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Can I vent a little? (Moms and body image. Long-ish)

I posted a while ago about needing some warm weather clothes for an upcoming trip to Puerto Vallarta.  Thanks again for all the great shopping advice!  I've been checking out some of the places you suggested and taking the time to try on different things, and have found some great key pieces.

One of the things I was REALLY dreading was trying to find a bathing suit.  Bathing suit shopping has always been a little traumatic for me, even when I was thinner.  I'm short with a rounder build and am larger than average on top, and nothing ever seems to be cut in a way that is flattering to me.  So, I went shopping and tried on five or six bathing suits, and to my amazement I found one that I LOVED.  To my even greater amazement, it's a bikini, which I never thought I'd be comfortable wearing in public, but this one is just so cute and I felt it was really flattering on me.  I bought it with every intention of getting beyond my "OMG I can't wear a bikini!" mindset, and was actually feeling really good and really confident about it.

Fast forward to a couple days ago.  I was talking with my mom, and mentioned I had found a bathing suit and that it was a bikini.  Her first response was "Oh my god, YOU'RE going to wear a BIKINI?!  I wouldn't even wear a bikini!"  My mom is about 5'2" and 90 lbs, and while I love her to death, she has been a major contributor to some pretty huge body image issues that I have struggled with all my life.  She's been dieting (usually starvation dieting) for as long as I can remember, and complaining to me about how fat she is for as long as I can remember (she's never weighed more than 110 lbs in her life).  There was a point in time after having my kids were I was quite a bit heavier than I am now.  Her weight complaints stung a LOT when she was wearing a size 0 and I was wearing an 18/20.  Several years ago I lost a lot of weight, but recently have put some back on, and I hear about that from her too - although she always couches it as she is "concerned for my health".  This is one part of my relationship with my mom that has always been very difficult and is a huge source of anxiety for me.

So now, since hearing that comment from her, I'm totally doubting my decision and feel like I should go out and buy a one piece and a swimskirt to spare the world having to look at me in a bikini.  It's frustrating because I really felt like, while I may not have looked like a supermodel, that suit looked cute on me.  I was getting really comfortable with the idea of wearing it publicly.  And now I feel like I've taken huge steps backwards not just regarding the bikini, but with my whole self confidence and comfort level with myself.  I'm also extremely frustrated that I've let her bring me down about something I was feeling so good about. 

Im your huckleberry gif Val Kilmer Tombstone Imgur

Re: Can I vent a little? (Moms and body image. Long-ish)

  • I'm sorry that your mom put you through this. I'm really self-conscious about my body. I'm 6' tall so my weight kind of distributes all over the place so it takes me forever to find an outfit where I'm like "okay, the top half looks good, the bottom half sucks" so I feel your pain.

    In regards to the bikini, if you want to wear it, wear it! I used to be so scared of wearing a bathing suit around people then realized that no one really cares what you wear when you're swimming, hanging out at the beach, etc. I buy a ton of my tankinis at Old Navy since you can change up sizes for tops and bottoms. They also have really nice one-piece suits too so I have a mixture of both.

    All of my friends are super skinny so I understand when they say things like "oh I'm so fat" that it's annoying to me, because I'm like "uh, yeah I am fat I wish I was 110 pounds" but I've learned to tune them out.

    Hang in there, sending you hugs!

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  • Unfortunately, parents often don't realize the deleterious effects that their words and actions can have on children. I really hope I remember this when I have kiddos because it really is way more important to be healthy than it is to be skinny. I think you can rock that bikini! And frankly, I grew up in Florida...there were ALWAYS people wearing string bikinis (why, guys!?) and not all of them were 110 lbs. if you really feel uncomfy out on the beach, you can throw a tshirt or coverup over your suit - I'm Irish and super fair skinned , so my brother made it to about seven until he realized the shirt was not part of his bathing suit lol
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • I'm pretty round. My ass has a circumference of 44," no lie. I'm on the border of 12/14 after I gained 30 pounds during college (now it's like 37 pounds :/ ). Last summer I decided to just wear the string bikini I do have from a few years ago (before my weight gain). And you know what? No one said anything (well, I got a TERRIBLE sunburn and they said "maybe you should have put on more sunblock" but that's besides the point.). No one noticed. No one commented. The only thing that prevented me from wearing it before was ME.

    My point is that you are never going to be comfortable with yourself until you kind of force yourself to be. You mom obviously has NEVER been comfortable with her own body if she's been on a diet since you can ever remember - it's her problem, not yours. You wouldn't ask an old pauper how to get rich, would you? Don't listen to someone question your confidence when they don't have any themselves.

