Question Time-How do your families differ?

wittykitty14 · May 2013

What are some ways your SOs family is different than your own? How do these differences play a factor in your relationship?

My FIs family is different than mine in a few ways. FI's family is very open about how much they care about each other. They show it and say it often. Mine shows it more indirectly, and says it less these days. FILs are great about open communication. They let it all out when they need to, and work out anything that needs it. There are no secrets, no insincerity. They say what they mean. My own family is a ****storm when it comes to communication, and I've seen the long-terms effects of this. It's unintentional (for the most part), but I was brought up with mind-games, emotional manipulation, and control. I love my family dearly and we're very close, but the older I get, the more I'm aware of our relationships and how unhealthy they can be.

FI is an open book. He's honest about everything, and is respectful of others feelings and opinions. He's a very physically affectionate person (holding hands in public, hugs his friends and family all the time, arm around me at the movies, type of guy). That's the environment he was raised in. I'm not nearly as comfortable with the PDA. I've had to learn how to be honest with my feelings, and it's been a struggle. I'm used to emotions being a bad thing. These differences have really helped our relationship grow though. We have a good idea of the type of family we want to have, and how we plan to treat our children. I love being with FI because he loves me unconditionally. It's actually really cool to have someone who will still show their love to me even if I'm not perfect. It's awesome.

I feel like that was more of a vent than I intended. But I'll keep it up. How about you all? What are your family dynamics like? I've been doing a lot of reflection on this lately, so I'm really curious as to what your experience is!

Salsera29 · May 2013

Our families are very different in how we handle conflict. It really taking some getting used to. FI's family is very direct, believe any issues should be confronted head-on, and can yell at one another and be over it in 5 minutes.

My family feels like if you confront something, it makes it more of a issue and that most of time it's just not worth it. We more in the, "Keep your mouth shut and get over it" camp. If we had a yelling match, there would be hurt feelings and pouting for days.

Their way might be better, but it's really uncomfortable for me. I actually got up and left the table during dinner at FIL's one night because they were all yelling at each other and I couldn't take it. 5 minutes later they were all fine and had worked out the problem, and I was still upset.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

@coopergirl15 and @Salsera29-I think we might have the same families!

Cooper-Your first paragraph sums up my family PERFECTLY. And my dad's side of the family is the same as you described. My dad and his sister have another sister that they haven't spoken to in years.

Salsera-FI's family tends to do the same thing-they blow up and then get over it quickly. That happened recently, and was very quick. After a 5 minute cool-down period, they were ok. I was still crying because it startled me. At least when my parents had their endless screaming matches they went in the other room so it was a little more muffled and less scary. I also grew up with the "keep your mouth shut" attitude. My mom got on my case once because I left a coversation and wanted to go cry because my feelings were hurt. I was probably 11 at the time. No wonder I'm messed up!

tinambride · May 2013

My FI's family is far stricter than mine. This has been an adjustment for me. They are very "hands on" parents and still view themselves as the "authority figure." There are certain expectations (both professionally and socially) that I'm still getting used to. My FI actually shares very little information with his parents at this point because this is the only way to keep them from getting too involved.

My family is less involved but far more emotional (not always in a good way). My family is far more passive aggressive which can make for frustrating conflicts. That being said, I am much more open with my parents and it is hard to me to keep "secrets" from my parent's the way my FI does.

It's been an adjustment for both of us.

Salsera29 · May 2013

wittykitty14 said:

@coopergirl15 and @Salsera29-I think we might have the same families!
Cooper-Your first paragraph sums up my family PERFECTLY. And my dad's side of the family is the same as you described. My dad and his sister have another sister that they haven't spoken to in years.
Salsera-FI's family tends to do the same thing-they blow up and then get over it quickly. That happened recently, and was very quick. After a 5 minute cool-down period, they were ok. I was still crying because it startled me. At least when my parents had their endless screaming matches they went in the other room so it was a little more muffled and less scary. I also grew up with the "keep your mouth shut" attitude. My mom got on my case once because I left a coversation and wanted to go cry because my feelings were hurt. I was probably 11 at the time. No wonder I'm messed up!

@Wittykitty14 ...yeah I think we do have the same families. I wasn't "allowed" to get angry as a kid. My mom says that when I was little if I got mad I would bite my own hand. Yup, totally normal and functional...

BostonGIrl4732 · May 2013

My parents settled down near their siblings. I was raised with daily interactions from my aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins. I'm very close to my extended family and I can't imagine not being near them. There is a lot of drama in the group, but I love them dearly and we somehow always manage to work it out. Holidays are a blast and sometimes we randomly invade my grandparents' home (a few months ago 25 people randomly showed up with food and we had a party, I haven't seen my grandmother smile so much in a while - probably because we cleaned the house before we left).

FI's parents do not have as many siblings, and FI's dad moved away from his family. FI grew up being lucky to see his aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents more than once a month (if that). In their family, it's very much just about the four of them. It causes a lot of issues because I'm not considered family (I'm not one of the core people). His mother doesn't understand large family dynamics, so she doesn't understand why I don't want to move far from my extended family and gives FI crap about it.

FI is pretty good about trying to understand. He says often that he can't get over how quickly my family was able to accept him and how quickly he was treated as "one of us". He loves hanging out with some of my relatives because he relates to them a lot better than some of his own. At the same time, he has a hard time with some of the drama that comes with such a large group of people and can't over how quickly it crops up and then goes away.

His family very much revolves around one person, in my family that would not fly and you learn to sort of pay attention to everyone. You speak up or you don't get heard. It's very interesting to navigate sometimes.

AddieCake · May 2013

Our family differences are financial, so sometimes there are differences in the way things are done that go along with that, if that makes sense. We live far apart from both our families, though, so we don't really have a lot of overlap and interaction anyway. Fortunately, we both have BSC people in our families and some pretty cocked up events have happened on both sides, so we "get" each other in that regard.

thejucheidea · May 2013

My family is pretty much the Bluths on Arrested Development: a wealthy family from Newport Beach, California that is full of as much drama as you can possibly imagine with practical members and insane members. I'm pretty much Michael Bluth and my sister is Lindsey complete with her own Tobias, but instead of being hilariously incompetent, he's just annoyingly incompetent and kind of an ass. My grandma on my mom's (Tennessee) side is 100% Lucille Bluth and likes to stir up more drama and hatred than you can possibly imagine. I think I'm looking forward to the next season of AD because I want to know where my life is heading family-wise.

My fiance's family is nice on both sides, but his mom's side is drama-free and family oriented while being really low-key and accepting while his dad's side is really kind but uber-religious and kinda judgey when it comes to other religions and anything that isn't super conservative. We seriously have to tip-toe around the fact that we're not Southern Baptist or even Christian, and we can't discuss anything regarding social liberalism out of fear of becoming outcasts.

My fiance's parents are both extremely loving and they love each other. My dad is very loving but my parents have hated each other for the majority of the last fifteen years. They're on the mend now after my mom had a brain tumor removed and suddenly became nice to both me (who she's mentally abused for years) and my dad, but we're kind of like 'oh god when is this going to go to ish again?'

I'm just glad that my fiance and I have a really drama-free relationship. It's been more than three years since our last big fight, and it was a fight over whether Windows or Macs were superior, so kinda... not really a major thing.

tlc35 · May 2013

His family is much more traditional and private. My Mom is likely to dance in the grocery store "because they play music" and my parents are pretty open and not so good at closing doors.
His family wouldn't act crazy like that. Financially both families are savers but not ridiculous.

lyndausvi · May 2013

Mine are completely different.

My parents have been married for 44 years. Moved around the world. Very well travelled.

