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Wedding Woes

Vent- why is finding a venue so difficult?

I'm starting to get very frustrated. I want to have my wedding next April, but here I am, two full months after getting engaged and I don't have a venue or a date locked down. I've looked at probably 100 places online, seen a handful in person, and so far nothing. There is one place that I really like but they aren't getting back to me at all. I've contacted two more places this weekend and hopefully between these three we'll find it.

The challenge is that I was something different and affordable with a lot of conditions. I'm working within the parameters of being close to Burbank, CA for my fiance's family while also meeting my mom's requirements- no dirt, no long walks for guests, no windy road to get there, etc. And meeting my own desires to have an outdoor ceremony and indoor reception preferably at a venue that allows for outside food and beverage. On top of it all, my fiance was no help to me when I first started looking and now he feels like I've seen too much to be help as everywhere he suggests I've already vetted. My mom hasn't been any help either even though she's the one saying no to all the places I like. And every day that ticks by more venues are getting snatched up by other brides, cutting my available locations down further.

It's days like this that I wish I didn't care what the wedding looked like and just book it at a country club or hotel and be done with it. I sometimes wonder how much it really matters where we get married. But I can't help but care. I'm too passionate about design and standing apart to do something easy, and it's starting to wear me out.
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Re: Vent- why is finding a venue so difficult?

  • So act like a pro and think practically. Which is your top priority? Placating others, having the yooneek wedding of your weddinggasms (but not really as many other wedding parties have rented a venue before and will rent after you) economizing on $$$, or just finding a decent "i can deal with this" compromise for everything?
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  • While I think that you should take what others would like into consideration I would not base your entire wedding off of their needs/wants/ideas...after all this is your wedding!

    I have to ask, why are your mothers needs so particular? "no dirt, no long walks for guests, no windy road to get there" 

    My wedding will be at a golf course, on the lake and it's about 1 mile from the country club.  Our guests are shuttled down to the lake by the course so I'm sure if distance is an issue you can work something out with the venue you choose.

    It seems as though your setting up road blocks for yourself...Don't let that happen!

  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I was in the same boat as you - I couldn't find a venue that I liked in our price range that would fit our vision for the wedding.  I ended up compromising on a few things and I have a very plain hall, but we are going to dress it up to make it nice to suit our vision.  Sometimes the right hall doesn't look like the right hall at first. 

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    SBmini said:
    I'm too passionate about design and standing apart to do something easy, and it's starting to wear me out.
    woe is you.
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  • I thought the Baroque chick was already married.



    OP - this task is only as hard as you make it. Sounds like you're making it pure hell.
  • Unless your mother is paying, she doesn't get to say "no." She can make (reasonable) requests or suggestions, but unless she's coughing up the $$$ to find her super-specific venue, she doesn't get the final say.

    Scrap everything you've done. Sit down with your FI and make a list of "must haves" and "would likes" and honestly evaluate each criteria. Realize you may have to compromise on something (i.e., bringing in your own food). Figure out what you can afford, find things under that number, and go from there.

    You are making this harder than it needs to be.

    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2013

    While I think that you should take what others would like into consideration I would not base your entire wedding off of their needs/wants/ideas...after all this is your wedding!

    I have to ask, why are your mothers needs so particular? "no dirt, no long walks for guests, no windy road to get there" 

    My wedding will be at a golf course, on the lake and it's about 1 mile from the country club.  Our guests are shuttled down to the lake by the course so I'm sure if distance is an issue you can work something out with the venue you choose.

    It seems as though your setting up road blocks for yourself...Don't let that happen!

    She's paying so she does have a say. Although, she's using that privilege more than I'd like. She also won't "allow" me to wear the dress she bought me anywhere where it may possibly get a little bit dirty because apparently, dry cleaning doesn't exist. Oh, and some how, dirt is harder to get out than grass stains. And dirt is more dangerous than grass. She seems to think that everyone will trip and fall and sprain their ankle if there is any surface other than concrete or grass. I don't know where she gets these ideas, but she's made it clear that it's her way or no way at all. That is another topic for another day.

    Outside catering and alcohol is out of respect. My fiance's family is footing the bill for the alcohol and they are not very well off. While not mandatory, being able to bring our own alcohol will cut their expenses in half, and it will probably be cheaper for my parents too. It is one area where I am flexible. 

