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"Best wishes" vs. "congratulations"?

chaiteachickchaiteachick member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Is this still a thing? 

I was brought up to always say "best wishes" to the bride, and "congratulations" to the groom. My mom and gramma said that if you congratulate a bride, it makes it seem like she was a man-chaser and "finally caught a man." (Paraphrased.) 

Either way, I'm just happy whenever someone is happy for me, so it doesn't really matter, but I've noticed that I do prefer when someone says "best wishes," not "congratulations" to me. I'm sure it has to do with how I was brought up. 

Your thoughts?
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Re: "Best wishes" vs. "congratulations"?

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    jennylee813jennylee813 member
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    I hadn't heard that, but I think your mom and gramma's reasoning is very cute and old school. (I don't mean that in a derogatory way, it honestly made me smile)

    I always congratulate both the bride and groom, especially if they're a relative - my logic has been that they've managed to pull a wedding off with our crazy, huge family, and that deserves a congratulations! 

    To me, best wishes sounds more formal.

    But either phrase is still more appropriate than "good luck"! :-)
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I had heard that before as well, but I just ignore it. I don't think most women think that way anymore and would not be put off if you said congratulations. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    I was told this by a friend when I got engaged, so I use it now. I was explaining recently at my cousin's graduation/engagement party and my H accused me of making it up.
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    mlg78mlg78 member
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    I have a coworker who is in her mid-60's who always annoyingly corrects me whenever I tell someone congratulations or someone says it to me.  It's obnoxious that she corrects people and I feel it's a very dated thing.
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    allispainallispain member
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    Never heard of it - doesn't surprise me in the least that this is/was a thing, but seems pretty outdated for a modern age. Given that I never really saw myself getting married before meeting FI while he always wanted to someday get married (ie - gender "roles" reversed) we'd need everyone to say things backwards for us!
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    StageManager14 said:
     Honestly, I cannot imagine "preferring" people express their happiness for me one way over another.
    This. It's how I feel about Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas. You've wished me well. Who cares how you said it?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MuppetFanMuppetFan member
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    I keep thinking of people being mad that someone wished them Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I dislike when people criticize well-wishes.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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    laradolllaradoll member
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    Emily Gilmore makes a thing of that in Gilmore Girls :)

    I had heard of it before but I have never heard or seen it being done. I think it is very old fashioned now.

    I asked FI and he says that his family have always insisted on doing it that way - It obviously hadn't registered with me, but then they are 'old money' so sticklers for the correct way even if it is out dated now.

    I can honestly say I don't care and think I do a mix of both but depends on what and when I'm saying it not who to
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    edited August 2013
    Post removed due to GBCK
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    I've never heard of that distinction before and I've seen Gilmore Girls lol.

    I think of "congratulations" as being an all inclusive word. I also use "break a leg" a lot instead of good luck, so there's that.

    The happy holidays vs merry Christmas argument is frustrating. Not everyone celebrates Christmas and not everyone seems to want to accept that. I don't get offended when someone wishes me a merry christmas. I get offended when someone gets upset over the phrase "happy holidays," though. If they don't like "happy holidays" why can't they ALSO use Happy Chanukah along with Merry Christmas? And Happy New Year?
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    walgrrlwalgrrl member
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    laradoll said:
    Emily Gilmore makes a thing of that in Gilmore Girls :)

    I had heard of it before but I have never heard or seen it being done. I think it is very old fashioned now.

    I asked FI and he says that his family have always insisted on doing it that way - It obviously hadn't registered with me, but then they are 'old money' so sticklers for the correct way even if it is out dated now.

    I can honestly say I don't care and think I do a mix of both but depends on what and when I'm saying it not who to
    I remember that episode!  Gilmore Girls is the only time I've ever heard of that rule, until now.  In my circle, everyone says congratulations to both the bride and the groom and nobody gets offended.
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    tiny specktiny speck member
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    Huh, I've never heard of this. I don't really think it matters today and if anything, I think it would just perpetuate the wife-as-property-of-husband mentality of the past.
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    Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    edited May 2013
    An older woman saw my ring the other day and at first said congratulations, then corrected herself and said "best wishes to you and congratulations to him." I thought it was odd - I didn't know that was a thing.



