OMGosh!!!!! For the last 2 months my FI and I have been having a "difficult" time. Our relationship has always been easy! For 3 years we could and did talk about anything! Very safe for me! (unlike my previous marriage) Well, he has been very different lately! Communication has been no longer "safe" because anything and everything Ive said he has gotten very very defensive! At first I dismissed it then made excuses for it...stressed about wedding planning, finances, budget, work etc. His temper got so extreme, yelling, face turn red, responses when Ive tried to discuss the lack of "connection" that Ive been feeling.
I had gotten extremely worried that he had changed his mind. When I questioned if he still loved me and wanted to get married, he barked back that he wouldnt have asked me if he didn't. I found that very comforting let me tell ya! Its been rough! I really havent recognized him or us! He yells, I yell..I cry! ugh! These last 2 months I found myself feeling very lonely and confused. I talked with some of my BM's and they kept trying to reassure me of how much he loves me."its written all over his face" and they even told me that I need to figure out what was wrong with me that Im not "seeing/feeling" such love!!!
We have been having some financial difficulties not meeting our "venue budget savings" these last 2 months (medical issues). I am very stressed about not being able to make the venues 2nd payment of 3 in Sept. because of our shortage. Well, last month I sat down with him and very seriously, and it was extremely heart breaking for me, discussed the shortage and my thoughts about canceling the wedding. I had all the expenses involving the wedding written down. He looked at it then took the pad and wrote down all of my unexpected medical. It was a ton. We figured these "unexpected" expenses would not happen again and we were still on track and ok! Before long, this month, my doctor ordered an additional 3 more tests...more "unexpected" expenses so I flipped in stress again. I told him that I felt we should cancel the wedding that it was just too much for me and I couldnt handle the stress. All in all, Ive said we should cancel the wedding 3 or 4 times!
Like I said, we have been having a very difficult time of it and had another FIGHT this week! It all came to a head. I cant believe what I found out!!!! My lovely FI told me that he felt disposable and I was rotten for repeatedly canceling the wedding. He had made a promise to me for life and "obviously" I didnt feel the same. He questioned what he should do now....now that he doesnt have a home and all his plans are gone!!!!!! What????? Not only was I confused, I thought he was being a bit dramatic!!!! A huge huge turn off for me!!! I told him he was a frekkin drama queen and to grow up!! Yikes!!!! Honestly, our biggest FIGHT yet..which is new to us (these last 2 months). We have had disagreements but never fights!!
To my big shock, turns out..he thought "wedding" meant marriage!!!! I meant "wedding" meaning wedding/venue!!!!!! For 2 months this man thought I did not want to marry him anymore!!!!!!!! It took a good 10 minutes before I realized what he was thinking and then I still had to ask him! Yup..he thought I was saying I did not want to marry him when I told him that we should cancel the wedding!!!! How horrible I felt that hes been walking around thinking/feeling this for these last 2 months!!!! Hes been so hurt and angry!!!! Me...I was thinking he didnt want to marry me because of his bad attitudes and distance!!!!!! WOW WOW WOW!!! Boy, I cried like a baby!!!!!
We went over these last few months and talked it all out!!! Everything felt immediately better!!!! It feels amazing to have the man I love back! I recognize him and us again!!!!
Now, I will be super diligent to make sure that we both have the same meaning for things...especially this next year of planning!!!!! But really???? Every single time I said it, it was because of our finances, and I certainly brought them up!!!!! WTH????? Wouldnt I have said, I dont love you anymore and do not want to marry you???? Instead of, "I think we need to rethink the wedding because we arent making budget!" Never mind putting a deposit down for a photographer!!!! (which is why he yelled about throwing money away) UGH!!!!! I think I should really read that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!"
