating in wedding activities shouldn't mean they're any less of a friend to you if you thought they were close enough to stand with you on your wedding day.nbsp; Of course it's natural to want to have the experience of showers and having yournbsp;friends and family be excited for you, but try not to get too hung up on those things as your bridal party is really just there to stand up with you onnbsp;your big day. It is annoying that they were so difficult about picking up the dresses, and I think you went above and beyond by picking up the one friend's dress.nbsp; That's really the only thing they have to do get the dress!Posted by avolker1Thanks! I get it and I think I am more just venting here in hopes it doesn't carry over into my communications with them. I'll of course still get them a gift and be gracious and observe the etiquette, but I still think I don't feel inclined to go over the top as much fun as that would be.Truthfully, I'm still a little upset over my "cancelled" bachelorette party. My MOH rallied everyone about going to Vegas, found a hotel and chose dates and then just started avoiding everyone and me until she finally text me that she had other things going on and to pay for so it was off.Again that's a vent I have never said that out loud or typed, I guess so it actually feels good to get that out there.Sighs 70 days left and I will be getting married to my love and that's all that matters LOL thanks for entertaining my neurosis this afternoon! Posted by drg424[/QUOTE] Yeah that's a bummer your bachelorette got cancelled. I totally get not wanting to go overboard on the gifts; only spend what you feel comfortable with. Who knows, maybe they will plan something more low key for closer to the wedding?
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  • McRogolMcRogol member
    100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I completelty understand where you're coming from...But have to admit I was one of those friends.  Not because I wasn't excited for my friend, but becuase planning and prepping things for someone else's wedding just isn't that fun unless you are someone who loves to craft and DIY as a hobby.  Unfortunately, my friend felt like you did and didn't understand why we weren't excited to come over for making things for her wedding (even when plied with wine).  

    Try not to take it personally.  The way my friends and I felt about helping our friend in no way reflected on our happiness for her or our love of her.  

    You are obviously a bit more tacful becuase our friend came right our and said, "when are you throwing my shower?"  Ha!!!


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  • I can empathize due to my own bridesmaid situation. 

    They are still buying their own dress, right? I think it is appropriate to get them a gift since they are still doing something by using their money to buy a dress and taking the time out of their day to be a bridesmaid.

    If they haven't gone above and beyond, you should just spend what you are comfortable with. A $25 bottle of wine or a Philosophy body wash/lotion set with a nice card should be fine. 


  • I'm so sorry that you are going through this. So much of the fun of wedding planning (for me anyway!) has been spending time with my bestfriends/bridesmaid planning, shopping & crafting. I can't imagine how i would feel if they just "weren't interested". It would be so disapointing!

    As crappy as they are being, I do think that you should still get them a little something. Even just a nice, unique pair of earrings from Etsy.com or a local shop. You could spend about $30 each and still get them something that says "Thank you" (for nothing!! hahaha). 


  • Belle0720Belle0720 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited May 2013

    Sorry you're going through this :-( I would be really bummed out too if my MOH had pulled something like that. I know showers and bachelorette parties are not required but to plan one and then back out would definitely hurt my feelings.

    Even so, you should still give them something to thank them for standing with you on your wedding day. Whether it be just a card, a $5 gift card to starbucks, a bottle of wine, or $30 necklace, it really doesn't matter. Spend what you can afford and write a nice thank you note for standing with you on your wedding day.

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  • Yeah, this would not have gone over well on the main boards.

    Sadly, the wedding industry has done a good job brainwashing people into thinking that people in the wedding party have "duties".  Even TK says it, and it's BS.  It gives brides a false sense of what the WP is supposed to do, and then a lot of people get disappointed.  Ultimately, the ONLY duty a bridesmaid has is to get the dress and show up.  That's it.  They're not required to throw you any parties or anything.  (Although if my MOH planned something awesome for me and then backed out I'd be annoyed too).

    I know you're bummed your friends aren't more involved.  Just know that NO ONE will be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  Just because they don't offer to help or anything doesn't mean that they're not happy for you.  Since they're your good friends, I'm sure they're VERY happy for you!  Nothing you've written suggests that they are bad friends. Unless they offer, it's not their job to help you with your planning/projects.  It stinks that one was flaky about picking up her dress-I had one like that too.  She was one day away from the deadline, and I just went and picked it up for her so neither of us how to worry.  She appreciated it.  But there's really not anything that you need to worry about.  I'm sure your friends care about you deeply and are happy that you found someone to spend the rest of your life with!

