Bride Woes

LakeR2014 · June 2013

I've heard on hear many times that the BMs duty is simply to pay for their dress, help with the Bridal Shower, attend the Bachelorette party, and wedding and that's all? What happens when the bride expects A LOT more and is beyond pissed when you are unable to meet every additional demand? How do you handle it?

manateehugger · June 2013

Bridesmaid's aren't required to help with showers and bachelorette parties. It is certainly very nice if they can, but it's not a mandatory duty.

For the upcoming wedding I'm in, the bride and MOH (her sister) expected a lot from us. We got "billed" for our portions of the showers and bachelorette parties. I live out-of-state and couldn't attend either of her showers. She didn't ask about our dress budgets. She wants our hair to be in a certain style, but I'm supposed to foot my own bill for hair and makeup. It sucks.

For most things that I though related to my "job," I kind of just sucked it up. So I bought the expensive dress and have been practicing how to do my own hair in the style she wants (not willing to pay someone $100 to do it). I backed out of the spa portion of the bachelorette party, but am attending everything else (it's an all day thing).

But when she asked money for the showers, I ignored her at first and then said no when she pushed the issue. I said it nicely - saying I would love to help, but didn't have the money. Same thing with her bach party. I'm never planning on telling her that I did my own hair and makeup.

Honestly, you just have to put your foot down. If she is willing to risk your friendship over money for her wedding, she isn't much of her friend. Tell her to post on here, and we'll set her straight.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

Thanks @PDKH. It's hard as we're pretty close and many of the other BMs who can do the extras because they have the time and money are also looking at me as not 'committed' enough to the role because I can't do everything. I'm doing as much of the extras including invites, baskets, and putting together the bridal shower, but being informed that for not making everything I'm disappointing her and others is just too much to hear. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for having a life, that doesn't always suit her last minute or close to last minute plans.

itzMS · June 2013

You say no. If she gets mad, that's on her not you.

The bride is not your boss. You aren't obligated to cater to her every demand.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

PDKH said:

Bridesmaid's aren't required to help with showers and bachelorette parties. It is certainly very nice if they can, but it's not a mandatory duty.

For the upcoming wedding I'm in, the bride and MOH (her sister) expected a lot from us. We got "billed" for our portions of the showers and bachelorette parties. I live out-of-state and couldn't attend either of her showers. She didn't ask about our dress budgets. She wants our hair to be in a certain style, but I'm supposed to foot my own bill for hair and makeup. It sucks.

For most things that I though related to my "job," I kind of just sucked it up. So I bought the expensive dress and have been practicing how to do my own hair in the style she wants (not willing to pay someone $100 to do it). I backed out of the spa portion of the bachelorette party, but am attending everything else (it's an all day thing).

But when she asked money for the showers, I ignored her at first and then said no when she pushed the issue. I said it nicely - saying I would love to help, but didn't have the money. Same thing with her bach party. I'm never planning on telling her that I did my own hair and makeup.

Honestly, you just have to put your foot down. If she is willing to risk your friendship over money for her wedding, she isn't much of her friend. Tell her to post on here, and we'll set her straight.

That's unfathomable! Who does that?

calliopeia2013 · June 2013

I've never been BM to a 'zilla, but I know people who have. It sucks, no doubt about that. When I've seen it, it usually does a lot of damage to the friendship, because you see a bride's true colors, you know? If a bride is the sort of self-centered person who thinks everyone should drop everything and attend to her wedding needs, it suggests that she doesn't really care much about her friends - and her friends notice. You start to get the feeling that she doesn't really care about you, she cares about what you can do for her.

All you can do is say no, unfortunately. I mean, she can't make you do anything you don't want to do- you don't have to give her any money, you don't have to show up to anything you don't want to, you don't have to do any of her DIY projects you don't want to. I just...there is really no good way to say this, but if she thinks of you as a slave rather than a friend, she's really not a true friend to you. Either she'll see reason or she won't. But it always makes me sad to hear about brides that come out of their weddings with a shiny new husband, but short a couple of old friends.

manateehugger · June 2013

It sounds like you're dealing with down-right nasty cliqueishness. Which sucks. How old are these women? They sound incredibly inconsiderate and immature.

Now is it the bride saying that you're disappointing? Or is it the other bridesmaids? If it isn't the bride, just try to let it roll of your back the best you can. If it is the bride, since you said you're close, you could pull her aside and say that she's kind of making you feel like dirt. Sometimes I think brides just get so wrapped up in what movies and magazines tell them should be happening that they forget to consider their family and friends. The bride I mentioned above fits into this category; she's normally a fantastic girl, but her wedding expectations have put her on the crazy train.

It sounds like you are going above and beyond the call of bridesmaid duty to be honest. I'd feel so indebted to you if you were my bridesmaid. Try to establish boundaries for her. So say - "On Friday nights and Saturday afternoons, I'm all yours, but otherwise I have to do _________." DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad for having other things to do. And ignore the other bridesmaids - they sound nasty and not worth your time.

manateehugger · June 2013

LakeR2014 said:

PDKH said:

Bridesmaid's aren't required to help with showers and bachelorette parties. It is certainly very nice if they can, but it's not a mandatory duty.

For the upcoming wedding I'm in, the bride and MOH (her sister) expected a lot from us. We got "billed" for our portions of the showers and bachelorette parties. I live out-of-state and couldn't attend either of her showers. She didn't ask about our dress budgets. She wants our hair to be in a certain style, but I'm supposed to foot my own bill for hair and makeup. It sucks.

For most things that I though related to my "job," I kind of just sucked it up. So I bought the expensive dress and have been practicing how to do my own hair in the style she wants (not willing to pay someone $100 to do it). I backed out of the spa portion of the bachelorette party, but am attending everything else (it's an all day thing).

But when she asked money for the showers, I ignored her at first and then said no when she pushed the issue. I said it nicely - saying I would love to help, but didn't have the money. Same thing with her bach party. I'm never planning on telling her that I did my own hair and makeup.

Honestly, you just have to put your foot down. If she is willing to risk your friendship over money for her wedding, she isn't much of her friend. Tell her to post on here, and we'll set her straight.

That's unfathomable! Who does that?

It wasn't really a bill per se. But she emailed us each with the cost break down, told us what each of us owed, and then asked if we could give her a check at the shower. I was pissed to say the least.

ETA: this "bill" would have been totally different if she had asked if we were interested in co-hosting, but she never did. And I certainly wasn't going to co-host a shower I couldn't even attend.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

Thanks all it helps! Unfortunately i'm one of those people who really cares what people think and hates when people don't like/are mad at her. So the fact that it's a friend and a close one at that' that I'm letting down, makes me feel horrible.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

OMG! The bride is driving me nuts (and seriously hurting my feelings in the process). She asked for the opinions of her BMs for jewelry options. I chose silver because I wear silver more but other chose gold because they also wear it more. So the bride responded with everyone could choose but she preferred gold too because it was warmer and softer whereas silver's just cold. If you thought that, why wouldn't you just state you want everyone to wear gold instead of stating that silver is cold?

itzMS · June 2013

LakeR2014 said:

OMG! The bride is driving me nuts (and seriously hurting my feelings in the process). She asked for the opinions of her BMs for jewelry options. I chose silver because I wear silver more but other chose gold because they also wear it more. So the bride responded with everyone could choose but she preferred gold too because it was warmer and softer whereas silver's just cold. If you thought that, why wouldn't you just state you want everyone to wear gold instead of stating that silver is cold?

For a recent wedding I was in, the bride requested silver crystal jewelry (think crystal beads). I showed up in my normal every day jewelry that matched the dress. Somehow amazingly her pictures weren't ruined...and she didn't even notice.

If you don't have any gold jewelry already, just wear some subtle pieces you already own.

She won't die...I promise.

manateehugger · June 2013

LakeR2014 said:

OMG! The bride is driving me nuts (and seriously hurting my feelings in the process). She asked for the opinions of her BMs for jewelry options. I chose silver because I wear silver more but other chose gold because they also wear it more. So the bride responded with everyone could choose but she preferred gold too because it was warmer and softer whereas silver's just cold. If you thought that, why wouldn't you just state you want everyone to wear gold instead of stating that silver is cold?

Dude, when she next "asks" for an opinion about something so trivial like jewelry, just say "I'm sure whatever you think would look best is perfect."

That way it's on her. Just don't give her ammunition. This stuff is minor, try not to let it bother you.

banana468 · June 2013

You could always say that you like silver toned metals for their pure color. Plus an added benefit is that a diamond will not look yellow when placed in a platinum setting. ;-)

cmcole4509 · June 2013

Whatever you do try to not let her stress you out. The stress isn't worth it. If she asks for your help with something, like a DIY thing, and you CAN and WANT to help then go for it. Otherwise say something like "I'm sorry but I have other nonnegotiable obligations to attend to and will not be able to ____." If she herself says she has a problem with you and thinks you aren't pulling your weight, and things just keep getting harder, meaner, more hurtful, more stressful, etc. then worse comes to worse just tell her that you appreciate that she requested you be a BM, but that unfortunately you will no longer be able to fulfill that position. If it comes down to being bad enough that your whole life is revolving around her and what she wants, then hunny I don't think it's worth it and I would back out. No one, especially someone who is supposed to be a close friend, should treat you like crap. Be respectful of her non-crazy wishes (like hey I would like everyone to where this kind of dress), but stand up for yourself if you are being treated that badly.I hope it all gets worked out for you.

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