Unity concepts

shani100612 · June 2013

My fiance and I are planning a wedding in a Lutheran church. We would like to incorporate a unity concept to the ceremony that will include my 7 year old daughter. We would like it to be unique and do not want to use the unity candle or sand. We were looking at hand fasting, but once doing further research on it found that it holds more Pagan tradition; therefore, will not be allowed inside the church. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

Thanks

STARMOON44 · June 2013

I don't think you should include your 7 year old in a unity ceremony. She isn't choosing to enter into a holy union- you are. She isn't taking vows.

If she wants to take a more active role in the ceremony, see if she might feel comfortable doing a reading ( I think 7 is a bit young, but for an outgoing child maybe not ). Or give her a special bouquet.

shani100612 · June 2013

Maybe my wording of "Unity concept" was miss-leading and I should have explained that the ceremony will be non tradtional as we are including her in quite a bit. We beleive that we are uniting as a family and not just as a couple.

I do like your idea of a reading. She would really like something of that nature.

Viczaesar · June 2013

But your wedding is not uniting you as a family. A marriage is an agreement between two legal adults. Children should not be involved with the promises made.

Jen4948 · June 2013

Don't try to force or pressure your daughter to participate in any capacity she doesn't feel comfortable with. Kids don't like that and may not respond well to it.

Before you pick something as a "unity concept," find out if your daughter even wants to do it. She might feel too shy or have other reasons for not being smiley-faced about being asked to "participate" in your wedding in this way.

And don't make her say anything that could be construed as vows of her own. If she wants to say anything, just make it a standard wedding reading.

STARMOON44 · June 2013

I understood what you meant just fine. Your daughter isn't getting married. She's a child, she doesn't owe anyone unity, faithfulness, or loyalty. If you want to include her in the day, invite some of her Friend's to the reception. Take her cake tasting. Sing her favorite hymn. But no unity symbol.

calliopeia2013 · June 2013

I understand wanting to do something at your wedding to symbolize the fact that you're building a new family that includes your daughter. But I have to admit, I find the idea of involving a little child in a wedding - especially the unity parts of it - rather upsetting. A seven year old isn't capable of consenting to the sort of lifelong promises that a wedding entails. Did you give her total veto power over whether or not you marry your fiance? Like, if she told you tomorrow that she didn't want to be part of this new family, would you call off the wedding? Unless you actually consider her a completely equal partner in your union, I admit I think it's kind of creepy to make her be part of a unity ceremony. (And I think, by the way, that it would also be super creepy to actually make a seven year old an equal partner in your marriage.)

There are tons of ways she could participate - from being your maid of honor, to doing a reading, to your and your fiance giving her an heirloom gift of some sort. but the symbolism of having a seven year old participate in a unity ceremony, when she doesn't actually have a choice in the matter of the union, just isn't right.

itzMS · June 2013

Agreed with PPs.

Just wanted to add that if your daughter's bio dad is in her life, you should really run her involvement in your wedding by him. If I were a bio mom and my ex was getting married, I'd be really leary to let my kid(s) particpate in any ceremonies or readings about getting a new parent or a new family.

Being a flower girl or bridesmaid and/or reading a poem would be great options.

shani100612 · June 2013

Wow! I did not realize that this would cause such a stir. We had seen at some other weddings the children being involved in the unity candle or sand ceremony and thought it was a neat idea. She too seemed excited about it. No she does not run the show, but she does have some input on family decisions. All I was asking was if anyone had ideas other than using sand or a unity candle. I am sorry I asked, as my question did not get answered at all and inaccurate assumptions were made. I do; however, thank the few who did leave constructive comments and sincerely hope that not every post becomes as negative as this one.

RamonaFlowers · June 2013

When my mom married my "dad" (step-dad has been in my life since I was 3), my older sister and I were flower girls in the wedding, and the minister dedicated a very small part (I'm talking 45 seconds TOPS) of the ceremony to the 4 of us holding hands saying the 4 of us were now "part of the same family" (Meaning my step-dad and his family joined, me, my mom, and my sister and our family as "one bigger family"). Otherwise, my sister and I were not involved in their wedding ceremony. Essentially the same thing happened when my bio-dad married my step-mom.

I'm now 28, and I harbor no delusions about who is my "Dad" and who is my "father". And I have no issues deciding who I feel is, or isn't, my "family". Your kid isn't suddenly going to "feel it" because a minister/priest/officiant/whatever made some kind of big deal about it. She's old enough to understand the difference between father and step-father (I was more than old enough to understand it when I was 5). What matters is how the both of you treat your child together after the ceremony/reception is over and everybody has to live together under one roof.

Take all the "family" pictures you want and have whoever is doing the ceremony make the 20-30 second speech about the joining of 2 families, but please, do not press the issue of "unity" during your wedding ceremony.

Jen4948 · June 2013

shani100612 said:

Wow! I did not realize that this would cause such a stir. We had seen at some other weddings the children being involved in the unity candle or sand ceremony and thought it was a neat idea. She too seemed excited about it. No she does not run the show, but she does have some input on family decisions. All I was asking was if anyone had ideas other than using sand or a unity candle. I am sorry I asked, as my question did not get answered at all and inaccurate assumptions were made. I do; however, thank the few who did leave constructive comments and sincerely hope that not every post becomes as negative as this one.

Sorry, but adults don't tell each other "All I was asking" and complain about "negativity" if they don't get the answers they want. They accept that sometimes not everyone is going to agree with their ideas, and when that's the case, they're going to say so.

Most Knotties don't support the idea of "unity ceremonies" that involve children of the couple in vow exchanges. And there have been several threads, including recent ones, in which we express that opinion. Had you lurked before starting this thread, you would have noticed that. But apparently you dived right in and are now pouting childishly because we don't choose to tell you how to execute an idea we don't agree with. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

Your daughter is not getting married. You are. She has had no say in the inexplicable whim which drew you to her FSF. She is not committing to the marriage, you are. For a guest, I think this would be creepy. And what if you and her FSF divorce, god forbid? Then what? Is she still bound to him? Please don't do this. It's really awkward.

Latham101114 · June 2013

Maybe have the priest pray over the three of you as a family after the vows are exchanged. Your commitment has been made at the point and you are now a family. All in all talk to your daughter about what she actually wants to do, not what shes excited about. AT the end its your day and you shouldnt have to worry about whether your daughter feels included or accepted, it should be a given.

aphrodite0869 · June 2013

I agree with mostly everybody. Between me and my fiancee we have four children and we are not even thinking about having them be a part of our unity. His oldest daughter is a braids maid, my oldest and his middle are junior bridesmaids and our baby is the flower girl. I want them to be there and be a part of it but weddings are about the two people who love each other and want to make the commitment to each other, which should assume that the children be made a commitment also because you knew about them before you got married. The focus of the day should be on the two of you because as I can contest, your whole life will be about your kids and just the two of you.

As you are not happy with peoples answer, I think maybe have her sing a song if she likes to sing or when you are pronounced husband and wife have her come up with you two and make a formal statement about your "family" or have her walk as a flower girl or some other special person in your wedding party. A reading as someone stated earlier was a good idea or ask her to simply share her thoughts about your husband and you. It'll be cute and fun and I'm sure make people laugh because 7 year olds are cute and funny.

Jen4948 · June 2013

aphrodite0869 said:

I agree with mostly everybody. Between me and my fiancee we have four children and we are not even thinking about having them be a part of our unity. His oldest daughter is a braids maid, my oldest and his middle are junior bridesmaids and our baby is the flower girl. I want them to be there and be a part of it but weddings are about the two people who love each other and want to make the commitment to each other, which should assume that the children be made a commitment also because you knew about them before you got married. The focus of the day should be on the two of you because as I can contest, your whole life will be about your kids and just the two of you.

As you are not happy with peoples answer, I think maybe have her sing a song if she likes to sing or when you are pronounced husband and wife have her come up with you two and make a formal statement about your "family" or have her walk as a flower girl or some other special person in your wedding party. A reading as someone stated earlier was a good idea or ask her to simply share her thoughts about your husband and you. It'll be cute and fun and I'm sure make people laugh because 7 year olds are cute and funny.

I wouldn't do either of these things. A 7 year old "making a formal statement about your 'family'" or "sharing her thoughts about your husband and you" can backfire really badly, and it may well not come off as "cute" or "funny." Not only that, if there's anything a kid that age hates, it's being a laughingstock.

manateehugger · June 2013

Has anyone just asked this young lady how she would like to be involved in the wedding?

I think forcing her to do a reading would be horrible.

aphrodite0869 · June 2013

I wasn't referring to the child making a formal statement about the family I was saying the officiant could make a formal statement about them being a family. I realize that was not clear.

Jen4948 · June 2013

aphrodite0869 said:

I wasn't referring to the child making a formal statement about the family I was saying the officiant could make a formal statement about them being a family. I realize that was not clear.

I think that any formal statements about them being a family are just as inappropriate as the child saying anything.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

You could try planting something... I read somewhere that a couple planted a tree together with their children as a sign of uniting the families together (uniting the tree with the earth). Obviously planting a tree might be difficult if your inside a church but you could each have a bulb or a blooming plant that you plant in a planter and then together later on move to a spot in your garden? Just a thought!

I personally think that if your daughter is excited to be a part of your wedding then that's wonderful... Enjoy your day!

joanneandluke · June 2013

I understand what your saying. Me and my fiancee are doing a "blended" family ceremony with his two sons (11 and 14 when we get married), and my niece (17 at wedding) who I have guardianship of. We have already talked it over and explained how it will work, and after the "vows" to the kids we will present them with a "Family Medallion" necklace. This will happen before our vows. We take it very serious that the kids be involved in this aspect of the wedding. If ANY of the three were not happy with us being together, we wouldn't be.

Google "family medallion" to get other ideas, if your interested.

des9724 · June 2013

I know it's been getting a lot of flack, but I think it's beautiful you want to include your daughter in your wedding because you are creating a new family. To symbolize this, I would probably do something very simple and perhaps under the radar. I really like the suggestion of the pastor saying a prayer over you three as you join hands. It's a very small but lovely way to show you three are joined together. I also liked the idea of planting a flower bulb together in a small flower pot. It's something you can plant in your backyard and watch grow as your family grows as well. However, I would do this "family bonding experience" after you do some sort of unity concept with your FI first. Before you can become a united family, you need to be united to your husband. Having a unity activity for just you and your FI is important because it symbolizes your marriage and union with him. This way, it won't seem like you are forcing your daughter into a marriage commitment, you are just including her in a family commitment.

I think a lot of people were thinking you were including your daughter in your vows, but from what I understand, you aren't. You just want to show that you now have a new family and you want to honor that. If you want to achieve this, I'd suggest doing two unity activities, with the family unity activity being smaller and simple.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

If you are scrapping things that have pagan roots, then you'd have to throw out a Christian ceremony too. Do what is sentimental to you, and makes you happy, don't worry so much about what people were doing 4,000 years ago.

Unity concepts

Re: Unity concepts

Choose Another Board

Search Boards