    And actually, some bikinis are MORE flattering than their one-piece/full coverage counter parts. If you feel comfortable in it, then that's what matters :) I'm glad to hear your shopping trip went well! It can be grueling at first, but if you can slowly build a good wardrobe made out of good pieces, you'll figure out what cuts/fabrics work with you and which ones just don't.
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  • sydaries said:
    I'm pretty round. My ass has a circumference of 44," no lie. I'm on the border of 12/14 after I gained 30 pounds during college (now it's like 37 pounds :/ ). Last summer I decided to just wear the string bikini I do have from a few years ago (before my weight gain). And you know what? No one said anything (well, I got a TERRIBLE sunburn and they said "maybe you should have put on more sunblock" but that's besides the point.). No one noticed. No one commented. The only thing that prevented me from wearing it before was ME.

    My point is that you are never going to be comfortable with yourself until you kind of force yourself to be. You mom obviously has NEVER been comfortable with her own body if she's been on a diet since you can ever remember - it's her problem, not yours. You wouldn't ask an old pauper how to get rich, would you? Don't listen to someone question your confidence when they don't have any themselves.

    And actually, some bikinis are MORE flattering than their one-piece/full coverage counter parts. If you feel comfortable in it, then that's what matters :) I'm glad to hear your shopping trip went well! It can be grueling at first, but if you can slowly build a good wardrobe made out of good pieces, you'll figure out what cuts/fabrics work with you and which ones just don't.

    I think that was my problem too. And my current problem. I look like a boiled lobster now.

    Also ditto on two pieces are more flattering than one pieces. I feel like with me, the tankinis kind of cut off the body in half so it looks better than a one piece.

    OP, I've been to Mexico plenty of times, trust me, no one is going to judge. I've seen topless 80 year olds on our resort, and I didn't even judge that.

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  • Thanks you guys, venting helped and your words of wisdom helped as well. 

    Sydaries, your example of asking the pauper how to get rich really hit home.  I never thought of mom in terms of not being comfortable with her body before.  In reality, although I would prefer to lose a little weight for health reasons (and to make shopping easier, ha!), I am pretty comfortable with my body.  And so is SO :)  He actually prefers me in the bikini. 

    If I can figure out how to get a picture on here, I'll post a pic of the bikini.  It really is very cute!

     

    Im your huckleberry gif Val Kilmer Tombstone Imgur
  • relliotts said:

    Thanks you guys, venting helped and your words of wisdom helped as well. 

    Sydaries, your example of asking the pauper how to get rich really hit home.  I never thought of mom in terms of not being comfortable with her body before.  In reality, although I would prefer to lose a little weight for health reasons (and to make shopping easier, ha!), I am pretty comfortable with my body.  And so is SO :)  He actually prefers me in the bikini. 

    If I can figure out how to get a picture on here, I'll post a pic of the bikini.  It really is very cute!

     

    If it's like a one-off thing, like a you're wearing THAT?! I'd brush it off, but it seems like she has a history of comments and body image problems herself. And I've found that "pauper" adage to be very helpful when dealing with my dad- he'd say that I needed to do this or that, but then I'd step back and try to observe the life he was living; if listening to him was going to lead me to the same "successes" he had, I knew I should do the opposite.

    I'm JUST starting to get more comfortable with my body. I'm not "happy" with it, per se, but I know being ashamed of it and dressing like I'm ashamed is only going to make me look worse, and staying fabulous is one of my lifelong goals, so I have to get comfortable enough to rock whatever I wear.
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  • I'm sorry your mom said that. From what you describe, she sounds a bit unhealthy, especially if she's dieting at under 100lbs. If you like that bikini, you should wear it. I also feel self conscious at times, but I wear 'em anyway.
  • Yeah, it wasn't a one-off comment.  It's regular with her.  I don't see her often as we live in different states.  When I saw her in Feb, I hadn't seen her since before my weight gain.  Her first reaction when she saw me was to look at me, and make the "OH MY GOD YOU'RE HUGE" face.  Later, she pulled me aside and told me I needed to "get it under control".  Sigh.

    Here's the bikini!  It's not as orange/red as it looks in the photo - it's actually a coral/peach sort of color, which happens to be one of my favorite colors right now.

    Im your huckleberry gif Val Kilmer Tombstone Imgur
  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm so sorry your mom is treating you like that. That's awful. I agree with PP that she sounds like the unhealthy one and needs an attitude adjustment for speaking to her daughter that way. 

    That bathing suit is SO cute! I really think that if you felt great in it before your mom made those comments you should absolutely still wear it. 



  • Are two-pieces really more flattering? I'm apple-shaped and big-chested, and I haven't been able to find anything nice.

    @relliots, that bikini is so cute! I'm damn sure you rock it.
  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    edited May 2013
    @relliotts, you have great taste - love that bathing suit!!

    I hear ya - I think it is hard for moms nowadays to be encouraging to their daughters when it comes to body image. Certainly they feel the pressure we all do to be skinny and tanned and everything else on the beauty to-do list. Even if they aren't evaluating their daughters critically, as yours seems to do, their comments about themselves seem like a warning to the rest of us.

    My mom can be similar to yours with her comments; she will come right out sometimes and say, "Dear, you're looking a little chunky these days, are you sure you want to wear that?" (For the record, I am 5'4" and usually between 115-125 pounds - not so bad, but I used to think it was outrageous because of comments like that.) It was easier for a long time to just cover everything up, but luckily I got some breathing room during college and have developed enough confidence that these things don't sting as much when they happen. I love my mama and she has been good to me, but that's one part of our relationship I could do without.

    I agree with whoever said that the best way to feel better about something is to do it (paraphrasing here - cannot remember the exact words). So you wear that bikini - you will rock it!
  • relliotts said:

    Yeah, it wasn't a one-off comment.  It's regular with her.  I don't see her often as we live in different states.  When I saw her in Feb, I hadn't seen her since before my weight gain.  Her first reaction when she saw me was to look at me, and make the "OH MY GOD YOU'RE HUGE" face.  Later, she pulled me aside and told me I needed to "get it under control".  Sigh.

    Here's the bikini!  It's not as orange/red as it looks in the photo - it's actually a coral/peach sort of color, which happens to be one of my favorite colors right now.

    First, that Bikini is super cute and if you love it and feel comfortable in it then wear it!

    Second, I can completely relate to your situation. One time I went home and my mom asked if I was just trying to see how big I can get. Comments like that are incredibly hurtful and can really damage your self-image and self-esteem. However, you weight is absolutely none of your mother's business and it sounds like she is projecting her own weight issues onto you. My own mom lost about 70-80 lbs a few years ago and that's when she started hounding me about my weight (and I was only 120 back then!). It's taken me a long time (and some counseling) to realize that her issues don't have to be my issues and that it isn't fair for her to try to make them my issues. Even if she thinks she is coming from a helpful/well-meaning place that doesn't give her the right to be cruel.

    So if you are happy with your body then ignore her. If you want to lose weight then lose weight for you and only you - don't worry about how much she thinks you should lose, make your own goals and focus on those.


  • That's awful that your mom said that! If you really love the bikini and feel comfortable in it, then go for it and wear it. I am also short, I'm under 5 foot but I'm the opposite, small on top and big on the bottom. Moms mean well but sometimes they don't realize how hurtful their opinions can be.

  • OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I want to show you something. To prove you are not alone in this, I am going to make some very minor edits to what you wrote above that will literally turn your story into one I could have written myself. (All unimportant edits that just make it more accurate for me - but you will see how similar our experiences have been!)

    relliotts / kmbirkel said:

    My mom... is about 5'3" and 130 lbs, and while I love her to death, she has been a major contributor to some pretty huge body image issues that I have struggled with all my life.  She's been dieting (usually starvation dieting) for as long as I can remember, and complaining to me about how fat she is for as long as I can remember (she's never weighed more than 150 lbs in her life).  There was a point in time after I went on a medication when I was quite a bit heavier than I am now.  Her weight complaints stung a LOT when she was wearing a size 4 and I was wearing an 18.  Several years ago I lost a lot of weight, but recently have put some back on, and I hear about that from her too - although she always couches it as she is "concerned for my health".  [I started trying to lose weight again a few months ago and have lost about 18 lbs so far.  I'd appreciate her support only on this, but instead she'll say "great job, you're doing amazing!" and then move straight back into reiterating why it's so important that I continue to lose weight, as though I can't do this on my own and I'll "fall off the wagon" if she stops reminding me of what a big deal it is.]  This is one part of my relationship with my mom that has always been very difficult and is a huge source of anxiety for me. ...

    And [after talking to my momo about my progress] I feel like I've taken huge steps backwards with my whole self confidence and comfort level with myself.  I'm also extremely frustrated that I've let her bring me down about something I was feeling so good about. 

    With those small changes, and my brief addition, that blurb above is 100% true for me and an ongoing struggle in my life. I will never forget the day my mom hit *gasp* 150 lbs; I was about 10 years old and she would often weigh herself in front of me, usually multiple times each day, and the way she reacted when she saw the 5 instead of a 4 you'd think someone had just vomited all over her. I am far more muscular than she is and have proportionally a much larger chest and hips (even when I'm in great shape), so I think my ideal weight should be a little higher than hers, but I've always felt I am disgusting at anything above 149... she must have left quite an impression on me that day. I am just trying to get below 200 now, so it's hard when she complains about how "fat" she is at about 130. Eventually I would like to get back to approximately 132 - that's my goal weight - but heck, I certainly wouldn't turn down an opportunity to be 150 now! It scares me to remember how much of a whale I thought I was years ago when I was 140, then 150, then 160 and on... I might have still been "overweight" in BMI terms but I was physically fit and felt healthy, which is mainly what I really care about now. Or at least I'm trying to tell myself that's why I'm doing this - I want to believe it's why I am.

    I don't have any fantastic advice or I'd have taken it myself already... but I want you to know you are NOT ALONE here! Please feel free to PM me anytime you need. :)

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