My second, His first...?

ShallowSeas · May 2013

I am recently divorced. I got married in October 2011 to my high school sweetheart of 10 years. Unfortunately, he became everything he promised he never would and, long story short, gave me no other option but to file for divorce. During our separation, I began hanging out with a friend I had met in college 6 years earlier. Eventually the friendship became more and we began dating and are now living together. He has brought up the topic of marriage several times and has expressed that he does want to get married in the near future and has even talked about wedding plans; although we are not engaged yet. My issue is this: If we get married, it would be my second wedding and his first. He does want a wedding but not a big one. I would love to have a wedding but I'm not sure about second wedding etiquette. I certainly don't expect my parents to pay for it and I will not ask them to do so, but as far as how big of a wedding, wedding gifts, that sort of thing, whats appropriate? Its his first wedding and I don't want to take away that from him. And even though its my second wedding, it's my first wedding to him and I feel like every wedding should be special and every marriage should be celebrated. Anyone have any similar situations or any advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

krispi921 · May 2013

I'm in the same situation - my second, his first (except that I've been divorced for a while). We are planning a smaller, 75-ish person wedding. We are mostly paying for it ourselves, which has been great, because we get to make all the decisions. We are trying to keep things simple, while still giving this moment the celebration it deserves. In hindsight, I can see that it's only one day out of many that we will share together, but I still want it to be special. I am having a shower, but just one small one, we have a medium sized registry, and I will be having a bachelorette party. After all that I've been through to get here, my friends and family are happy for me and want to celebrate. And to be honest, I'm not sure how many of his friends and family even realize that I've been married before (I don't keep it a secret, but it's not exactly something that omes up in conversation).

ETA: In some ways, I'm even more excited this time around. I have a lot more life experience that helps me appreciate finally finding "the one". And he was a long-time commitment phobe, so his setting down definitely deserves some celebration.

Sue-n-Kevin · May 2013

Welcome to the board!

The ladies around here pretty much feel you should have the wedding you want and don't worry about second wedding etiquette. When I married my husband in August 2011 it was my first, but his third. I found this board and stuck around because the ladies are mature like me (OK, older, LOL) and many of the things we talk about resonate even if it was my first marriage.

We had a lovely, elegant wedding for 75 people in an historic building after a non-denominational ceremony in the historic chapel. Great food, fun, I did a lot of DIY because I like that stuff.

If you page up and down the board a bit, you'll see that many responses to similar questions pretty much result in "Have the wedding you both want and can afford". And, don't let the naysayers get you down.

If you do get engaged and plan a wedding, we love to hear all the plans too!

proudworkingmom82 · May 2013

I am in the same situation. I got married in 2007 and divorced in 2010 after he cheated on me and after a pretty rocky marriage. FI and I have a great relationship and I love him very much and I really want to have a nice wedding (although we are planning a really small wedding). He has never been married before and I want it to be special for both of us, but I too worry about what people will think like "She's doing this again??

Dancer2873 · May 2013

I am in the same boat. Was married in 08, separated in 09 a year from our wedding due to the ex wanting out, met fi jan 10, and then divorced april 10. Fi and I just got engaged January of this year. He is 29, I am 31. This is our first marriage and we arent going balls to the walls like I did the first time, but I also paid the first time and will pay along with fi this time. Our parents are chipping in here and there but the reception and most of the vendors are on us. I am only inviting my mother's side of the family this time around. My father just passed away in March but suffered from a fast progressing parkinsons for the past five years. Other than my grandmother no one from his side could be bothered to help us or him. He bent over backwards to help them when he was healthy and they could care less my first wedding so other than my grandmother no one else is invited. she will probably only come to the ceremony. As much as I would like to have a 75 to 100 person wedding his family alone makes up like 110ppl. I am inviting 16 family members including my immediate family. and then 15 friends and their significant others.

I feel like my ex robbed me of it all. The wedding was great and I paid it myself, he got to keep the house I helped him get by paying for the whole wedding plus the wedding money and gifts we got that he never gave back. I am not going to walk on eggshells because everyone else feels it is wrong, fi and I have to live with it. I am not going to elope because people think its wrong. His family and him shouldn't be denied something they are happy about because I have a past. I will probably have a small shower because like I said I don't really have anything from the first time around other than my mixer and vacuum, which won't be reput on the registry. I am letting Danny choose the stuff he wants so that's that! Don't let people feel like you don't deserve what you want!

MuppetFan · May 2013

This is my second wedding, his first.

I was with my ex for 5 years, married for one. Married for about 3 months before I decided it was the wrong situation, but I knew that for a few years. I just kept trying to make it work and be strong...and then realized I was the only one working towards it.

There's about 6 years between my marriages. I am glad to have had that space and the perspective. I really waited until I was 100% happy this time. Because my first marriage was over so quickly, I experienced a severe amount of personal embarrassment from divorcing. Whether it was warranted or not, I still felt it and to an extent, still feel it.

I was okay with eloping this time, FI expressed he wanted a wedding and I respected that and over time, got excited about making those memories with him. So we are doing the whole thing, dress, cake , bach party etc... However, I was really uncomfortable with a bridal shower that involved my family. My mom talked to my grandmother and aunts about it and they agreed they felt it was inappropriate which really pushed me over that edge.

So that's the one thing I'm avoiding but it's not against etiquette to have one.

theretamaragoes · May 2013

It's so nice to see such kind, supportive responses to the OP

I am in a similar boat... My first husband and I had a VERY small wedding (4 people at a court house!) and split up after only 18 months of marriage. I found out that he was cheating.. He refused counselling and refused to end things with the other woman... Divorce ensued. It was awful and I would not wish it on anyone.

I am now re-marrying. This will be my 2nd Marriage and my wonderful Fiancé's first. I would say that we are treating it the same as any other 'normal' wedding. We're doing most of the normal, traditional things... and anything that we aren't doing, we are avoiding because we simply don't LIKE those traditions, not at all because this is a "second wedding" for me, and we feel like it would somehow be inappropriate.

As long as you aren't expecting Mom/Dad/Rich Auntie to pay for your SECOND wedding as well as your first, I think that anything goes. Do whatever you & your fiancé want & can afford... and remind yourself of how fortunate we are to have a second chance at this beautiful thing called love & marriage

krispi921 · May 2013

theretamaragoes said:

It's so nice to see such kind, supportive responses to the OP

I am in a similar boat... My first husband and I had a VERY small wedding (4 people at a court house!) and split up after only 18 months of marriage. I found out that he was cheating.. He refused counselling and refused to end things with the other woman... Divorce ensued. It was awful and I would not wish it on anyone.

I am now re-marrying. This will be my 2nd Marriage and my wonderful Fiancé's first. I would say that we are treating it the same as any other 'normal' wedding. We're doing most of the normal, traditional things... and anything that we aren't doing, we are avoiding because we simply don't LIKE those traditions, not at all because this is a "second wedding" for me, and we feel like it would somehow be inappropriate.

As long as you aren't expecting Mom/Dad/Rich Auntie to pay for your SECOND wedding as well as your first, I think that anything goes. Do whatever you & your fiancé want & can afford... and remind yourself of how fortunate we are to have a second chance at this beautiful thing called love & marriage

We are treating ours like a "normal" wedding too. I didn't want him to miss out on any traditions because I have a past - that's not fair to him. And the things we are / aren't doing are totally because we want / don't wan't to do them.

coopsbaby · May 2013

krispi921 said:

theretamaragoes said:

It's so nice to see such kind, supportive responses to the OP

I am in a similar boat... My first husband and I had a VERY small wedding (4 people at a court house!) and split up after only 18 months of marriage. I found out that he was cheating.. He refused counselling and refused to end things with the other woman... Divorce ensued. It was awful and I would not wish it on anyone.

I am now re-marrying. This will be my 2nd Marriage and my wonderful Fiancé's first. I would say that we are treating it the same as any other 'normal' wedding. We're doing most of the normal, traditional things... and anything that we aren't doing, we are avoiding because we simply don't LIKE those traditions, not at all because this is a "second wedding" for me, and we feel like it would somehow be inappropriate.

As long as you aren't expecting Mom/Dad/Rich Auntie to pay for your SECOND wedding as well as your first, I think that anything goes. Do whatever you & your fiancé want & can afford... and remind yourself of how fortunate we are to have a second chance at this beautiful thing called love & marriage

We are treating ours like a "normal" wedding too. I didn't want him to miss out on any traditions because I have a past - that's not fair to him. And the things we are / aren't doing are totally because we want / don't wan't to do them.

We did too. I didn't care about some things that he did, so we did them (like having a cake cutting), and the ones we don't like we skipped (like spotlight dances!) It's totally how we would have done things if I hadn't been married before.

niki&rob · May 2013

I know how you feel. we have pretty much the same story, except my aunts have told me not to be embarrassed about it. I left my ex 6 months after we were married, i was 24 and naive to thnk things would be different once we were married. He was a drinker and i had, had enough, my family didnt know how bad his drinking was and looked down on me for leaving. fast forward two years, met this awesome sexy man, we had two children and five years later we are getting married. will be 8 years between weddings, Im just hoping nobody remembers that last guy lol.

MuppetFan said:

This is my second wedding, his first.

I was with my ex for 5 years, married for one. Married for about 3 months before I decided it was the wrong situation, but I knew that for a few years. I just kept trying to make it work and be strong...and then realized I was the only one working towards it.

There's about 6 years between my marriages. I am glad to have had that space and the perspective. I really waited until I was 100% happy this time. Because my first marriage was over so quickly, I experienced a severe amount of personal embarrassment from divorcing. Whether it was warranted or not, I still felt it and to an extent, still feel it.

I was okay with eloping this time, FI expressed he wanted a wedding and I respected that and over time, got excited about making those memories with him. So we are doing the whole thing, dress, cake , bach party etc... However, I was really uncomfortable with a bridal shower that involved my family. My mom talked to my grandmother and aunts about it and they agreed they felt it was inappropriate which really pushed me over that edge.

So that's the one thing I'm avoiding but it's not against etiquette to have one.

Dancer2873 · May 2013

Muppetfan it makes me so sad that your family said that to you. I hope your fiance's family helps you celebrate and have a great shower for you and your fiance!

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