DH's parents have a combined 6 marriages between them. When MIL got remarried dad gave her a bunch of cash and said the boys have a new dad now and he dis-owned them. DH has only seen him a few times since he was 8 with the last time being when he was 16. (according to the FBI he is in witness protection, again). We know he has been married at least 4 other times. Wife # 3 didn't know about DH and BIL until the forensic accountants came across their names. She keeps in touch with MIL for some reason? Ex-step-dad stole the money dad gave to MIL for DH and BIL. He put the money in his new wife's name. Complete mess. MIL's companion of 20+ years is married.

My parents have visited every place I've lived. MIL has never visited DH anywhere he has lived.

My parents were pretty strict. I.E. didn't want DH and I to stay in the same room until we were married in their home. MIL allowed over-night opposite sex guests when the kids were in the mid-teens. (oddly DH respected my parent's position in the issue. He happily stayed in another room. I was like WTF?)

MIL doesn't believe in discipline. DH had NEVER been punished as a kid. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I had a curfew.

We don't live near family. When we come to town my parents make themselves available for dinners and such.. When we come to DH's home town its just like another day to them. We never have a meal together or go out. Very strange to me.

My family are super-planners. Planning on a vacation in Sept? They start meal planning in April. Drives DH nuts. His family plans nothing. I try and make dinner plans for when we are in town and it never happens. Drives me nuts.

harper0813 · May 2013

Our families are quite similar, actually. Our upbringings are startlingly similar in general. I guess they differ in that my parents were OVERLY involved in my extracurricular activities growing up - my mom became the president of every parents' association for every activity I did, and if there wasn't a parents' association, she founded one. She worked on top of that, so she was just insanely busy and also knew everything about anything we were doing. FI's parents weren't AS involved to the extent my parents were - and it definitely made us different people in some regards. Neither of our parents did it wrong. Just differently.

But otherwise, our families have a lot in common. Both sets of parents worked full-time and are still married, our families are in roughly the the same tax bracket, we both went to private, single-sex high schools, both families have one son and one daugther, we both have unbelievably large extended families, same political beliefs, etc. Both families have also dealt with some sort of disorder - my brother is bipolar (although this is a recent development, as it usually shows itself in one's early 20s) and FI has ADD. My brother is going through what my FI went through in his early 20s - struggling to get through college while dealing with a disorder. Different types, but it has really helped my family see the light, now that my FI has graduated college (it took 9 years), is extremely successful and has a great job.

MuppetFan · May 2013

@tlc35 I love that your mom would dance at a grocery store.

@ahstillwell I love the analogy to Arrested Dev.

My parents are still married and in the same house I grew up in. They had a lot of struggles in their marriage but I think they're happy now. I think I'm the only person that's divorced in my entire family. Overall, They're very loving and caring and want to help when they can. Everyone in both sides of my family talks A LOT (understatement) and are competitive about it (something I spent years correcting as much as I could). My mom heavily embellishes or makes up stories to counter other peoples, which drives me nuts...especially when I was present for the event she's making stuff up about. I grew up in front of the TV with very few home cooked meals, we ate out a lot. We were comfortable.

FI's family is very broken. FMIL is BSC. She herself is loving, but very manipulative, demanding and controlling like her mother. Her first husband beat her up, her second (FI's father) cheated on her and left her because of her qualities, and her third husband died. FI doesn't know the whole side of the story (I Feel like his father should tell him) but FMIL raised him to think his father abandoned them but he while he left her, she essentially removed FI from his life as punishment and took him out of the state for his teens. FI was born with a disability so she's been overly protective of him (unnecessarily so in his adult life). I don't allow her to manipulate or control our relationship like she was doing so she's having a difficult time with that and is periodically hostile. Also with her, if she asks a favor and it's not done immediately, she will start screaming about it and trying to make you think she feels hurt and unloved and unimportant bc of it.

tlc35 · May 2013

@muppetfan we actually are having my Mom play the keyboard for the wedding partially because if she has a job to do she won't get bored and act goofy.

winelover123 · May 2013

My family is quite different from FI's. FI's family on both sides is fairly dysfunctional. FI's parents are both on marriage #3. FFIL wasn't there for FI while he was a child, but is making an effort to be there now. FMIL is....how do I say this nicely.......absent from FI's life by both his and her choice. She's a moocher, so before we continued with our engagement, FI and I had a nice long talk about finances and his mother. She's done a lot of sh!t that I don't want to put out on the internet, but there's a reason that none of her children call her. We only see FI's mother when she comes up for Christmas. FI's dad's side are nice people, but pretty damned racist. There have been times where I've just left the room after hearing some comments. They've been very welcoming to me, and are nice people, but we don't see the extended family often. We're both ok with that. We usually see FFIL and FSMIL once a week or so.

