Are Ushers a new thing?

1FairMaiden · June 2013

My Mom is convinced that having ushers is just tacky and rude, because they're dressed up as though they're in the BP, but not actually standing at the altar. She asked a few months how we were going to involve my brother in the wedding. I said, "We're going to have him be an usher." She thought that meant "groomsman." Then she got all pissy with me when I explained to her that ushers don't actually stand up at the altar, they assist the guests with seating, hand out programs, etc.

Since then, whenever I've seen or spoken to her, my mother's demeanor towards me has been very cold. She constantly says things to me like "Now you have to write thank you notes, because you're receiving gifts." and "you have to thank your shower hosts." and just reminding me about all of these things that are completely common sense, because apparently since I'm committing the "faux pas" of having an usher, (actually, 2 ushers.... one of FI's other friends is going to be an usher as well) I must not know anything else about wedding etiquette. And she does it in this condescending, curt way that just makes me want to smack her. (Sorry, just venting... I would never actually smack my mother. I love her, I swear, she's just making me nuts! A good gif might be very satisfying though!)

So anyway, my question is: is it really a new thing to have Ushers who are not groomsmen, so my Mom just honestly wouldn't have known that this is something people do? Am I being rude to have my brother be an Usher? If I am, then, please correct me on that. He and I aren't close at all, and neither are he and FI, but FI and I did have him over and talk to him about what he would feel comfortable doing. He said being an usher sounds fine to him, but my Mom, and actually, now that I think about it, my step-dad as well, are treating me as though I'm this horrible jerk for not having my brother up at the altar with us.

AddieCake · June 2013

Depends how you define new. The first wedding I ever went to was 25 years ago, and there were ushers.

It's not rude, per se, but it is kind of a crap job. People really can seat themselves. We had one only b/c our original venue had a winding rocky path people would have to walk down and we thought some guests might need a hand, especially if they were in heels. Then we changed venues and didn't need one, but I wasn't about to "unask" him, so we had kind a pointless usher.

You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to have him at the altar, though. Would he be interested in maybe doing a reading?

1FairMaiden · June 2013

Addie, when we had him over to talk to him about what he would feel comfortable doing, giving a reading was one of the things we asked him about. He said no, he wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, although it was one of the things that came to my mind too

Kate61487 · June 2013

ditto Addie that there have been ushers at many if not all of the weddings that I've ever attended.

Hearing usher be called a 'crap job' was new to me coming onto the knot. I always thought it was still considered an honor, though perhaps slightly less than being GM - on par with being a reader. We had three ushers; my brother, my cousin, and one of H's friends. They were listed in the program, introduced at the reception, in many (though not all) of the WP photos.

I think as long at your brother is comfortable with his role you're fine.

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

Until recently I'd never been to a wedding that didn't have ushers. It's always been a pretty traditional thing in the south and an honor. But totally not necessary. If you do have them then yeah, you should get them a thank you gift and all. But I do think guests can seat themselves just fine. It's not rude to have them though.

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

Virtually every wedding I attend has ushers. My H is going to be one in a wedding next week even. We did have a couple ushers at our wedding who escorted the mothers and female guests in as well as rolled out the aisle runner and helped corral guests outside after the ceremony was over. We still very much considered them a part of the WP. They took pics with us, rode in the limo with us, sat with us at dinner, etc. Sure, they aren't standing up with you at the altar, but neither are readers. I guess I don't personally see them as a crap job, depending on what they do and how you go about it.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

Depends how you define new. The first wedding I ever went to was 25 years ago, and there were ushers.

It's not rude, per se, but it is kind of a crap job. People really can seat themselves. We had one only b/c our original venue had a winding rocky path people would have to walk down and we thought some guests might need a hand, especially if they were in heels. Then we changed venues and didn't need one, but I wasn't about to "unask" him, so we had kind a pointless usher.

You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to have him at the altar, though. Would he be interested in maybe doing a reading?

This. I'm more in agreement with you mother.

32daisies · June 2013

If you asked your brother what he wanted to do, and he said he was happy being an usher, I think that pretty much answers the question of "are you being rude to your brother". Of course not, since it's what he wants. But I suspect the real question is, "Is my mother wrong?" To that I would say, it certainly seems like she's making a problem where there isn't one. You're happy, he's happy, it should all be fine.

AddieCake · June 2013

32daisies said:

If you asked your brother what he wanted to do, and he said he was happy being an usher, I think that pretty much answers the question of "are you being rude to your brother". Of course not, since it's what he wants. But I suspect the real question is, "Is my mother wrong?" To that I would say, it certainly seems like she's making a problem where there isn't one. You're happy, he's happy, it should all be fine.

I definitely agree with this. Your mother is the only one who has the problem with it, it seems. As long as HE doesn't feel like it's a crap job, that's the important thing. I had a little kid who handed out bubbles at my wedding, and he thought it was awesome. It's all relative you know?

1FairMaiden · June 2013

Oh, no worries, I know guests are capable of seating themselves, haha! And yeah, definitely planning on getting the ushers gifts.

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. My mom is afraid that my brother won't feel included in the whole day. That was why we wanted to talk to him about what would make him comfortable. And what really gets me about this is that someday, when my little bro gets married, I certainly won't expect to be in the bridal party - especially if I'm not close to his fiancee! I would actually feel kind of awkward if I were an "obligation BM" for someone who I didn't know well.

I think FI and I need to go talk to my parents about the whole thing and get it out in the open.

The other thing that just gets me about this is that I absolutely knew from the beginning that my parents (specifically, my mother) were going to be the primary source of drama in this whole wedding planning process. But from the jump, my mom has been blowing sunshine up my butt about how "This is all just going to be so much fun! Weee! Taffeta and place cards and fluffiness, oh my!"

And then, I was totally right. This has been the only substantial bump in the rode,... b'drrrrr, "road" not "rode.... and it's because she wants my brother to be a groomsman for a man who he's spent a collective total of about 10 hours with, and for some reason, she thinks that she gets to make this demand of my FI, and that the fact that he doesn't want to, and that I'm not willing to make him, (because FI would if I told him it was important to me.) somehow makes me a bad person. My grandmother has told me twice now that my mother has been talking about me behind my back, calling me a bridezilla, saying I'm a hypocrite, because I'm a Christian, and I'm not acting Christ-like, or whatever by not having my brother in the wedding party. (What the heck, dude? Is the 11th Commandment "Thou shalt have thy brother in thy wedding party."?)

Sorry - venting again. But talking about your daughter behind her back like that is just.... eew. Makes me feel weird towards her, you know?

SomethingBeautiful08 · June 2013

I agree that what your mom is doing is annoying and you should talk with her. Personally I don't think that an Usher is a "crap" role to play, not necessary, but for those that wouldn't want to be a reader, and the person is good with it, it is good. My brother was an usher for our wedding and my brother in law was the "ring bearer wrangler", the ring bearing being his eighteen month old son. They were both in the program and in addition to handing out programs and helping those that needed it to their seats, my BIL "walked" my nephew down the isle, and my brother escorted my mom, it worked.

MobKaz · June 2013

In our area, groomsmen serve as ushers when needed. They were/are one and the same.

1FairMaiden · June 2013

mobkaz said:

In our area, groomsmen serve as ushers when needed. They were/are one and the same.

Yeah, that's what my Mom said was why she was confused, and why she assumed when we said "He's going to be an Usher." that we meant "He's going to be a groomsman."

She's just someone who's very "my way or the highway," so for me to disagree with her about anything means I'm wrong, I'm being a brat, etc. It makes me nuts, but she's always been like this, which is why I knew there were going to be issues with planning the wedding. I've really picked my battles and let a lot of things go. I let her pick the invitations, the venue, the florist, the photographer, and just a lot of other little details that I just told myself was insignificant. This is just something I'm not willing to give in on.

But then again, I guess that kind of makes this my fault, doesn't it? I mean, if I let her pick all that other stuff, why wouldn't she think she could pick who's in the bridal party...

Anyway, that's why I was asking if the concept of having an Usher doesn't stand up at the altar is a new thing. I'm still going to talk to my family about it in person at some point this week.

Thank you all, ladies so much for your input, advice, and perspectives

Jen4948 · June 2013

No, ushers aren't new. They've been around for quite some time.

And you're not being rude to have your brother as an usher or not one of the groomsmen. You might explain to your mother that the decision about who the groomsmen are is strictly up to your FI, so her hostile attitude is out of place. Aside from the fact that it's a matter you don't have control over, it's not up to her either.

laradoll · June 2013

As others said not new and not (in my eyes) rude and Cain be very useful As someone said in some places groomsman don't exist the term is usher (like in the UK for example) the role is the same as a groomsman (in the sense that they are the grooms side and 'attendants') also they help people to sit, greet when come in the venue

carpediem27 · June 2013

I did not personally have ushers at my wedding, but I did ask my step-brother to escort my mom (his step-mom) to the seat. Other than that we had a coordinator from the venue that was in charge of the ceremony space and she was able to hand out programs and let people know that there were no assigned "sides" of the aisle.

My sister's venue had no such person available and she had a larger wedding that I did (by about 75 people) so she did have to ushers, my DH (then BF) and one of the Hs of another BM. DH escorted my mom and grandma to their seats, as well as handed out programs and let people know that there were no assigned sides. DH did not think it was rude at all and was honored and please to be asked to participate in the wedding. He did receive a gift (cufflinks) but not as large of a gifts as the groomsmen.

HeatherSP13 · June 2013

I got married a month ago. We had 2 ushers. Both were married to bridesmaids. They walked grandmothers & mothers down the aisle. They received gifts & were at rehearsal dinner.

lringue · June 2013

I love this topic. I have a similar problem. mostly with the head table and if the usher (my brother) was gong to sit at it. he doesnt know any of the GM. his friends of 20 years were going so I thought he would be more comfortable with them than at the head table. My mom threw a fit and started to talk to me like I was a pice of s-*t for even thinking it. I had to ignore her for a few days and Ive decided to ask him what he would rather. Although he will just say it dosent matter.

RWolff · June 2013

My H had his two cousins as ushers. In our venue, we actually needed people to clarify some of the seating options (there were two floors) and the inside door was closed right before I entered with my parents. They were in all of the wedding party pictures, got gifts, we at the rehearsal, and were generally treated the same. H is very fond of his cousins, but they do not see each other often, and they are not friends with the rest of the wedding party. They got to sit with their wives during the ceremony, and then directed the guests to the cocktail hour. They were so awesome, and decided they were also our bouncers when random people off the street came in "just to look."

In our case, it was not a crap job (they joked with the groomsmen that they got to sit during the ceremony instead of stand haha), so they actually DID feel honored to be asked. I think it depends on the situation and on the expectation of family and region. For example, we didn't make them hand out programs. About half the guests didn't know they were available because of that, but they other half instinctively found them next to the door.

Weezy56 · June 2013

We had two ushers who were not groomsmen. It's very common in our circle. They received a gift just like the rest of the wedding party and sat with the wedding party and their significant others at the reception as well

gailpete · June 2013

There is nothing wrong with your brother being an usher if that is what he wants. You could also ask him to stand on your side (that may really throw your mom for a loop), if you wanted.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Yup - nothing wrong with having ushers. People who don't have ushers will often have the groomsmen play this role (which seems to be your mom's experience) - but it's not the ONLY way things are done...

I found ushers to be nothing but helpful - IMHO it's nice to arrive, be greeted, handed a program, and shown where I can sit. It feels formal and organized to me. I've seen situations like @CMGr 's sister's wedding where, in the absence of ushers, oblivious people posted up in the family's spot and then it was musical chairs before anything could begin... so awkward for everyone.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

You can have your groomsmen act as ushers until they are needed up front or other people as as ushers. My hubby wanted all of his guys with him the whole time so we asked my two nephews who are in their early 20's to be ushers. We didn't put them in tuxes, we let them come in their regular clothes (easier since one lives out of town) and they didn't stand out later then as looking like part of the bridal party but not being with the bridal party. They wanted to spend the rest of the day/evening hanging out with their cousins who also came into town that they haven't seen in years.

wrigleyville · June 2013

My family has had ushers in every wedding since the 50s. We're Catholic, and our family is GIGANTIC, so it's always a big Mass with 150-300 attendees. The ushers wear a tux with a plain black tie and vest (as opposed to the GM with their colored vests/ties), but they wear the same bout as the GM. They are given a gift and seated with the WP at the reception.

They escort everyone to their seats, making sure to keep the numbers in the pews balanced, making sure everyone has a good view (not putting a short lady behind a tall guy), and they escort the mothers/grandmothers in during the processional. The size of the wedding determines the number of ushers. We usually have anywhere from 2-6 ushers.

I'm not having a big wedding like that (I'm the black sheep in our family), but in our case, it's a position of honor. The GM are generally siblings and best friends, and then close cousins are usually the ushers.

1FairMaiden · June 2013

Thank you all so much for your input - it has really given me some peace of mind about this!

Kristin789 · June 2013

Maybe your mom doesn't want your brother to be the bride's family representative who greets and seats guests from the bride's family - maybe there is someone else from your family who knows more family members who would be a better representative or who would really spend the time learning the guest list and where people are supposed to sit, etc. Because if you don't have them, you end up like CMGr's sister, whose friends all took the down-front-family seats. See descriptions below:

Ushers and Groomsmen are very different.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Groomsmen are the equivalent of bridesmaids. They are FI’s closest friends, who have been with him for years through thick and thin. On the wedding day, they are with him behind the scenes, getting dressed, making sure he has whatever he needs (vow note card, handkerchief, whatever), and generally making some jokes to release some before-the-ceremony tension.

Ushers greet the guests and seat the guests. There should be one or two from the bride’s side who recognize the bride’s side guests, and one or two from the groom’s side who recognize the groom’s side guests. This is important because there are certain seating issues involved (see website below), and the ushers should be able to take each couple/family to exactly where they should be seated for the ceremony.

The ushers will meet with the parents a few days before the wedding, and the parents will show the ushers who's been invited to the wedding from their side--ideally, these ushers already know most of those people on the list. The ushers will learn about these people so that they will be able to recognize these people as they arrive and call them by name, and know where to seat them for the ceremony (there is a whole method to where people should be seated). Ushers should be the people who know most of the family members already, and who themselves are very well known by most of the family. Ushers also assist at the reception.

From the website called TO-Be-Wed Tip: Usher Etiquette:

“Have at least one usher from each family who will recognize the special family members as they arrive."

And from the website called To-Be-Wed Tip: Crowd Control:

"Have one person remain at the back of the church for the 'what ifs.' This person can assist those arriving late, those who need to leave the ceremony and need directions to restrooms, assist with children who become restless, and ward off 'lookers' who are just peeking in to see what is going on."

Also: http://www.theknot.com/ch_article.html?Object=AI980914212720

Simply Fated · June 2013

With the explanation Kristin has provided, it really does sound like work.
It reminds me of The Devil Wears Prada when Andrea was made to memorize guests names and their picture. At least she was paid.

Are Ushers a new thing?

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