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Bridal Shower HELP!!!!

So our wedding is 90% family and 10% friends, my fiancee has a LARGE family, and our location only allows for 80 people.  We will be throwing a pot luck reception a few weeks after the wedding so that the friends we couldn't invite can celebrate with us.  My MOH wants to throw a bridal shower for me and has requested a list with addresses.  I have read all the etiquette that states that you shouldn't invite someone to the shower if they are not on the guest list; but is this really a hard and fast rule?  If they aren't invited to the wedding but are invited to the second reception couldn't I include them on the shower guest list?  
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Re: Bridal Shower HELP!!!!

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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    So our wedding is 90% family and 10% friends, my fiancee has a LARGE family, and our location only allows for 80 people.  We will be throwing a pot luck reception a few weeks after the wedding so that the friends we couldn't invite can celebrate with us.  My MOH wants to throw a bridal shower for me and has requested a list with addresses.  I have read all the etiquette that states that you shouldn't invite someone to the shower if they are not on the guest list; but is this really a hard and fast rule?  If they aren't invited to the wedding but are invited to the second reception couldn't I include them on the shower guest list?  

    A get together with your friends is fine. Even having a potluck or BYOB is fine. Just don't call it anything relating to your wedding. "Sorry we couldn't invite you to the wedding because our venue was too small and we can't afford to host you properly now so bring a dish to pass for our celebration of our 3 week anniversary!"

    Yeah, no.

    The only guests invited to your bridal shower should come from the list of 80 invited to your wedding and reception.

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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    Um, no. How would you feel if you were invited to two wedding related parties for a friend and not invited to her wedding? .....eta..... On top of it all, you're asking people to bring their own food to your celebration, which I think is an impolite decision.
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    Yes, it is a hard and fast rule.  They cannot be invited to the shower.  Additionally, this other party is not a 'second reception.'  It is not a reception because you are not hosting anyone-- you are requiring your guests to host themselves.  I would be very offended to be invited to such a party. 
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    rustytammy - anyone who is invited to the shower, MUST be invited to the wedding. Here's why: "shower" refers to "showering" you with gifts (i.e. it's a gift giving event). Think of it this way, would you invite someone to give you a birthday present, but exclude them from your birthday party? It just makes you look really gift grabby (which I realize is definitely not your intention).

    Secondly, please please please don't call your potluck a second reception. Here's why: #1 - you will have already had your reception and a lot of people "didn't make the cut". As happy as people are for you, an invite to an event like this is kind of like the bride and groom saying, "well, you didn't make the cut to be at our REAL reception because (insert n/a reason here), so we're going to ask you to bring your own food while we celebrate again." I'm sure you don't mean it like that, but that's how it comes off. #2 - The idea behind a reception is that YOU host it, not your guests. 

    So it's cool to call it a backyard potluck/BBQ, but don't call it a second reception or make it wedding related.
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    Nope.

    You don't invite anyone to a shower who is not invited to a wedding.  That's a hard and fast rule.  If you want to invite them to anything, you make the event non-wedding-related.

    It's also not a good idea to use a potluck as a wedding reception.  Wedding guests, especially OOT ones, should never be asked to bring their own provisions on top of getting gifts and incurring other costs to attend a wedding.
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    Your FI's family can host an engagement party or BBQ or whatever to introduce you to his extended family - and invite whoeve they want.  Your family can host an engagement party to introduce your FI to your extended family.

    But the shower is just for the bride's closest friends - hosted by her MOH, assisted by the BMs.  So on your guest list, you put some other girls that you are close to, who have been with you every step of your courtship with FI.  Then invite your mom and your aunt and your grandmother, and FI's mom if you want. 

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    Your FI's family can host an engagement party or BBQ or whatever to introduce you to his extended family - 1) and invite whoeve they want.  Your family can host an engagement party to introduce your FI to your extended family.

    But 2) the shower is just for the bride's closest friends - hosted by her MOH, assisted by the BMs.  So on your guest list, you put some other girls that you are close to, who have been with you every step of your courtship with FI.  Then invite your mom and your aunt and your grandmother, and FI's mom if you want. 

    1) This is not correct. They only invite guests who are invited to the wedding. A simple way to remember this: anyone invited to wedding related parties (engagement parties, showers, etc.) get invited to the wedding. Period.
    2) The shower doesn't have to be only closest friends, aunts, g-ma, FMIL and mom. Even men (gasp!) can be invited. AND it's not necessarily hosted by the MOH and BMs (it's not their "duty"). Aunts, FMIL, close family friends, etc. can all offer to throw showers, but no one is "obligated" to do so. Further, the bride/groom can decline the offer if they don't want a shower.

    Here's what happens for pre-wedding parties:
    - someone offers to throw one;
    - the bride/groom accept or decline the offer;
    - if they accept, they coordinate with the host so the host knows who's actually invited to the wedding;
    - the pre-wedding party happens.
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    Please don't do a potluck. It's not nice to ask your guests to do work for you (cooking, shopping, whatever) at an event you're hosting. Hosting = providing. If you cannot provide a meal, please provide apps and drinks during a time that doesn't overlap with a mealtime - like afternoon or late evening.

    And yes, you should only be inviting wedding guests to the shower. Otherwise, you are telling people that they're only good enough to give you gifts.
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    Not to be rude, but honestly these are terrible ideas.

    "Oh we didn't get invited to the wedding, but we made the cut for the second reception! And yay I even get to make my own dish to bring! And yes I still get to go the the shower and buy them an additional gift!!" SAID NO ONE EVER.

    Please don't do this. Only guests invited to the wedding can be invited to the shower. You are more than welcome to have a pot-luck gettogether afterwards but do NOT label it something wedding related. If one of our friends did what you suggested they would come across as so greedy we wouldn't friends anymore.

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    If you are so concerned about etiquette then PLEASE do not have a potluck "reception". 
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    Agree with @creeperkitten 100% I would side-eye you like crazy for having a potluck to celebrate your wedding if I wasn't invited to the actual wedding.
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    StarkKittenStarkKitten member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Only guests invited to your wedding ceremony and reception are allowed by etiquette.  And if you want to throw a potluck at your house, it's a potluck, not a reception.  Reception means you are receiving and hosting guests.
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    OP, if you want to keep your relationships, don't get creattive with wedding etiquette. It's set up the way it is for very good and solid reasons (all aimed at not insulting or hurting people).
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

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    It is a hard and fast rule that anyone invited to any wedding related party must be invited to the wedding.

    Anyone invited to the shower needs to be part of that 80.  The same rule applies to a "second reception."  

    You should not be throwing a consolation prize for people who didn't make the cut.  If celebrating with these friends was that important to you, you would have made it a priority to invite them.  You didn't, and that's ok.  But don't insult them now with this terrible potluck thing.  
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