    As for sitting down and making a list, this is how that conversation has gone:

    Me: "Is there anything in particular you'd like at the wedding?"
    Him: "Oh... uh... no. I haven't thought about it."
    Me: "OK, well think about it. Is there any food you'd like, or anything about the location. Are you OK with an outside wedding?"
    Him: "Yeah, all of that sounds fine."

    The only things he's requested is that it be close to Burbank, chicken is served, and we come into the hall to traditional Armenian music. So I'm respecting that since he's pretty much letting me decide everything else.
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  • You just gave yourself a wonderful excuse not to include him at all. And an excuse to continue being upset with the planning process. Well done.

    If all you're interested in is complaining but not doing anything to improve the situation, like being a bit more flexible or understanding that your vision just might not work in it's entirety (it's totally possible to make a "traditional" setting more "unique"), then I'm not sure what to tell you.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    You just gave yourself a wonderful excuse not to include him at all. And an excuse to continue being upset with the planning process. Well done.

    If all you're interested in is complaining but not doing anything to improve the situation, like being a bit more flexible or understanding that your vision just might not work in it's entirety (it's totally possible to make a "traditional" setting more "unique"), then I'm not sure what to tell you.
    I'm sorry, I thought this was the wedding woes subsection where we were supposed to discuss things that were bothering/frustrating us. If you aren't going to be sympathetic to people having trouble with the planning process, then I'm not sure why you are here. I also don't understand your solution. It seems as though you are saying I should just tell my fiance and my family to hell with what they want. That is neither respectful or healthy. 

    I have a legitimate problem here of trying to plan a wedding in another state with an unique set of considerations. I don't know what the solution is other than to continue to look for something that I like and passes muster with my mom. I can't tell my mom that she doesn't have a say, because she's paying for the wedding. I can't tell my fiance he doesn't have a say, because he does. And if I bend to everyone then I won't have anything left that is me. A solution isn't as easy as just telling people that they don't have an opinion or removing my own opinion from the matter. And I'm sure I am not the first bride to run into this situation. 

    If you didn't have problems balancing the wishes of others with your own wants, then consider yourself lucky. But if you don't have anything constructive to add, I kindly ask that you go support other brides with their woes.
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  • SBmini said:
     
    She's paying so she does have a say. Although, she's using that privilege more than I'd like. She also won't "allow" me to wear the dress she bought me anywhere where it may possibly get a little bit dirty because apparently, dry cleaning doesn't exist. Oh, and some how, dirt is harder to get out than grass stains. And dirt is more dangerous than grass. She seems to think that everyone will trip and fall and sprain their ankle if there is any surface other than concrete or grass. I don't know where she gets these ideas, but she's made it clear that it's her way or no way at all. That is another topic for another day.

    Have you considered pushing the wedding back so you and your FI can save up money to pay for it yourself?  You said yourself that your mom is taking advantage of the say her money gets, so why not cut that out completely?

  • I'm not telling you to bend to everyone. I'm saying that your vision might not work in it's entirety. You might have to use bits and pieces. It's called compromise.

    You're marrying a partner, he has a say. I saw your comment about how the conversation would go, try approaching it differently. He might actually have thoughts about what he might want but not feel that his answers fit specific questions being asked. You're accepting Mom's money - she gets a big say. You want it all your way without having to consider her input, then pay for the wedding yourself.


  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I don't want to push the wedding back. We've been together for 10 years, I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I want to start a family. We purchased a home last year and we are not financially in a place where we can afford it ourselves. I'd much rather compromise I want than be in debt or wait another five years. It's just been hard, it's been really hard, because I don't want to give up everything I want in the process.

    He does have a say, I'm sending him places and he gives me his opinion on them. If he doesn't like it, it doesn't go any further than that. It just sucks that I am the ONLY one looking. I just feel like if other people want to have a say, they should be part of the work too, but so far I'm not getting anything from them. It's to the point where I'm about to call my mom and tell her that she finds something that she thinks is suitable, or I'm just going to book a venue. She's OK with the place I like, but they aren't getting back to me. It's been two weeks, I've emailed three times and left a voicemail. 

    I've already given up my vision. I wanted to get married in Zion National Park, but I was the only one who thought that sounded like a good idea. I've wanted to get married in a national park for as long as I can remember. I'm just trying now to grasp to a thread of what is me in this entire process but it seems like with every day that passes, I lose my grip a little bit more. I'm losing myself in this process and I don't think there is a solution that won't leave someone upset. 
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  • SBmini said:
    I don't want to push the wedding back. We've been together for 10 years, I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I want to start a family. We purchased a home last year and we are not financially in a place where we can afford it ourselves. I'd much rather compromise I want than be in debt or wait another five years. It's just been hard, it's been really hard, because I don't want to give up everything I want in the process.

    He does have a say, I'm sending him places and he gives me his opinion on them. If he doesn't like it, it doesn't go any further than that. It just sucks that I am the ONLY one looking. I just feel like if other people want to have a say, they should be part of the work too, but so far I'm not getting anything from them. It's to the point where I'm about to call my mom and tell her that she finds something that she thinks is suitable, or I'm just going to book a venue. She's OK with the place I like, but they aren't getting back to me. It's been two weeks, I've emailed three times and left a voicemail. 

    I've already given up my vision. I wanted to get married in Zion National Park, but I was the only one who thought that sounded like a good idea. I've wanted to get married in a national park for as long as I can remember. I'm just trying now to grasp to a thread of what is me in this entire process but it seems like with every day that passes, I lose my grip a little bit more. I'm losing myself in this process and I don't think there is a solution that won't leave someone upset. 

    Dude.  You have so many options, but you don't want to do any of them.  You want all of the $$$ from other people and have everything the way you want it.  That would be awesome, but it's not going to happen.

    It's time to stop dwelling on that and make some decisions.  What is most important?  Getting married next April?  Having the wedding you've always wanted?

    If you don't want to push the wedding back AND you don't want to deal with your overbearing mother, go to the courthouse with your FI.  DONE.

    Or plan an intimate backyard (outdoor) wedding and pay for it yourself. <<This would be the option between courthouse and the wedding you can't afford for 5 years.

  • Wedding and marriage are two different things. One is vastly more important to think about and get wrapped up in. The other is just one day. One day in the rest of your life. You are marrying someone. This is a celebration of that. If it's becoming something that you're dreading you need to reevaluate your wedding and process involved.

    The regs here have been in your shoes. With you issues. This isn't an unique situation. Take a step back. Take a deep breath. And repeat - It's just one day.


  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Okay, Zion won't work.  What was it about that place you loved and other people said no to?  Is there a local park that would be close and still have some elements you want.  List things out and be as specific as possible.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    tawillers said:
    SBmini said:
    I don't want to push the wedding back. We've been together for 10 years, I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I want to start a family. We purchased a home last year and we are not financially in a place where we can afford it ourselves. I'd much rather compromise I want than be in debt or wait another five years. It's just been hard, it's been really hard, because I don't want to give up everything I want in the process.

    He does have a say, I'm sending him places and he gives me his opinion on them. If he doesn't like it, it doesn't go any further than that. It just sucks that I am the ONLY one looking. I just feel like if other people want to have a say, they should be part of the work too, but so far I'm not getting anything from them. It's to the point where I'm about to call my mom and tell her that she finds something that she thinks is suitable, or I'm just going to book a venue. She's OK with the place I like, but they aren't getting back to me. It's been two weeks, I've emailed three times and left a voicemail. 

    I've already given up my vision. I wanted to get married in Zion National Park, but I was the only one who thought that sounded like a good idea. I've wanted to get married in a national park for as long as I can remember. I'm just trying now to grasp to a thread of what is me in this entire process but it seems like with every day that passes, I lose my grip a little bit more. I'm losing myself in this process and I don't think there is a solution that won't leave someone upset. 

    Dude.  You have so many options, but you don't want to do any of them.  You want all of the $$$ from other people and have everything the way you want it.  That would be awesome, but it's not going to happen.

    It's time to stop dwelling on that and make some decisions.  What is most important?  Getting married next April?  Having the wedding you've always wanted?

    If you don't want to push the wedding back AND you don't want to deal with your overbearing mother, go to the courthouse with your FI.  DONE.

    Or plan an intimate backyard (outdoor) wedding and pay for it yourself. <<This would be the option between courthouse and the wedding you can't afford for 5 years.

    I don't understand how you can see that this way. I've given up my dream wedding location for the people I love because I respect their opinions. Even then, even with being super open and looking at everything from public parks to equestrian centers and restaurants, I can't find anything that is available, within budget and that I like and my mother accepts. I simply don't know where else to be flexible. I'm flexible on date. I'm flexible on city. I'm flexible on look and feel of the location. I've gone from the lawn of Zion Lodge to looking at community centers. 

    How can you say that I am refusing to compromise? I am compromising, I just feel like no one else is, or respects what I have agreed to give up. If anything, I think I'm being too flexible and need to stand up to my mom and make sure my opinion is being heard too. My only solution cannot be to elope, that's not what my fiance or I want. Backyard wedding? Precious, but there isn't enough space. It's going to work out, it's just going to be hell until I find a venue. 
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  • edited May 2013

    It sounds you have a lot of passion about design and décor, so I'm sure you can turn the venue into what your vision is. A hotel wedding doesn't have to look cookie cutter.

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  • Lots of hotels have outdoor areas for weddings.  It would probably take care of your mother's objections re: walking too. Also, can't you have the wedding in place A and reception in place B?
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    VarunaTT said:
    Lots of hotels have outdoor areas for weddings.  It would probably take care of your mother's objections re: walking too. Also, can't you have the wedding in place A and reception in place B?
    I can. One of my favorite options would have been ceremony at a nature center, reception at a restaurant. But my mom nixed that idea. Part of the challenge that most of the parks that allow for ceremonies are located in Malibu, which is impossible to get to on a Saturday. I think the guests would be frustrated by that decision. But I have been looking into that. And I probably should give hotels another chance, so far I haven't seen anything that impresses me, but I should try again.

    LA Rivers Center is booked, Paudra Theater just let me know they are booked all spring as well. Still waiting to hear back from the Diamond Bar Center. I submitted my request again to Temescal Gateway Park- my #1 choice- and just requested information for Union Station in LA. Definitely thinking outside of the box now. 
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    Have you considered changing your date?  Ask the places you do like what dates ARE available within a few weeks of your original date and try going from there.
  • ^^^I have no idea why it looks like I quoted.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm looking for any Saturday in spring now to open up my opinions. I contacted another 10 places today- everything from hotels to country clubs to a train station. Really pulling for the train station. I went through my emails and did the math. I've contacted 40 venues now. Most are not available, some are not getting back to me, and others are out for a variety of reasons from early end times to logistical challenges. I've gone back and recontacted a few after knocking down the list of must haves, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere closer to having a venue booked.
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  • Spring and Saturday = Prime wedding season. It's going to be hard to find something with those specifications. Sunday might be easier.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yeah, I know. I thought I'd have this locked down a month ago when venues still had good availability. It's hard too because I'm not in town to look at the venues. I made one trip out last month and will be making another out in two weeks where I will hopefully secure the spot. 

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  • This might be a time when a wedding planner could come in handy.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Woo-hoo! New place contacted me- it's in budget, has a beautiful reception spot and availability in spring. No outside food or beverage and it's a hotel, but it's got good potential.
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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    YAY! Happy for you!

    I was having a lot of trouble with it too, and thankfully I found a venue! I was getting very frustrated at one point. One reason because a few places didnt even contact me beck, which I thought was quite rude, but I crossed them off the list.


  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Well, it seems like complaining about the situation got the universe's gears moving. I finally heard back from my top choice venue and have all the information from them at midnight. 

    I showed my fiance some of the new places. He likes the new art deco places I found like Union Station and the Roosevelt Hotel (still awaiting info from them) but he wasn't impressed with the modern hotel I found. He doesn't think it has enough character and doesn't want me to compromise that much on what I want. Which is sweet, but not very helpful at this point. I think I'll still schedule an appointment to see the hotel. And frankly- nothing is Zion so its mattering less and less to me what that location is.
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  • SBmini said:
     And frankly- nothing is Zion so its mattering less and less to me what that location is.

    I think our venue is beautiful, but regardless, I feel the same way about it. I wanted to get married in Vermont with just our close friends and family, but because he has a huge family that is very Christian, we needed to find a place in Nashville at a church that would allow non-parishioners to get married in their building. It's not my 'dream wedding', but I've never had a 'dream wedding', so that helps. I'm viewing the wedding as our gift to our friends and family, but the marriage is ours.

  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    SBmini said:
     And frankly- nothing is Zion so its mattering less and less to me what that location is.

    I think our venue is beautiful, but regardless, I feel the same way about it. I wanted to get married in Vermont with just our close friends and family, but because he has a huge family that is very Christian, we needed to find a place in Nashville at a church that would allow non-parishioners to get married in their building. It's not my 'dream wedding', but I've never had a 'dream wedding', so that helps. I'm viewing the wedding as our gift to our friends and family, but the marriage is ours.
    That is a lovely way to think about it! 
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