Need some unbiased advice

wittykitty14 · May 2013

I've posted plenty today, but right now is a good time to throw this out there.

I need some unbiased thoughts on my situation. I'll try to keep the details to a minimum, without losing my point. Feel free to PM me if you want any details clarified that seem too personal for me to answer publically.

Here it goes. I've been struggling with mental health problems nearly my entire life. They started when I was in elementary school, got discovered when I was a freshman in high school, and I've been in treatment ever since. Overall, I've worked a lot to overcome my issues and have been much more stable.

Lately, my stress level has gone through the roof. Wedding is less than 2 months away now, and there's still so much to be done. There was a close death in the family right before xmas and I feel like I haven't been able to grieve properly. I've spent the last year applying to grad school, and classes start exactly a month after the wedding. I have to be there 1-2 weeks before that, and it's 1000 miles away. Then you add money. I'm so worried about the finances between moving/grad school and wedding. That should all work out, but it's a constant cloud. Then add family drama that makes some aspects of my life unbearable. FI has been my rock.

Mental health has been deteriorating for a while. I've brushed it off as being just "burnt out", but it's gotten worse, and I'm desperately trying to avoid going down the same road. I don't want to go back. I think time off from life and more opportunities to relax would do wonders right now. My physical health is taken a toll too, which makes this harder.

My boss is awesome. He knows I have some "health" problems that I need to deal with, which is true. My work is not time dependent, and I make my own schedule. As long as my hours fall within a certain range each week, I'm good. My boss is fine with me taking time off whenever I need, within reason of course. I guess here's my real dilemma. How much time can I afford to take off? How much can I afford NOT to? I have zero benefits. Any "time off" is at my own financial loss. I need to work on healing myself, but losing money will only cause me more stress. What have you all done in this situation?

FI tells me not to worry about money, that I need to work on myself. My mom would tell me that taking time off from work is unnecessary and a bad idea. There's got to be a middle ground somewhere. I want to believe that my wellbeing is most important, but I don't know. Sorry if this is whiney and appears nothing more than a big vent. It's definitely a vent, but I would love any suggestions you have to offer. Sometimes the best opinions we can get are from strangers, right? Thanks in advance, I really appreciate it.

glitterunicorn13 · May 2013

Well, I support working on yourself. NOT working on yourself and taking time for yourself will result in things that are not good for you. I used to work in the mental health field and will be very glad to talk with you on PM if you want. I don't feel you are whiney at all. Nothing else can be taken care of if mental health is not secure, truly.

harper0813 · May 2013

What do you do to help you unwind? Is there something that you'd like to try? Knitting, yoga, baking, meditation, running, reading, whatever.

My fiance struggled with ADD for years. It (and some of the difficulties that often accompany ADD) prevented him from graduating college for 9 years. He found a hobby that helped him feel more balanced, at ease, and healthier - he cycled. Now, physical activity may not be calming for you - it isn't for me, and it's more of a chore than anything else. But there are many other hobbies available for you to explore, and you might find a repetitive/mindless task therapeutic - or maybe an activity that engages your brain, like crossword puzzles.

When it comes to time off at work (rather than making personal time more relaxing), I'm not the best person to give advice, because I, like you, get stressed about taking unpaid time off - I am not eligible for PTO until December in my new job. I took a day off last week because my dog and I were BOTH ill and I was a nervous and unhappy wreck all day. I will let someone else give you advice there.

I hope I was somewhat helpful. You seem like such a lovely person from all of your posts (I always really like what you say and contribute) and I hope the next several months go smoothly and you find opportunity to unwind.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

Thanks PPs. Intellectually I know that I should be taking care of myself. It's hard to put myself first though. But I should, because I know that if I can stop it now, it'll save me from being a lot worse later. I don't think my therapist knows how bad it's gotten. I've been able to push my feelings aside and move on. Most of the time I'm in a halfway decent mood when I see her, which makes it harder to bring up. But I see her Thursday, I really should mention it.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

@Zoberg, there's a lot of things that help me unwind. Problem is, I have a hard time justifying taking the time to do those things. I'll want to relax, but then get too worried about what else has to be done.

RWS2011 · May 2013

Are there any small things you can do/fit into your existing schedule that can help? As someone who has been living for too long with strained finances I completely understand the extra burden loss of income can add to a situation. I am currently getting help for issues of my own, and my therapist is always pushing the idea of baby steps and honoring the small changes I am making. Would setting aside 15 minutes or a half hour for some meditation, journal writing, yoga, etc make a difference for you at this point? Not knowing you and your situation well, I realize I can't give the best advice. I do hope you can find some time to address your mental health, because really, what is the alternative?

glitterunicorn13 · May 2013

I agree with PP. Even though I worked in mental health, I ended up dealing with some things in my personal life that I never anticipated, that make this new beginning (my second marriage) even more important for me. My ex-husband went from a wonderful man to a monster because of combat-related PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome). He denied having it, and stuffed it back. It all became unbelievably unbearable. I salute you for dealing with and acknowledging any issues that need attention. You are brave for that!!!

bunni727 · May 2013

There is definitely a middle ground. There is only so much time you can take off to take care of yourself and get rid of stress, before you start adding stress back on because of the money. The middle ground is just before that turning point, when the time off starts adding more stress back on.

Another thing to keep in mind is how much your mental health affects your physical health. I get sick more when I'm not doing well mentally, which leads to added cost of doctors visits and perscriptions that maybe could have been avoided.

If it helps you to see things on paper (and it does me), what i would do is this: Get your total income, and subtract any set monthly expenditures, like rent and insurance. Give yourself an allowance for more flexible expenditures, like gas, entertainment, and groceries, and a little extra for fun/emergencies. Whatever you have left over is how much you could afford to loose. Divide by your hourly rate, and you have how many hours you can afford to take off.

For example, pretending I'm you, and with easy to work with but made up numbers:

H and I bring home 3000/month.
Rent + utilities =600
Cable and internet=150
Insurance=120
Student loans=500
Groceries=300
Gas=200
Entertainment=100
Restaurants=100
Savings=200
Extra Cash=40
Total Expenses=2310

3000-2310=690

We can comfortably afford to lose $690 every month. I can't think of a better way to spend it than taking care of my mental health.

I hope this helps!

wittykitty14 · May 2013

You're all very kind. I can't tell you comforting you've been already. I'll definitely make sure my therapist knows what's up. I think I've been trying to ignore it, saying it's just "normal" stress, and that my diagnoses weren't factors in this. Regardless, this needs my focus.

I'll have to figure out the work stuff. I can do whatever I need with my schedule, and my boss is fine with it. It just comes down to how much I can go without.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

@bunni727-that breakdown was very helpful! I do stuff like that too. The problem is that with grad school coming up, I feel as though I need to save every extra penny for when we move. Then again, I could always calculate the extra money, then split it between time off and what goes into savings. Maybe that would work?

bunni727 · May 2013

wittykitty14 said:

@bunni727-that breakdown was very helpful! I do stuff like that too. The problem is that with grad school coming up, I feel as though I need to save every extra penny for when we move. Then again, I could always calculate the extra money, then split it between time off and what goes into savings. Maybe that would work?

That would be great! It's what I do.

Or sometimes, say it's a slow month at the box office and you don't use all of the $ for entertainment; that's extra time you could take off.

bunni727 · May 2013

Oh I missed the post that your therapist might not know how bad things are; please be as honest as possible with him/her. It's the only way they can help you.

I've been out of therapy for a while and managing my issues on my own, so I apologize for skipping that step in my response.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

Thank you, everyone. I truly do appreciate it. I feel a little better already. Unfortunately I have to be away from my computer for a while, possibly for the rest of the day. I'll check back when I can. Any continued advice is always welcome. Thanks again!

MuppetFan · May 2013

Witty, I'll share my story in the hopes of it supporting you. What you are describing sounds similar to me, I've battled anxiety most of my life and I also get OCD.

