this is the code for the render ad
Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Invited with a guest, but then informed he was not allowed to come

Knottie24408202Knottie24408202 member
Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am divorced.  One of my closest friend's dgt was getting married and I was invited with a guest.  I decided to bring my adult son as my escort.  When I casually mentioned this to my friend, she informed me that he was not allowed to come as they were not inviting "children of friends" to the wedding.  I replied that he was coming as my escort, not as a friend's child.  She told me he could come "for dessert," but not for any other part of the wedding.  I decided to attend the ceremony only, and not the reception.  As an aside, I was one of the hostesses for the bridal shower, which I proceeded with after my conversation with my friend.  I was ambivalent about this, given the tone of our talk, but wanted to focus on her dgt, and not our disagreement. Several days before the wedding, my son experienced an acute mental health emergency and was hospitalized.  Due to this stress, I needed to go to the emergency room, on the day of the wedding, with severe high blood pressure, and was instructed to be on bedrest for 2-3 days.  I sent a message with a friend that I wouldn't be attending the ceremony.  My friend has not spoken to me since, and will not respond to any of my messages.  She had told others that our friendship is over, permanently.  I am heartbroken, as we had been friends for over 20 yrs.  I cannot tell her, or anyone else about my son's illness (was diagnosed as bipolar), as I wish to respect his confidentiality.  

I would like some feedback as to the proper etiquette when one is invited with a guest.  Could I have done something differently?  
Report Reply to Post

Re: Invited with a guest, but then informed he was not allowed to come

  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Your friend is being a MOBzilla. If they were having an adults-only wedding, and you wanted to bring your 10 year old, then yes, I think she could say that they cannot accommodate him. Since he's an adult, however, she was out of line.

    I'm sorry to hear about your son's diagnosis - my sister was diagnosed as bipolar when she was 16 (I was 15). I know the challenges and the stress that particular illness brings to a family, and I hope that you have a good support system in whom you feel you can confide. Obviously, this friend does not work for that situation since she isn't being much of a friend. If you don't feel you can discuss your son's diagnosis with your friends due to confidentiality, at least consider looking into a support network online for families dealing with a similar situation - you need to have someone to talk to so that you don't end up in the ER again due to stress!
    image
    Report Reply
  • dalm0mdalm0m member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Yikes.  Your friend sounds like it's a benefit in disguise that she's no longer in your life. 

    However, given the 20 year history & the fact that she has  a daughter od enough to be married, I'm guessing you too are not kids.

    If the friendship is that important to you, give her  few months to cool off & miss you too.  Then hold out an olive branch. . . nothing big just and I miss you, let's get together for coffee.  When you see her, quietly & calmly express that you are sure that she must have been under a lot of stress with the wedding planning but you were hurt by some of the things that transpired & you'd like to clear the air. Tell her how you felt.  If she doesn't give you the chance or doesn't acknowledge her errors,  let it go.  You tried & you really are better of without her. 

    Report Reply
  • Knottie24408202Knottie24408202 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Thank you for your feedback.  You are correct - we are both in our 50's.  I have extended several olive branches (phone call, text, FB messages), yet have received no response.  Yet, she will always wish me a happy birthday each yr, via FB.  It is hard for me to let go, yet know this is the best thing for me at this time.  She was always such a wonderful friend to me, so it is very difficult for me to understand her rationale for behaving as she did.  
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    As long as there isn't more to this story, your friend is the one who owes you a huge apology.  
    Report Reply
  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Your friend is in the wrong. When you invite someone with a guest, you are giving them the option to select a guest (unless they want to bring a child or a serial killer). Then, instead of being concerned about your health, she decides not to be friends with you. She is petty. Is this the first time she's been this rude? I'm guessing not. 
    Report Reply
  • doiexist1987doiexist1987 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I would have a heart to heart with her when you are back on speaking terms.  While I understand you love your son, I know several people with bipolar, and often around different people they act totally different sometimes to the point of committing horrible acts to some people and acting like the sweetest person on earth to others.  Maybe your friend or their daughter has a legitimate concern about their safety or the safety of their guests from something you don't know about.  While I understand not all bipolar people are dangerous, there may be a reason beyond them not wanting children there that they may have a hard time expressing.
    Report Reply
  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2013
    Sorry for the repost. Oops.
    Report Reply
  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    doiexist1987 said:
    I would have a heart to heart with her when you are back on speaking terms.  While I understand you love your son, I know several people with bipolar, and often around different people they act totally different sometimes to the point of committing horrible acts to some people and acting like the sweetest person on earth to others.  Maybe your friend or their daughter has a legitimate concern about their safety or the safety of their guests from something you don't know about.  While I understand not all bipolar people are dangerous, there may be a reason beyond them not wanting children there that they may have a hard time expressing.
    She can't have a heart to heart if the woman won't respond to her texts or calls. And the woman didn't know about him being bipolar. Read the thread, honey. 
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't think you could have done anything differently, but it doesn't sound like she was a very good friend if she's giving you the silent treatment.  I'm very sorry you had to go through that.  Best of luck!
    Report Reply
  • MoxieMickieMoxieMickie member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary
    banana468 said:

    As long as there isn't more to this story, your friend is the one who owes you a huge apology.  

    This. The only mitigating situation I could see is if your son had done something horrible and instead of telling you she just banned him. (Not saying that happened, just a little more concrete than him being an ax murderer.)
    Report Reply
  • Knottie24408202Knottie24408202 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    No, he didn't.  He was home from college; also, a long-time friend of their son's.  He actually asked to be my escort as he wanted to see his friend's sister get married.  That fact made the situation worse, as my friend had known my son since he was a baby - he had been a part of their family for most of his life.
    Report Reply
  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I don't think your 'friend' has a right to call herself your friend anymore.  Her behavior is reprehensible and horrid.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

    Report Reply
  • SomethingBeautiful08SomethingBeautiful08 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    OP It is ok to just be facebook friends, keep her caught up on major events but not expect anything more.  What she did to you was rude.  When you are invited with a guest, you should be able to chose any adult to join you, regardless of the relationship between you.
    Report Reply
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited May 2013

    I have a couple of questions

     

    1) Was SHE paying for the wedding? If not, she might have just been the messenger. If THAT is true, it's really hard to blame her for uninviting him. It might not have been her decision ro make. She just might have been the messenger. She might have known your son her whole life, but if she wasn't paying for the wedding, it wasn't her call to make. (although it was an etiquetter faux pas, it might not have been hers )

     

    2) What was she told about why you didn't come? did she know you were in the emergency room? If so, I could understand your hearbreak on her lack of empathy, but if she had NO idea you were in the ER, all she probably sees (From her perspective with the info she has) is a very good friend who "no-showed" at her son's wedding after a disagreement. Without the bipolar or ER knowledge, she just probably thought you flaked and came up with a bogus excuse.  I know that's not true and you know that isn't true, but if she had NO idea you were in the ER or your son was hospitalized, I could kinda understand how she could be hurt 

     

     

     

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards