A Variety of Questions

VadersValkyrie · May 2013

1. FH has a son, who will be six at the time of the wedding. Son will be our ring bearer, but I'd like to get him a little "thank you for letting me be your step-mom" present. Thoughts?

2. FH's parents are divorced. Mom is remarried; Dad is living with someone. Who gets flowers?

Also, I'm seeing a lot of debate about SOs of guests. We are inviting my cousin's husband, but none of the other over-21 cousins are married, so we aren't inviting their SOs. I get that SOs aren't determined by the bride and groom, but we don't know anyone's SOs, other than the husband.

Thanks.

AddieCake · May 2013

1. Get him a present for being the ring bearer, not for him letting you be his stepmom. That's awkward. 2. Mom and Dad for sure, nice gesture for the SOs. 3. You need to invite any SOs; would you like to be invited to a wedding and have your fiance not be invited? Who cares if you know them or not? I didn't know some of the husbands of people we invited.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

AddieL73 said:

1. Get him a present for being the ring bearer, not for him letting you be his stepmom. That's awkward. 2. Mom and Dad for sure, nice gesture for the SOs. 3. You need to invite any SOs; would you like to be invited to a wedding and have your fiance not be invited? Who cares if you know them or not? I didn't know some of the husbands of people we invited.

All of that. Invite them all. It doesn't matter if you like them or know them. You like the people you DO know, so you are making THEM happy by inviting their SO.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

I co-sign Addie's post. And I add the comment that getting your FSS a gift to "thank you for letting me be your step-mom" (your words) is really, quite frankly, a horrible idea. He doesn't have a say in this. He may like you well enough, he may be glad you're marrying his father, but he has had no say in the unaccountable whim that has attracted his father to you and forever altered the dynamics of his world.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

1) If you want to give him a special present for him "letting" you be his stepmom (which is kind of a lie, I'm sure if he didn't want you to be his SM and told y'all you'd most likely still be getting married), why don't you just do something special with him after the wedding? Like a SM & Me outing? Time and love from a step-parent is more important than a present.

2) It's better to err on the side of caution with this one and get them all bouts/corsages.

3) At one point you and FI were just dating. How would you feel if you weren't invited to a major social event because you weren't married? Invite their SOs if they are dating someone by the time invites go out, but don't feel obligated to extend +1's to truly single guests.

allispain · May 2013

Ditto.

I would just like to add, several years ago three of my friends were invited to a colleague's wedding. One friend was married, the others were in long-term relationships (year and a half or so). The married one's husband was invited. The other two were invited alone (no SOs). They were given the reason that "we're only inviting those who are married or engaged." Needless to say, they were upset but still attended the wedding. Flash forward to now. One's getting married in July, the other in November. Colleague and her husband aren't invited to either wedding, because after feeling snubbed and like their relationships weren't important, their friendships with her went downhill. Maybe some might find it a silly reason, but they felt like they were being told being committed wasn't good enough, you have to get married.

Just saying, you probably don't want this to happen to you.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I know what you're getting at with your first question, I think I understand your intentions, and your heart is in the right place. But just get him a thank you gift for being a ring bearer.

And, of course, I echo all other posters on #3. It would be very rude not to invite their SOs.

radleyboo · May 2013

1. FI and I have 4 children between us. We bought all 4 children a 'family wedding gift' and had it delivered to the house like the gifts we are getting. We all opened it together, they were thrilled. My daughter is getting a little necklace as a flower girl token, the boys are getting iTunes gift cards. Get him something that he will enjoy.

2. All 3. A corsage is $10-15, it's a lovely gesture and will make her feel special.

3. Invite SO's. The only people at our wedding who didn't get a +1 are under 18.

Simply Fated · May 2013

1. As pps said, he's not letting you be your stepmom, you just are going to be his stepmom. It sounds like a bribery gift or something. Def het him a gift for being the ring bearer, though. Just get him something he'd like.

2. It's up to you, but I'd maybe get the gf some sort of corsage or flower, just to be safe.

3. It doesn't matter that you don't know them. Is that their fault or yours? Invite them, and meet them at your wedding lol.

itzMS · May 2013

Addie is 100% right.

I just wanted to add that it's a good idea to have FI simply ask his parents if they would like their SO's to have flowers. Obviously, they know their SO better than you and FI do, and thus know if they'd be honored by wearing the flowers or think it's weird.

StephJean83 · May 2013

Ditto Addie. Such a wise lady!

I would like to add that I have been the "unknown SO" at weddings in the last year and half, and if the couples didn't invite me because of that, I would have a hard time inviting them to our wedding. How the heck else will you meet these SO without inviting them to events, weddings included? I will assume most people don't live on the same block or even within 10 miles of all their friends, busy schedules, work, and what not get in the way of people meeting. My FH went to college in IA and after graduation moved back to WI and most of his college friends are spread out across the country. Yes at most weddings we spent like 10 mins talking to the brides and grooms but I was able to spend time talking to other friends and get to know the whole group.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

LMc0322 said:

I know what you're getting at with your first question, I think I understand your intentions, and your heart is in the right place. But just get him a thank you gift for being a ring bearer.

And, of course, I echo all other posters on #3. It would be very rude not to invite their SOs.

Sorry. But THE PITTSBURGH TUNNEL GAME.

VadersValkyrie · May 2013

3. When FH and I were first dating, my best friend had just gotten engaged. I was her maid of honor, and she was honest and told me she wasn't sure if they were going to extend +1s to people who were not engaged/married. I totally understood, and because I knew a lot of people at her wedding, it didn't bother me to fly solo. FH was utlimately invited to the wedding. I was then in two other weddings of friends who had never met FH. I specifically asked them if he was invited to the wedding when I first found out I was in the wedding party, just so I knew how to plan my travel. As the people we are inviting solo are cousins, it's not like they don't have people they'll know at the wedding. I honestly have never had a problem being invited to a wedding solo.

2. General consensus is everyone gets flowers--ok.

1. I guess the wording came out wrong. Seriously, the whole idea came from that Kay Jewlers commercial where the guy gets the little girl a necklace that matches her mother's because he's marrying the mom. I guess what I'm saying is I want to get him a special gift just from me.

AllieBear725 · May 2013

Completely off topic, but my blonde brain just came to the realization that FH means future husband.... Holy.... Just wow.... Me and FH are inviting +1's.

daveANDkristen · May 2013

VadersValkyrie said:

3. When FH and I were first dating, my best friend had just gotten engaged. I was her maid of honor, and she was honest and told me she wasn't sure if they were going to extend +1s to people who were not engaged/married. I totally understood, and because I knew a lot of people at her wedding, it didn't bother me to fly solo. FH was utlimately invited to the wedding. I was then in two other weddings of friends who had never met FH. I specifically asked them if he was invited to the wedding when I first found out I was in the wedding party, just so I knew how to plan my travel. As the people we are inviting solo are cousins, it's not like they don't have people they'll know at the wedding. I honestly have never had a problem being invited to a wedding solo.

You don't, but others do. It is not required that you invite SOs (not like we can force you), but it is considered common courtesy. If you choose not to invite SOs, I guarantee you some of your guests will have their feelings hurt.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2013

sydaries said:

1) If you want to give him a special present for him "letting" you be his stepmom (which is kind of a lie, I'm sure if he didn't want you to be his SM and told y'all you'd most likely still be getting married), why don't you just do something special with him after the wedding? Like a SM & Me outing? Time and love from a step-parent is more important than a present.

2) It's better to err on the side of caution with this one and get them all bouts/corsages.

3) At one point you and FI were just dating. How would you feel if you weren't invited to a major social event because you weren't married? Invite their SOs if they are dating someone by the time invites go out, but don't feel obligated to extend +1's to truly single guests.

This is a great idea

QueerFemme · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

I would go slow with time alone with SS. You can always get closer, but if it becomes uncomfortable, it can get awkward. Give him a nice gift.

what the hell? She is going to be his stepmother. Why would you assume they haven't spent any time alone together?

QueerFemme · May 2013

StageManager14 said:

VadersValkyrie said:

3. When FH and I were first dating, my best friend had just gotten engaged. I was her maid of honor, and she was honest and told me she wasn't sure if they were going to extend +1s to people who were not engaged/married. I totally understood, and because I knew a lot of people at her wedding, it didn't bother me to fly solo. FH was utlimately invited to the wedding. I was then in two other weddings of friends who had never met FH. I specifically asked them if he was invited to the wedding when I first found out I was in the wedding party, just so I knew how to plan my travel. As the people we are inviting solo are cousins, it's not like they don't have people they'll know at the wedding. I honestly have never had a problem being invited to a wedding solo.
2. General consensus is everyone gets flowers--ok.
1. I guess the wording came out wrong. Seriously, the whole idea came from that Kay Jewlers commercial where the guy gets the little girl a necklace that matches her mother's because he's marrying the mom. I guess what I'm saying is I want to get him a special gift just from me.

Yeah, no. Still rude, even if you didn't mind being on the receiving end of rudeness.

Ditto stage. Just because you didn't mind it, doesn't make it less rude. Your friends that didn't include your SO were rude. You just tolerated it.

The only people that it's ever ok to invite without a +1 are people that are truly single. And by truly single, I mean, you don't get to decide the significance of their relationship. They could be together a week or a year, and they are still together. They get invited together.

QueerFemme · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Huh? Right now she is dad's fiancé. Unless I missed something, we don't know if OP lives with her fiancé, or if the kid even spends overnights at Dads? If she rushes her fences and stops (a jumping analogy), it will be that much more difficult to come around and have a good relationship.

Right. We don't know. But, your automatic assumption is that they don't? And that she has never spent any alone time with him? that seems incredibly odd to me.

StephJean83 · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:
CMG, I don't assume anything, other than OP wants a good and long-term relationship with the SS. In the US, 85% of custody cases, the mother has primary residential custody. If DAD has limited time with the SS, SM taking kid off for a day trip, to me, doesn't make sense. SM should not be eating into Dad's time. Dads relationship with SS is more important than SMs.

Maybe when you post about SPs you should disclose that you find all stepparents to be the scum of the earth.

OP, I think having time alone with SS like taking him to lunch and a ball game, will go over better than giving him a gift for him "letting" you marry his dad. My FMIL is SM to FBIL and although he was older, like 6 to 8 yrs old, when FILs married, she still took time on their weekends with him for alone time. That was over 30 years ago and FMIL has a better relationship with FBIL, FSIL and their DD than what FBIL's bio mom does.

VadersValkyrie · May 2013

My FH and I have been together since FSS was one; he resides primarily with his mother but does spend weekends with us about once a month (FH and I have lived together for about 3.5 years). Due to FH's work schedule, FSS and I spend a lot of time in the car together, getting him from and to his mother (we live in different states). But I will definitely think about finding something fun for just he and I to do.

Thanks for all the input ladies, even if you think the no-SO thing is rude.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Kay Jewelers is inventing sentiment by making commercials so that people like you think it's a good idea to spend money in their store. I'd just get him a gift for being your ring bearer.

Give everyone flowers.

Cut your guest list down until you can afford to accommodate guests with their SOs. It's okay not to invite everyone that is on your list. Not getting an invite is better than being disrespected.

A Variety of Questions

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