This is a lot of issues in one letter.

mrsconn23 · May 2013

Dear Prudie,
I'm a successful and happily married woman in my early 30s with my first child on the way. However, growing up wasn't the easiest for me. From a young age my bad skin, thick glasses, and gawkiness brought ridicule from my classmates. I immersed myself in studying, which made me more of a target. I've realized children can be cruel and have worked to get over the taunting I suffered. What I am not able to forgive is the teacher who bullied me for three years starting when I was 11 years old. She was a young teacher who seemed to be interested in appearing cool to the popular kids. This woman took every opportunity to publicly humiliate me. If I was the only one to raise my hand, she'd call me a know-it-all. If I didn't raise my hand, she would make a snide remark about my not knowing everything. She made sure to point out to the entire class every time I didn't get 100 on her tests and read aloud the questions I got wrong. My mother was a teacher at the school and I told her about this, but she said I was being too sensitive. It didn't help that my older sister had a wonderful relationship with this teacher. For a long time I thought maybe I was too sensitive, but after reading your column I've come to realize that there are people like this teacher who find the lone outcast child and bully them. This teacher was diagnosed with cancer last year and my church did a fundraiser for her. I refused to attend or donate. My mother said I was being cheap and spiteful. Then recently I saw this teacher at church. She looked terrible. She came over to my family and hugged my mother and sister. When she stepped in to hug me, I backed away and excused myself. My mother is now very upset with me for being rude, saying I embarrassed the family, and I should just get over whatever I "think" she did to me. In my anger, I told my mother this woman probably got cancer as punishment for being a horrible person, and the sooner she dies the sooner she can go to hell. Now my mother isn't speaking to me. My husband is on my side and says I should not apologize to my mother, since I didn't wrong her in any way. This isn’t the first time I’ve not been on speaking terms with my mother, but she and my sister are planning a baby shower for me. I want to get past this, but how can I mend things with my mother without apologizing?

—Former Bullying Victim

hmonkey · May 2013

if i have the chance to tell my jr high gym teacher that she sucks as a person, i will take it.

6fsn · May 2013

My jr high health teacher can suck it.

Oddly, MIL was a jr. high health and phys ed teacher.

GBCK · May 2013

Telling mom that this lady deserves cancer wasn't tactful.

But mom refusing to 'get' the bullying situation and the resentment shows some major assholeness on mom's part.

hmonkey · May 2013

>In my anger, I told my mother this woman probably got cancer as punishment for being a horrible person, and the sooner she dies the sooner she can go to hell.

this totally sounds like something some tk poster would say. KARMA.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

She needs to tell her mother to f*ck right off. Her mom needs to be apologizing to HER.

mrsconn23 · May 2013

The mom is wrong, the teacher is wrong.

But if no one is going to apologize and/or continue to see her as hysterical, the OP needs to a) distance herself and b) get some counseling to deal with it.

hmonkey · May 2013

why should op get counseling? the other people are the ones who suck. unless it's counseling to accept the suckiness of others.

mrsconn23 · May 2013

hmonkey said:

why should op get counseling? the other people are the ones who suck. unless it's counseling to accept the suckiness of others.

Yes, counseling for her to accept that she cannot change other people and has to deal with the fact that people will just stand there in their wrongness and not accept responsibility for it.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Prudie's response had better have been "your mother is a terrible, terrible person who almost certainly has bullied students herself; light her on fire and the world will be a better place."

mrsconn23 · May 2013

Dear Victim,
I can understand your anger; it was as if both your mother and this teacher conspired during your childhood to make your life a misery. What a betrayal on your mother’s part to side with her colleague over her own daughter without even investigating your complaints. As for this awful teacher, I don’t blame you for refusing to contribute to her fund and shrinking from her touch. But where you could start in reconciling with your mother is in addressing what you said about her colleague. You’re a well-read woman, so you know that suffering is often unjust—you were a victim of it yourself. This woman’s cancer is not a punishment for her acts. As inexcusably dreadful as she was to you, to wish aloud for her death is ugly to hear and poisonous for you to say. Your troubled relationship with your mother encompasses more than just this teacher. Particularly now that you’re about to be a mother yourself, it would be a good idea to unspool your feelings with a counselor. But for the sake of smoothing over this situation, you can say to your mother that while it’s simply a fact that your former teacher treated you abominably, you do regret wishing her ill. If that’s not enough to get your mother talking to you again, then you have a lot of thinking to do about another bully in your life.