I’ll start with the fact that I’m in an excellent place now. I’m happy. I sleep. I’m healthy. I don’t have crazy emotional reactions to things. I can compartmentalize.

I was able to achieve this without taking any time off, but I was incredibly honest and open with my therapist (which was cathartic) and it took a lot of effort on my part to make these healthy changes.

I used to be very overwhelmed by all details in my life and would get upset about not having taken care of everything on lists that I would make. I’d start working on them and I wouldn’t be able to stop and I would never be satisfied with my progress. I also had a really f’d up timeline for my life with milestones that I kept missing and I felt I was in the wrong place. When I was turning 29, I was a mess and started going to a therapist. I couldn’t control my emotions, I was crying at the drop of a hat.

I started going to a therapist. Her first action help me get on a low dose of Prozac (I used to use valium periodically but I didn't like being on it) and I felt fine on it and it smoothed out my jitteriness. Then she helped me really focus on how to allocate my energy and prioritize. It's not important to have everything done immediately, just to have a plan and direction on how to accomplish what I need to in the long term.

Something clicked in that time frame and I've been REALLY good for the past few years. No medication. Overall, FI thinks I'm really laid back, sometimes too laid back. He doesn't understand why I don't really sweat the small things overall.

However, I DO have things that will trigger my anxiety periodically. Often, I'll feel like cleaning or reorganizing something. Sometimes I have an episode. I try to tell FI just to leave me alone and let me get over it but he's not very good at that yet. He gets upset with me for thinking irrationally. Duh, I recognize that...and you pointing it out is not helpful. Leave me alone. This is very rare - maybe 3 times in 2.5 years... for me.

I feel for you and I really wish you success in this. I'm here to support you too, feel free to PM me if you need to vent or want perspective.

Ro041 · May 2013

Mental health issues are hard to deal with. I decided to deal with mine because I saw how my mental health affected my relationship with FI. It was taking a toll on him, so I knew I had to do something. I encourage you to take your mental health seriously.

For me, it was dealing with depression and a sexual assault over a decade old through therapy. My "bottle of happy" (zoloft) has helped to stabalize my moods and made me more relaxed over the little things that used to bug me before zoloft.

Put yourself first in this situation - if your FI is as supportive as mine is, your issues may be taking a toll on him that he doesn't want to talk about. Good luck!

Dreamergirl8812 · May 2013

I'm going to take a different tactic as others. As women, when we're stressed we always add stuff to our schedule - yoga, etc. Sometimes we just need to subtract from our schedule. See if he can pick up the kids from school, plan your meals so your weeknight dinners don't take as long, etc.

J&K10910 · May 2013

CMGr said:

Run to your psychiatrist. (I am assuming you have one!) Many anti-depressants can loose their effectiveness over time. Prozac, in particular, has a limited time of use, and when it quits you can get panic attacks.
I know it is a stressful time, but you probably need to adjust your medication!

Be careful with this. While you may need to adjust your meds if you're on them, I'd highly recommend doing everything you can to get a handle on it in other ways as well. Meds can help, but if you don't change your behavior, you're going to end up right back where you started.

I think you should be honest with your therapist. I think you should take the time, but I also think that before you do so, you should (perhaps with your therapist's help) come up with a plan to help you ACTUALLY get a handle on what's going on while you're off. Otherwise, it will just stress you out more to take the time off and not really get anything accomplished besides a short break.

If it's bad enough, you might want to look into disability benefits. That would help with the financial aspect if you feel you need to take a more extended period off work.

I also think that you really, really need to take the time now to establish a good self care routine.

nextrightthing · May 2013

Just wanted to add, I think the best advice depends on what your diagnosis is and what has normally helped you in the past. For example, I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. While taking time off from work might help my anxiety, it would most assuredly make my depression worse. Isolating is something I tend to want to do when I'm depressed, but it is a self-perpetuating cycle. It doesn't help, it makes it worse.

That being said, if I'm struggling with depression, I do have to scale back in some areas and make adjustments. For me, that does sometimes mean adjusting meds. It also also means I have to make time for exercise....it helps with depression for me as much or more as the prozac! Other little things help, too, like making time for date night with FI and calling old trusted friends and refusing to listen to old nostalgic music that depresses me. Of course, being honest with your therapist is key here.

So I guess what I'm saying is, can you just scale back and add in some more taking care of yourself activities? That, combined with talking to your therapist, might help more than you think.

Hope things get better soon. You aren't alone! Mental illness is an evil biznatch.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

Thank you to those who shared their personal experiences. Hearing stories from people who've gone through similar things is very helpful.

Another thank you to Linger and Stage, for addressing that one comment so I didn't have to. I didn't know how to respond to that.

Medications aren't in the picture for me anymore. I was first diagnosed at age 14, and from the beginning was sent down a medication rolller coaster. I think I tried 2 dozen by the time I was 22, sometimes being on at 3 at once. I think most of them did more harm than good. I eventually tapered off and have been med-free for about 2 years. Overall, I feel much better without them. That plus a combination of significant, positive life changes have made a big difference in the past couple years.

I'll talk to my therapist when I see her tomorrow. I'm typically very good about being open and honest with her. Part of me probably doesn't want to admit that I'm struggling more, but I know from experience that brushing it off only makes it worse. I know how bad I can get, and I'll do anything to keep myself from going back there. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Thank you again!

MuppetFan · May 2013

Just want to disclose that I unloved that comment. I didn't realize that I loved it in the first place until I just re-read it and was horrified with my tag.

MuppetFan · May 2013

wittykitty14 said:

Thank you to those who shared their personal experiences. Hearing stories from people who've gone through similar things is very helpful.
Another thank you to Linger and Stage, for addressing that one comment so I didn't have to. I didn't know how to respond to that.
Medications aren't in the picture for me anymore. I was first diagnosed at age 14, and from the beginning was sent down a medication rolller coaster. I think I tried 2 dozen by the time I was 22, sometimes being on at 3 at once. I think most of them did more harm than good. I eventually tapered off and have been med-free for about 2 years. Overall, I feel much better without them. That plus a combination of significant, positive life changes have made a big difference in the past couple years.
I'll talk to my therapist when I see her tomorrow. I'm typically very good about being open and honest with her. Part of me probably doesn't want to admit that I'm struggling more, but I know from experience that brushing it off only makes it worse. I know how bad I can get, and I'll do anything to keep myself from going back there. I can't wait until tomorrow.
Thank you again!

I didn't want to admit that I had any issues years ago because while I noticed I had some issues, I was wicked productive and my house was immaculate from OCDing about it...I thought they were acceptable symptoms. It's hard to realize and admit that you're struggling, but I give you kudos for vocalizing it and noticing it.

I also feel better without drugs, but felt it was a good way to put a stopper on my emotions and tendencies so that I could make changes to deal with the issues etc..

Good luck!

ETA : i keep submitting before I'm ready....finished my comment

glitterunicorn13 · May 2013

I think you are very brave, seriously.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

I have terrible anxiety and depression and I understand so much of your post. While I *think* I understand where that one poster was coming from (I tend to get bad anxiety when I have too much on my plate and need to unload, but this isn't just "stress" for me, it's true anxiety) I think she was talking about more everyday stress. Which is fine for run of the mill stress, but this isn't it.

I'm tapering from a heavy duty medication right now and anxiety is a side effect. Usually I can control it but lately it's affecting me to the point that I can't take care of my two boys and it's getting in the way of FI and I's relationship. I said enough was enough and was honest with my therapist, admitted I need some type of medications and started making the lifestyle changes I need (eating healthy, sleeping, meditating, working through my anxiety vs. against it, etc).

You need to figure out what is going to mentally hurt more- stressing over not working, or trying to fix things while working. Only you know the answer to that, but your health and well being is #1. If you're not mentally well how will you continue to work? You'll just keep going in circles. If you can get this under control now do it, especially with such a considerate employer.

Mental health problems are not fun. Too many of us suffer from them. You CAN get through this! It WILL be worth it in the end. And all of us are here for you in the meantime, and after. I wish you only the best!

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