Honestly, am I being a priss?

allymdd · May 2013

Newbie, long-time lurker!

Just looking for some feedback... recently engaged and honestly, I'm pretty sad about it! I have finally gotten to the point where I'm excited to get hotched, but everytime I look at the ring, or think of the proposal, I could burst into tears.

I'm trying not to be a diva about it, but hear me out. Honesty appreciated...

We went out for a nice dinner, and he decided not to ask there because the tables were on top of each other. I agree, it wouldve been weird. So he asks me later. In a parking lot. In my landfill of a car.

Then he pulls out the ring. Its a round solitaire...which is EXACTLY what I have always said I didn't want. I know I sound horrible! It was his moms, reset after a failed marriage. Originally, his gramma's ring was left to him. Exactly what I've tended to like. His meth addict (no joke) sister stole it and, legitimately, pawned it for drug money. I'm mad at her for hurting everyone, least of all me. I'm trying to be gracious, as he may have felt stuck in accepting his mother's ring when she offered. On the other hand, I have this gut feeling that he just took it because it was free, my feelings weren't as important as hers, etc.

Am I being ridiculously selfish?

tiny speck · May 2013

1. You are being ridiculous about being upset about the proposal. Get over it. My H didn't "propose" to me, we both agreed to get married and didn't have the ring (from his family) until a couple months later.

2. I can understand not liking the ring because it's not the type you thought you wanted. I get that it's something you'll wear the rest of your life and you should be happy with it, but I would give it a bit of time to see if it grows on you. I can honestly say that my e-ring is not the style I thought I wanted at all (I wanted a white metal and almost anything but a round stone, and my ring is a round solitaire set in yellow gold), but since it was an heirloom that meant a lot to my H I accepted it and now I can't imagine having any other ring. If it is really not your style then I can understand bringing it up to your FI, but I would really give it another chance first.

allymdd · May 2013

Thanks for your input! In looking back, the more often I tell the story, the more I start to laugh and appreciate how nervous he got and what he actually said, over getting stressed about it. I think I was just so blindsided that I didn't really appreciate the quirkiness at the moment lol!

CLoGreenEyes · May 2013

I agree with Tiny. He asked you to marry him, and that's the important thing, right?

Your proposal sounds very sweet and intimate. Try to focus on the good things about it - it may not have been what you were expecting, but it's still a special moment that you shared with your FI, and those can happen anywhere.

As for the ring, take some time to think about it. Is there any way a spiffy wedding band could dress it up some for you? Would you consider upgrading at a milestone anniversary and wearing this one in the meantime? How important is it that you wear another kind of ring? If you do eventually decide that you would like a different ring, just talk to your FI about it, and just be gentle. Other ladies might have some good ideas on how to word that conversation.

CLoGreenEyes · May 2013

I agree with Tiny. He asked you to marry him, and that's the important thing, right?

Your proposal sounds very sweet and intimate. Try to focus on the good things about it - it may not have been what you were expecting, but it's still a special moment that you shared with your FI, and those can happen anywhere.

As for the ring, take some time to think about it. Is there any way a spiffy wedding band could dress it up some for you? Would you consider upgrading at a milestone anniversary and wearing this one in the meantime? How important is it that you wear another kind of ring? If you do eventually decide that you would like a different ring, just talk to your FI about it, and just be gentle. Other ladies might have some good ideas on how to word that conversation.

AddieCake · May 2013

The proposal you should get over. My husband proposed to me by changing our FB statuses to engaged one day.

I agree with Tiny that you should give the ring some time, but if you really don't love it after awhile, I don't think there's anything wrong with speaking up about it.

SoontobeMrsNytes_22973232 · May 2013

I understand being a little disappointed with the ring. My FI proposed with his mother's ring too. It has a lot of family significance because his father passed away 16 years ago. It was not at all what I wanted. I gave it some time and he came to me and said he understood it wasn't my dream ring and wanted me to have something I would want to wear the rest of my days. We agreed we would look for a new setting, and have his mom's stone reset. He took me shopping just yesterday and we found the perfect setting for his mother's diamond.
Give it some time. Think about it, and talk to him about it. But be gentle.

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

I agree, give it some time you might like it. If in the end, you still don't like it, speak up, he very well might be understanding considering the circumstances. You could always reset the stone into a setting that is more you.

BTW, FI proposed with a round solitaire and I was expecting something completely different considering my taste when we went looking. I had only tried on one solitaire and was convinced it wasn't for me, but apparently FI thought otherwise and I'm glad. I love my simple solitaire engagement ring.

And congrats and happy planning!

CarolinaPeach13 · May 2013

I don't agree or disagree about the proposal thing. I totally understand why you might be disappointed about the way it happened. But, as PPs have said, the important thing is HE ASKED!! And it sounds like he was really nervous/excited to ask which is definitely more meaningful than how!

About the ring, it might grow on you over time. If it doesn't and you find you really just don't like it, maybe your FI will agree to reset it sometime in the future (on a special anniversary or something). Or dress it up with a nice wedding band!

Congratulations!

winelover123 · May 2013

I understand about being disappointed in the proposal. I know I'm in the minority, but the proposal was very important to me so FI put a good bit of thought into it. He did take you out to a nice dinner though, so I do see thought put into the proposal. Focus on that and laugh about how because of the set up of the restaurant, you two got engaged in your car after the fancy dinner.

As for the ring, I'm sorry that your FSIL stole his grandmother's ring. That sucks. Give the new ring a bit of time to grow on you - FI gave me a bracelet once that I didn't love at first. It really did grow on me. If you still don't like it after a little while, speak up and either get the stone reset or get a new ring all together.

TiaTea · May 2013

" I have this gut feeling that he just took it because it was free, my feelings weren't as important as hers, etc."

That's one way to look at it. But it makes you feel bad. And in a way sounds as if you don't have a high opinion of your FI , which I am sure is not the case, because you agreed to marry him : )

The other way to look at it is that he really wanted to give you something meaningful , as a heirloom. He was probably heartbroken that his sister took the other ring. And he proposed with the only other one , that had some family value.

Also, if you don't like it, you don't have to wear it. After all, having both e-rings and wedding rings is something relatively new. Traditionally it was only one ring , given at the engagement , or the wedding, depending on local customs.
You can always get a "pretty ring" ( I personally like solitaires the most) later on. And you can keep this one as a hairloom and give it to your children one day.

Don't think of it as a simbol of failed marriage. She did not get it when the marriage faild. She got it when they were in love, like you are now. Let it remind you ( in hard moments) to keep that feeling.
A ring is only worth the meaning that you assign to it, so aign it a good one and you'll feel much better.

kerbohl · May 2013

You said that this ring was reset after a "failed marriage" - is this the part the really bothers you? Some people do get very upset by things like this, but I don't know for sure if you are one of them.

If this isn't the issue, I think you just need to talk to FI about not liking the ring, and like PP have said, look to see if a wedding band of your choice can dress it up in a way that makes you like it. And since FI got your e-ring for free, you might have more money in the budget to buy a fancy wedding ring.

lyndausvi · May 2013

Let's see. DH and I worked at the same place. One day in Feb I came into work after him and he ran to me on the loading dock and said "I asked [his boss] for the first week of July off so I can asked you dad for his blessing to marry you".

In the meantime he says to me "what kind of stone shape do you like?". I said anything but pear or marquis. I hate the points. He looked sad and so I asked why? MIL wanted to give him her pear-shaped diamond from her failed marriage. Being the practical person I am said "okay, but can I pick out the setting?" See I wanted to be able to wear the ring often so I wanted a low-profile setting which is not easy to find in a pear-shape ring. We ended up having it custom made.

So July finally comes around, we go up to my parent's, he asked for their blessing (100% important to him, I was like whatever), then he handed me the ring.

Ideal proposal? Not at all. Do I burst into tears over it? Nope, I laugh at how ridiculous DH is in keeping a secret or pulling off a surprise. One year for xmas he just put a yoga mat under the tree unwrapped because he couldn't figure out how to wrap it. Basically par for the course for him.

brizzzide · May 2013

I am not sure why women are supposed to be so grateful that a man has proposed that they should be willing to accept anything.

Frankly, a man who doesn't listen to my preferences on a piece of jewelry I will wear daily for the rest of my life (a round solitaire when you said you didn't like those at all), can't stand up to his mother (felt pressured to take his mother's ring), and is cheap (would rather take the free ring you don't like rather than buy you one of your own) is NOT the man for me.

Maybe he is none of those things, but it sounds like you think so.

kathrynrf · June 2013

I can see how you are disappointed about the way the proposal went, but trust me, that is not what is important. My finacee took me to Disney world and proposed to be under the fireworks. It was honestly perfect, except I thought he was joking and told him to "knock it off". No joke. A proposal that he worked so hard to keep a surprise and make sure it was perfect, and I told him to "knock it off." When people tell our proposal story to other family, friends, etc. no one even mentions Disney. Our proposal was so uniquely our own, and truly a representation of who we are, and it would have been just as perfect without Disney.

As far as the ring goes, all I wanted was a solitaire diamond. My fiancee did not get me that. Instead he got me a diamond with five small diamonds on either side that wrap around the band. I thought it was beautiful, but it wasn't what I had always envisioned. However, after wearing it, and showing it off, and looking at it, I love it more and more. It is a representation of his love for me, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life wearing it.

pesematology · June 2013

I don't think you're being a priss, but I do think it's a red flag that somewhere between you and him, the communication about what you want in a ring broke down. It seems like a little thing but your feelings, which may feel out of proportion, are strong because they're warning you of a bigger problem. If he doesn't know you well enough to pick out what you want, and you don't feel comfortable enough to tell him what you really want, that means the relationship needs some evaluation.

runpipparun · June 2013

I got the ring I wanted that we picked out together, and when it got appraised, the appraiser said, "Um, that's a cool setting, but the sapphire is poorly set. You need to watch it, especially if you ever whack it." Couple weeks later, I whacked it working on the flooring in our house, and the sapphire FLEW out. The designer was a real b*tch about it, so we ended up shelling out for a designer/metalsmith to re-design it and re-set it by hand. It's different, but I LOVE it more than the first one. And it appraised higher.

Lesson: You can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

Honestly, am I being a priss?

Re: Honestly, am I being a priss?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards