Save the Date and Guest List Fears!

manyaroad · June 2013

I just ordered my Save the Dates and have been compiling my guest list for awhile. I've been trying to get the addresses for my fiances family from his grandparents, but it's like pulling teeth!! The majority of their family is out of town (by about 1200+ miles) and they've been debating who to invite, who would actually come, who probably won't come but would be upset if they didn't get an invite. I was hoping to have the entire wedding at about 150 people (the reception site fits 200, but I'm nervous of it being too crowded) and their preliminary list of people was already at more than 100!! Their family is pretty close and my fiances grandparents have flown there for at least 3 weddings in the past 5 or 6 years, so it seems like a lot of the family might actually make the trip. I have no idea what to do!

They know what numbers we were hoping for and are pretty reasonable people, so it should turn out alright, BUT what do I do?? Do I send STDs to their whole list? Or have them talk to everyone individually? If they were getting updated addresses already, wouldn't the person have mentioned they probably couldn't and then they wouldn't be on the list? Or am I thinking too much into asking for addresses? Should I bump up the numbers we're budgeting for, if they're willing to help--even if I'm worried it'll be cramped?

All in all, I wouldn't mind having all his family there, they're great! But I do want all the friends we'd want to be there to actually be able to fit in the room!! (And I guess my family and all yada yada haha)

OY wedding planning is a puzzle!

AddieCake · June 2013

I'm confused. Are you saying you don't want to invite 150 people b/c you think it will be too crowded despite it not being over capacity? And who is paying for the wedding?

Sue-n-Kevin · June 2013

Based on my interpretation of what you are saying, I'll try to help. It sounds as though you haven't even sent your Save the Dates yet. Save the dates are sent to every person you will send an invitation to. If you send an STD but no invitation later, that is against proper etiquette. The STD is sent to the people who will receive individual invitations. If you are inviting Mr & Mrs, but not the kids, then it's sent to Mr & Mrs. If the entire family is going to receive a formal invitation, then it is sent to Mr & Mrs & Family. The invitations will have every person's name on it, and if there is a couple with 3 kids, then count that as 5 people receiving an invitation.

- If your venue holds up to 200 people, the venue knows what number of people will work there based on their history and whatever the fire laws are in the room/building

- You invite the number of people up to the room's capacity, and within your budget. Expect EVERY person to whom you send an invitation to reply "yes" and show up. Do not send STD's and followup with invitations to over 220 people, expecting that extra 20 to not show up. If they show up, you will exceed capacity at your wedding, and then yes, it will be too crowded.

- You invite the people you want at your wedding. It gets tricky with family on either side insisting Aunt Mary HAS to be invited, because she always sends us invitations to family events, etc. Your guest list is determined by 1) the size of your venue and budget, 2) the person or people paying get some say in it, and 3) ultimately who you want at your wedding. It's a constant compromise for every bride & groom when dealing with personal friends and extended family. Your exact guest list, the people that get STD's then invitations, is up to the max capacity of the venue or your budget, whichever rules that number.

- People who do not get STD's or invitations can be sent a nice announcement after the fact to let them know about your joy.

Good luck.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

Once you send a STD, you have to send an invitation, so you need to be 100% certain you'll be inviting them before you send it out.

Unless his grandparents are paying, they have no right to dictate the guest list. Instead of telling them the number you are hoping for, tell them you can invite X number from their side, and ask who they want it to be. Or better yet, have your FI make a list of family members that he'd like to invite, and ask the grandparents for the corresponding addresses.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

What we did is send STD's to VIPs only-wedding party, family up to first cousins, etc. This may work for you as well if you're still working on the guest list. It's ok to send invites to those who didn't get an STD, but not vice versa. It is a good idea to know your family dynamics and send STD's in "circles."

QueerFemme · June 2013

if you send a STD, that's the same as inviting them. You can't send a STD and then realize you are over capacity and only invite a portion of those guests.

My answer may change depending on who is paying, but what I would do is sit down with your FI and make YOUR list first of who you want to be there, including friends and immediate family. Then, deduct that number by the 150 guests you really want at the wedding, split the remaining # in half. Each set of parents gets half of the remainder. Tell both sets of parents they have X# of guest list spots and they need to start narrowing down their lists.

Save the Date and Guest List Fears!

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