My immediate family took to FI right away. My mom's side also really took to FI and have considered him family for a long time. My family is much closer than FI's and we see each other much more frequently, even though we live further away from each other. How we handle conflict is very different too - we tend to just scream it out and then get over it in a few days whereas with FI's family, it's a lot more passive aggressive and/or shoving issues to the side. One thing that drives my FI absolutely nuts is that my mom changes her mind quite a bit about everything whereas with his family, once a decision or plan is made, there's no changing it.

It took us both awhile to get used to each others' family dynamic, but we have the hang of it now.

ETA: my family also breaks out into random song and dance. Our philosophy is that life is better as a musical. I have never seen FI's family do the same. Luckily, FI breaks into song and dance too, so he fits in!

harper0813 · May 2013

winelover123 said:

ETA: my family also breaks out into random song and dance. Our philosophy is that life is better as a musical. I have never seen FI's family do the same. Luckily, FI breaks into song and dance too, so he fits in!

Love this. My family is the the same way - except it freak my fiance out. He'll be totally goofy and sing-y around just me, but he turns into a robot in front of my family so he can act like a "model son-in-law".

amaryann210 · May 2013

On paper, our familes are very similar. Fairly conservative, Catholic, 4 kids in his, 5 in mine, both sets of parents still married after 40+ years. However, the dynamics are very different.

My family is super close. One of my friends calls us an "amoeba family", because we do a lot of things together. I still go to my parents' house on Sundays and holidays for dinner. I could call any of my siblings any time and they would help me out. We genuinely love spending time together. There is no drama and any potential drama is handled without arguing or fighting. My mother hates conflict. All of my siblings and I have at least a college degree, some of us have advanced degrees, and we were all encouraged to aim high professionally.

FI lives 4 hours awa from his family. He picked a college this far away to escape and even though he had some hard financial struggles fresh out of college, he never went to his parents for help. Two of his siblings still live at home, though, and his younger brother has never held a job for more than a few months at a time. There is constant drama is his family. I recently met one of his cousins and she told me that side of the family loves to fight. FMIL has threatened to not come to the wedding because neighbors of theirs didn't make the invitation list, so it takes nothing to set them off. FFIL said he won't wear a tux or he's not coming. FI, on the other hand, is not a fighter at all. I marvel at how he turned out as I get to see his family's true colors. He's a fabulous communicator and I always know what I'm going to get with him.

It's taken us both a bit of adjustement to get used to one another's families. FI loves my family and they love him, but he isn't used to all the time we spend together and needs a little more space. The fighting and threats from his family are upsetting to me and I take them seriously, perhaps more than I should, while they just kind of roll off his back. Fortunately, we live close to my family and far from his, which is a very good thing.

Simply Fated · May 2013

Night and day. I LOVE his family, don't get me wrong, but there are few similarities.
I don't even know where to start. The way the parents are with each other, for starters. The way his sister acts up... That siht would NOT fly in my house.
His parents are devout Catholics who attend church every week. We're not actively involved in our temple anymore. I'm pretty sure my dad is an atheist.

I dunno, there are a bunch if differences, but as long as my bf and I can compromise on how our family will be, I'm not too bothered.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

FI's family is (for the most part) very passive-aggressive; they won't tell you what they think, they'll tell someone else, who'll tell someone else, who'll tell you what they think. That drives me batty. My family is really direct; if we have issues with one another, we take it up with that person, privately. FI's family will air the grievance at family functions, but not with the person who's actually pissed bringing it up, with that person's factions bringing it up.

