ceremony only

nlanca01 · June 2013

We are having a Private ceremony for just our parents, grandparents and siblings/spouses. We are not having a reception. We are planning on going to a restaurant for a meal afterword and would like our family join us if they choose but at their own expense (because we are not hosting a reception).
How would I word this in the invitation or do I not include it. There will only be a few of us at the ceremony. Would it be OK to just announce it when the ceremony is over?

MoxieMickie · June 2013

nlanca01 said:
We are having a Private ceremony for just our parents, grandparents and siblings/spouses. We are not having a reception. We are planning on going to a restaurant for a meal afterword and would like our family join us if they choose but at their own expense (because we are not hosting a reception).
How would I word this in the invitation or do I not include it. There will only be a few of us at the ceremony. Would it be OK to just announce it when the ceremony is over?

nlanca01 · June 2013

This post wasn't about if we should host something or not. They won't be offended about having to pay for their own meal because they understand the financial predicament we are having right now. I'm just not sure how to word it on the invitation or if we should just tell them at the ceremony.

nlanca01 · June 2013

And by financial predicament I mean that My FI just has his hours drastically cut at work and we can no longer afford to pay for dinner.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Why does it have to be dinner? Can't you have a very small ceremony earlier in the day and host light appetizers or cake/punch after?

NYCMercedes · June 2013

At the simplest level, the host does the invitation and since you're not hosting, that kind of leads to no invitation. Just spread your plan by word of mouth.

AddieCake · June 2013

I suggest having something earlier and having cake/punch. Then you can go for dinner later and tell people you'll be doing that if they would like to join you. We had a morning ceremony and reception and then went out to a bar for dinner and drinks later that night. People were welcome to join us for that, we told them, and it was just understood that they would be paying their own way b/c it was not attached to our wedding in any way. It was just going out on a Saturday night.

nlanca01 · June 2013

Wow...this has just made me decide that I will not post anything on these forums again. I have only posted a few times and every time I am met with RUDE comments. For everyone's information...we planned to elope. And not for cost reasons but for our own reasons. In the beginning we jokingly mentioned that we were going to elope and my FMIL was so upset that she started to cry right in front of us and made us promise we wouldn't do that so this is the next closest thing. Secondly we don't want to have a cake and punch reception because of the 18 people that will be attending 3 are diabetic and my FI doesn't even like cake! We planned on an earlier ceremony so we could do a light lunch reception and we could do a romantic dinner for two that evening. But when i called a few weeks ago to confirm things i found out there was a mix up with the chapel that we already booked and paid for so now the ceremony is at 5pm. I'm getting ready to mail the invites as the wedding is a few weeks away and just needed input on how to mention that our family was welcome to join us for dinner if they chose to.

And for the "You're not hosting anything so no invitation... spread plans by word of mouth" post. The invitation is for the marriage ceremony. And in the very beginning we did spread the plans by word of mouth, but a few family members wanted an invitation for a keepsake for their scrapbook and my grandparents would like one so they don't forget.

The dinner plans were going to be slipped into the invitation if I could figure out how to word it. But I guess I will just let people know at the ceremony just to get this done. Thanks for everyone's help.

HobokensFury · June 2013

nlanca01 said:

Wow...this has just made me decide that I will not post anything on these forums again. I have only posted a few times and every time I am met with RUDE comments. For everyone's information...we planned to elope. And not for cost reasons but for our own reasons. In the beginning we jokingly mentioned that we were going to elope and my FMIL was so upset that she started to cry right in front of us and made us promise we wouldn't do that so this is the next closest thing. Secondly we don't want to have a cake and punch reception because of the 18 people that will be attending 3 are diabetic and my FI doesn't even like cake! We planned on an earlier ceremony so we could do a light lunch reception and we could do a romantic dinner for two that evening. But when i called a few weeks ago to confirm things i found out there was a mix up with the chapel that we already booked and paid for so now the ceremony is at 5pm. I'm getting ready to mail the invites as the wedding is a few weeks away and just needed input on how to mention that our family was welcome to join us for dinner if they chose to. And for the "You're not hosting anything so no invitation... spread plans by word of mouth" post. The invitation is for the marriage ceremony. And in the very beginning we did spread the plans by word of mouth, but a few family members wanted an invitation for a keepsake for their scrapbook and my grandparents would like one so they don't forget. The dinner plans were going to be slipped into the invitation if I could figure out how to word it. But I guess I will just let people know at the ceremony just to get this done. Thanks for everyone's help.

The only thing rude here are your plans to charge your guests for their meal.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

There was not one rude post here. PP disagreed with your plans, that's all. Because we did not validate you, we're rude??? SMH

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Fine, then do it earlier in the day and have fruit trays, cheese trays, and some light appetizers. You knew what we meant. Here is an option-- is there another excuse for why that won't work?

rajahmd · June 2013

No matter what you say, it's still rude to invite people to come watch you get married and then not provide any refreshments. Doesn't have to be expensive and doesn't have to be cake. But you have to do something, otherwise it's rude. And us telling you that the plan is rude does not make us rude, it means we're honest. Best of luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding, hopefully with refreshments.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

If you are looking for advice on how to do a rude thing. No one can give you that. You might as well just send an invitation that says "please come give us attention and presents, but we don't care about you, so don't be expecting anything. We'd rather spend our money on this pretty paper than serving you a fruit plate."

It doesn't matter how much money you have or don't have. What you are proposing is rude and offensive. Sure, your family loves you and will never say it to your face, but it doesn't mean they won't be thinking it. You don't treat family nicely because you think they'll get mad if you don't. You treat them right because it's the right thing to do. These are people you love, not a bunch of strangers.

People who point out your rude behavior are not rude. They are honest. Everyone here is saying the things that your family won't say, because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Jen4948 · June 2013

Knot members are not going to validate rudeness, and not serving any refreshments whatsoever to people you invite to your wedding is rude, whether it's to save money or because people have dietary conditions you don't want to cater to.

But what isn't "rude" is simply telling you honestly that we don't agree with your decisions.

vsgal · June 2013

It does not have to be fancy. Take to a local pizza parlor. You have to host something for the people that come to your wedding. If you don't want to feed anyone on your dime, you need to elope with only the two of you.

AddieCake · June 2013

nlanca01 said:

Wow...this has just made me decide that I will not post anything on these forums again

OK, then.

harper0813 · June 2013

If you want to elope, elope. There was no need to promise your FMIL.

And why are you buying invitations? If it's just immediate family and you're not having a reception, just tell them when it is. Call them. You won't need RSVP cards. And then you can use some of that money to feed them something to thank them for joining you.

Dreamergirl8812 · June 2013

When your loved ones witness your wedding ceremony, you are not doing them a favor. They are there to support and love you and you need to appreciate them for that. Use the money that you were going to spend on a DW and buy pizza and beer instead.

You're not worried about coming across as ungrateful and rude to the people who are most important to you but you're upset that internet strangers are criticizing you.

banana468 · June 2013

IDO10611 said:

OMGGGGGG!!!! I cannot believe what I am reading! Nlanca asked for advice and she is being berated because she's choosing a non-traditional after wedding celebration. I have never encountered a bitter group of brides in all of my day!!! Nlanca do what you want to do its your day. Feel free to include in the RSVP whether or not they will be attending the restaurant with you. There i nothing wrong with that. You do not owe your guests anything. Thats the common misconception about weddings. The people you invite are there to celebrate your union NOT TO EAT CAKE AND PUNCH!!! I've never seen such ridiculousness in all of the wedding blogs I have visited. Enjoy your day Nlanca and I hope its beautiful. To the rest of you bitter broads, find some happiness because clearly the man you're marrying is not providing it. Good Day!

Get over your own self. Not only is your advice bad, it's just patently false.

Before you go on a tirade like that, look into what you as a host need to do. Then come back here and insult the rest of us.

QueerFemme · June 2013

IDO10611 said:

OMGGGGGG!!!! I cannot believe what I am reading! Nlanca asked for advice and she is being berated because she's choosing a non-traditional after wedding celebration. I have never encountered a bitter group of brides in all of my day!!! Nlanca do what you want to do its your day. Feel free to include in the RSVP whether or not they will be attending the restaurant with you. There i nothing wrong with that. You do not owe your guests anything. Thats the common misconception about weddings. The people you invite are there to celebrate your union NOT TO EAT CAKE AND PUNCH!!! I've never seen such ridiculousness in all of the wedding blogs I have visited. Enjoy your day Nlanca and I hope its beautiful. To the rest of you bitter broads, find some happiness because clearly the man you're marrying is not providing it. Good Day!

First of all, your post violates the TOS you agreed to when you signed up here. Second, you DO owe your guests something. It isn't a misconception. When you invite a guest to an event, you have to host them. This isn't about being non-traditional, it's about being a proper host. Non traditional would be like taking them out for pizza and beer, or hosting something simple in your backyard. Not providing your guests refreshments or asking them to subsidize the cost of your wedding isn't non-traditional, it's rude and tacky.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

IDO10611 said:

OMGGGGGG!!!! I cannot believe what I am reading! Nlanca asked for advice and she is being berated because she's choosing a non-traditional after wedding celebration. I have never encountered a bitter group of brides in all of my day!!! Nlanca do what you want to do its your day. Feel free to include in the RSVP whether or not they will be attending the restaurant with you. There i nothing wrong with that. You do not owe your guests anything. Thats the common misconception about weddings. The people you invite are there to celebrate your union NOT TO EAT CAKE AND PUNCH!!! I've never seen such ridiculousness in all of the wedding blogs I have visited. Enjoy your day Nlanca and I hope its beautiful. To the rest of you bitter broads, find some happiness because clearly the man you're marrying is not providing it. Good Day!

First, you violated the TOS with this post. Learn to read.

Second, you're wrong. Find an etiquette book, learn to read, then come back here.

Third, the expression "it's your day" is only ever used by people to justify other people's bad decisions that are rude and/or wrong. That expression is code for "Yeah, what you want to do is wrong and rude and tacky, but, hey, it's YOUR DAY, so go ahead and disregard the rules and be rude and sure, everyone will just forgive those slights."

IDO10611 · June 2013

Bitter, Bitter, and More Bitter. The purpose of the knot is to provide brides with support not to ridicule and demean. If you would choose to do something differently thats fine but to publicly humiliate a bride because she decided not to host a reception is unacceptable. She doesn't owe any of you anything. She can have her wedding/reception anyway she so chooses!! How dare you act in such a grotesque manner?!! If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. No one forced you to read her post or to comment. Act like ladies and carry yourselves in a manner that would make your future husbands proud that they're marrying someone with Class! Get yourselves some happiness!!!

QueerFemme · June 2013

IDO10611 said:

Bitter, Bitter, and More Bitter. The purpose of the knot is to provide brides with support not to ridicule and demean. If you would choose to do something differently thats fine but to publicly humiliate a bride because she decided not to host a reception is unacceptable. She doesn't owe any of you anything. She can have her wedding/reception anyway she so chooses!! How dare you act in such a grotesque manner?!! If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. No one forced you to read her post or to comment. Act like ladies and carry yourselves in a manner that would make your future husbands proud that they're marrying someone with Class! Get yourselves some happiness!!!

The purpose is to offer advice. Not blindly support an idea that is tacky and totally rude. It's not grotesque to point out to someone that their plans are rude to the people that they are inviting to their wedding.

I have plenty of happiness and class, which is why I would never charge a guest to come to an event that I am supposed to be hosting. There is nothing classy about making your guests pay to come to your reception.

No one is here is going to give advice on how to invite someone to an event that totally violates all sorts of etiquette rules.

banana468 · June 2013

IDO10611 said:
Bitter, Bitter, and More Bitter. The purpose of the knot is to provide brides with support not to ridicule and demean. If you would choose to do something differently thats fine but to publicly humiliate a bride because she decided not to host a reception is unacceptable. She doesn't owe any of you anything. She can have her wedding/reception anyway she so chooses!! How dare you act in such a grotesque manner?!! If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. No one forced you to read her post or to comment. Act like ladies and carry yourselves in a manner that would make your future husbands proud that they're marrying someone with Class! Get yourselves some happiness!!!

You DO realize you're actually violating the terms of service and insulting other members right now, right? Do you get that YOUR posts are the most vitriolic on the entire thread?

The OP owes me nothing. She does however owe her guests some form of refreshments for attending her wedding. She can opt not to do this but it wouldn't be appropriate. Since the point of the boards is to give ADVICE, we want to help her avoid making some bad choices.

Congratulations to you though. There's nothing like a good enabler to keep perpetuating terrible behavior.

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