Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Invitation Dilemma

gmcr78gmcr78 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hi guys, I could use some unbiased 3rd party/strictly etiquette opinions on a dilemma I have so I'm hoping you can help.  This might be a little long, so apoligies in advance.

I have a group of 2nd cousins who are sisters (all adults in their 40's-50's).  We're fairly close to this family, and closer to them than some of my first cousins.  The issue is with one of the sisters. 

All but one is wonderful. The one who isn't is one of those people who is socially ignorant, and you never know what she's going to say or do.  She's not always nice, and more often than not she's completely obnoxious. We don't like being around her all that much, but she's family, so we deal with her at family functions and such.  At times her sisters have had issues with her as well and as a result she is on and off with being on speaking terms with them and other family members.

We were initially planning on inviting all of the sisters and their spouses.  But my own sister got married earlier this year in a destination wedding, and this cousin sent her back the rudest RSVP card I've ever seen.  On it, she checked the line next to "decline with regret" and crossed out the words "with regret".  Then, she hand wrote this:

"not with regret but because we are poor. Not everyone can pick up and fly to *city*.  Have fun with the ELITE"

Here's the jist of it-we don't like this cousin.  My FI doesn't want to invite her.  My immediate family doesn't like this cousin, and would not be upset if we didn't invite her to the wedding.  We don't want to invite her to the wedding b/c she's an obnoxious brat who we'd have to warn the DJ about in advance about grabbing the mic and causing a scene.  But it feels a little squicky to me to invite the rest of her sisters, and not her.  Even if they're not really close or even on speaking terms with her when the wedding rolls around.

I'm not clear on what is the right thing to do here.  If we don't invite her, will I feel badly about it and regret it later? She will surely not let it go, but I'm not sure that I care.  We're not close and I have no desire to be. But it'll be a pretty public slight, I think.  If we do invite her, she'll likely be an obnoxious twat all night and probably start trouble with my mother and sister. 

I just don't know what to do.

Is there any etiquette reason why we should invite her?

Report Reply to Post

Re: Invitation Dilemma

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    "Is there any etiquette reason why we should invite her?" Can't think of one.
    Report Reply
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
       All choices choices, good or bad come with consequences.     It's just life. 


    To answer you question, no there is no etiquette reason to invite her.  Can't speak for a family dynamics one though?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I tried really hard to invite in tiers/circles (i.e. if one first cousin, all first cousins, etc.). But I had a similar situation with 2nd cousins. There are a couple of trouble makers (also in their 40's) who are second cousins and have been the root of serious family issues. I invited their siblings and not them. All the siblings, the mother, and all other extended family who were invited came to my shower. We haven't had the wedding yet, but it seems like if they were upset about it, they'd "boycott" wedding related events.

    I say don't invite her - if you're worried now, you'll probably be worried about it the day of and who wants to be thinking about someone like that on their wedding day?
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2013
    When it comes to adult guests you can invite or not invite anyone you want and not break etiquette as long as you invite their SOs. (assuming you don't invite uninvited wedding guests to any pre-wedding events)

    PPs are right that inviting in circles is a good way to avoid family drama... but it sounds like from your post that very few in the family actually like her. If she's as big of a black sheep as you make her sound, I have to wonder if it will really upset anyone or not. You're the only on that can judge that.

    Before you make the decision think about your other guests "Who might I upset if I don't invite her, how upset will they be, and am I prepared for that drama?" and weigh it against your reasons for not wanting to invite her.
    Report Reply
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2013
    double post. boooooooooooo
    Report Reply
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I'd be fine with the rude RSVP. I think it would hurt my feelings, but also kind of be a little humorous. Like, "Really? This person exists?"
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • gmcr78gmcr78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    Aurianna, I think you hit it right on the head.  Right now I'm trying to think of how other family members will react to my decision not to invite her.  I say "my" decision because since it's my family, that's how it will be viewed, as opposed to "our" decision.

    It's not so much a family circles/tiers issue as it is that every sibling except her will be invited.  We're not inviting some first cousins that we aren't close to, but we're inviting 2nd cousins that we are close to, so it's less of a relation issue than it is that it'll be an obvious exclusion.

    We need to think about this a bit more, I think.  I did not send her a STD, and we're not sending invitations until probably September, so I've got some time. 

    I'm glad to know it wouldn't be an etiquette faux pas, however. That definitely helps.

    I appreciate all your input ladies, sometimes it helps to get a different perspective!

    Report Reply
  • allispainallispain member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    phira said:
    Honestly, I'd be fine with the rude RSVP. I think it would hurt my feelings, but also kind of be a little humorous. Like, "Really? This person exists?"
    I'd see who got the ruder one, me or my sister :-)
    image
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You're not required to invite her.  It doesn't even sound like her sisters or other relatives like her very much.  It's not required that all adult siblings be invited.

    If someone questions her absence, just say, "We had to make hard choices about our guest list, and it wasn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked.  That included her."  It's really none of their business.
    Report Reply
  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    My jaw literally dropped. However, I am family that is obnoxious and we're inviting them because they would make it hell for my grandmother, so I took family dynamic into account. 
    Report Reply
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    gmcr78 said:

    Aurianna, I think you hit it right on the head.  Right now I'm trying to think of how other family members will react to my decision not to invite her.  I say "my" decision because since it's my family, that's how it will be viewed, as opposed to "our" decision.

    It's not so much a family circles/tiers issue as it is that every sibling except her will be invited.  We're not inviting some first cousins that we aren't close to, but we're inviting 2nd cousins that we are close to, so it's less of a relation issue than it is that it'll be an obvious exclusion.

    We need to think about this a bit more, I think.  I did not send her a STD, and we're not sending invitations until probably September, so I've got some time. 

    I'm glad to know it wouldn't be an etiquette faux pas, however. That definitely helps.

    I appreciate all your input ladies, sometimes it helps to get a different perspective!


    did you send her sisters STDs?  If so I think this is a moot point as she already assumes she's not invited and if they were going to start family drama it would have happened already.

    image

     

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards