Keeping the Peace

katewa · May 2013

How does the mother of the groom handle the mother of the bride tactfully, when she keeps adding things to the wedding but she is not paying for it? In this case, the groom's parents agreed to pick up 50% of the cost. But more was added and put on our tab so we are now picking up 75% of the cost. I don't want to cause any problems and I don't want any arguing but I am at my limit financially. Any suggestions??

misshart00 · May 2013

Tell your son that you can only afford X amount. Anything else is on the bride an groom. You shouldn't have to pay for extra guests.

katewa · May 2013

My son is on board with me but for instance, I sent invitations out for the rehearsal dinner. Her mother invited more people - just regular guests and e-mailed me. But these added guests really increased the cost of the rehearsal. When I said something to her, she said then I would have to tell them they can't come, making me look like the bad guy. Plus she e-mailed me and said she ordered another photographer so there would be two. I told her I couldn't pay for a second photographer and I got an e-mail back saying I agreed to pay the photography bill. I did when it was one. The kids don't know all this. I hesitate to tell them because I don't want to upset them and cause problems but am I being taking advantage of here?

QueerFemme · May 2013

yes, first time ever I have agreed with NYU. You need to have a conversation with your son and his FI and tell him that if her mother has additional requests, they need to be run through them, and you won't be able to financially accomodate her add-ons.

katewa · May 2013

Thank you NYUgirl. You are right that I am going to have to explain this to them. I know he will be so upset that this happened and I hate to do this but he needs to know. I am just so shocked that a grown adult would do this.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

No, the MOB is wrong, and rude, and you need to tell "the kids" (I assume you mean your children, who are old enough to be told what's going on, if they're old enough to be getting married) EXACTLY what MOB is doing.

You tell MOB, "I'm sorry, but the RD is for X number of people only. I have given a list of names to the venue staff and all people will have to check in with the staff to be admitted to the RD. If you don't tell your friends they're not invited, you will look bad, not me. Also, I agreed to pay for photography when there was ONE photographer, at $X price. If you feel the second photographer is necessary, then by all means, please pay for it."

Then you tell your son this. And his FI. And you let your son see what kind of girl his FI is, because a good person would be AGHAST at her mother's behavior and would be shutting that down so fast the mother's head would spin. It would also behoove your son to learn that he is marrying into a family that believes blackmail and guilt trips are acceptable methods of problem-solving.

erinlin25 · May 2013

yikes-- you need to set a budget and now. It is rude for MOB to just assume its being covered and you need to pay for it. PPs had great advise. All I would add is if this were my mother I would be pissed and would want to know. I would hope the bride would talk to her mother and let her know its not cool. It has come to the point where they do need to be involved so you have some back up. Set a budget for the RD and say you can accomodate this many people. Give MOB a number, if she invited over that number she pays for it. Simple as that.

Jen4948 · May 2013

You know, the fact that the bride's mother is doing these terrible things doesn't mean that the bride is on board with it. As PPs have noted, bring it to her and the groom's attention that the MOB is doing this, and if the bride reacts defensively, then yes, it does mean that she's a bad apple from a rotten tree. But that might not be the case-she might be just as horrified as you! I'd reserve judgment until you tell her and she responds.

NerdyLucy · May 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

And honestly if I was the bride in this situation and knew what was going on I would be wildly embarassed that my mother was doing this and talk to her myself about it.

Yes, yes, yes. I couldn't even imagine.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

I would choose your words very carefully when/if you talk to your son - disclosing too much of this may cause lasting bad feelings between your son and his FILs and between him and his bride.

You could avoid the potential bad feelings by staying mute on what has happened so far and setting a monetary amount (i.e. sit your son and FDIL down and say, "I need to cap the wedding expenses at $XXXX. Here's a check for that amount. I'm contributing as much as I possibly can and you have my love and support."). Done. Let bygones be bygones and wash your hands of this crazy MOB.

My parents gave us a flat amount. Their message was, "You're an adult (obviously since you're getting married) and you can plan a nice wedding for this amount. If you plan something more expensive, it's up to you. If your wedding costs less, consider the rest a gift." I'm so grateful they did it this way - I see stuff all the time with couples having to involve others for every little thing for approval, input, etc... It would be exhausting IMO. Who knows? Maybe they'll be grateful if you do it this way too.

southernredandwhite85 · May 2013

In regard to the photographer, how can she add a 2nd photographer & expect you to pay for it if you signed a contract for one? Maybe tell her that you've already signed the contract for one. Good luck

Keeping the Peace

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