XP:enGAYgement

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

I am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me in the next couple of months. Here is where my dilemma is. I am not 'out' to all of my family. I am only out to my immediate family, think parents and siblings. I do plan on talking to my grandparents soon. Do I need to call all my aunts, uncles, cousins, ect? Is there any etiquette for this? I would love some other opinions on this.

Summer2011Bride · May 2013

I don't think you need to call your relatives and tell them you are gay before getting engaged. There really isn't any etiquette per se on how to handle this, just however you feel comfortable. It sounds like you aren't too terribly close to them if they do not know already, so I would just announce your engagement once you are engaged and they will find out then. But that's just me. Like I said, do what you feel comfortable with.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

I would advise you to post on the Gay Weddings forum. There's a lot of really nice ladies over there that would have salient life experience about how to come out to extended family.

My own personal gut feeling on this would be to do it as soon as possible, so things have time to settle by the time the wedding rolls around.

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

Thanks for your suggestions. I posted it here because I wanted some non-gay onions.

Most of my family has met her. My mom just insists on introducing her as my roommate or friend. Part of my thinks this is because she thought I might grow out of this. She also doesn't think relationships should be discussed unless you are married. She introduces my sister's boyfriends as friends as well.

I have talked to my about what she would like because it is mostly her side of the family. She wasn't sure what to do either.

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

My family is tolerant. My uncle is gay and married to his partner. Several members of the family did not attend his wedding because they didn't want their children there.

I am fully prepared for people to be upset/offended about the gay aspect. That is not something I can control. I can control how they find out that the love my life is not a man.

@StageManager14 Where you upset that your cousin came out with STDs?

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

We have been together for a little more than a year and half. We have also been living together for about a year and a half.

I feel that my relationship is not any different than anyone elses. Most straight people don't have to come out to their family as such. I also know that is not the way the world works,

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

That a good point. I didn't think of that. Even though most have met her, they haven't been introduced as my girlfriend. My parents are of the mind frame that if you aren't married you don't get to come. She is not allowed at big events, like Thanksgiving, Christmas or any out of town family gatherings.

I'll just have have be faster than mom and start introducing her as my girlfriend! Hopefully the word will spread.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

I'm of the mindset of people should marry who they fall in love with, regardless of gay or straight.

If I got an STD for a same sex marriage of a cousin or family member I'd probably think yay so and so is getting married. I would be excited and happy for them as any other relationship, whether I knew before or this is how I found out. I'm not close with any extended family members on my side of the family, so to me it wouldn't matter how I found out. If I were closer I'd hope to have met their partner before their engagement.

lezgetmarried1 · May 2013

Thanks! I don't have much to go off of because I don't have any older cousins or siblings.

I have been lurking so I will probably stick around when it's official.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

Thanks Stage!

OP stick around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daria24 · May 2013

I don't think there's any "right" or "wrong" way to let extended family know you are into the ladies, so do what you feel comfortable with. If there are relatives you are closer to, I would make an effort to give them a heads up (although if they are close, they probably already have their suspicions). In the end, those that are going to be upset that you are in a same-sex relationship are going to be upset whether you come out now or via a wedding invitation.

Good luck and whatever happens with your family, I hope you know there are thousands of straight allies that wish you well in your marriage, on these forums and elsewhere.

AndreaV26 · May 2013

There is no right time or way in which to do this. A year ago, my boyfriend transitioned to being my girlfriend. Now there was A LOT of soul searching involved, and I decided to stay. We broke up for a little bit, thinking I couldn't handle it. But it was the most miserable time of my life. I love her for who she is on the inside. And I struggled with how to tell people out of our immediate family that my boyfriend of two years was becoming my girlfriend. Honestly, once she had facial feminization surgery and changed her name on Facebook, that was it. That was how we did it. People started asking questions and all that, and I answered them tactfully. Most people responded really well. You have to expect that people will be shocked. But once the questions start coming in, just be matter-of-factly. "This is who I love. We would be honored to have you attend', etc. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

QueerFemme · May 2013

If you are out to your immediate family, I wouldn't call all the extended relatives. I'm sure they probably already know or it won't come as a huge surprise.

mlg78 · May 2013

I agree with cmg... There's a good chance they know or already have a feeling about the situation. Just pop the question! Good luck and congrats!

Gypsy79 · May 2013

lezgetmarried1 said:

Thanks for your suggestions. I posted it here because I wanted some non-gay onions.

Most of my family has met her. My mom just insists on introducing her as my roommate or friend. Part of my thinks this is because she thought I might grow out of this. She also doesn't think relationships should be discussed unless you are married. She introduces my sister's boyfriends as friends as well.

I have talked to my about what she would like because it is mostly her side of the family. She wasn't sure what to do either.

Also ditto what @cmgilpin said. I would tell immediate family that doesn't know yet, then send STDs to those you intend to invite.

allispain · May 2013

I would think that at least some of your extended family have guessed, since your mom routinely introduces SOs as friends, unless of course you bring a lot of friends (platonic ones, not alluding to multiple romantic partners) to family events.

Congrats on the almost-proposal!!!

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