—Prudie

VarunaTT · May 2013

I agree with Conn. I think both teacher and mom were complete assholes.

But this lady is still giving them power over her at this point.

I actually do think it's wrong to be all, "you got cancer b/c your'e an asshole". But I understand her feelings, so I won't condemn them, you feel how you feel. But really, she has got to work on letting this go.

And y'know, I think people are more harsh on their parents than anyone. I struggle with my father b/c I want to love him and think he's a really good person. And he's not. He's very sexist, he's illogically conservative and he can be a real asshole. I still love him, I just know he's not a good person.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

I don't think she should pretend to regret wishing this woman ill at all.

hmonkey · May 2013

she might regret saying it *out loud.*

GBCK · May 2013

why should op get counseling? the other people are the ones who suck. unless it's counseling to accept the suckiness of others.

[/QUOTE]

It's not like counseling is a punishment...counseling is a way of learning to deal with (not the same thing as 'accept' really) the suckyness of others. Having a mom who is a raging bitch, who values colleauges over children, etc, is a big hairy deal. I'd hazard a guess that it's something it's good to get a bit of professional help at working through.

(The reason I think it's a bad idea to say 'karma' is because that opens up the philosophical can of worms. If it's Karma that assface Mcjerkwad gets cancer, what is it when the BFF gets cancer? or a kid? or... Not that assholes don't get cancer but I think it's a bad idea to try to pretend the world makes sense that way when it obviously doesn't.
It's not 'intentional' necessarily, but it is truly saying "well, your mom is a jackass, because she got cancer")

(also, whi is it when I quote, everything appears in quotes? dislike)

VarunaTT · May 2013

I didn't say she should regret it. I think it's wrong to wish someone ill, even if they "deserve" it. I also understand why someone would wish another person ill.

She needs to get past the hurt this person caused her. This was in junior high and she's in her 30s. I think you can always remember and be hurt by something, but to continue to allow it to affect her life is a problem.

mrsconn23 · May 2013

That was my point re: counseling.

I don't think the OP should continue to punish herself over this at all. But she's obviously having a hard time getting over this and that's understandable. If she cannot work past it on her own, she needs to get some outside help. It's great that she has a supportive husband. And I'd wager that this is not her mother's only misdeed and it might not be the most egregious one either.

hmonkey · May 2013

YES.

GBCK said:
(The reason I think it's a bad idea to say 'karma' is because that opens up the philosophical can of worms. If it's Karma that assface Mcjerkwad gets cancer, what is it when the BFF gets cancer? or a kid? or... Not that assholes don't get cancer but I think it's a bad idea to try to pretend the world makes sense that way when it obviously doesn't.
It's not 'intentional' necessarily, but it is truly saying "well, your mom is a jackass, because she got cancer")

Wzz · May 2013

i don't think she wished the cancer, just that she is happy the woman has cancer.

who cares. she said it to her mom, and she said it out of anger and while she was hurting. IMO mom should be the one person to understand those feelings. i do agree that she might need counseling if she can't get passed how she was hurt by this woman. sure everyone else acted like jerks, but no one has acknowledged that the OP was hurt. maybe a small apology by mom or the crappy teacher would help give her closure. if she can't get that, then i think she needs counseling if she is still having trouble with this.

Wzz · May 2013

ftr, i wouldnt wish cancer on anyone. i would wish diahrreah (sp) to hit them in the most awkward of places, such as on line at the bank or on the table at her GYN appointment. something that would humiliate her for a little bit.

hmonkey · May 2013

(i don't think counseling is the answer. i think seeing this horrible woman stirred up a lot of bad memories and she reacted horribly because no one acknowledged her feelings. let's just say -- i know how she feels due to recent events and i just lucked out in having people who acknowledged my feelings. had i not had that support, i would have gone missouri sorority girl on that woman.)

as another side note, i think prudey offered some good advice, but i think it's craptacular to pull the whole "now that YOU'LL BE A MOTHER, you should try to understand."

Wzz · May 2013

YES.

"i know how she feels due to recent events and i just lucked out in having people who acknowledged my feelings."

hmonkey · May 2013

the thing is -- when i had my recent encounter with THE MOST HORRIBLE WOMAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN (SO FAR), dh was all laughing about it, saying he was going to be egging her on and talking to her and going to be civil or some nonsense that i certainly wasn't going to entertain.

but he has also acknowledged how much that woman hurt me, personally and professionally, and in this instance, was trying to be light about it.

even if they didn't agree with op, they should have said something. i mean, i know i would have appreciated a joking "yes, yes, hmo -- she is one of history's great monsters, right up there with pol pot and papa duvalier" (<-- what i actually said when someone asked, "hey, who was that?")

VarunaTT · May 2013

hmonkey said:

as another side note, i think prudey offered some good advice, but i think it's craptacular to pull the whole "now that YOU'LL BE A MOTHER, you should try to understand."

I hate that too. Like, something should magically change in your b/c you'll be all nurturing and caring and understanding b/c you're a mother now.

Nope, some people are still going to sucky suck suck suck.

jojobrn · May 2013

VarunaTT said:

hmonkey said:

as another side note, i think prudey offered some good advice, but i think it's craptacular to pull the whole "now that YOU'LL BE A MOTHER, you should try to understand."

I hate that too. Like, something should magically change in your b/c you'll be all nurturing and caring and understanding b/c you're a mother now.

Nope, some people are still going to sucky suck suck suck.

I think I would feel completely the opposite. I couldn't imagine not believing my daughter and if I had been in the same circumstances, I couldn't forgive my mother once I became a mother because how could she? You know?

I may only make sense to myself right now.

hmonkey · May 2013

i mean, that is kind of op's situation. that teacher sucked then -- having cancer doesn't make her magically forgiven for being terrible.

i am reminded of murderball and what mark zupan's friends said in the movie: "he was %#! before the accident, he's a #%*& now."

VarunaTT said:
I hate that too. Like, something should magically change in your b/c you'll be all nurturing and caring and understanding b/c you're a mother now.

Nope, some people are still going to sucky suck suck suck.

zsazsa-stl · May 2013

I'll play devil's advocate and point out that it is possible that since the teacher was so close to the mom and older sister that she also felt like she was close to the younger daughter. And maybe she felt close enough to do a fair amount of teasing and think that it was all in good fun and that the letter writer was cool with it. If that was he case, mom should have definitely had words with the teacher to let her know that she needed to back off.

And just as becoming a mother doesn't automatically make you a better person, neither does getting cancer. You can still be a horrible person AND a cancer patient.

Wzz · May 2013

the OP never said that her mom thinks that because the teacher has cancer she is now a good person, or that the OP should nopw get over it because she has cancer. i understood it to mean that the mother was angry that the OP was glad the teacher has cancer. 2 different things. the mom likes the teacher, so to her that is probably a horrific thing to say. in the meantime, mom doesn't understand why the OP would say such a thing or feel this way.

AuntFlo · May 2013

Wzz said:

i don't think she wished the cancer, just that she is happy the woman has cancer.

who cares. she said it to her mom, and she said it out of anger and while she was hurting. IMO mom should be the one person to understand those feelings. i do agree that she might need counseling if she can't get passed how she was hurt by this woman. sure everyone else acted like jerks, but no one has acknowledged that the OP was hurt. maybe a small apology by mom or the crappy teacher would help give her closure. if she can't get that, then i think she needs counseling if she is still having trouble with this.

And plus also, pregnancy hormones can make you think, say and do RIDONKULOUS things.

This is a lot of issues in one letter.

Re: This is a lot of issues in one letter.

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