Also, FI's grandfather's brother had six girls (FFIL's first cousins). They're all SUUUUUUUUPER close, which is fine. But they expect everyone to be that close, too -- sharing very personal details about anything and everything and expecting that from everyone else, too. My family is much more private, so that's been an adjustment for me.

FI's family is very passive-aggressively confrontational, but he's not. I'm kind of amazed at how he managed to turn out with that personality, given how he was raised.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

Everyone in FI's family is so easy going, loving and respectful. I feel like my family fights more and has way more drama. My siblings are younger though and FI is the youngest in his family. My family is also smaller and does more get togethers too.

hordol · May 2013

My family isn't the mushy gushy hug-and-say-I-love-you type, FI's is. My fam loves each other, but we just show it in other ways. Conflict wise my parents are more passive aggressive (although I myself am not afraid to yell) and FI's family is quick to fight aggressively and vocally (FI can be more passive aggressive, funny how that turned out).

Financially both sets of parents are generous, but FI's family can be VERY irresponsible and I have seen that rub off on FI. They have also justified some ridiculous decisions FI has made with money (FI bought a brand spanking new truck during a quarter life crisis before he met me even though he was underwater in his old loan and it isn't fuel efficient for his longish commute. FI has since realized how much money that truck is wasting between payment, gas, and higher insurance and mentioned that to his dad one day that he regretted the truck, and his dad started defending that decision up the wazoo! You know, cause he "deserves" it of course, lol) and we have talked long and hard about how we plan to manage our money because we don't want this to cause fights and tension down the road. I grew up in a family where our financial status ranged from poor to upper middle class to poor again due to the economy, but my dad has always been good at not spending money he doesn't have. FI's parents? Not so much.

nextrightthing · May 2013

Our families are pretty different. His parents are divorced and his mom just recently died from cancer. She was a midwest farmer's daughter who could cook anything, make beautiful quilts, and never forgot to send my son cards for holidays and a coloring book, or a ten dollar bill, or something similar. So sweet because I had DS when I met FI but she loved him like he was her grandchild. She was sometimes difficult to please and was difficult for me to relate with because she wasn't emotional, while I wear my heart on my sleeve, but she was a good old-fashioned mom. FI's dad is a recovering alcoholic who was a shit to his mom when they were married but is now a much better dad ... his wife is also a sweet, loving lady. FI's family is mostly blue-collar and solidly middle class, which is different from my parents.

My family is honestly BSC. My parents are still together, although they fight often. They are both daily drinkers who probably need to get help for that, although my dad has been able to achieve a lot of professional success and makes good money. My parents were hands-off types who kind of considered parenting optional. They loved us but were young, irresponsible, and spent a lot of my childhood and adulthood drinking, buying a bar randomly, fighting etc. My older brother is a recovering heroin addict who now is a daily drinker. My little brother has schizophrenia and is currently in jail after getting arrested for a DWI.

FI's family is closer to what I'd like our family to be, and I love that am getting to be a member of a fairly normal family. So sad about his mom, though.

We aren't extremely close with either side, although we see my mom fairly often because she likes to come see DS. We plan to make more time to spend with FI's sister in the future, as FI and FSIL had drifted apart and losing their mom has been tough on both of them.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Our families couldn't be more different if they tried, or were from different countries that spoke different languages.

My family = stodgy mid-westerners. We rarely display affection (which leads to me being the most awkward hugger in the world), and almost never say 'I love you". It's just subtext that is understood. Don't get me wrong, we'd move the world for each other, we'd just move it stodgily.

His family = Open and affectionate. They hug constantly, kiss each other's cheeks, and tell each other 'I love you' aaaall the time. It still throws me off balance, and they probably think I'm stuck up and distant because I just don't know how to deal with it.

For our relationship, I say the L word more, and have become more affectionate. H has become more stoic since being around me (no longer makes a production when he's injured since I could frown in disapproval at an amputation).

Question Time-How do your families differ?

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