Should a coach invite his players to the wedding

KayD19 · March 2010

My future husban is a high school basketball coach, all his players want to come to the wedding a reception. What should I do?

quotequeen · March 2010

Hmm. Does your FI *want* to invite them? It doesn't really sound like he does. He certainly isn't obligated to. I coach an undergraduate academic team, and I am planning to invite some of the students. They are college students, not high school, and I am not that far from them in age, so I consider them friends - perhaps that makes a big difference? I certainly don't consider it inappropriate for me, but it depends on the specifics of your circumstances. If he feels like he would have to act as a mentor all night and would be uncomfortable, he should not invite them.

Crissyo · March 2010

I am a teacher and coach and also find this innappropriate.
However, many of my students and team members will probably show up at the church...I think this is ok. I remember going to see one of my teachers get married when I was in 6th grade, I was so excited about it. Thinking about it now, I have no idea why my students would want to come to my wedding ceremony, but if they do go...that's fine. But the reception..no.

Crissyo · March 2010

I forgot to mention that my ceremony is at a church...so in that case, I think its ok.
However, if your ceremony is at your reception site I would not think that would be appropriate...

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

I vote no. He's their coach and buddy but the bottom line is he's also their teacher authority figure. Not professional and not approrpriate. The idea of having a little celebration of their own is fine.

KayD19 · March 2010

One this that I think that I forgot to mention is that he coaches in a very small town. So that parents of the students would be invited along the the students. Also the problem is that some of them are few church memebers so they have every right to attend the Mass celebrating our wedding. I think the it is the best idea not to invite them however I have a feeling that some will show up. What do I do then. Tell them to leave the reception?

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-coach-invite-his-players-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de5e98fe-b2bc-4511-aff3-08efe6e323c3Post:1c9b426c-ef7c-4b74-a9f0-e7722cd1f91e">Re: Should a coach invite his players to the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]One this that I think that I forgot to mention is that he coaches in a very small town. So that parents of the students would be invited along the the students. Also the problem is that some of them are few church memebers so they have every right to attend the Mass celebrating our wedding. I think the it is the best idea not to invite them however I have a feeling that some will show up. What do I do then. Tell them to leave the reception?
Posted by KayD19[/QUOTE]
Hopefully, they wouldn't be so rude but if they show up uninvited to the reception, yes, you can tell them to leave.

sucrets4 · March 2010

Well, if he makes it clear that they are not welcome at the reception, then it would be awfully rude of them to show up. If they do, someone needs to tell them to leave.

I don't see any problem with them coming to the ceremony on their own volition, but he should NOT invite them formally.

mikast · May 2013

I'm in a similar situation. I've coached a youth cheerleading team for five years and have developed a lot of close relationships with the girls and thier parents. The girls will be in seventh grade when I get married and I've already heard talks from parents that they would want to come to the church to watch.

The problem is I'm not getting married at a church. My ceremony and reception are at the same site and immediately follow one another. I don't think anyone on my team or thier parents have the expectation that they should be invited, but I don't want to deny my girls the opportunity to see thier coach get married if they want to watch.

Is it wrong to invite them to the ceremony only even though the reception immediately follows? I'm sure they'll just want to watch, say hello and maybe take a picture.

Is there anything wrong with that or should I scratch the whole idea?

Jen4948 · May 2013

mikast: It would definitely be wrong to invite them to the ceremony but not the reception-even just to watch, say hello, and take a picture. Inviting them to the ceremony makes them "guests" who then have to be hosted at the reception. (It is acceptable to invite guests to the reception but not the ceremony, but not the other way around.)

I tend to be on Team No Students Or Other Persons You Have A Professional Relationship Of Authority With. Even if they want to come, I just wouldn't cross that line.

Kate61487 · May 2013

@mikast - just say no.

I had a physics teacher (who was also a football coach) get married while I was in school. The majority of my class was actually players on his team; I think he heard (joking) talk about crashing his wedding. He just flat out announced in class (I think one of the students mentioned it first) that no students were invited and that none of us better show up that day. One of the students was playing the ceremony in a string quartet and he (again, jokingly) told him he would fail him if he told anyone when/where the ceremony was.

