Maid of Honor Trouble :(

b14eeyore · May 2013

Hi all

I wanted to ask your advice about an issue I'm having with my maid of honor. I asked her to be my MOH 2 years ago when I got engaged and since then we've kind of grown apart. She lives on another island now (I'm from Hawai'i) and so the actual physical distance between us has added to that. When I tried to get together with her while visiting last Christmas, she bailed on me more than once (including not showing up to help me pick out my wedding dress). Now I can't get her to commit to even coming to the wedding. The only answer she'll give me is "I think I'm coming," which is a little scary at 67 days out! She says she is worried about the cost of travel, but when I offered to pay for her she kind of blew the idea off. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like the more I press her about it the less decisive she becomes. What would you guys do?

KatieNoon · May 2013

I would ask her if she is still interested in being your MOH or if she would rather someone else do it

crysspears · May 2013

Yeah, ask if she still wants to be in the wedding, if not allow her to come as a guest (If at all)...Its a tough topic, but you dont wanna add pressure. 67 days out, I probably wouldnt ask a replacement unless she was the only person in your BP and if the someone is someone you feel really comfortable with

b14eeyore · May 2013

In Response to Re: Maid of Honor Trouble

:
[QUOTE]Yeah, ask if she still wants to be in the wedding, if not allow her to come as a guest (If at all)...Its a tough topic, but you dont wanna add pressure. 67 days out, I probably wouldnt ask a replacement unless she was the only person in your BP and if the someone is someone you feel really comfortable with
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]
She is the only person in my BP

jenlynn1204 · May 2013

I am really sorry to hear that. I think you need to ask her if she still wants to be in the wedding. If she does, then she needs to find a way to be with you on your special day.

crysspears · May 2013

I'm sorry /: has there been anyone else over the past two years you've grown really close to? Maybe a sister? You can ask someone else if she doesn't want to anymore? If you explain the situation I'm sure they'll understand and would love to be by your side!

theretamaragoes · May 2013

I'm really sorry to hear this

I would just have a very straight forward conversation with her about it. It doesn't need to be bitchy or confrontational... just more, "I really get the feeling that you may not be so interested in being my MOH anymore. It's completely okay if you don't think you can do it... but with only 67 days left, I really just need to KNOW where you stand. I love you, and I won't let this get between us regardless."

AmJam04 · May 2013

I'm not trying to be rude, but please don't follow PP's advice.

Your friend is your friend. She may be going through something which prevents her from being able to completely commit to you. Have a talk with her - not as a bride talking to her MOH, but as a friend talking to a friend. See what's going on in her world, chat about silly things, whatever.

At the end of the day, all your MOH has to do is show up on your wedding day in her dress. I know she's your one and only BM, but that doesn't really change anything. Ultimately, it has to be 100% her decision whether or not she stays in your bridal party or not. And, if she does opt to back out, you can't just "replace" her. That will be a huge friendship-ending move. You don't have to have anyone by your side except your FI and the officiant!

If you DO decide to "call her out on it" just put it all in her court. Be like, friend, I know you've been going through a lot and I know it's a challenge to really be here for my big day. I don't want to put any pressure on you, so if you'd prefer to just come as a guest, I'm totally ok with that! But I would love to have you by my side and I'm willing to do X to have you here if that's what it takes!" And see what her response is...
If she pulls herself out, then you know what you are dealing with (but again, please don't "replace" her unless you intend to end your friendship). If she stays in, have faith that she will pull through and be there.

Good luck! I hope she comes!

b14eeyore · May 2013

Thanks for all the responses! You've all given me some great advice

I think I will try to be honest with her and ask if there's anything I can do to make it easier for her to be there. I don't think it would end our friendship if I ended up asking someone else (but only if she decides that she's not up to it). In fact, after I joked about flights being sold out by the time the day comes around she said "I'm sure you could find someone else." I know her saying that doesn't necessarily mean she'd be 100% okay with it, but honestly, I'm not sure there's really much left to our friendship anyway

Nonetheless, I will broach the subject with sensitivity and understanding

Thanks all!!

emineminem · May 2013

TOTALLY agree with AmJam! Just take some time to reconnect as a friend... I went through a similar growing apart phase with my MOH when she moved to SoCal (I'm in NorCal) and then she came and visited and it felt just like old times. Don't count her out, if she's that close of a friend, chances are she is just lost and unsure of how to be a MOH, especially if she hasn't done it before...good luck HTH!

avolker1 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Trouble ::[QUOTE]TOTALLY agree with AmJam! Just take some time to reconnect as a friend... I went through a similar growing apart phase with my MOH when she moved to SoCal I'm in NorCal and then she came and visited and it felt just like old times. Don't count her out, if she's that close of a friend, chances are she is just lost and unsure of how to be a MOH, especially if she hasn't done it before...good luck HTH! Posted by missquela[/QUOTE] I agree with amjam and missquela. Even if your moh wouldn't care if you replaced her, it will be obvious to the replacement that they were second choice and just a spot filler. I know I wouldn't be honored to be asked to be someone's moh at only 67 days away. I'm sorry you're going through this but maybe you guys just need to reconnect. Most of my bridal party is on the other side of the country and I go periods of time not talking with them because we all are busy but when we do talk it's like no time has passed.

Belle0720 · May 2013

Ditto AmJam, Missquela, & Avolker. It sounds like your friendship is a bit strained right now and telling her you don't want her in the wedding before is only going to make it worse. I know you want to figure out if she's going to be there or not, but I think it's more important to focus on your friendship first. And if she decides she isn't up to being your MOH, don't replace her. That would probably be hurtful to both her and whoever you decide is the runner up. You don't need a bridal party at all to get married, as long as you end up marrying your FI, it's going to be the best day ever!

b14eeyore · May 2013

Just wanted to give an update: I left a message for my friend (it's the only way I can communicate with her...she doesn't answer her phone) letting her know (in a very nice way) that I needed to know if she was going to come to the wedding and that I would be happy to pay for her flight, but that we'd have to book soon since flights were selling out and getting very expensive. A week later she messaged me back saying that she didn't think she could make it because she couldn't find any flights that would work around her work schedule. So, ultimately I left it up to her whether or not she would come and she decided not to. I don't know if she could have scheduled the time off in advance, but either way she didn't. I asked another of my friends to be my maid of honor and she's really excited, and doesn't feel like a replacement in the least. She knows all about the trouble I've had with my other friend over the last year or so (not just with wedding stuff) and she's been a great friend to me over the last 2 years. I just wanted to share this in case any future brides find this post looking for help in a similar situation. My advice: You know yourself and your friends/family the best. Do what you think is right and things will turn out for the best. Thanks for everyone's advice!

dem068 · May 2013

glad it worked out!

drg424 · May 2013

Me too! Now you can move on and enjoy your day with people who support you!

Maid of Honor Trouble :(

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