Wedding related Parties?

themrsbishop133 · May 2013

I have a question about sending out the wedding shower invites.

We are having a very small, immediate family only wedding/dinner; about 28 people total. I'm wondering if extended family, friends or coworkers are traditionally invited to showers or other wedding related parties even though they are not being invited to the wedding?

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

AJuliaNJ · May 2013

Definitely not. Exactly the opposite.

loca4pook · May 2013

everyone invited to the showere should be invited to the wedding

themrsbishop133 · May 2013

That's what I figured but I wasn't really sure. Thanks s much for the info

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Ditto to PP, huge insult to invite someone to give you cash and gifts, then shut them out of the actual wedding. No bueno.

Jen4948 · May 2013

Like everyone says, if you invite someone to a pre- or post-wedding party, you must invite them to the wedding.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Exception to the co-worker shower only issue I think is if your co-workers decide on their own to throw you a surprise shower to celebrate your upcoming wedding. I believe it's the exception because their not being invited to a wedding organized by someone else, it's them just organizing an at work event to wish you well.

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

Just found this on the new Wedding Wire Summer Book in regards to the question that I asked. I think I will be going with this advice!

It is the second question from Melissa.

rajahmd · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:
Just found this on the new Wedding Wire Summer Book in regards to the question that I asked. I think I will be going with this advice!
It is the second question from Melissa.

Nope. Sorry. There is no exception. If someone isn't good enough to witness your vows, it's insulting to invite a party where the sole purpose is to shower you with gifts in celebration of those vows. If people want to give you something, they will without you needing to have a shower. And if they don't want to, then they won't come to the shower.

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

I just have to chuckle reading your replies to my post

misshart00 · June 2013

If you were going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you ask?

Simply Fated · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

I just have to chuckle reading your replies to my post

Why are the replies amusing to you?

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

I never said that I was going to do what I wanted. I appreciate the different suggestions that everyone has to give

I just think its funny because the article/response is from a Wedding related website but yet people are still disagreeing with that suggestion.

misshart00 · June 2013

Because of course the wedding industry is going to promote you or your guests spending more money on your wedding. That's where they get advertising money. And you did say "I think I'll be going with this advice" in response to the article. That pretty much says you'll do what you want.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

misshart00 said:

If you were going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you ask?

You beat me to it.

I'm a lurker 90% of the time but this has got to be the most annoying thing ever, and I'm not even the one giving advice. You're just wasting the time of these people who are trying to give you the advice you ASKED FOR.

rajahmd · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:
I never said that I was going to do what I wanted. I appreciate the different suggestions that everyone has to give
I just think its funny because the article/response is from a Wedding related website but yet people are still disagreeing with that suggestion.

I still don't get it. We're not in the wedding industry. We just know the etiquette. We're probsbly better than a wedding related site because we aren't biased. Just because this is a forum on a wedding related website doesn't mean we have to agree with the wedding industry. It's not like it was a wedding etiquette site. Just a pure wedding site with the goal of getting the collective you to spend as much money as possible.

QueerFemme · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

Just found this on the new Wedding Wire Summer Book in regards to the question that I asked. I think I will be going with this advice!
It is the second question from Melissa.

Wedding related websites are rarely knowledgable on proper etiquette. Here on the knot, they advertise honeymoon registries, cash bars, etc. And it's a "wedding website".

Inviting someone to a pre-wedding shower and not the wedding is rude. There is no exception.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

oh yeah I am being a total bother! If my post bothers you so much stop reading and pass to the next post!

BTW, this is my first post EVER on here so I can tell I am definitely bugging EVERYONE on here!

Peledreamsofrain said:

Meh, go be rude to your guests and to the people you are farming for gifts. We don't care, just stop bugging everyone here about it.

aurianna · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

oh yeah I am being a total bother! If my post bothers you so much stop reading and pass to the next post!
BTW, this is my first post EVER on here so I can tell I am definitely bugging EVERYONE on here!

Peledreamsofrain said:

Meh, go be rude to your guests and to the people you are farming for gifts. We don't care, just stop bugging everyone here about it.

I'm sorry if you're upset.
But you did come on here, ask these ladies' advice, and despite its being correct you didn't like that advice, so you went and found something random to support your bad plans and pretty much said "I've decided that you're all wrong and I'll rub it in by linking this noncredible source." And then when people here continued to give the correct advice you said you found the posts amusing which definitely came across as condescending.

Everyone was very polite giving you the correct advice, even after you initially told them you were going to ignore it.

I'd just step back a minute.

If you're really going to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding, I'd write the invitations like this:

"Even though I do not feel close enough to you to let you see my vows or let you eat my food, please come bring me a present in preparation for the wedding you are not invited to."

Because that's exactly what inviting non-wedding-invitees to a shower is.
Some people have the incorrect assumption that family members still want to participate in the wedding so inviting them to the shower is some sort of nice gesture. It isn't. Instead, host a nice, non-wedding related party/open house a few months later and invite your family.

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

aurianna said:Instead, host a nice, non-wedding related party/open house a few months later and invite your family.
Thank you for this suggestion at the end of your post. Its nice to have another idea of what we can do to include the rest of our family.
The only reason we are having such a small wedding is due to finances but I would still love to include everyone. FH has a huge extended family and he is close to all of them.
But again, thank you for another suggestion! It is appreciated

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

Also thank you very much for the different suggestions to include our family!
By no means do I ONLY want to have a shower for gifts. We already live together and have more that what we need as far as gifts, I just wanted to include our families in the celebration but not having the cost of 36$ a plate for a dinner reception. We are already only planning a dinner and no dance to help with the cost.
RetreadBride said:

Weddings are a big industry. Everyone wants a piece of them - dress shops, shoe stores, jewelers, travel agents, department stores, hair salons. They will do anything to get it. They don't care if their advice is rude, because they're finished with you once your wedding is over. If you offended your friends or relatives - big deal. You're married, and they can't make any more money off you as a bride. So what?

Think about it this way: "I can't invite you to my wedding, but I'll invite you to this party so you can come and celebrate wonderful me, me, me and spend the money you made working at your job to buy me a present!"

How is that an honor or a privilege of any kind TO YOUR GUEST????

Everybody knows, especially in these tough economic times, that a couple can't invite every single person they know to their wedding, or even everyone they would love to have there. Some folks may be a little disappointed, but their lives won't end.

If you want to celebrate with them later, have a housewarming party. It's EXPECTED for a couple to host their own housewarming. (Just don't register.) Have a barbecue in your backyard, or a dinner party. "We're home now, and married, and can't wait to celebrate with our friends as a couple. How about coming over on Sunday for a pool party with your kids?"

Anyone who wants to give you a wedding gift is free to do so, regardless of invitation status. We got gifts from people who weren't invited (complete surprise!) and heard about our wedding much later. In fact, people have up to a year after the wedding to send gifts.

You can celebrate. Just don't invite anyone who isn't a guest to a wedding-related function.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

In regards to your post just above this, again, you cannot give yourself a shower.

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

That is by no means what I was saying AT ALL!!

Jen4948 · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

Also thank you very much for the different suggestions to include our family!
By no means do I ONLY want to have a shower for gifts. We already live together and have more that what we need as far as gifts, I just wanted to include our families in the celebration but not having the cost of 36$ a plate for a dinner reception. We are already only planning a dinner and no dance to help with the cost.

It doesn't matter why you want a shower. It is rude to throw yourself a party where gifts are expected from the guests or to invite anyone to a wedding-related party but not the wedding. It makes you look grabby and sends the message "You're not important enough to me to invite to my wedding, but you are important enough for me to invite you to a lesser party to get a gift from you!" whether that's your intention or not.

themrsbishop133 · June 2013

OMG!!!!!
I think there are too many people on here that take Everything someone says so literally! I asked a question and by no means wanted to get my head chewed off and pretty much told that I was being selfish!
I am by no means selfish! I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE AND WOULD NEVER EXPECT GIFTS!
Sorry everyone takes things so literally on here but thank you for the opinion and suggestions.

Jen4948 said:

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

Also thank you very much for the different suggestions to include our family!
By no means do I ONLY want to have a shower for gifts. We already live together and have more that what we need as far as gifts, I just wanted to include our families in the celebration but not having the cost of 36$ a plate for a dinner reception. We are already only planning a dinner and no dance to help with the cost.

It doesn't matter why you want a shower. It is rude to throw yourself a party where gifts are expected from the guests or to invite anyone to a wedding-related party but not the wedding. It makes you look grabby and sends the message "You're not important enough to me to invite to my wedding, but you are important enough for me to invite you to a lesser party to get a gift from you!" whether that's your intention or not.

Jen4948 · June 2013

FutureMrsBishop133 said:

OMG!!!!!
I think there are too many people on here that take Everything someone says so literally! I asked a question and by no means wanted to get my head chewed off and pretty much told that I was being selfish!
I am by no means selfish! I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE AND WOULD NEVER EXPECT GIFTS!
Sorry everyone takes things so literally on here but thank you for the opinion and suggestions.

Then have a party that doesn't imply gift-giving. Showers do this inherently. And either limit your guest list to whoever is invited to the wedding, or make clear that it is not wedding-related. And yes, we are going to take you literally. Since we don't know you personally, how else should we take you?

QueerFemme · June 2013

if you truly want to include more people, why don't you have a more budget friendly wedding? You can host an afternoon wedding, with snacks, cake and punch only. You can hold it at a community center or VFW hall for very cheap. There are a ton of ways to do a wedding cheaper, so you can include the guests you want to include, rather than hosting a tiny wedding now and a bigger party later.

aurianna · June 2013

cmgilpin said:

if you truly want to include more people, why don't you have a more budget friendly wedding? You can host an afternoon wedding, with snacks, cake and punch only. You can hold it at a community center or VFW hall for very cheap. There are a ton of ways to do a wedding cheaper, so you can include the guests you want to include, rather than hosting a tiny wedding now and a bigger party later.

This.

I totally understand wanting a wedding at a certain venue.. having a certain vision. It's natural. And it's totally ok.

However sometimes one has to make choices/sacrifices.
A more expensive venue = a smaller guest list.
A smaller guest list = small or non-existence pre-wedding parties

If you want a $36 a plate wedding you have to have less guests and less family involved in the wedding and the wedding events.

If you want more people involved in the wedding and wedding events, you need a less expensive venue (or cut other corners like your dress and decor).

Unfortunately those are the only options. Engagement parties, showers and Bacherlorette parties only exist because of the wedding; therefore you can't invite anyone to these parties if they aren't also invited to the wedding.

Having to make the decision sucks. But that's part of being an adult.

These are your only wedding related options:
Less expensive wedding, all the family included, possibly parties like showers.
or
Expensive wedding, only a few people included, likely no parties or showers

But no matter which road you choose, you still have the option to throw a non-wedding related party at a later date, which is always fun.

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