Unless your FI **really** wants them there I would not invite them. If you're getting married in a public place you can't really stop them from coming to the ceremony, but I wouldn't tell them where/when it is specifically. If he feels like they're going to try to come to the reception he might just need to flat out tell them no. I don't think any of my fellow classmates was offended at my teacher's announcement and I'm sure there were a few football players who would have legitimately tried to crash just to be funny before he said it. Highschoolers can be a little dense...

KellyBensimon · May 2013

I teach. I definitely would not do it. I didn't invite any former or current students to my wedding. One student joked that he was going to show up, and I was half nervous that he would. However, he was just kidding.

MsYeck · May 2013

I would not invite them. However If your church does "open" weddings I wouldn't be suprised if some get dragged to the ceremony with their parents.

lyndausvi · May 2013

I think it's odd.

lifeonthehill · May 2013

FI is a private school teacher and has had this question asked many times. He told them no and then a few days later they casually asked where it was going to be. He slipped and told then they realized it wouldn't be local. They through a fake hissy fit and went on their way. Thank goodness most of them are either out of state/country or live in this state but don't have cars. Haha.

musicalcanadianbride · May 2013

I teach and conduct a choir (of adults), and the only choristers invited are my cousins and super close friend, who happen to sing in the choir (but they would have been invited anyway). None of my students are invited, because if I invite one, I have to invite them all. I do have one singer from my choir who seems to think that she should show up to my ceremony... Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until after I'd told her where I was holding it. And by that point, when she then asked "what time is it at?" what was I supposed to say? "I don't want you to be so enthusiastic about seeing me in my dress that I'm going to lie and tell you it's at 6:00 so that you miss it and then quit my choir because you're so insulted"? Ugh. People are so weird.

Summer2011Bride · May 2013

For one, anyone invited should be invited to the whole thing--ceremony AND reception--unless the ceremony is truly an intimate ceremony (meaning immediate family only).

Also, as a teacher, I would not be comfortable inviting students. I am close with some of my students and also teach in a small town/school, and would not find this appropriate. I try to keep my personal and school life separate, and I think inviting kids to my wedding would cross that line.

Simply Fated · May 2013

I think it's super inappropriate. Maybe if they were former students/athletes that he kept in touch with.

And it's not okay to invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception. Since it's a public place like a church, you can't stop them from attending on their own, but I wouldn't go as far as inviting them to only part of the wedding.

pinkshorts27 · May 2013

I agree that it is in most cases inappropriate, but there are some exceptions (in my opinion). My coach was like a second mom to me or a beloved aunt. She had to approve of boyfriends and was involved in my life. She coached me when I was 10 and through high school. Our families would have dinner and she was close with my parents, as well, as with me. She got married when I was 17 and I attended her wedding with my parents. But no one else on our team did and we never talked about it in front on them.

pends123 · May 2013

@mikast I also have coached a youth cheerleading squad for a few years, and this thought has crossed my mind. I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting some girls and their families but not others, and I definitely would not invite them to the ceremony only. The reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to the ceremony so it would be rude not to expect them to attend both events.

Do you spend time regularly with the parents and their girls outside of cheerleading? In my situation, I don't, so I decided it was best not to invite them at all. I love my cheerleaders but I won't necessarily miss them at my wedding.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I vote with others not to invite them. Have FI tell them that he appreciatest that they want to share his special day with him but that you have a limited budget and can't have the whole team there. Then if they ask if they can come to just the ceremony, I would say yes to that, as long as they understand that they can't come to the reception.

harper0813 · May 2013

My coworkers want to do the same. They said they want to come to the church to see me get married and then they'd show up at the reception to dance and that's it. That's okay, right?

Well, thankfully, my wedding is in another state and 6 hours away. And the ceremony is at the same venue as the reception, which is not a church, and IS a secured building where people need to buzz in.

I just keep using the "It's going to be mostly family" line. Which is true - our wedding will be 75% extended family. Beandip. Say that you can't invite everyone you'd like to, unfortunately. But, OP, if you're marrying in a church and they'd like to see your ceremony, let them. Hopefully your church holds more people!

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Completely agree with everyone that profssional and private lives should be kept separate, especially when you are dealing with minors and people in positions of authority like teachers or coaches. Do you want your players listening to the stories about you as a teenager, when drunk uncle bob gets the mic? Do you want them to see you do the garter toss?

MuppetFan · May 2013

Agree with super inappropriate.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

I don't mix personal and professional, but that's just me. Especially when they're not peers.

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