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ladams84 · June 2013

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QueerFemme · June 2013

ladams84 said:

Please bear with me, as this is long, but I could really use some advice!

In December 2011, my husband and I were offered exciting jobs abroad that would run from August 2012-August 2013. My childhood friend, who was MOH in my wedding, asked me to be her MOH before we left, with FULL KNOWLEDGE that we would be gone for an entire year and, because of limitations of the job, unable to return to the US during that time (basically they won't let you leave unless an immediate family member dies). I even said to her when she asked, "Are you sure you want to wait until we get back?" because I didn't want her to have to postpone her wedding on my account. And I was assured that yes, it was fine, she really wanted me to be her MOH, so they would have the wedding sometime after DH and I got back.

Fast forward to fall 2012, DH and I are living abroad, and I get a cheery email about a bunch of random things from her. Tacked on at the end is, "Please don't be mad, but we're having our wedding in early June 2013." I replied with a message saying that I was really sad and disappointed not to be able to be there for her ceremony, and asking what had prompted the decision to have the wedding in June. The response I got was "partially I just want to get it over with and be married." So, at this point I'm still feeling sad and hurt, but she reassured me that in no way was she asking me to not be her MOH, and added that she'd like me to be at the wedding via Skype.

Months passed, and I heard little to nothing from her about her wedding, her plans, anything. My husband and I also didn't receive an invitation of any kind. Then, a few days ago (and her wedding is obviously coming up very fast), I got a message from her telling me what time she'd like me to be available via Skype (wee hours of the morning my time, due to the time difference). At this point, I have no idea what role I am supposed to be playing in this wedding, and I don't know a thing about it: colors, location, other members of the wedding party, it's all a mystery.

I dithered on replying for three days because I felt uncomfortable and wasn't sure what to say, and got a message from her asking if I was angry or upset. So I wrote back saying that I had been sad to not receive an invitation or even hear from her about the wedding at all, since she had told me I was "still the MOH." But I said that of course I would still try to be there for her via Skype. The response I got was basically: "I'm sorry you're upset." But no real explanation of why things have happened the way they have, or any indication to me of what kind of role I am playing in her wedding. Her fiance has a female best friend who I imagine will be replacing me at the ceremony, though I don't really know.

To make matters even weirder and more awkward, she and her fiance have included a few days in the country where DH and I live as a part of their honeymoon (her fiance also has a friend who happens to live here). We are, it seems, expected to sightsee with them for a few days, though these are places we have already visited and we would really rather not spend the money as we have an expensive transition back to the US ahead of us in August.

I don't know how to respond to her most recent message at this point (or how to manage her impending visit here). I don't want to be selfish or add stress to her life just a few days before her wedding, but at the same time it has become such an unpleasant and hurtful experience for me that I also don't particularly want to be a part of it anymore. HELP!

Sounds to me like she wants you to witness the ceremony, but you aren't in the wedding anymore if you clearly can't attend. You don't need to worry about colors. You don't need to buy a dress. If you want to support your friend, log on and watch her ceremony, and then go about your day.

AddieCake · June 2013

Once again, a bizarre DD.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

I really do not get why you are upset. Yes it sucks that she decided to change her mind and get married before you moved back to the US but that was her choice. It sounds like she really wants you to be able to witness her ceremony though so she still wants you to "be there". As for the invitation, why would she need to send you one when she knows that you won't be able to attend in person? Why do you care what her colors are or venue or any other details?

As for their HM, did it ever occur to you that they just really want to see and visit with you? You don't have to do the touristy site-seeing stuff but you could instead offer gettting together for a nice dinner or two or possibly take them to some of your favorite non-tourist locations for a day.

It sounds like you are extremely bitter about her changing her wedding date. I think you just need to get over it and move on. Watch the ceremony, send her a note of congratulations and get on with your life. She did not change her wedding date to intentionally hurt you, she changed it because she wants to be married to the person she loves, no more, no less.

winelover123 · June 2013

Everything @Maggie0829 said.

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