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    loca4pookloca4pook member
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    StageManager14 said:
    To me that sounds like "congratulations on getting a wife" and "best wishes that you aren't miserable with your husband in the marriage you had little to no say in", but it is technically correct. Honestly, I cannot imagine "preferring" people express their happiness for me one way over another.


    I agree. To ME, "best wishes" means ..Good luck with THAT..kinda meaning....I guess I would prefer sometone to congratulate me.

     

    though, I admit I haven't put a ton of thought into it

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    OjitosVerdesOjitosVerdes member
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    StageManager14 said:
    To me that sounds like "congratulations on getting a wife" and "best wishes that you aren't miserable with your husband in the marriage you had little to no say in", but it is technically correct. Honestly, I cannot imagine "preferring" people express their happiness for me one way over another.
    This! What a timely post - FI and I were at a party last night and met a sweet, older couple that expressed their happiness for us several times, but were very vocal in pointing out that you always "congratulate" the man while giving "best wishes" to the woman. Of course I wasn't offended, but did interpret it exactly as Stage wrote above. I agree that it's a dated pleasantry. 
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    brielleinlovebrielleinlove member
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    Weird.  I've heard that you say "best wishes" before the wedding (because they aren't married yet so there is nothing to congratulate them on) and "congratulations" after the ceremony has taken place.
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    Ven&RadioVen&Radio member
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    I've never heard of this.  I say congratulations when I'm truly happy for someone.  Best wishes is something I would say if I didn't think the marriage was going to last, or had some other reason to think the marriage (or other congratulatory event/accomplishment) wasn't a good idea.
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    Storm29Storm29
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    I'm glad a couple of other people mentioned Emily Gilmore, because that's exactly where my mind goes...to that very scene, and more generally, to her culture. I personally wouldn't be offended no matter which one people told me, but I've never said "best wishes" to anyone and don't intend to start.
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    MuppetFanMuppetFan member
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    edited May 2013
    StageManager14 said:
    True story: my mother works at a small school in a very conservative town. For 7 years she signed all of her Christmas cards Happy Holidays. A few years ago she heard multiple teachers bitching about the Happy Holidays taking the Christ out of Christmas and called me horrified. She'd always just meant it to cover the multiple holidays that happened over the break and had never thought anything of it.
    @stagemanager14 Poor mom! What a way for them to make her feel like a heel.

    I have to listen to this argument annually at our Christmas party at work. They actually make comments on each of the cards that come to them that are "Happy Holidays". It was such a headache for me that when I took over International Sales and it became inappropriate for me to send mass quantities of Christmas Cards to my clients and colleagues because a lot of them don't celebrate Christmas, I opted to do a New Year's Card so I don't have anyone bitching about MY well wishes for them.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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    chaiteachickchaiteachick member
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    brielleinlove said:
    Weird.  I've heard that you say "best wishes" before the wedding (because they aren't married yet so there is nothing to congratulate them on) and "congratulations" after the ceremony has taken place.
    They did also say this, actually--that it's okay to say "congrats" to the bride AFTER the wedding. 

    I never watched Gilmore Girls, but I'm pretty sure, based on what I'm hearing, that I was brought up in exactly the same way. I'm sure that explains it. 

    Interesting to see/read/hear everyone's responses and opinions! :) 
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    chaiteachickchaiteachick member
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    CMGr said:
    This is an old custom, and is still appropriate.  I follow it personally because that is what I was taught to do.
    I feel similarly... I just tend to say it when I know the person being congratulated/wished well is/was brought up by someone of that thought process. If it's someone who I don't know very well, or who I'm pretty sure doesn't care either way, I say congratulations, to keep it more modern, for his/her sake. It depends on what I think the person would like most. 

    I don't think it's nearly so archaic that it screams "property of the husband." I think that, however it's worded, if someone is sincerely congratulating or wishing someone well, versus being snide, it's obvious. I've heard plenty of snide "congratulations" in my time as well. 
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