Bridesmaid problems/Issues

mrgreenb · June 2013

itzMS · June 2013

You want honesty? You sound very immature to be worrying so much about all of this.

Bridesmaids are absolutely not required to host you a shower or bachelorette or even attend for that matter.

They can buy their dress whenever and however they choose so long as it is ready on the wedding day.

My advice? Leave her the eff alone. Smile and be a gracious guest at her wedding in July. Smile and be a gracious bride at your wedding in September.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

mrgreenb said:

Ok, i am going to try and keep this short and sweet.

My FI and I are getting married September 28th. So excited that its less than 120 days away:).

His brother and future sister in law are getting married July 12th of this year also. They had been engaged since thanksgiving of 2011 and had not set a date until we set our date in January of this year. We talked to them about it and as far as we knew they didnt have a date set and we were ok with setting it for September. We needed to let me FI work know about it so he could get off for the wedding since he is a police officer. They then decided that their wedding is going to be in July 2 months after we paid the venue. That is fine i will deal with having to 2 weddings so close together.

SO i asked all of my bridesmaids to be part of the wedding in person is special ways. Thinking that the brothers fiance is going to be my future sister in law I asked her to also be in the wedding. She said sure she would love to. Great so i have my 7 Girls who i am so excited who are going to stand up with me as I get married. There are a few bridal shows here in Jan and Feb that I went to and I invited her to come with me so she can get ideas also. She agreed to come and we paid for her ticket since I invited her to come. She called me up both times the morning before and told me either she wasn't feeling good, or something else came up and she couldn't go. In March I tried to get as many bridesmaids as I could go to look for bridesmaid dresses since I wanted everyone to like it and feel comfortable. She again told me something had come up and could not come. I had later found out that she had invited 2 people to be in her bridal party, her best friend and a friend who is her fiances best friends girlfriend. I pushed it aside and thought nothing of it. Later in March when they finalized their date and venue they got mad at me because I didnt tell my FI when their wedding is, and its the weekend of the home days in the city he works in and it is going to be really hard for him to get off work and he is the best man. Mind you I never was told when they were thinking but i guess its all my fault. Thats when stuff started hitting the roof in this storry. I spoke to the the future sister in law and aksed her if she really wanted to be in the wedding since I know she has a lot of expenses with her wedding coming up and I would understand and have no hard feelings. She told me she wanted to still be in the wedding and they have extra money put aside to buy the bridesmaid dress and tux for our wedding so not to worry. I was excited that she still wanted to be in it and I thought it would bring us closer. WRONG. The day of my shower in the city we all live in she ran a 5k. She did not bother to tell me that she was running in it until the day before and said she might be a little late for it. I said that was fine, I just wish she would have told me sooner. At noon, as I was driving with 2 of my other bridesmaids, I get a text message saying that she was really sorry but shes extremely sore and will not be able to attend the shower. She said she was sorry and that was it. Mind you my shower was at noon. So she didn't even call my aunts who were throwing me the shower. She left it up to me, and made me tell them. It was really awkward . I pushed it aside like usual because it was my day and I didn't want anything to ruin it.

I called her on Sunday to ask her to coffee so we could talk about things. I was really hurt that she didn't have the curtisy to call before the shower was starting. As a bridesmaid I asked 4 things, 1. Get a dress (she had yet to get it). 2. Go to the shower (she didnt go), 3. have a bachelorette party. 4. Come to the wedding and be happy and have fun. 2 things have yet to happen and 2 things have happen and she hasn't done anything with it. I told her I was really hurt and I don't feel liek she wants to be part of the wedding. SHe told me that she was sorry and she wasnt thinking that it would hurt my feelings. I told her that i had 4 expectations and she wasn't doing any of it. I asked her again that if she did not have time to be in the wedding i was ok with it and i wouldnt have any hurt feelings, but she keeps canceling and that IS hurting my feelings. Well then things really go bad. I told her that i was really excited becuase i would have someone who was also getting married around the same time and we could help each other. she then said that we have 2 different weddings and it wasnt going to be the same ( i never implied that at all). Then i told her i felt like she didn't like me and she said that she has had a grudge against me for 4 years because of something that happened 4 years ago and we had a fight about it. I said i was sorry when this fight ahppend and i thought it was over but i guess not. I then said why would i want someone in my wedding who has a grudge against me and doesn't like me? she got up and said i don't need this and walked out.

That was almost 3 weeks ago. We have yet to speak and it is every awkward because my FI is their best man. I don't know what to do and what to say?

Suggestions please. Be honest? was I being harsh by asking her why? Please tell me

Mindi

The only two things that are required of her are to get the dress and go to the wedding. I understand that you would have liked to have everyone at the shower and bachelorette, but it doesn't always work out like that, and that's ok. It's not their job to be at these things.

Until I got to that next part, it just sounded like she's a flake, and that's who she is. But now, it sounds like she was intentionally doing those things to hurt you because she was still upset over whatever happened four years ago. I think that's a really shitty thing to do to somebody, so I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. Overall, I think you've handled it pretty well.

I hope that in time, things will smooth over so that you can get back on good terms. She's going to be family, which is why it would be better to work this out. Regardless of what you've asked her to do as a bridesmaid, I think that the way she's been treating you is uncalled for and childish.

Give it time, and see how it goes. I think some apologies are needed from both sides though. Good luck, OP.

Edited for clarity

AddieCake · June 2013

I don't understand what was so awkward about telling your aunts someone wasn't coming. That doesn't sound the least bit awkward to me.

I've had kind of a long day, so I really just skimmed, but I'm sure I ditto MS. I usually do.

Bubblegum5586 · June 2013

Very annoying that she held a grudge for so long when you were under the impression everything was settled. Since she is going to be family, it is always best to try and work it out. I suggest trying to resolve everything for a final time and either way shes in your wedding now just make the best of it!

zitiqueen · June 2013

What's the opposite of short and sweet? Because you nailed that.

mrsB68 · June 2013

Ugh I feel for you!

Honestly, I agree with the 4 item's you listed. I didn't think she was intentionally skipping out on responsibilities until you confronted her, but still thought not going to the shower was rude. If she didn't want to go she shouldn't have strung you along she should have flat out said from the beginning she didn't want to be involved. Actually, she shouldn't have accepted your offer to be a BM!

Typically, I would say you don't need someone petty and immature in your life but, she's family. So, you have to deal with more than you normally would. I would contact her and tell her that you apologize that you didn't realize she was still upset about the event 4 years ago you also feel that she should have brought that up when you asked her to be a BM. If she doesn't feel like she wants the position then she should step down. Otherwise, you can put an offer on the table to discuss it and move past it and enjoy the rest of your (and her) wedding activities and move on together. aka you're starting by "apologizing" although you're not really apologizing but yet calling her out on it. a little cushioned (the psych major in me

Good luck and do cut both of yourselves a little slack because whether or not either of you realize it right now, you're both under a little stress and you're a little on edge because you're both the brides. I didn't realize until after my wedding that I was actually a little bitchy and stressed. Oh hindsight!

Viczaesar · June 2013

mrsB68 said:

Ugh I feel for you!

Honestly, I agree with the 4 item's you listed. I didn't think she was intentionally skipping out on responsibilities until you confronted her, but still thought not going to the shower was rude. If she didn't want to go she shouldn't have strung you along she should have flat out said from the beginning she didn't want to be involved. Actually, she shouldn't have accepted your offer to be a BM!

Typically, I would say you don't need someone petty and immature in your life but, she's family. So, you have to deal with more than you normally would. I would contact her and tell her that you apologize that you didn't realize she was still upset about the event 4 years ago you also feel that she should have brought that up when you asked her to be a BM. If she doesn't feel like she wants the position then she should step down. Otherwise, you can put an offer on the table to discuss it and move past it and enjoy the rest of your (and her) wedding activities and move on together. aka you're starting by "apologizing" although you're not really apologizing but yet calling her out on it. a little cushioned (the psych major in me

Good luck and do cut both of yourselves a little slack because whether or not either of you realize it right now, you're both under a little stress and you're a little on edge because you're both the brides. I didn't realize until after my wedding that I was actually a little bitchy and stressed. Oh hindsight!

That makes no sense. The only thing you're agreeing to do when you agree to be in a wedding party is showing up at the wedding in the selected attire. You're not agreeing to attend or throw showers or bachelorettes; those are optional.

kerbohl · June 2013

Viczaesar said:

mrsB68 said:

Ugh I feel for you!

Honestly, I agree with the 4 item's you listed. I didn't think she was intentionally skipping out on responsibilities until you confronted her, but still thought not going to the shower was rude. If she didn't want to go she shouldn't have strung you along she should have flat out said from the beginning she didn't want to be involved. Actually, she shouldn't have accepted your offer to be a BM!

Typically, I would say you don't need someone petty and immature in your life but, she's family. So, you have to deal with more than you normally would. I would contact her and tell her that you apologize that you didn't realize she was still upset about the event 4 years ago you also feel that she should have brought that up when you asked her to be a BM. If she doesn't feel like she wants the position then she should step down. Otherwise, you can put an offer on the table to discuss it and move past it and enjoy the rest of your (and her) wedding activities and move on together. aka you're starting by "apologizing" although you're not really apologizing but yet calling her out on it. a little cushioned (the psych major in me

Good luck and do cut both of yourselves a little slack because whether or not either of you realize it right now, you're both under a little stress and you're a little on edge because you're both the brides. I didn't realize until after my wedding that I was actually a little bitchy and stressed. Oh hindsight!

That makes no sense. The only thing you're agreeing to do when you agree to be in a wedding party is showing up at the wedding in the selected attire. You're not agreeing to attend or throw showers or bachelorettes; those are optional.

But I can't see, even if she does throw on the dress and show up, agreeing to be a BM for someone she doesn't like. I don't think this woman should have agreed to be a BM.

And honestly, being angry over something that happened four years ago? Did you kill her pet? Burn down her house? Grudges hurt the person holding the grudge more than the person they have the grudge against most of the time.

LBennett628 · June 2013

This whole "just get a dress and show up" thing is absolutely stupid! every wedding I've ever been in, the bridesmaids and I have always gone above and beyond because we ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY for the bride and want to help relieve any stress she may have. I wrote out all the escort cards, put ribbons on favors, helped plan the bachelorette party and stepped up at the shower I didn't plan to help write down gifts (which I think every bridesmaid should do). Its not only about showing up in the dress...its about being the close reliable friend and doing everything you can to help.

manateehugger · June 2013

LBennett628 said:

This whole "just get a dress and show up" thing is absolutely stupid! every wedding I've ever been in, the bridesmaids and I have always gone above and beyond because we ARE ACTUALLY HAPPY for the bride and want to help relieve any stress she may have. I wrote out all the escort cards, put ribbons on favors, helped plan the bachelorette party and stepped up at the shower I didn't plan to help write down gifts (which I think every bridesmaid should do). Its not only about showing up in the dress...its about being the close reliable friend and doing everything you can to help.

The "get the dress thing and show up" isn't stupid, it's considerate of your family and friends. YOU, as the bride, are supposed to be honoring THEM, not the other way around.

If you're happy to do all these things for a bride, that's lovely. But they are not required. I've been incredibly honored to be a bridesmaid the four times I've been asked. I help out the weekend of the wedding as much as I can, but otherwise I have my own life. My friends understand that.

If you pick your friends based on how much they can help you, I think that's pretty shitty. I pick my friends based on how well I can talk to them, how much I enjoy their company, how much I can laugh with them.

Honestly, you sound pissed because you helped a bride out a lot and you don't think your BM's are returning the favor.

LBennett628 · June 2013

lol okay....your cute. I never once said they don't have their own lives....they don't live and breathe my wedding and neither do I. I hardly talk about it because I know it can annoy people. And I've never picked my friends based on how the benefit me...that is a horrible accusation.

manateehugger · June 2013

My cute what?

And I didn't accuse you of anything. I just said that you seem to assume that if someone is a good friend, they'll want to do spend loads of time and money on YOUR wedding. And that's not true at all.

Viczaesar · June 2013

kerbohl said:

Viczaesar said:

mrsB68 said:

Ugh I feel for you!

Honestly, I agree with the 4 item's you listed. I didn't think she was intentionally skipping out on responsibilities until you confronted her, but still thought not going to the shower was rude. If she didn't want to go she shouldn't have strung you along she should have flat out said from the beginning she didn't want to be involved. Actually, she shouldn't have accepted your offer to be a BM!

Typically, I would say you don't need someone petty and immature in your life but, she's family. So, you have to deal with more than you normally would. I would contact her and tell her that you apologize that you didn't realize she was still upset about the event 4 years ago you also feel that she should have brought that up when you asked her to be a BM. If she doesn't feel like she wants the position then she should step down. Otherwise, you can put an offer on the table to discuss it and move past it and enjoy the rest of your (and her) wedding activities and move on together. aka you're starting by "apologizing" although you're not really apologizing but yet calling her out on it. a little cushioned (the psych major in me

Good luck and do cut both of yourselves a little slack because whether or not either of you realize it right now, you're both under a little stress and you're a little on edge because you're both the brides. I didn't realize until after my wedding that I was actually a little bitchy and stressed. Oh hindsight!

That makes no sense. The only thing you're agreeing to do when you agree to be in a wedding party is showing up at the wedding in the selected attire. You're not agreeing to attend or throw showers or bachelorettes; those are optional.

But I can't see, even if she does throw on the dress and show up, agreeing to be a BM for someone she doesn't like. I don't think this woman should have agreed to be a BM.

And honestly, being angry over something that happened four years ago? Did you kill her pet? Burn down her house? Grudges hurt the person holding the grudge more than the person they have the grudge against most of the time.

And yet that's not what the paragraph I was talking about said.

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