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Asking Parents Before Engagement?

Re: Asking Parents Before Engagement?

  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    edited May 2013
    You should take a look at this thread from the other day:



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    If she asks about your relationship I might bring it up but honestly I don't think a sit down talk to prepare her is necessary.


  • RWS2011RWS2011
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    rdr716 said:
    You should take a look at this thread from the other day:

    THIS

    Also, typically when people have to tell you they are mature, it is a sign of immaturity.  Partly because I have already stated my opinion on this exact question within the week, I am disinclined to repeat myself here.  I will ask, what do you have against partying?  Just because you don't go out to shows, events, parties does not in and of itself make you a mature person.  There are people in my social circle who have great jobs, are home owners, and are incredibly responsible that both go to and *GASP* throw parties.  That is all I have for you.  Good day.
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  • I feel like this is something you should already know about your mom. My fiancé asked my dad because we both knew my dad would feel slighted if he didn't. But my fiancé also told my dad not to tell my mom because she likes to gossip lol. And frankly, my parents knew the proposal was coming because they could see the state of our relationship. So my advice is that it depends on your relationship AND to some extent, it depends on your mom. As you'll notice from the other post, a lot of people don't ask for the parents permission. So there's nothing inherently bad about that, but it depends on the situation, as most other things in life do.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    RWS2011 said:
    rdr716 said:
    You should take a look at this thread from the other day:

    THIS

    Also, typically when people have to tell you they are mature, it is a sign of immaturity.  Partly because I have already stated my opinion on this exact question within the week, I am disinclined to repeat myself here.  I will ask, what do you have against partying?  Just because you don't go out to shows, events, parties does not in and of itself make you a mature person.  There are people in my social circle who have great jobs, are home owners, and are incredibly responsible that both go to and *GASP* throw parties.  That is all I have for you.  Good day.
    Ditto this! If you have to tell us you are mature you probably aren't and if you are mature it will come across in your posts. Partying doesn't make a person immature. I would say that one my best friends and I are at about the same maturity level - he parties a lot, I don't. You know what the difference is? He is extroverted and I'm introverted. What I'm getting at is partying has no bearing on your maturity level.


  • I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax
  • I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax

    I'm just going to give you my .02 on this and then just think about it for a minute. My friend got married at 21. She swore up and down her partying days were over, she was ready to be a wife blah blah blah. On the outside, she seemed mature. She had a steady job as did her then-FI, lived at home with the original intent of saving money for a house and was an all around good kid. Her parents threw a very nice wedding for her. Immediately after the wedding she got knocked up and has the cutest kid ever.

    Fast forward to now. At 25 years old, she realized that she still has a lot of her 20's to live through. She had two affairs on her H and kicked him out. She goes out every weekend with her friends and during the week her son stays with her ex-H. Her mother is at the point where she's going to kick her out of the house because she's not a permanent babysitter for her grandson. Long story short, enjoy your 20's even though you are "mature". Or get engaged and have a long engagement, there's no harm in that either.

    Also there's no harm in going out as long as you have your priorities straight. Once my bills are paid, then I go out/throw a party/whatever.

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  • This is my first post on here and I wasn't planning on posting anything until my engagement is official, but this question has been on my mind and I figured this would be a good place to get feedback. So, my boyfriend and I will have been together a year in June. We are kind of young (23), in my eyes that's really not so young, especially because I've always been really mature for my age and totally unimpressed by all the partying people my age do. We've been discussing our future for months now and we know that at some point marriage is in our future. 

    Recently, my boyfriend brought up to me that he would like to get engaged for our one year anniversary, I was ecstatic! He would have kept it a total secret, but he wanted to know if he should ask my mother first (I'm not as close with my father). I said no, only because I know how she is and she's not going to be happy about it. If it were up to her I'd get married at like 30 after I've "experienced life." I don't want her negativity ruining something that we're both so excited for. However, now I'm scared of totally blind siding her with the news after it happens. I'm wondering if maybe he should ask her first to be respectful. Or maybe if I should sit her down and let her know that it could possibly be in the cards soon.

     Any suggesting about how I should handle this situation? Did your fiancé's ask your parents first? Is it okay to break that tradition since I'm not really a traditional person anyway?
    -If you've been together a year in June, then you really haven't been together for a year. You've been together for 11 months (rushing things?)