    Yes, absolutely give them a thoughtful gift.  You don't have to go all out for it unless you want to.  I'm giving myself a set price point for my BMs, and will shop for them like it's their birthday.  I'll also give them a card to thank them for standing by me.  Buying them gifts may seem stressful at times, but it can also be a lot of fun!

    Congrats on the upcoming weddding!  Everything will go great!  Good luck to you!
  • drg424drg424 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to Re: BM gifts: thanks for....nothing?:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, this would not have gone over well on the main boards. Sadly, the wedding industry has done a good job brainwashing people into thinking that people in the wedding party have "duties".  Even TK says it, and it's BS.  It gives brides a false sense of what the WP is supposed to do, and then a lot of people get disappointed.  Ultimately, the ONLY duty a bridesmaid has is to get the dress and show up.  That's it.  They're not required to throw you any parties or anything.  (Although if my MOH planned something awesome for me and then backed out I'd be annoyed too). I know you're bummed your friends aren't more involved.  Just know that NO ONE will be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  Just because they don't offer to help or anything doesn't mean that they're not happy for you.  Since they're your good friends, I'm sure they're VERY happy for you!  Nothing you've written suggests that they are bad friends. Unless they offer, it's not their job to help you with your planning/projects.  It stinks that one was flaky about picking up her dress-I had one like that too.  She was one day away from the deadline, and I just went and picked it up for her so neither of us how to worry.  She appreciated it.  But there's really not anything that you need to worry about.  I'm sure your friends care about you deeply and are happy that you found someone to spend the rest of your life with! Yes, absolutely give them a thoughtful gift.  You don't have to go all out for it unless you want to.  I'm giving myself a set price point for my BMs, and will shop for them like it's their birthday.  I'll also give them a card to thank them for standing by me.  Buying them gifts may seem stressful at times, but it can also be a lot of fun! Congrats on the upcoming weddding!  Everything will go great!  Good luck to you!
    Posted by wittykitty14[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, WittyKitty - and totally! This was more just a dumb vent than anything. I know no one is obligated to do anything, and yes, these are lifelong friends who will remain so.

    I would never really not get them a gift - that would really give people cause to call me the worst person ever :)

    In regards to the main boards, while the etiquette advice is usually spot-on, the piss poor attitudes and sharks-smelling-blood approach is beyond not necessary!

    Good luck to you too and thanks for the feedback :)
  • Glad I could help!  And yeah, I completely understand the venting process-it's just what we need sometimes!

    And I doubly understand your thoughts on the etiquette board.  The advice is typically good, but some people can be very harsh in their wording, and like to tear you apart. It's like it's a game for some people.  But that's why I like to come here!  This board has a friendly vibe!
  • I feel where you're coming from as well. I have 2 girls and both are super busy. One had a baby and the other is planning her own wedding. I helped with everything. While it wasn't my ideal situation I didn't mind it. In the end I just want everyone to be happy.
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  • drg424drg424 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    Thanks, everyone - I appreciate the advice :) Just to update, my two aunts unexpectedly asked my mom and grandma if they could host a shower for me June 30. It will be mostly family and just a few girlfriends (BM party is largely out of town) and I couldn't ask for more.

    It truly isn't "necessary" - I agree, but it is very nice for them to offer and it will be great to spend that time with my family to celebrate and reflect on my life's journey with those who have watched it unfold!

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2013
    I was in a wedding and I did more that the other BMs, I even threw two showers. the MOH did plan the out of town bachelorette and since many of the local girls couldn't go my sisters and I planned a local one. Long story short, she didn't give me the all the gifts she gave her "life long friends," I'm here SIL and my feeling still have not recovered from the MOH asking if "we are all taking our Coach wristlets?" when I did not receive one. Moral of the story, don't let something silly affect your relationship bc it is stressful not just for you but them too. Everyone has things going on and just bc they are busy doesn't mean they don't love you :-) Hang in there!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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