Anyone see this gem on the Today Show?

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

They had a small snippet about etiquette and parties today and there was a bit about weddings. Apparently, according to "modern etiquette" spouses must be invited; fiancés should be but don't have to be, and SO's it's totally up to the host. Because you don't want random people at your wedding. Nice. And then gifts...one lady tried to do the whole gift your plate costs thing and I was excited when the second lady disagreed. But that's the only smart thing she said.

I'm glad I've been lurking around here long enough to know better!

LAM524 · May 2013

Whats the "gift your plate costs thing" about?

PhoneCardLady · May 2013

I believe that you are supposed to bring a gift that is equal to or exceeds the cost of a per plate item.

If the dinner costs $50/per plate then you need to give a gift of $50 or more.

If you go with your S/O then you need to cover the cost of two plates - $100 gift.

Kate61487 · May 2013

LAM2228 said:

Whats the "gift your plate costs thing" about?

It's an incorrect / outdated idea that your gift value should cover the value of your plate. i.e. if the couple is paying $50/head at the wedding you should give $100 for you and your FI/H or $200 for your family of four, etc.

allispain · May 2013

The whole "gift your plate's cost" thing is insane - how are you even supposed to know how much per person it is? Are the bride and groom supposed to go around telling everyone how much they're spending. Such a ridiculous idea - and yet people believe it...

lyndausvi · May 2013

I did that segment. I was doing a lot of eye-rolling. Even mentioned it on FFF.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

The one lady was saying that a New York or city wedding is obviously more expensive than a country wedding so plan gifts accordingly. She couldn't have been more wrong IMO

meggiemo · May 2013

I've been lurking for a while and this thread totally caught my eye. I was RAISED on the idea that you MUST gift at least the cost of your plate. Typically, it's the cost of your plate PLUS a gift. Until I read what you ladies had to say (and became engaged to a guy who thought this idea was also crazy and moved to a city where no one gifts plate cost) I thought that was what everyone did.

To those who are wondering how you figure out what the plate costs, we always called the venue and flat out asked. (I'm sure I'm sounding totally crazy now!)

I do have a sidebar question though. Now that I know etiquette never dictated this rule, what do I do when I go to weddings where this is "expected?!"

Blue_Bird · May 2013

meggiemo said:

I do have a sidebar question though. Now that I know etiquette never dictated this rule, what do I do when I go to weddings where this is "expected?!"

Ignore it. It's really that simple. If you are acquainted with someone who has the gall to expect anything from you as a guest other than your presence, you may want to reconsider your friends.

banana468 · May 2013

I like to subscribe to my aunt's philosophy: if you expect me to cover my plate then I get to pick the place. Living in CT and having grown up in Fairfield County, DH and I have attended plenty of weddings that were pricey and I guarantee you we rarely if ever cover our plates. That our friends and family opt for expensive weddings does not mean that we opt for expensive gifts.

LAM524 · May 2013

Oh gotcha! Yes, I was also raised like this and always "tried" to do this but it was always an assumption as to how much per plate! Im sure sometimes I may have fallen short or even gifted above and beyond because I never called the venues. Actually, some family members have brought this up regarding my wedding!! "Hope the gifts cover their meals!" Funny, I never thought it was rude until those members said it to me about my guests.

I also find it extremely rude talk when people say, "I hope you get back what your paying out!" Its our choice what we pay out!!! Its our wedding and our GUESTS! They will be invited to share our special exchanges with us and celebrate our new beginning with us! They are not there to "break" us "even" or make us a profit!!! Such gross attitudes!!!!

Simply Fated · May 2013

That second "rule" is still popular in my circle and I hate it. I would never want someone to decline coming to my wedding because they thought they had to cover their plate and couldn't afford to.

The first rule about SOs is just as ridiculous. It's not a new rule, it's an outdated one and it needs to be updated.

bunni727 · May 2013

Luckily, people gift on what they want to spend/how close we are around here. If I divide it out, we paid about $10/guest; that would have been a shit-ton of spatulas and single hand towels.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

I personally have tried to give what I thought was acceptable from a college undergrad - $75-$100 from me and BF- hoping it would "cover" a chunk of my plate, but knowing full well that it would fall short.

@meggiemo I don't know for sure where the "cover your plate" thing came from but part of me thinks it's to try and reduce the "cost" of the wedding? maybe?

NerdyLucy · May 2013

Simply Fated said:

That second "rule" is still popular in my circle and I hate it. I would never want someone to decline coming to my wedding because they thought they had to cover their plate and couldn't afford to.

100% agreement

wrigleyville · May 2013

When my cousin called to let me know he got my RSVP, I made some comment about how nice it was that they were serving filet mignon. He said, "Yeah, we're hoping to get that money back from everyone who selects it as an option."

Klassy.

jemmini6 · May 2013

banana468 said:

I like to subscribe to my aunt's philosophy: if you expect me to cover my plate then I get to pick the place. Living in CT and having grown up in Fairfield County, DH and I have attended plenty of weddings that were pricey and I guarantee you we rarely if ever cover our plates. That our friends and family opt for expensive weddings does not mean that we opt for expensive gifts.

Seriously. That'd be like inviting everyone out to a restaurant where you pay your own way, but you choose Ruth's Chris when my budget is more like Olive Garden.

Right or wrong, I determine wedding gifts based on how close I am to the couple. If my best friend is getting married at the VFW, I'd still give a big gift. If my second cousin twice removed is getting married at a castle, I'd probably give something small. I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to give more to someone just because they chose to spend a small fortune on their wedding.

wrigleyville · May 2013

@jemmini6 - same here. I base the cost of the gift on our relationship to the couple. A BFF could have a backyard BBQ with everyone in flip-flops and shorts, and I'd probably give them $100 or more. A second cousin I haven't seen in ten years gets a $25-50 gift card to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

tinambride · May 2013

I'd never heard of this rule (cover the cost of your plate). Now I'm wondering how many friends I've offended by not following the rule.

I think it shows how much "etiquette" can vary from person to person. No rules should be set in stone and every situation should be approached with commonsense. I think sometimes that's forgotten. Don't be offended just because your views are slightly different than someone else. Most people mean well and should be respected for that.

PhoneCardLady · May 2013

I take the following into consideration: what they need and what I can afford. I threw the 'pay for your plate with a gift' idea out the window a long time ago/

Amyzen83 · May 2013

I'm sorry but if I lost my job, or money was tight, I budget around that, especially if you have some friends who are more spend thrifty and want expensive plates. They should have already budgeted for that $100 lobster plate, that doesn't mean everyone else should be spend thrifts too! Next I consider my relationship with that friend, and if they invited me and my SO properly. Lastly I also take into account how many weddings I'm invited to. Right now I'm one of many brides in my circle of friends, so I can't afford to spend 100 bucks on everybody! If I'm super close with this friend then I wouldn't mind budgeting for a nicer gift for him or her, because they are important in my life. If it's a distant family member, acquaintance or co-worker, then I'd get them something useful that is well within budget, like a nice new table runner, a bunch of small cooking supplies totaling 20 bucks.

Anyone see this gem on the Today Show?

Re: Anyone see this gem on the Today Show?

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