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inconsiderate inlaws

[Deleted User][Deleted User]
in Wedding Woes
My FIs older brother got engaged three weeks ago to the girl he has been dating for seven years. They have been talking about it for a long time and even asked us not to use a specific weekend because they were planning to elope at that time. Now they have planned an in town wedding, and scheduled it for the night of my graduation ceremony from residency. I have worked my whole life to get to this point and the graduation is a special black tie affair. I feel that they are telling me that I am not am important member of the family by scheduling their wedding for this same night. I am also horrified that they are making my FI choose between me and his brother. I brought it up with the brother and he blew me off, telling me that I was making a big deal of nothing and that he was not forcing anyone to choose sides. My FI plans to go to the ceremony and skip the reception in order to make my ceremony. I now really don't want to see his brother at family functions because I am angry and hurt. It is also causing problems because I have invited the wives of his other brother's to my bachelorett party, but do not want to invite his brother's fiance. Am I overreacting or does this seem incredibly inconsiderate to anyone else?
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Re: inconsiderate inlaws

  • Leah&Christian09Leah&Christian09 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, you are overreacting.  As busy adults, we all have scheduling conflicts.  If they were making a big deal out of your FI missing their reception, that would be bad.  But they aren't.  You don't know what all went into picking that date.  Maybe that's the only day they could get the venue or her family had scheduling problems.  And even if they didn't, no one is asking you to change your plans.If you want to be disappointed, go ahead, but you and your FI will be at your graduation.  You aren't being inconvenienced in any way.  Holding a grudge is childish.  Not talking to him and not inviting your FSIL to your bachelorette makes you look like a huge baby.
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  • hollieheidihollieheidi member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OK, I for one *DON'T* think you're overreacting.  It's not like you're graduating from your underwater basketweaving class, you're going to be a doctor for pete's sake!I completely see that by them scheduling this on your graduation that it does not reflect their support of you and your hard work.  I also feel that while their wedding may be "their" special day that the world in fact, does NOT revlove around them and require your life to revolve around their choice of venue availability, wedding date choice, or DJ availability.  It shows lack of manners and respect.With that said, I don't think you should be the one to talk to your FBIL, I think it should be your FI.  Maybe I'm selfish, but I would ask your FI to choose. I know that it would never be a choice with my FI, he would be with me the entire night showing his support for me and our life together.  But again, I understand the difficulty of the choice.  Let's face it, there isn't anything that *you* should do. No matter what you say it's going to come across as selfish and whiny to his family.  HE has to be the one to decide if it's a big deal and what to do about it.  As far as the bach party, I would leave the invites as they are.  The other brother's wife doesn't have anything to do with it, but there is no reason to invite the FI/wife of the offending brother.  It's your party and I'm sure you're not hosting so it's up to YOUR host to pass out the invites.  No reason for her to get one now for sure!Maybe I haven't had enough sleep (because I work in a hospital on the night shift) and this response sounds snarky, but I work in healthcare and I DO appreciate what it takes to become a doctor and all of the BS that goes with it!  I applaud you and everything that you have done and the sacrifices that you have made to reach this goal.  I'm sure FI is proud and it's unfair that he's in such a tough spot.  Maybe he can find a way to talk to his brother and everything will work out in the end.  If not, enjoy your graduation, grit your teeth around the family and enjoy planning your wedding!
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I fail to see why your FI's brother and his soon-to-be-wife need to schedule their wedding around you.  Beyond that, if their families were also involved in selecting the date I fail to see why their entire families should schedule things around you.  Yes, you are about to achieve something wonderful and I get that you are disappointed about the conflict.You may very well be a important member of the family but you are not the only person who has a schedule that needs to be considered.  When planning my wedding, unfortunately, my mother and father were more important to me (in terms of scheduling) than DH's brother's FI.You are making entirely too big a deal about this and the fact that you are raising a stink will only further damage your relationship with members of his family.  Let your FI make the decision that works best for him and since you have a previous engagement you just simply won't be able to attend.They aren't personally attacking you with this decision so you need to stop acting like they are.  Invite the brother's FI if you were planning on it and stop viewing this as some sort of statement about you personally.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I totally see where you're coming from. It's not just that YOU'LL be busy with the graduation ceremony that night, but so will your fiancé. So while I get the FBIL not being able to take your schedule into consideration, they should have at least tried to work with your fiancé's schedule. It's hard to schedule a wedding on a night when ALL your VIPs are free. Try not to feel bad for yourself or take their chosen wedding date personally. Your fiance is still coming to your graduation and although you're going to miss the wedding, it's just one event out of many to come.
    Also, don't worry about the FBIL's wife attending your prewedding functions. Invite her. She isn't to blame, no one is. Have fun and enjoy yourself at your graduation AND your bach party.
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  • GetThePointe77GetThePointe77 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    As someone in Med school I get where you are coming from with the residency graduation thing...a lot of people may not completely though :( SORRY about the in-laws that sounds like a sticky situation, but your FI seems to be really trying to support you!
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  • rel1988rel1988 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer First Anniversary

    I am also curious as to if they knew your graduation was this night as well.

    Considering they aren't being angry with your FI for skipping the reception, neither should you. He will be at your graduation so that's all that matters. You don't know why they picked that date and I'm pretty sure it's not because they purposely planned it that way. Shit happens. It's very catty of you to exclude FSIL to you pre-wedding events just because you're upset. You are going to be around her at family functions for the rest of your life so you need to let it go, put on your big-girl panties and drop it.

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's a 4 year old thread...read people.
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