Kind of personal... But I don't know what to do...

sierraberry32 · June 2013

Back when FI started dating we had sex maybe once a month... Didn't think to much about it only because we were just dating. Now a few years down the road, we still don't have sex too often (once a week, if that). I ask him about it, and he has no answer for me, and tends to get annoyed when I bring it up. I thought maybe it was stress, but we both have great jobs and we always are able to pay our bills. I know he has no issue getting "aroused", there's not a single morning that goes by where he's not up, so I am thinking it is more of an emotional issue. I recommended we go to a therapist, and he has strongly declined. I don't know what to do. I feel so pathetic trying to get his attention. We have plenty of chances throughout the day, but he keeps pushing me away. It's bringing me down a bit by means of self-esteem... Anyone else have this issue?

QueerFemme · June 2013

sierraberry32 said:

Back when FI started dating we had sex maybe once a month... Didn't think to much about it only because we were just dating. Now a few years down the road, we still don't have sex too often (once a week, if that). I ask him about it, and he has no answer for me, and tends to get annoyed when I bring it up. I thought maybe it was stress, but we both have great jobs and we always are able to pay our bills. I know he has no issue getting "aroused", there's not a single morning that goes by where he's not up, so I am thinking it is more of an emotional issue. I recommended we go to a therapist, and he has strongly declined. I don't know what to do. I feel so pathetic trying to get his attention. We have plenty of chances throughout the day, but he keeps pushing me away. It's bringing me down a bit by means of self-esteem... Anyone else have this issue?

Honestly, I would probably demand therapy. I would say something like this "FI, I am feeling very insecure and concerned about your lack of sexual interest in me. It's beginning to make me feel like you aren't attracted to me, severely affecting my self esteem, and I'm concerned that this is going to continue to get worse. I want us to go to couples counseling. I hope you realize that this is very important to our future and I hope you'll agree to go with me".

If he doesn't do it, or blows you off, I would severely consider postponing the wedding. Sex isn't the definition of a relationship, but lack of sex can majorly damage your long term future.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

cmg nailed it. I would sit him down and have a serious conversation and tell him that you're very concerned about this. I think you have very valid concerns.

If he really doesn't listen to you, I would postpone your wedding. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but you deserve better.

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

Everyone's sex drive is different. While you may be interested in having sex every day, your FI might only want to have sex once a month. Have you asked him what HE wants, and how often he wants it? You're welcome to try couples counseling, but I wouldn't expect it to change him if this is his normal sexual appetite. Perhaps some personal counseling so that you don't have your self-esteem directly tied into how much your FI wants to have sex with you?

sierraberry32 · June 2013

I have asked him, however he doesn't give me an answer, he's afraid I am going to use what "turns him on" too much, and that it will no longer be effective somehow... I am not relying on his sex drive to give me a self esteem boost. But trying to romance your man and being pushed away, wears you down....

sierraberry32 · June 2013

coopergirl15 said:

Also, when you say he is "aroused" every morning, does it mean he is trying to bed you, or does it mean he has morning wood? Men have little or no control over morning wood and it often doesn't have anything to do with sexual arousal at all.

Morning wood and he doesn't want me anywhere near that...

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

coopergirl15 said:

That said, this isn't so much a sex drive issue as it is a communication issue between you two. If you can't sort it on your own successfully, by all means try counseling. But it seems you both simply need to learn how to talk to each other effectively and put equal effort into solving issues between you.

Ditto this. It's a communication issue first and foremost. OP, if you keep trying to the same thing and keep getting rejected, you need to have a discussion, not just keep doing the same thing over and over again. There are ways you can take care of yourself too.

hordol · June 2013

I used to feel this way sometimes with my FI too. It was exhausting to feel like I was the only one who wanted/initiated sex. After awhile I realized that having sex right before bed/when we wake up was a bad time for FI because when he is tired, he's TIRED and very uninterested. Have you tried initiating sex when he comes home from work or other times mid day? We have much better sex when it's during waking hours.

I think sex drives do follow a bit of a pattern in that people tend to be hornier at different times of the day.

Even though you have great jobs, is it possible he's under a lot of stress at work? Is the wedding stressing him out? Family stuff?

Also, if you two are having a hard time finding what works for you, I also agree with PPs about counseling.

nextrightthing · June 2013

Talk about it outside of the bedroom.

What do you mean he's afraid you are going to "use what turns him on too much"?

