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Changing Evening Invite to "Whole Day" Invite

chelseymmoorechelseymmoore
Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi ladies,

My fiance and I are getting married in England in August. It is quite common over there to invite a smaller amount of people to the wedding breakfast (which is actually dinner, who knew!) and maybe 20-25 (or however many) additional people to the evening reception. I know that this is not as common in Canada and America and that some people feel quite strongly against it. I am certainly open to those opinions as well.

I have had a number of friends and family members that initially indicated that they would make the journey from Canada to England, so I was sure to save space for them, as our venue only holds 60 people for a sit down meal. Well, now about half of them are no longer able to make it for various reasons (health, financial, work obligations etc), so I would like to approach some of the folks that we have sent evening-only invites to (friends that we really only see when we're in England, and aren't as close with anymore, but still friends nonetheless), to see if they would like to come to the ceremony and dinner as we have space now. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and it was hard for me to get on board with this evening-only thing in the first place, as I didn't want people to feel excluded. Now, I am worried that these guests may feel snubbed that they are only being included because there's room now. Which I suppose, in a black and white sort of way, is the case, but I would really like to spend the day with as many of my friends as possible and it seems silly to me to leave empty chairs when we could be enjoying their company.

What are your thoughts, ladies?

Kind regards,
Chelsey.
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Re: Changing Evening Invite to "Whole Day" Invite

  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm not really sure about the situation, though it feels like b listing.

    However, you should change your username so that it's not your full name and email address.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    For clarification: There's breakfast, then ceremony, then evening? Why aren't the evening people invited to the ceremony?
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Eh, I think the rudeness here (if any- I don't presume to fully understand UK etiquette) has passed. I'd go ahead and send them an invite to the day with no comment, and if they ask just refer to "oh it's lovely we've found more room- no worries if you can't make it"
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Did you send invites or save the dates? It seems early to have already sent invites for an August wedding. If they were invites, then changing them would feel like b-listing to me. However, if they were just save the dates, then I don't think it would be a huge deal to make some changes.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't like to comment on weddings in foreign places b/c I don't know the etiquette. If that were happening in the USA, we would all (except the people who are WRONG) say it's not polite b/c it's B-listing and makes people feel like you only want them there b/c the people you wanted more can't make it. Do you have family or friends in England?  Someone who would know the etiquette on this?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • chelseymmoorechelseymmoore
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks all for your comments. LMc0322, it goes: ceremony, dinner (called breakfast because it is the first meal the bride and groom have as man and wife), then evening reception. We are getting married in a small 12th century church in the village my fiance grew up in. It seats approximately 60 people. The reception venue (again, small country pub) seats about the same. So unfortunately, we just did not have the luxury of having everyone be a part of everything. We still wanted to see people and have them join us for the fun evening bit, and again, this is something that seems to be "done" in England. 

    allispain, invites were sent early (in March) to accommodate friends and family coming from Canada, to leave them more than enough time to book flights and accommodation.

    AddieL73, thanks for your advice. I will certainly get in touch with them to see what their thoughts are.

    misshart00, I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that. I went into my profile, but I can't find where or what to click to change my username. :-(
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I still think this sounds really b listy but I agree with @AddieL73. I don't necessarily know what is appropriate for another country.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    To change you name, you have to make a new account. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Oh, ok, I understand now. I personally wouldn't add anyone else, but that's based on what we do here.  I'd be sad to know I was only invited to fill space because someone else couldn't come (I know you know them there and they're not just space fillers, but this is how it could feel/sound).  But, as everyone else said, it'll depend on how that's done over there.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper

     I hope there are some UK girls on here who can give input - otherwise I'd definitely try to find a few friends or relatives who might be able to give more perspective. 

    As you mentioned tiered weddings are common in England; so if your guests don't view it as rude then I guess it's not.  But b-listing (which is what this would be) is a totally separate etiquette faux pas and may or may not be seen as acceptable. 

    Do you now have enough empty seats to invite all your guests to the whole shindig?  if so I might be tempted to go ahead and do it so that you're eliminating the tiered reception all together.  You could always play it off as "I know it's common here, but I just don't feel right not inviting you to the whole thing", KWIM?

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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If I were already coming and knew I was only going to the evening reception, which means I'm okay with the "tiered" aspect, then I (personally) would not feel slighted if you invited me to the daytime shindigs as well. I mean, I'm already going to be there, so it would be nice to be able to see the ceremony and have dinner and such. In a way, it would be kind of a relief, since now I'd get to see the entire shebang instead of just the evening reception, which would make the trip more worth it. (Not that going to England wouldn't be cool on its own.)

    I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but if you were my friend, I'd be okay with that. The B-listing I wouldn't be okay with would be if I hadn't been invited at all and now I'm getting an invitation. But since I was on the original list for the reception, then it's more like A-minus-listing in my head than B-listing. :)
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  • chelseymmoorechelseymmoore
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks ladies. I spoke with my future sister in law and she told me to not be so silly about worrying about it as I guess this is a rather frequent occurrence to "upgrade" evening guests as RSVP's come in. Gosh even typing it feels weird to me! I suppose it's just one of those cultural things that I am still learning. wrigleyville, your comment was basically the same thing she told me so I suppose I've been stressing over nothing. 

    Thanks again for all of your input, it's been a big help. Kate 61487, unfortunately, we've only got about 12 seats, and 20 or so evening guests. There are a few couples that I will call personally, and gingerly explain the situation and hope for the best. All I can do is try, and if they are truly offended then I suppose it's a lesson learned. 
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  • happyfor25happyfor25 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm curious...where does the evening event take place?  Is it at an entirely different venue from the ceremony and "breakfast"?  Is it also hosted by the bride and groom?
    imageimage
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  • chelseymmoorechelseymmoore
    Name Dropper First Comment
    @happyfor25, The ceremony is in a church in my fiance's childhood village and the wedding breakfast and reception are at a country pub about 10 miles away. It is also hosted by my fiance and I. The reception starts at about 3:30pm (we're bussing our guests from the church to the pub), with a cocktail/canapes reception followed by dinner at 5pm till about 7pm. Evening guests would arrive at 8pm once speeches are over and dancing has started. We had planned to have a evening buffet at about 9pm to ensure tummies stay full.
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  • HaylaCHaylaC member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    Hello, this is probably way too late but I'm from England and wanted to say you should be fine to do this. Wrigleys comment was pretty much dot on, as long as they are on the evening list already they won't be offended.
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