    -Saying you've always been mature for your age is something that an immature person would say. Mature people don't have to call attention to the fact that they are mature.

    -You're unimpressed that people your age like to party? Um, ok. A lot of us here did that, and learned some valuable lessons during that time.

    -Maybe instead of hiding the impending engagement from her, you could have a mature conversation with her. Listen to her concerns. Really think about what she's saying. Maybe she has some valid points and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'experience life' a little. Would it be a total crime to get married in your 30's??
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  • I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax
    Ooh, you know a great way to get someone to relax? Tell them to relax.
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  • I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax
    That doesn't make you mature, that make you judgey. How do you know that your friends who go out aren't doing something meaningful for them? 

    I'll add that a mature person would admit that maybe your mom has a point about "experiencing life" and talk to her about her concerns. There might be validity to what she has to say and you'd do well to hear her out before throwing a tantrum about wanting to get married RIGHTTHISSECOND. For example, maybe your mom wants you to have a job where you can support yourself before you get married, or live on your own, or live with BF for a while, or get a BA or an MA or do any number of things that its more difficult to do when you're married. If she has  concerns, be mature and listen to them. 







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  • laurenb09 said:
    cu97tiger said:
    This is my first post on here and I wasn't planning on posting anything until my engagement is official, but this question has been on my mind and I figured this would be a good place to get feedback. So, my boyfriend and I will have been together a year in June. We are kind of young (23), in my eyes that's really not so young, especially because I've always been really mature for my age and totally unimpressed by all the partying people my age do. We've been discussing our future for months now and we know that at some point marriage is in our future. 

    Recently, my boyfriend brought up to me that he would like to get engaged for our one year anniversary, I was ecstatic! He would have kept it a total secret, but he wanted to know if he should ask my mother first (I'm not as close with my father). I said no, only because I know how she is and she's not going to be happy about it. If it were up to her I'd get married at like 30 after I've "experienced life." I don't want her negativity ruining something that we're both so excited for. However, now I'm scared of totally blind siding her with the news after it happens. I'm wondering if maybe he should ask her first to be respectful. Or maybe if I should sit her down and let her know that it could possibly be in the cards soon.

     Any suggesting about how I should handle this situation? Did your fiancé's ask your parents first? Is it okay to break that tradition since I'm not really a traditional person anyway?
    -If you've been together a year in June, then you really haven't been together for a year. You've been together for 11 months (rushing things?)

    -Saying you've always been mature for your age is something that an immature person would say. Mature people don't have to call attention to the fact that they are mature.

    -You're unimpressed that people your age like to party? Um, ok. A lot of us here did that, and learned some valuable lessons during that time.

    -Maybe instead of hiding the impending engagement from her, you could have a mature conversation with her. Listen to her concerns. Really think about what she's saying. Maybe she has some valid points and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'experience life' a little. Would it be a total crime to get married in your 30's??
    A lot of us old broads still know how to party ;)
    If you ever refer to yourself as an old broad again I will smack that wine right out yo hand.
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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    laurenb09 said:
    cu97tiger said:
    This is my first post on here and I wasn't planning on posting anything until my engagement is official, but this question has been on my mind and I figured this would be a good place to get feedback. So, my boyfriend and I will have been together a year in June. We are kind of young (23), in my eyes that's really not so young, especially because I've always been really mature for my age and totally unimpressed by all the partying people my age do. We've been discussing our future for months now and we know that at some point marriage is in our future. 

    Recently, my boyfriend brought up to me that he would like to get engaged for our one year anniversary, I was ecstatic! He would have kept it a total secret, but he wanted to know if he should ask my mother first (I'm not as close with my father). I said no, only because I know how she is and she's not going to be happy about it. If it were up to her I'd get married at like 30 after I've "experienced life." I don't want her negativity ruining something that we're both so excited for. However, now I'm scared of totally blind siding her with the news after it happens. I'm wondering if maybe he should ask her first to be respectful. Or maybe if I should sit her down and let her know that it could possibly be in the cards soon.

     Any suggesting about how I should handle this situation? Did your fiancé's ask your parents first? Is it okay to break that tradition since I'm not really a traditional person anyway?
    -If you've been together a year in June, then you really haven't been together for a year. You've been together for 11 months (rushing things?)

