Sister is... Aloof? It's a long one. Sorry.

Poppy86CM · May 2013

Hi Ladies,

You were all very helpful in guiding me towards an answer on a previous post about an evening reception (which has since been dealt with and everyone is happy, no one's offended, so a win win all around), so I am here for help again. This time with a proper username, not my email scrawled across the page.

My question today is regarding my sister and her involvement, or I suppose lack thereof with regards to my wedding. We aren't as close as we used to be, but our relationship has been improving over the last couple years, and I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though I suppose I feel a bit slighted myself.

When my fiance and I got engaged last Christmas, I told S that we were getting married in England and she said it would need to be at least 2 years away if I wanted her to be able to afford to come, and even then it would be iffy. And that was kind of the end of that conversation. She has a young daughter so I understood the need to save up to come over for the wedding, I know it's a big thing to ask people to travel to another country for a wedding. Between mine and my fiance's schedule, we decided on what would end up being a 20 month engagement (we wanted to be married in the late summer), and hoped that the 4 months wouldn't break the bank for my sister.

Whenever I spoke about the wedding following that, she was quick to change the subject and we never got to have those fun conversations about the wedding plans, and she lives in another province from me so it made involving her tricky, but not impossible. My mum lives in the same province as my sister and has been very involved with planning. She's even making my thank you cards because she loves to stamp.

When the time came to choose my wedding party, I phoned my sister asking her to be one of my bridesmaids. She was very hurt and asked why I didn't ask her to be my MOH. I told her that with the wedding taking place in England, I will be relying on the help of my fiance's family to assist with planning, and his sister and I are very close. I told her that I had asked FSIL to be my MOH because S wasn't even sure if she would be able to come, and FSIL had been so very helpful with viewing venues, sourcing vendors and even wanting to throw a hen party for me (which is a lovely gesture).

The thing is, we're having a small ceremony and reception here in my village for Thanksgiving weekend for my family and our friends that aren't able to make it and I've asked S to stand up for me for that, and even then she is going to be 32 weeks pregnant so is not sure if she can make that one (understandably. I wouldn't want to travel if I were that pregnant), so I'm not sure how to handle this gracefully. I want her to be included, and I think she does as well, based on her reaction to what happened with the MOH thing. When she got engaged, she chose a close friend to be her MOH and asked me to be a BM which I was very excited for. So I just feel like something does not compute.

How do I sort this out tactfully?

MuppetFan · May 2013

Are you having two receptions and ceremonies?

If that's the case and I'm reading that right, you're going to get a lot of slack on here about that and suggestions to have one wedding and perhaps one celebration sans ceremony, cake, dress...etc.

Also, if that's the case... well there should be no wedding party for fake wedding.

Otherwise, plan your wedding as you're going to. If you sister comes, she comes. If she doesn't, she doesn't for whatever her reasons are. You asked her to be a bridesmaid, she can accept or decline. You shouldn't feel bad about not making her MOH. You clearly don't have the relationship for her to be your MOH.

allispain · May 2013

Given the fact that she specifically told you previously that it was "iffy" as to whether she would even come to the wedding, based on cost and distance, I think it made perfect sense to ask someone else to be your MOH. I have a dear friend who I didn't ask to be a BM specifically because I knew she wouldn't know her work schedule until last minute, and I didn't want her to buy the dress, book the hotel, etc. and then find out she couldn't come and lose all that money.

However, I also think it might be nice to ask your sister if, for example, she could do a ceremony reading that is meaningful to you. That's a nice way of including her in a standout way - both BM and reader.

Poppy86CM · May 2013

Sorry @MuppetFan, but I would be more worried about upsetting my Gran and extended family who are not able to join us at our wedding in England before I worried about what you guys thought of me having a second reception. If I want to wear my dress again, I will. If I want to wear my dress to go pick up my mail, I will. I'm not worried about receiving flack about that, because I didn't ask for your opinion on it. :-)

I suppose it would be considered two ceremonies, although it's just my uncle officiating our ceremony here, which will be attended by family and close friends who aren't able to come to England.

We aren't having a wedding party, as such, for our Canadian reception or "fake wedding" as you politely put it. I've asked my sister to stand up with me during the ceremony because she's my sister and I love her and I want her to be a part of the day if she is not able to come to my "official" (for lack of a better word) wedding in England.

Poppy86CM · May 2013

@allispain, I think that's a lovely idea. Thanks. :-)

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

You're welcome not to like our opinions on things, but please understand people will still give them. And, while in understand your reasoning behind two....ceremonies or whatever the second thing in Canada is going to be called....one of the consequences of choosing a DW, as you have done, is that people's feelings will get hurt.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I wasn't being rude to you. I took the time to read your whole message and I gave you a thoughtful response.

The people who stand with you at your wedding = your wedding party...which would indicate that you are asking your sister to be in your wedding party for your Canadian "event".

MuppetFan · May 2013

Hi Ladies,

You were all very helpful in guiding me towards an answer on a previous post about an evening reception (which has since been dealt with and everyone is happy, no one's offended, so a win win all around), so I am here for help again. This time with a proper username, not my email scrawled across the page.

My question today is regarding my sister and her involvement, or I suppose lack thereof with regards to my wedding. We aren't as close as we used to be, but our relationship has been improving over the last couple years, and I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though I suppose I feel a bit slighted myself.

When my fiance and I got engaged last Christmas, I told S that we were getting married in England and she said it would need to be at least 2 years away if I wanted her to be able to afford to come, and even then it would be iffy. And that was kind of the end of that conversation. She has a young daughter so I understood the need to save up to come over for the wedding, I know it's a big thing to ask people to travel to another country for a wedding. Between mine and my fiance's schedule, we decided on what would end up being a 20 month engagement (we wanted to be married in the late summer), and hoped that the 4 months wouldn't break the bank for my sister.

Whenever I spoke about the wedding following that, she was quick to change the subject and we never got to have those fun conversations about the wedding plans, and she lives in another province from me so it made involving her tricky, but not impossible. My mum lives in the same province as my sister and has been very involved with planning. She's even making my thank you cards because she loves to stamp.

When the time came to choose my wedding party, I phoned my sister asking her to be one of my bridesmaids. She was very hurt and asked why I didn't ask her to be my MOH. I told her that with the wedding taking place in England, I will be relying on the help of my fiance's family to assist with planning, and his sister and I are very close. I told her that I had asked FSIL to be my MOH because S wasn't even sure if she would be able to come, and FSIL had been so very helpful with viewing venues, sourcing vendors and even wanting to throw a hen party for me (which is a lovely gesture).

The thing is, we're having a small ceremony and reception here in my village for Thanksgiving weekend for my family and our friends that aren't able to make it and I've asked S to stand up for me for that, and even then she is going to be 32 weeks pregnant so is not sure if she can make that one (understandably. I wouldn't want to travel if I were that pregnant), so I'm not sure how to handle this gracefully. I want her to be included, and I think she does as well, based on her reaction to what happened with the MOH thing. When she got engaged, she chose a close friend to be her MOH and asked me to be a BM which I was very excited for. So I just feel like something does not compute.

How do I sort this out tactfully?

-JIC-

Poppy86CM · May 2013

Gosh, I never called you rude. Not mincing words, or being a bit impolite is not the same as being out and out rude, so no hard feelings there. I appreciate that you read the whole message, and offered your insight. I totally understand that people will give opinions, even unsolicited ones on non-relevant topics. And I got a really helpful solution to my problem from allispain, which is precisely what I was looking for. But I really appreciate your opinion on my fake wedding event.

Poppy86CM · May 2013

I asked her because we are close, as mentioned in my original post though I understand it is inconvenient for you to leave that out. I agree it would be in very poor taste for me to ask FSIL because she was "throwing me a party", so I guess it's a good thing that this wasn't a defining factor.