Are you relying on him to initiate and do all the work? A lot of the time it seems like we as women expect men to jump all over us because stereotypically that is what men do. I've realized FI really enjoys it when I take over once in a while. We put a lot of pressure on men!

Also, don't take this personally. Everyone's sex drive is different. Just because he's a dude doesn't mean he automatically wants to do it all the time....that's just a stereotype.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

Not having sex often is very normal. FI and I go through this too. It ebbs and flows.

Guys get erections, it happens. It doesn't mean that they always want to use it, especially if it's in the morning.

Everybody has a different "timing" of when they're more likely to be aroused. FI enjoys morning sex. I'm never awake enough to be into it. Morning sex for us is a rare occassion. Back when we used to have sex more regularly, we usually did it at night, because that's when I was more into it. Lately we've been so exhausted that that doesn't happen often either. The best time for us is in the middle of the day, because we're not tired. But of course, when are we home in the middle of the day? Not too often. It's hard, but understanding when you and your partner are more likely to be aroused will help a lot.

I highly recommend personal counseling, because that will help you with your self-esteem issues. However, I even more highly recommend couples counseling. I know your FI doesn't want to do it, but you need to tell him what's bothering you. If he's really able to see how distressing this situation is for you, he'll want to help.

You don't have to have sex often to be happy or satisfied. What's most important is a dialogue between the two of you. Good luck!

winelover123 · June 2013

I'll just second what everyone else has said. Definitely communicate with him outside of the bedroom. Maybe his sex drive is just low. If it is, is he open to other methods since your sex drive is higher? Talk about your different options and see if there's a compromise in there somewhere so you don't feel like you keep getting turned down. Constantly being turned down is not good on the self esteem, and he needs to know that. If there's no compromise to be found or he refuses to talk about it, then I'd demand counseling.

amaryann210 · June 2013

The only thing I would add (because I agree with PP) is that if he refuses to go to counseling and no amount of demanding will make him go, go by yourself. You can go to a marriage/couples counselor by yourself and talk about your couples' issue. Tell him that's what you're doing and you may inspire his curiousity or he'll feel like he needs to tell his side of the story. As a therapist, I've seen it happen that way many times.

runpipparun · June 2013

hordol said:

I used to feel this way sometimes with my FI too. It was exhausting to feel like I was the only one who wanted/initiated sex. After awhile I realized that having sex right before bed/when we wake up was a bad time for FI because when he is tired, he's TIRED and very uninterested. Have you tried initiating sex when he comes home from work or other times mid day? We have much better sex when it's during waking hours. I think sex drives do follow a bit of a pattern in that people tend to be hornier at different times of the day.

Even though you have great jobs, is it possible he's under a lot of stress at work? Is the wedding stressing him out? Family stuff?

Also, if you two are having a hard time finding what works for you, I also agree with PPs about counseling.

My FI and I have this conversation ALL. THE. TIME. When we first started dating, before bed was great. Now, I can't do it. When I get in bed, I'm exhausted from the day. But when he comes home at lunch, it's a great time for me. Or in the evening. It's all about communicating and being on the same page.

relliotts · June 2013

sierraberry32 said:

Back when FI started dating we had sex maybe once a month... Didn't think to much about it only because we were just dating. Now a few years down the road, we still don't have sex too often (once a week, if that). I ask him about it, and he has no answer for me, and tends to get annoyed when I bring it up. I thought maybe it was stress, but we both have great jobs and we always are able to pay our bills. I know he has no issue getting "aroused", there's not a single morning that goes by where he's not up, so I am thinking it is more of an emotional issue. I recommended we go to a therapist, and he has strongly declined. I don't know what to do. I feel so pathetic trying to get his attention. We have plenty of chances throughout the day, but he keeps pushing me away. It's bringing me down a bit by means of self-esteem... Anyone else have this issue?

I just wanted to point out, as far as the bolded goes, that this is actually a fairly average sex "average", if you will. Especially if you're a long term couple. Once a week is pretty standard. But, as others have said, if this is not meeting your needs, then you do need to discuss and explore this because as times goes on the timespan between intimacy are likely to get longer.

Nothing is "wrong" with fiance - different people have different needs. But if your sexual needs are not complimentary and compatible, then that is an issue that you need to figure out. Couples counseling is a good idea.

MissMolly · June 2013

Yep, cmg gave some good, good advice. FWIW, I've been there with a SO, and to be brutally honest, the sex was so bad that I couldn't get excited about participating in it. Talked to him on 3 separate occasions, and nothing changed, so I left him. There were way more issues in our relationship, but this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. Take cmg's advice, talk to him and urge him to see a couple's counsellor with you. Sex isn't everything, but if there's no chemistry happening in the bedroom, there won't be any happening outside of it either. It will hit the point where it will affect many aspects of your relationship.

relliotts · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

relliotts said:

sierraberry32 said:

Back when FI started dating we had sex maybe once a month... Didn't think to much about it only because we were just dating. Now a few years down the road, we still don't have sex too often (once a week, if that). I ask him about it, and he has no answer for me, and tends to get annoyed when I bring it up. I thought maybe it was stress, but we both have great jobs and we always are able to pay our bills. I know he has no issue getting "aroused", there's not a single morning that goes by where he's not up, so I am thinking it is more of an emotional issue. I recommended we go to a therapist, and he has strongly declined. I don't know what to do. I feel so pathetic trying to get his attention. We have plenty of chances throughout the day, but he keeps pushing me away. It's bringing me down a bit by means of self-esteem... Anyone else have this issue?

I just wanted to point out, as far as the bolded goes, that this is actually a fairly average sex "average", if you will. Especially if you're a long term couple. Once a week is pretty standard. But, as others have said, if this is not meeting your needs, then you do need to discuss and explore this because as times goes on the timespan between intimacy are likely to get longer.

Nothing is "wrong" with fiance - different people have different needs. But if your sexual needs are not complimentary and compatible, then that is an issue that you need to figure out. Couples counseling is a good idea.
Okay, see, the problem with this is that it implies that there is something wrong with the partner that wants sex more than once a week. There is no "average". Magazines and polls get the "average" by finding the mean of everyone they ask, including people who have sex daily and people who only have sex once a month or less.

There is no "average" or "normal" or "good" or "bad" number of time to have sex in a week/month/year. There is only what is satisfactory to the couple. And when the couple is on different sexual levels, they have to work TOGETHER to find a compromise.

I apologize if it came across that way - that's not how I intended it. I was trying to make the same point about the original post - that there's nothing wrong with the OP's fiance. He may just have different needs, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's something that does need to be addressed between them because it will cause bigger issues long term. Perhaps I could have been more graceful in my explanation, but I really wasn't trying to say that there was anything wrong with any of the involved parties - just the opposite, actually.

runpipparun · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

amaryann210 said:

The only thing I would add (because I agree with PP) is that if he refuses to go to counseling and no amount of demanding will make him go, go by yourself. You can go to a marriage/couples counselor by yourself and talk about your couples' issue. Tell him that's what you're doing and you may inspire his curiousity or he'll feel like he needs to tell his side of the story. As a therapist, I've seen it happen that way many times.

I would actually say that if he refuses counseling after refusing to attempt to work the situation out between just the two of you, then I would pack up and leave. Sex is INCREDIBLY important in a marriage, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying or ignorant. It's one thing to have issues crop up that need to be worked out, but the not wanting to work them out is a huge problem and if he'd rather lose you than talk to you, then he isn't worth having.

Aside from the sex issue, being unwilling to address ANY issue in a relationship is a red flag to me. If a guy won't even consider counseling, or is against it, or "doesn't believe in it," I don't believe in HIM. I had an ex with a compulsive lying issue who refused to go with me or by himself. When it came down to it, he would rather I walk away from him than seek help over the fact that he lied to me 6 times a day about the most mundane bullcrap. That hurt.

pesematology · June 2013

This was an issue in my first marriage and trust me, sexual incompatibility does not become less of an issue over time. Counseling can help if it's an issue of anxiety or some other psychological block, but it's also possible for people to have fundamentally different sexual personalities that cannot be forced to work well together over the long term. It's super sad when that happens but it doesn't help to ignore it or force it.

sierraberry32 · June 2013

I appreciate all of you giving me such great advice, and so far talking to him has worked! He has agreed to couples counseling, and has opened up and explained his sex drive not only in our relationship, but in his past relationships. Kind of awkward on my end, but always nice to know he is able to open up to me. Thank you ladies! I will let you know how the counseling goes...

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

Just an fyi, it would also be a good idea for him to see his doctor for some hormone testing. Low levels of testosterone are an extremely common cause of low sex drive in men and the treatment is a simple replacement cream. I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose him, but if It's a big enough problem to seek help for, it's worth checking with a doctor about. The diagnosis saved two of my friends marriages.

Kind of personal... But I don't know what to do...

Re: Kind of personal... But I don't know what to do...

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