    -Saying you've always been mature for your age is something that an immature person would say. Mature people don't have to call attention to the fact that they are mature.

    -You're unimpressed that people your age like to party? Um, ok. A lot of us here did that, and learned some valuable lessons during that time.

    -Maybe instead of hiding the impending engagement from her, you could have a mature conversation with her. Listen to her concerns. Really think about what she's saying. Maybe she has some valid points and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'experience life' a little. Would it be a total crime to get married in your 30's??
    A lot of us old broads still know how to party ;)
    WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARTINI



  • laurenb09 said:
    cu97tiger said:
    This is my first post on here and I wasn't planning on posting anything until my engagement is official, but this question has been on my mind and I figured this would be a good place to get feedback. So, my boyfriend and I will have been together a year in June. We are kind of young (23), in my eyes that's really not so young, especially because I've always been really mature for my age and totally unimpressed by all the partying people my age do. We've been discussing our future for months now and we know that at some point marriage is in our future. 

    Recently, my boyfriend brought up to me that he would like to get engaged for our one year anniversary, I was ecstatic! He would have kept it a total secret, but he wanted to know if he should ask my mother first (I'm not as close with my father). I said no, only because I know how she is and she's not going to be happy about it. If it were up to her I'd get married at like 30 after I've "experienced life." I don't want her negativity ruining something that we're both so excited for. However, now I'm scared of totally blind siding her with the news after it happens. I'm wondering if maybe he should ask her first to be respectful. Or maybe if I should sit her down and let her know that it could possibly be in the cards soon.

     Any suggesting about how I should handle this situation? Did your fiancé's ask your parents first? Is it okay to break that tradition since I'm not really a traditional person anyway?
    -If you've been together a year in June, then you really haven't been together for a year. You've been together for 11 months (rushing things?)

    -Saying you've always been mature for your age is something that an immature person would say. Mature people don't have to call attention to the fact that they are mature.

    -You're unimpressed that people your age like to party? Um, ok. A lot of us here did that, and learned some valuable lessons during that time.

    -Maybe instead of hiding the impending engagement from her, you could have a mature conversation with her. Listen to her concerns. Really think about what she's saying. Maybe she has some valid points and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'experience life' a little. Would it be a total crime to get married in your 30's??
    A lot of us old broads still know how to party ;)

    I'm having a party this weekend. Instead of BYOB it's BYOWnD aka "bring your own walkers and dentures".

    Just kidding. I'm an old broad and can probably out-party any 20-something nowadays. As long as I'm in bed by 8pm.

    These are horrible jokes. I fail at jokes today.

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  • rdr716 said:
    laurenb09 said:
    cu97tiger said:
    This is my first post on here and I wasn't planning on posting anything until my engagement is official, but this question has been on my mind and I figured this would be a good place to get feedback. So, my boyfriend and I will have been together a year in June. We are kind of young (23), in my eyes that's really not so young, especially because I've always been really mature for my age and totally unimpressed by all the partying people my age do. We've been discussing our future for months now and we know that at some point marriage is in our future. 

    Recently, my boyfriend brought up to me that he would like to get engaged for our one year anniversary, I was ecstatic! He would have kept it a total secret, but he wanted to know if he should ask my mother first (I'm not as close with my father). I said no, only because I know how she is and she's not going to be happy about it. If it were up to her I'd get married at like 30 after I've "experienced life." I don't want her negativity ruining something that we're both so excited for. However, now I'm scared of totally blind siding her with the news after it happens. I'm wondering if maybe he should ask her first to be respectful. Or maybe if I should sit her down and let her know that it could possibly be in the cards soon.

     Any suggesting about how I should handle this situation? Did your fiancé's ask your parents first? Is it okay to break that tradition since I'm not really a traditional person anyway?
    -If you've been together a year in June, then you really haven't been together for a year. You've been together for 11 months (rushing things?)

    -Saying you've always been mature for your age is something that an immature person would say. Mature people don't have to call attention to the fact that they are mature.

    -You're unimpressed that people your age like to party? Um, ok. A lot of us here did that, and learned some valuable lessons during that time.