My goodness you ladies are just on a roll today aren't you?

MuppetFan · May 2013

You also said the other things though. There's no roll. You presented the information to us.

hgminor · May 2013

scribe95 said:

First off I found your post about wearing the dress to get the mail dismissive and rude.

On the actual post though, if I were your sister I would definitely be hurt that you chose your FSIL over me. It might not be rational but I would be hurt. Especially since the reasons you gave are essentially - she is helping me with the wedding and you aren't. That is lame.

I would just leave the offer to be a bridesmaid on the table and leave the ball in her court.

This... I agree that your sister is allowed to feel hurt. It doesn't make you wrong for choosing FSIL, as long as it's because she is really your closest friend.

I would also just leave the offer of her being a BM, but not add the reading part. It sounds like she isn't sure she can make it to either. You can always still think of her and keep her name in programs as a BM, but I wouldn't want to put the stress on her of asking her to read when she isn't sure she can make it, or have the stress on me of replacing her when I find she can't make it.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

Poppy86CM said:

....When the time came to choose my wedding party, I phoned my sister asking her to be one of my bridesmaids. She was very hurt and asked why I didn't ask her to be my MOH. I told her that with the wedding taking place in England, I will be relying on the help of my fiance's family to assist with planning, and his sister and I are very close. I told her that I had asked FSIL to be my MOH because S wasn't even sure if she would be able to come, and FSIL had been so very helpful with viewing venues, sourcing vendors and even wanting to throw a hen party for me (which is a lovely gesture).

The thing is, we're having a small ceremony and reception here in my village for Thanksgiving weekend for my family and our friends that aren't able to make it and I've asked S to stand up for me for that, and even then she is going to be 32 weeks pregnant so is not sure if she can make that one (understandably. I wouldn't want to travel if I were that pregnant), so I'm not sure how to handle this gracefully. I want her to be included, and I think she does as well, based on her reaction to what happened with the MOH thing. When she got engaged, she chose a close friend to be her MOH and asked me to be a BM which I was very excited for. So I just feel like something does not compute.

How do I sort this out tactfully?

You did flat out tell her that because you are closer to FSIL AND because she is also more involved and planned a party for you that you asked her to be your MOH. You should have left out the last part. She has every reason to be upset for that reason. For not being chosen based on closeness, no, she needs to get over that part. And that's all you should have told her.

I'm also confused about why you're getting married in the UK when you live in Canada? Why not just have the wedding in UK and throw a big party when you get back? You will do whatever you want, but if you don't want opinions on such things don't mention them on here. I just wouldn't reply if you're going to get a bit cross about it.

I think you've gotten some really good advice though. Is there anyway you can help you sister come to the wedding if you really want her there? I love the ceremony reading idea, but I'd wonder if now she'd feel like you're just scattering to find her a role and would end up more offended in the long run. Asking to be a BM is an honor and important in its own right though, so she can accept or decline.

loganandmara · May 2013

You also have the option of having two MOHs if it's something you want to do. A lot of people do it an there's no rule against it. Just throwing it out there.

kerbohl · May 2013

scribe95 said:

First off I found your post about wearing the dress to get the mail dismissive and rude.

On the actual post though, if I were your sister I would definitely be hurt that you chose your FSIL over me. It might not be rational but I would be hurt. Especially since the reasons you gave are essentially - she is helping me with the wedding and you aren't. That is lame.

I would just leave the offer to be a bridesmaid on the table and leave the ball in her court.

I get where you are coming from, but I have always found it odd that in cases of having a wedding reception in one place and then a party celebrating the wedding at another time and place, posters here are very against the newly married bride wearing her wedding dress again. This is a dress that most people only get to wear once, and here is a viable reason to wear it again, a party celebrating your recent marriage. Personally I would wear it again, though wearing it to get the mail might risk being sent to an insane asylum - depends who sees you and what conclusions they draw. I am not having two events celebrating my wedding, so I wouldn't get the chance, but if I was getting married in one country and then celebrating with friends and family who couldn't attend in another, why not wear the poufy dress again?

