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WWYD?...overseas relatives

awalthall38awalthall38 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance is second generation Taiwanese; his parents and most of his aunts and uncles live here in the states. However, there are a few family members, those of which he has not seen in ten years or more, in Taiwan that we are inviting to the wedding. I have skyped once with his cousin over there (she speaks better English than I do) and she has been nice enough to help me with addresses and such. The problem is, we both have large families and tons of friends, and our wedding space accomodates 150 people max, which is really beyond the max for our budget. We already have about 153 invited, and a fairly lengthy B-list of people to consider if people RSVP "not coming"---some of which really should have been invited.

Way back when we were newly engaged and were making our guest list and reserving our venue, we decided to allow for ten people from Taiwan, with the anticipation that that would be more than enough, which it is. We were going to use the leftover "seats" to get our list down to the 150 max and possibly for people on our B list. This morning said cousin in Taiwan asked if she could invite her grandparents, as in not my fiance's grandparents, but her grandparents on the other side of the family. I imagine she wants them to make a trip to the U.S. and sees the wedding as a good opportunity. I polite informed her of our situation, and that unfortunately we would not be able to invite them as much as we would like to. I came home to a new message that said "thats ok--if my parents can't come, they can definitely come." The invitations really are not transferable, and I'm not sure what to do here---should I just let it go, even though there are still family members and good friends stateside that could come in their place? I don't want to seem like a jerk to my fiance's cousin, but I think it would really be best if they just planned a separate trip to bring other family members, and then also if they came at a separate time we would get to see them more, since we won't be on a honeymoon. How should I go about this????
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Re: WWYD?...overseas relatives

  • MsYeckMsYeck member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    First off B lists are rude. Either find a larger cheaper facility to accomadate more people or accept that nobody on your "b list" will be invited at all.
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  • hordolhordol member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    I agree that B Lists are rude (because it's rude to treat some guests like they are more important than others), but about your question: You are within your right to tell the cousin that the invitations aren't transferable because there are a number of people you wish you could have invited but weren't able to. It's up to you whether or not you want to let her grandparents come. Knowing now the B Lists are rude, would you consider not extending any invites to the B Listers? Then it might not make much of a difference if you allow the grandparents to come in place of the parents or not. However, if you are truly worried about the space, it is best not to over-invite and you might want to make it clear to FI's cousins that you can't accommodate her grandparents.
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  • awalthall38awalthall38 member
    First Comment
    lol I was told the B-list was "standard practice" on other online forums.

    Anyway, thanks for confirming for me that I am right to say no to this cousin.
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Seeing as it's your FI's family, what does he want to do?
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    awalthall38 said:
    lol I was told the B-list was "standard practice" on other online forums.

    Anyway, thanks for confirming for me that I am right to say no to this cousin.
    I think you're misinterpreting the advice.  You *could* say no to the cousin, but you should clear it with your FI first since it's his family and be aware that you'll possibly come off as a jerk to the cousin.  and There's not really a reason to say no to the cousin b/c you shouldn't b-list.

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  • MoxieMickieMoxieMickie member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary

    In TK jargon, "B list" means waiting until some people decline and then sending an invitation to someone else. Many places in the Wedding Industrial Complex will tell you this is okay, but it's not.

    It is okay to prioritize your guest lists into A, B, C, D, etc. lists based on how much you want them there as you decide on a budget and venue. You just have to send all the invitations at the same time and be prepared for them all to come.

    I agree with let your FI decide this one. I try not to give people reasons, because then they try to solve the problem for you. In her case, I might consider telling her you do not want you and FI to have to deal with the fallout from four sides of the family if you are inviting her other grandparents but not closer relatives.

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with all PPs. This is a FI issue; let him decide. I can't imagine that there's any thrill for this cousin's grandparents to attend the wedding of two people they don't know, in a foreign country, in a language that's not their own.

    You are right in telling her invitations aren't transferable, even though people seem to think they are. I've had guests tell me, "Well, if my SO can't come, I'll bring so-and-so. It's OK, because you know him/her." Well, yes I do, but if I had wanted him/her to attend, we would have invited him/her. (Our venue can hold up to 350 people; our guest list is 145. We didn't cut anyone -- we didn't invite people FOR A REASON).

    But a B-list really is terribly rude. Please rethink that. If people find out they were B-list invites, they'll be hurt.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    If you can't afford 150 people, why are you inviting MORE than 150 people, especially if your venue only holds 150? I'm very confused about that.  Also; is the 150 fire code regulation, or just what they told you would look good? Because if it's firecode, you have to have LESS guests because you have to include the photographer, DJ, yourself, etc. 

    You can tell the cousin that invites are not transferable, but I would definitely not tell her you're waiting on people to say no to invite more. If it's your FI's family, I agree with the other posters that he should be involved in this process. 
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  • winelover123winelover123 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Wait - you invited more people than you can afford and than the venue can hold? Tell the cousin no and the invitations or not transferable. Your FI should really be doing that though. And please don't B list - it's telling people they weren't good enough to get in with the first round of invitations. 
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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Eep! I wish you luck here...there's so many horror stories about people who over-invited.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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