    -Maybe instead of hiding the impending engagement from her, you could have a mature conversation with her. Listen to her concerns. Really think about what she's saying. Maybe she has some valid points and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'experience life' a little. Would it be a total crime to get married in your 30's??
    A lot of us old broads still know how to party ;)
    WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARTINI
    I need a goddamn tequila shot! Stat.
    --------------------------------------------------------------


     
    "You're our early 20's BSC scarecrow. They cower at your maturity." - lennonkdc Anniversary
  • RWS2011RWS2011
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    I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax

    image

    Oh, I am relaxed.  I just found your attitude in your post to be a bit pompous and was explaining why. 

    Also, KUI night anyone?  Summer is almost here, and I have been hearing wonderful things about homemade spiked popsicles.  
    image

    image
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    @RWS2011 -- Oh I might join you tonight! 



  • leia1979leia1979
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    edited May 2013
    RWS2011 said:

    Also, KUI night anyone?  Summer is almost here, and I have been hearing wonderful things about homemade spiked popsicles.  
    Fun! I just inherited our old Tupperware popsicle molds from my mom. I bet a midori sour popsicle would be delicious!


    ETA: Oh, look! First DD of the new format.
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  • Why do you have to be done partying to get married, and why does that make you mature?  I had a friend that was "done partying" and got married right out of college.  Aside from the fact that it was the most boring fucking wedding I've ever been to, I actually consider that girl one of the most immature people I know.

    My mom laughs at me because she swears I was born 0 going on 35, and that hasn't changed, but I've always loved socializing and "partying."  If I had gone to her at 23 and said I wanted to get married she would have been fine with it, because as an actual mature adult, I wouldn't even give a second thought to sitting down and having a rational discussion with my parents--I would just do it.

    Based on your posts, I'm not convinced that you are as mature as you say you are.  If you are really and truly sure about this, go for it, but my advice is to consider a long engagement...
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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey
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    Good thing @cu97tiger quoted OP. 

    Bye, OP. Sigh.



  • I think parting actually can say something about your maturity level. When you place partying before other things that should be priorities in your life I see that as immaturity. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and be responsible or mature but I know many many people who can't and take it too far. All I meant is that I've lived that life and I'm ready to have something more meaningful. i didn't mean that i'll never walk into a bar because bars are for people that never grew up... Relax
    I'm 23. I don't party. I fucking wish I did. Having responsibilities can suck, and a husband and marriage are responsibilities. I've been with BF just over 6 years. I love him and I'm excited to marry him, but I knew that I still needed time to grow because I still look to my mother for approval more than I'd like to (oh funny connection?). We have a mature and meaningful relationship, but I don't really talk about it because I don't need to say "we're so mature!" I show it based on my responses (well, some of them) and when I talk to aspects of our relationship. "Mature" is an empty modifier when it's the only real descriptor. If you think you're old enough to get married you're old enough to say "hey mom, we're gettin' hitched." I'm not, so I'm not
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  • @laurientlovesmike

    You've been quoted and DDing says a lot about your maturity level. Mature adults face constructive criticism with an open mind. Just saying....





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  • leia1979 said:
    RWS2011 said:

    Also, KUI night anyone?  Summer is almost here, and I have been hearing wonderful things about homemade spiked popsicles.  
    Fun! I just inherited our old Tupperware popsicle molds from my mom. I bet a midori sour popsicle would be delicious!


    ETA: Oh, look! First DD of the new format.
    I might try to make a KUI session tonight... I have a great new wine!



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  • Maybe I'll get sassy and buy a box of wine for tonight and KUI

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  • RWS2011RWS2011
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    RWS2011 said:

    Also, KUI night anyone?  Summer is almost here, and I have been hearing wonderful things about homemade spiked popsicles.  
    Sounds yummy. I am just worried about them not freezing. How much alcohol do you use. 
    Just google it, and find a recipe you like.  Here are a couple of links click and click from a quick search.  Find one you like, mix and freeze!  :)

    RDR and Lennon, I'll be looking for you tonight!
    image

    image
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
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    Aww, I can't KUI tonight. Friday looks like my first shot, tomorrow if my day is difficult. Anyone up for then?
  • lennonkdc said:
    @laurientlovesmike

    You've been quoted and DDing says a lot about your maturity level. Mature adults face constructive criticism with an open mind. Just saying....


    Come on... SHE IS MATURE FOR HER AGE.

    :)
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