OP, I can see your sister being hurt, but you are close to your FSIL and therefore you have reason to include her as MOH. Your sister should recognize that, especially since she also had someone other than you as a MOH. Sure, she can be hurt, but hopefully it doesn't go farther than that and she starts to resent you.

MuppetFan · May 2013

kerbohl said:

scribe95 said:

First off I found your post about wearing the dress to get the mail dismissive and rude.

On the actual post though, if I were your sister I would definitely be hurt that you chose your FSIL over me. It might not be rational but I would be hurt. Especially since the reasons you gave are essentially - she is helping me with the wedding and you aren't. That is lame.

I would just leave the offer to be a bridesmaid on the table and leave the ball in her court.

I get where you are coming from, but I have always found it odd that in cases of having a wedding reception in one place and then a party celebrating the wedding at another time and place, posters here are very against the newly married bride wearing her wedding dress again. This is a dress that most people only get to wear once, and here is a viable reason to wear it again, a party celebrating your recent marriage. Personally I would wear it again, though wearing it to get the mail might risk being sent to an insane asylum - depends who sees you and what conclusions they draw. I am not having two events celebrating my wedding, so I wouldn't get the chance, but if I was getting married in one country and then celebrating with friends and family who couldn't attend in another, why not wear the poufy dress again?

OP, I can see your sister being hurt, but you are close to your FSIL and therefore you have reason to include her as MOH. Your sister should recognize that, especially since she also had someone other than you as a MOH. Sure, she can be hurt, but hopefully it doesn't go farther than that and she starts to resent you.

She's not having a party to celebrate her recent marriage. She's having a wedding one in Canada with exchange of vows, her sister will stand with her, cake, dress, etc... because her gram and family local would be upset with her if she doesn't because they can't make her wedding in the UK.

So then she's going to UK and will do it all over again, but the vows will be legally binding there.

It's a reverse PPD.

lennonkdc · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

She's not having a party to celebrate her recent marriage. She's having a wedding one in Canada with exchange of vows, her sister will stand with her, cake, dress, etc... because her gram and family local would be upset with her if she doesn't because they can't make her wedding in the UK.

So then she's going to UK and will do it all over again, but the vows will be legally binding there.

It's a reverse PPD.

A Pre-PPD if you will...

freebread03 · May 2013

Awww OP I think it's cute you're having 1 real wedding and 1 fake wedding.

bbbb78 · May 2013

I read your whole post and I'm confused about what exactly needs to be sorted out? Your sister was offended not to be your MOH but then you explained your rationale and now she may or may not be too pregnant for one of your two ceremonies?

I'm just at a loss over what exactly the problem is here other than the fact that you wish your sister was happier about everything going on with your wedding. It sounds like she has some justifiable reasons for being wishy washy (money and a uterus full of baby) and it sounds like you have some justifiable reasons for not making her your MOH (she is only MAYBE going to be able to attend the wedding at all).

It seems like you are just upset that your sister has negative feelings. You're not going to be able to please everyone all the time and since you can't control your sister and make her get over negative feelings, you're going to have to be the one to get over it.

note: obviously i don't know your entire situation and so there may or may not be good reasons for the whole england thing, but the fact of the matter is destination weddings are a huge pain in the a$$ for most people. as you mentioned, your grandma won't be able to attend your wedding and your sister may or may not be able to do so either. to me there seems like a hugely easy solution to everyone's problems: don't get married thousands of miles away from everyone you want to be there.

kerbohl · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

kerbohl said:

scribe95 said:

First off I found your post about wearing the dress to get the mail dismissive and rude.

On the actual post though, if I were your sister I would definitely be hurt that you chose your FSIL over me. It might not be rational but I would be hurt. Especially since the reasons you gave are essentially - she is helping me with the wedding and you aren't. That is lame.

I would just leave the offer to be a bridesmaid on the table and leave the ball in her court.

I get where you are coming from, but I have always found it odd that in cases of having a wedding reception in one place and then a party celebrating the wedding at another time and place, posters here are very against the newly married bride wearing her wedding dress again. This is a dress that most people only get to wear once, and here is a viable reason to wear it again, a party celebrating your recent marriage. Personally I would wear it again, though wearing it to get the mail might risk being sent to an insane asylum - depends who sees you and what conclusions they draw. I am not having two events celebrating my wedding, so I wouldn't get the chance, but if I was getting married in one country and then celebrating with friends and family who couldn't attend in another, why not wear the poufy dress again?

OP, I can see your sister being hurt, but you are close to your FSIL and therefore you have reason to include her as MOH. Your sister should recognize that, especially since she also had someone other than you as a MOH. Sure, she can be hurt, but hopefully it doesn't go farther than that and she starts to resent you.

She's not having a party to celebrate her recent marriage. She's having a wedding one in Canada with exchange of vows, her sister will stand with her, cake, dress, etc... because her gram and family local would be upset with her if she doesn't because they can't make her wedding in the UK.

So then she's going to UK and will do it all over again, but the vows will be legally binding there.

It's a reverse PPD.

Oh, I see. Interesting way of doing it. There is no way to set up a Skype date for her grandmother to see the actual wedding?

Poppy86CM · May 2013

I think setting up Skype is a really great idea, and I will definitely look into it. I also like the idea of a reading at the Canadian ceremony (which is happening in October, so a few months after the legally binding wedding in England). The reason we are getting married in England is because FI's family is going through some hard times financially and no one would be able to come to Canada, if we were to get married here. His granddad's health is also starting to falter and would likely be the last opportunity to see him. He is a permanent resident (Canadian equivalent of green card) of Canada and has missed every Christmas and birthday with his family for 6 years. He has nephews he hasn't met yet. It was a difficult decision to get married in UK as opposed to Canada, but the fact of the matter is, either way there are going to be family that are not going to be able to make it, and I couldn't make the decision based solely on what would please me or my family. This is important to him, too.

The issue I had, which I have gotten some awesome advice on, is what are some things I could do to involve S, without making her feel like second fiddle. I think she would be very receptive to doing a reading, if she can make it. She is very into her bible study and I think she would like this very much.

Just to clear up any confusion, the Canadian event is most definitely a party to celebrate our recent marriage, and we are doing a small ceremony for family and friends who won't be there to witness the legal wedding. This is the ceremony I've asked my sister to be a sort of MOH for, as she is not coming to the UK one.

Sorry if I offended with my dress/mail comment. Sometimes my sense of humour is a bit dry and I can see how it could come across as rude towards Muppet, so apologies. I guess I'm just confused as to why I'm not supposed to wear my dress again, as it doesn't really affect anyone?

Thanks for everyone's input, I am going to try and make the Skype date happen, providing they want to get up at 6am to watch it ;-).

MuppetFan · May 2013

oh, I was wrong, it is a PPD.

The advice is to not have a 2nd wedding. You've already said your vows elsewhere and are already married. The reasoning is yours and that's fine, there's no issue with the logic on getting married abroad. It's just that there are still consequences to your local family about it. The second time you do it is just for show. We are suggesting you set it up (i.e. with skype) so that people in Canada can see your wedding live and be part of the real moment...and then come home and have a celebration party - less re-enactment.

The the second, re-enactment wedding is called a "pretty princess day". I didn't invent the term and I don't apply it to offend you. You can wear your dress as much as you want, I really don't care what you do. I'm just trying to help you see how it comes across to others.

Sister is... Aloof? It's a long one. Sorry.

Re: Sister is... Aloof? It's a long one. Sorry.

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